The Worst Singles & Albums Of 2009

Worst Albums Of 2009

1. 3 Words - Cheryl Cole

The racist from Girls Aloud was a runaway winner in this category. In fact, "3 Words" is quite possibly the worst album ever recorded. Who really wants to listen to a talentless white woman pretend to be Rihanna on a Shontelle sized budget? I'd rather watch Nicola Roberts change a tampon. The production is horrible, Cheryl's "voice" defies belief and will.i.am's involvement serves as a constant reminder that Fergie did this shit first and immeasurably better. "3 Words" is as fake and shallow as Cheryl. Avoid at all costs.

2. Paint Your Face - Sliimy

When Sliimy was described to me as 'the French Mika' my blood ran cold and I felt the urge to run to the nearest church and douche with holy water. Surely one closet case with a grating voice and shit songs is more than enough for the music industry? The answer, it seems, is no. I tried to keep an open mind but "Paint Your Face" is an unusually painful listening experience. Sliimy desperately tries to be quirky and ironic but comes across as derivative and pretentious. Mika's music occasionally has a childlike charm - this is just childish. Check out Sliimy's retched cover of "Womanizer" as exhibit A.

3. Echo - Leona Lewis

Oh joy, a new album from Leona custom designed to appeal to heavily medicated housewives from San Diego to Sydney. If you thought Horsey's last album was generic, wait until you hear this hideous collection of uninspired ballads and urban-lite pop tunes. "Echo" is the most gutless record of 2009. Everything is so polished and polite. It sounds like it was put together by a committee of middle aged record executives desperately trying and failing to appeal to everyone. Has the equally shit Alexandra Burke already made Leona redundant?

4. 1000 Stars - Natalie Bassingthwaighte

Not satisfied with ruining the formerly glorious Rogue Traders with her bad vocals and mutton dressed as lamb fashion sense, Natalie decided to further pollute the local pop scene with a solo album in 2009. The media whore bravely declared herself 'the new Kylie' but 'the new Cheyne' would have been more appropriate. I'm being too kind - Cheyne actually released a couple of decent singles. "1000 Stars" isn't a complete write off. A lot of very talented people contributed material to this album but Natalie has an uncanny ability to make great songs sound rubbish. The Steve Anderson penned "Supersensual" is the pick of the bunch by far.

5. Don't Stop - Annie

Norway's (least) favourite daughter compiles all her massive flops and leaked tracks on the shiteous "Don't Stop". Can someone please explain why this bitch is still making music? Richard X and Xenomania can polish Annie's turds all they like but the public has spoken and they're just not that into her. It could have something to do with the fact that she can't sing and has all the charisma of an ATM machine. It's time this soulless robot was sent to the scrap yard. Next!

6. Speak Love - Hugh Sheridan

The hot actor from Australia's highest rating TV show releases an album full of Michael Buble-esque ballads and (extremely) soft rock anthems just in time for Christmas. There's only one problem. He can't sing and no one bought it. Whoops.

7. Hands - Little Boots

This cunt. I've already written about the overhyped and uninspiring "Hands" here. When "Remedy" blew up in the UK (it turned out to be a grower) I decided to give Little Boots another chance but I can't get past my first impression that she's basically the British Natalie Bassingthwaighte - the latest in a long line of Z grade divas desperately trying to be the new Kylie. You know you're fucked when you have Greg Kurstin, Pascal Gabriel and RedOne produce your album and it still sells less than Peter Andre.

8. Differently - Cassie Davis

Cassie Davis is just a bit shit, isn't she? Her voice is grating, she looks like a Supré shop assistant and she released the least cohesive album in recent memory. "Differently" isn't awful (I own up to liking the title track) but Cassie has no idea who she is. One minute it's P!nk-lite, the next she's channelling Fergie. I'm all for variation but this whole album just feels incredibly forced. Better luck next time.

9. Rated R - Rihanna

Oh shut up! I'm sick of people telling me that "Rated R" is a misunderstood masterpiece that will stand the test of time. It's a gloomy batch of depressing slow jams with the occasional uptempo number thrown in to remind you how much fun Rihanna used to be before she decided to become an artiste and sing incredibly insightful songs about weaponry. Sure, the artwork is stunning but it's an album not a coffee table book and the songs are generally dire. The only exception is "Te Amo", which is the best dancehall stomper about a lesbian stalker ever recorded. I'm guessing.

10. Lady Love - LeToya

I've been a huge fan of LeToya's since Destiny's Child and was very excited about "Lady Love" after hearing the amazing "She Ain't Got Shit On Me". Unfortunately, the rest of the album is a cure for insomnia. LeToya's fans are paranoid that Matthew Knowles is sabotaging her career but she's doing a pretty good job of it herself by releasing this kind of sub-standard rubbish.

Worst Singles Of 2009

1. Fight For This Love - Cheryl Cole

Every copy sold comes with a free ticket to fiery depths of hell. Bon voyage!

2. Bodies - Robbie Williams

This shit makes "Rudebox" sound like "Rock DJ". The lyrics are ridiculous and someone forgot to write a chorus. Embarrassing! Time for Robbie to pull the plug and go back to UFO spotting.

3. Untouchable - Girls Aloud

Proof that Xenomania are officially running on empty - Exhibit 187B.

4. Happy - Leona Lewis

And the award for the year's most misleading song title goes to Leona. This line by line rehash of "Bleeding Love" is so dreary and mediocre even her hardcore fans drew the line at buying it.

5. Just Can't Throw Us Away - Hugh Sheridan

Throw it away, burn it, run over it in your car - just don't make the mistake of listening to it.

6. I'm Just Here For The Music - Paula Abdul

Selecting a six year old Kylie reject for your big comeback = further proof that important decisions shouldn't be made under the influence of Vicodin.

7. Russian Roulette - Rihanna

Extended exposure to "Russian Roulette" could throw Doris Day into a suicidal rage. Such a monumentally disappointing lead single.

8. Anthonio - Annie

Oh look, Annie's back to talk sing about a holiday romance over a lazy backing track that Richard X shamelessly stole from The Flirts. How edgy! If you want to hear Italo disco done properly check out Sally Shapiro's latest album. I guarantee there will be no turning back to this second rate trash.

9. Chillin' - Wale ft. Lady GaGa

Everything Lady GaGa touched in 2009 turned to gold. Except for this.

10. Forever Is Over - The Saturdays

You know something has gone incredibly wrong when you not only record a song Kelly Clarkson rejected but actually release it as your lead single.

11. Celebration - Madonna

As tired as the Material Girl's vagina.

12. Broken - Sam Clark

The final nail in the coffin for using Neighbours as a launching pad to a pop career. It was fun while it lasted.

13. 1000 Stars - Natalie Bassingthwaighte

This saccharine ballad perfectly showcases (the shortcomings of) Natalie's voice.

14. 3 - Britney

When is Britney going to stop recycling beats from "Blackout" and release something as good as "Lucky" or "Toxic" again? Probably never.

15. Mama Do - Pixie Lott

Mama please don't.

Best & Worst Of 2008 - The Rest

So the sun has finally set on 2008. Good fucking riddance! With the exception of Mike2008 (my trashy world tour), last year was one long pain in the arse. As usual NYE turned out to be a complete disaster and I spent the last couple of days in hospital. It wasn't all bad. You really haven't lived until you've watched 'Xanadu' under the influence of an opiate! Anyway, I'm back home now and ready to cast an eye over the cunt of a year that was.

Best Celebrity Big Brother Contestant EVER!!

Before I look back on 2008, I have to quickly mention an early highlight of 2009. La Toya, the most talented and beautiful Jackson and quite possibly the re-incarnation of Jesus himself, is inhabiting the UK "Celebrity" Big Brother house as I type. Seriously, if I had the money I would jump on the next plane to London just to watch this trash! I'm convinced the UK is about to swept up in a tidal wave of Toy Toy mania. Watch Magical Froggy's amazing promo (above) and check out La Toya's entrance into the BB house here. I can't believe how stunning our goddess looks. With any luck this publicity whoring blitz will finally result in the release of "Startin' Over" - 7 years after it was recorded! GO TOY!


Best Comeback

While I vastly prefer "Bring Ya To The Brink" to "Hurricane", Grace managed to flawlessly pick up exactly where she left off - 19 years ago! Third place goes to Vanessa Amorosi, who staged the Australian comeback of the year.

1. Grace Jones
2. Cyndi Lauper
3. Vanessa Amorosi


Worst Comeback

I miss "Blackout" Britney. Sure, she was certifiable but that alone gave her music an edge that it didn't really deserve. The new sanitised Britney is a disturbing Frankenstein pieced together by music executives. Listening to "Circus" you can almost smell the Lithium in the air! I'm glad she's got her shit together but I could do without an album of mushy ballads and a bunch of empty dance tracks that sound like rejects from "In The Zone". Oh, apparently New Kids On The Block and Boyzone also made comebacks in 2008. I couldn't care less either.

1. Britney Spears
2. New Kids On The Block
3. Boyzone


Worst Single Of The Year

Girls Aloud jump on the retro pop bandwagon a year after everyone else and shat out "The Promise". I'm sure Diana Ross pulled out her weave in disgust. If that musical fart wasn't dire enough, "The Loving Kind" provides irrefutable proof of their mediocrity. I just hope it doesn't tarnish the Pet Shop Boys' reputation beyond repair because this is low even by their recent standards. Second on my list is Alexandra Burke's vile cover of "Hallelujah". Leonard Cohen's classic is really quite hard to get wrong. Jeff Buckley's version is sensual and haunting, while KD Lang's rendition (and my personal favourite) is delicate and beautiful. Horse faced Alexandra, on the other hand, turned the song into a Mariah Carey power ballad. I blame Cheryl Cole! Speaking of X Factor sluts, Leona's repugnant cover of "Run" comes in third. When is the sphinx going to realise that over-singing every note doesn't showcase her "talent"? Someone please teach this bonehead the power of restraint and subtlety. Britney's non-song comes in 4th (I'm sorry but repeating the one word 471 times is not my idea of a hook), while Rihanna's lame and incredibly boring "Rehab" takes out 5th spot. Seriously, Ri Ri. Do us all a favour and stop milking that shit album for singles!

1. The Promise/The Loving Kind - Girls Aloud
2. Hallelujah - Alexandra
3. Run - Leona Lewis
4. Womanizer - Britney Spears
5. Rehab - Rihanna


Best Paparazzi Snap Of The Year

A pissed Dannii cruising the Dancing With The Stars backlot with her pendulous baps swinging in the breeze = solid gold. The photographer deserves a Pulitzer for this fabulous shit!


Best Girlband

The Spanish vixens win this category in a landslide. Las Supremas are the definition of pop trash! It's a tight battle for second place between South Korea's fabulous Wonder Girls and fierce Jewelry. The former win due to their incredible consistency. The UK is represented by the Sugababes (I think I'm the only person who really enjoys their latest flop album) and the very promising Red Blooded Women. Carly, you still owe me a copy of the EP signed with your tits!

1. Las Supremas De Móstoles (Above)
2. The Wonder Girls
3. Jewelry
4. Amelle & her back-up vocalists (ie. Sugababes)
5. Red Blooded Women (check out their Myspace)


Worst Girlband

Everything Girls Aloud touched in 2008 turned to shit. Nuff said. The Electric Dolls sound like The Beatles in comparison to GA but "Baps R Bakin'" is beyond hideous. PCD takes out third place due to the utter garbage that was "Doll Domination".

1. Girls Aloud
2. Electric Dolls
3. Pussycat Dolls

Best Video

It's a tie between Heidi Montag's "Overdosin'" (above) and Kylie's "All I See"! Heidi's homage to Olivia Newton-John's "Physical" is an utter joy. It's trashtastic, hilarious and completely inappropriate for the song. I love every second of it! "All I See" is another video that manages to cheer me up every time I see it. Kylie notoriously financed the clip herself and got Will Baker to film it during tour rehearsals - and it shows. The DIY special effects, craptastic choreography and the amazing sequined sheet are already things of legend in Kylie lore. Honourable mentions go to Solange's "I Decided" for the brilliant journey through black musical history, Beyonce's "Single Ladies" for the year's best dance routine and Monica Naranjo's spectacular "Amor Y Lujo" for featuring a fat tranny sitting on a solid gold toilet. Classy!

1. Overdosin' - Heidi Montage
1. All I See - Kylie

Runners-Up:

I Decided - Solange (here)
Single Ladies - Beyonce (here)
Amor y Lujo - Monica Naranjo (here)


Worst Video

The clear winner for worst music video of 2008 is Dulta's hideous "You Will Only Break My Heart". The only thing less appealing that the woman herself is watching a bunch of her demented fans miming to her crap song. These poor children will need therapy for decades. Special mention goes to Girls Aloud for their continuing commitment to shit videos and Madonna for the non-event that was "Give It To Me". Seriously, this is way cheaper than "All I See" and profoundly less enjoyable.

1. You Will Only Break My Heart - Dulta
2. The Promise/The Loving Kind - Girls Aloud
3. Give It To Me - Madonna


Best Remixer

I'm turning into a Deadmau5 groupie. Everything the Canadian DJ touches turns to gold. His remix of Gianluca Motta's "Not Alone" was my favourite dance record of 2008. A close second is the Freemasons. Yes, they're becoming a cliche but the pop world needs them to fix up every single ever released by an ex-member of Destiny's Child! Sydney's sexy Sam La More (aka Sam Littlemore) takes third courtesy of his work with Pnau, Empire Of The Sun and Sneaky Sound System. Poland's amazing WAWA deserve their 4th placing for their brilliant remix of Sugababes' "No Can Do" alone, while Melbourne's Hong Kong Blondes earn 5th spot for remixing the fuck out of CC Martini's "Double Dutch" and Empire Of The Sun's "Walking On A Dream".

1. Deadmau5
2. The Freemasons
3. Sam La More
4. WAWA
5. Hong Kong Blondes

Best Celebrity Endorsement

Australia's stunning drag superstar Courtney Act is making waves as the new face of Sheer Cover (watch an infomercial above). Who better to flog make-up than someone who makes a living wearing it? Courtney is a joy to watch. I just hope she hasn't forgotten about her pop career.

1. Courtney Act - Sheer Cover


Worst Celebrity Endorsement

I have no issue with celebrities launching their own perfumes or clothing lines (or toilet paper - you know it's only a matter of time before Kylie tries it!) but Dulta being the face of soy milk is scraping the bottom of the barrel. On a serious note, I'm actually quite disturbed that she would put her name to a product that is potentially linked to cancer - particularly when some (deranged) people look up to her as a spokeswoman for survivors of this insidious illness. Shame on you, Delta! I certainly have no problem with Axle Whitehead modelling for Marcs' clothing. He's definitely hot enough but the flasher gets a nod for explaining his involvement with this answer: "My new album is the type of album that can be played in any situation and will bring a great vibe. Chilling, partying, driving, dinner etc. Funny enough it ties in really well with this campaign, due to its versatility". What a fucking wanker! Just say you're doing it for the cash like everyone else.

1. Dulta - So Good
2. Axle Whitehead - Marcs


Best Concert

Kylie was in a league of her own as far as big budget concert spectaculars were concerned in 2008. However, Kelly Wilde's tour of tragic gay bars was just as fabulous at less than one tenth of the price! Isabel Guzman also impressed the hell out of me at Pop Justice Live (read my review here) - as did Robyn Loau at her Sydney showcase (review here).

1. X2008
1. Kelly Wilde

Runners-Up:

Isabel Guzman - Pop Justice Live
Robyn Loau - Sydney Showcase


Worst Pop Performance

Listen, we all know that Britney can't sing but you think she would at least have the decency to learn how to mime. Her performance on X Factor was simply diabolical. In her defence, at least she isn't judging a talent show - unlike Cheryl Cole who managed to be completely out of tune when Girls Aloud appeared on the show. Same Difference collect third place for their horrible miming and bad dance routine. We know they can actually sing - miming on X Factor Live just made them look ridiculous.

1. Britney on X Factor
2. Girls Aloud on X Factor
3. Same Difference on X Factor


Best Breakthrough Diva

Isabel Guzman's "Kill The Boy" EP really put the pop world on notice. I can't wait to see what the Swedish diva comes up with in 2009. On the local front, Jessica Mauboy exceeded everyone's expectations with "Been Waiting". The first single was a smash hit and the follow up looks set for the top 5. Have we finally got our very own urban diva who can actually sell records - unlike the amazing Deni Hines and Jade Macrae? Third place goes to Solange. I can't praise her highly enough. Not only was her album breathtakingly original, she somehow managed to claw her way out of Beyonce's shadow. No small accomplishment.

1. Isabel Guzman
2. Jessica Mauboy
3. Solange


Most Disappointing album

I named "Songs Of Love & Loss" my second favourite album of 2007. In retrospect, I probably should have made it equal first with "X". Tina's beautiful album is yet to leave my side. I still listen to it all the time. It's just so perfectly executed and brilliantly performed. Cut to November 2008 and Tina releases the sequel. I spent a good month trying to get into it but I just can't. The original was a work of art. "Songs Of Love & Loss 2" sounds like any other covers album - only performed by one extraordinarily good voice. It's cheap, lazy and a massive disappointment. I know I'm being really harsh. The album would be a highpoint in any other diva's career but it's just not good enough for Tina. That said, I already have tickets for her concert and can't wait to see her interpret the songs live! Other misfires were the highly anticipated Same Difference album - I really wanted to like them but the world doesn't need a pair of inbred British siblings channelling High School Musical (sorry, Paul!) - and Infernal. The latter was particularly bitter for me because I'm a huge fan. "Paris To Berlin" is one of my favourite albums of the decade. "Electric Cabaret", on the other hand, boasts two semi-decent songs. No wonder it's a massive international flop. Paw and Lina need to get back to the drawing board now!

1. Songs Of Love & Loss 2 - Tina Arena
2. Pop - Same Difference
3. Electric Cabaret - Infernal

Best Cover

I'll let these images speak for themselves!

1. Lady Fantasy - Ryan Paris (above)


2. Musica e Parole - Spagna and Berte

3. Back To Now - LaBelle

The Worst Albums Of 2008

1. Out Of Control - Girls Aloud

The white supremacist and her four hooker friends excreted their 5th studio album in 2008 and it's every bit as vile as their previous offerings. I don't even know why I bothered listening to "Out Of Control" in the first place. I've never understood the appeal of Britain's five worst vocalists or their bland, lifeless "songs" - inevitably overproduced to the point of parody by the once great Xenomania. I can't even enjoy these pop parasites on a so-bad-it's-good level anymore. That simple mercy has been squashed by their increasingly pretentious output as evidenced on "Out Of Control". I thought "The Promise" (the least convincing retro pop number of this decade or any other) was the bottom of the barrel but unfortunately the whole album is jam packed with stinking turds of equal measure. From beginning to end, this is a stomach churning succession of recycled ideas and bad execution. In a nutshell, "Out Of Control" is less appealing than Nicola's face. Without make-up.

-Infinity/10


2. Dance Love Pop - Agnes Carlsson

Not since the bad old days of Ratshit (Rachel) Stevens has one diva managed to destroy so many decent pop songs with her reed thin voice and astounding lack of personality. Agnes Carlsson is the musical equivalent of R2D2. She has no passion, no soul and no warmth. Listening to "Dance Love Pop", you could be forgiven for thinking that Agnes is completely devoid of humanity. There is, quite simply, no emotional connection to the lyrics or music. It's a shame because the album could have been quite fun if it wasn't performed by an evil robot.

0/10

3. Spirit (Deluxe Edition) - Leona Lewis

The most boring cunt in modern music embellishes her already shit album with even more soulless ballads and dreary mid-tempo jams custom made to highlight her incredibly mediocre voice and breathtaking lack of charisma. The joy.

0.5/10


4. The Circus - Take That

I was originally quite excited about the reformation of Take That until I realised that they had transformed into the boyband equivalent of James Blunt. The occasional cliché filled power ballad can be entertaining but a whole album of them borders on cruel and unusual punishment.

1/10


5. Hard Candy - Madonna

Earlier this year, I described "Hard Candy" as the musical equivalent of being fisted by a thick wristed dwarf. In retrospect, I think I was being overly kind.

1.5/10

These stinkers round out my ten worst albums of 2008:

Circus - Britney Spears
Viva La Vida - Coldplay
Safe Trip Home - Dido
Peliculas - Lorena
Heavy Rotation - Anastacia