3 Words For Cheryl Cole: Go. Fuck. Yourself.

Listening to "3 Words" is only slightly more painful and humiliating than being punched in the face by a talentless media whore in a public toilet after being called a "jigaboo". Seriously, urban pop music hasn't sunk to these depraved depths since Damon Dash single-handedly destroyed Victoria Beckham's music career by convincing her to go street. I can't think of anything positive to say about "3 Words" - well, apart from the fact that it probably sets a new world record for the most copious use of autotune on a single recording. The racist from Girls Aloud proves once and for all that she is a delusional idiot suffering from a stunning lack of vocal ability and charisma. Cheryl has crafted what is possibly the worst album of all time (and that includes Cameron Daddo's country album) and I found the process of reviewing it to be a cruel and unusual punishment. Anyway, here are my brief thoughts on 2009's biggest turd:

3 Words (Featuring will.i.am) - 0/10

Who the fuck does this cunt think she is? Fergie? This dreary, mid-tempo urban pop duet sounds like something The Dutchess recorded when she was still on Meth and talking to washing machines. "3 Words" - a clear reference to the 'Ku Klux Klan' if ever I heard it - is utterly appalling. There's no chorus and no melody to speak of. All that's left is Cheryl's mercifully autotuned voice and some weak beats that were obviously too shit for "The E.N.D."

Parachute - 0/10

Oh lord. The world's worst singer has decided to rip off "Umbrella". I can't believe this hateful troll thinks she's in the same league as Rihanna. Where's Chris Brown when you need him to smack a bitch up? Honestly, this is just abysmal. Faux urban pop at its most derivative and dire.

Heaven (Featuring will.i.am) - 0/10

"I don't gotta die to get up to heaven. My heaven's wit choo!" Someone really needs to tell Cheryl that assaulting a black woman doesn't make her one. Bitch is from Newcastle not New York! This bland dirge is utterly pointless and more than a little embarrassing. What the hell has gotten into will.i.am? I think he's just decided to sabotage the racist's career by giving her all his worst tunes. When was this recorded? 2002?

Fight For This Love (AKA Fight For This Race) - 0/10

I've already said enough about 2009's most disturbing and appalling piece of propaganda for the White Supremacy movement. Bad lyrics, bad vocals and production recycled from Brandy circa 1997 equals putrid pop at its most empty and vile.

Rain On Me - 0/10

Seriously, I can't believe this tragic bitch ever got a record deal. Her voice is thinner than an extra sheer condom and leaves an even worse taste in your mouth. This mid-tempo misstep (produced by the usually reliable Wayne Wilkins) has absolutely nothing going for it. Even Shontelle would draw the line at this sad pile of wank.

Make Me Cry - 0/10

I'd love to see this racist bitch cry. It shouldn't be too hard. I'm sure she throws a tantrum every time Barack Obama comes on the telly and makes Ashley get extra nasty with his mobile phone before putting on "Birth Of A Nation" to calm her nerves. This is one of the few bouncy pop tunes on the album but it's completely destroyed by Cheryl's voice. It's also two minutes too long.

Happy Hour - 0/10

Is she referring to the moment this shit ends? Fantastic - more recycled urban beats and a migraine inducing sample. Who is this album's intended audience? Those tens of VB fans living in hope that her urban masterpiece will eventually leak in full? Or just deluded Girls Aloud fans who have regularly proven their willingness to buy any old shit? At least "Happy Hour" boasts some so bad they're almost amusing lyrics. "I realise some days I can be sweet and some I'm sour but I can't help but drink you up 'cause you're my happy hour" - I mean, really.

Stand Up - 0.5/10

Finally a cheap and cheerful dance number that wouldn't sound out of place on a Girls Aloud album. Co-written and produced by Taio Cruz (who is no stranger to polishing a turd), this is the album's best track but it's still sounds like an Agnes B-side. Forgettable but relatively inoffensive.

Don't Talk About This Love - 0/10

Oh hell, I'm really scared. This one note wonder is trying to sing a ballad. Jesus take the wheel and steer me clear of this crime against humanity. Computer says 'fuck no', deletes its hard drive and explodes in protest.

Boy Like You (Featuring will.i.am) - 0/10

How dare this cunt sample one of my favourite Fleetwood Mac songs? Stevie would never approve! Unfortunately that sample is the only good thing about "Boy Like You". Plodding beats pollute something that could have been remotely interesting. This sounds like an insipid attempt at mimicking the RedOne sound. I have officially lost all respect for will.i.am. This is just gross.

Heartbreaker (Featuring will.i.am) - 0/10

Oh great. It's the musical masterpiece that launched Cheryl's solo career. It was shit in 2008 and it's still shit now.

In conclusion, I would prefer to be slowly castrated by Jewel's crooked teeth and forced to read Ayn Rand for the rest of eternity than ever hear this musical abortion ever again.