Sour 7 - Disappreciation Thread

Mutya gives her verdict on "Sweet 7"

It's a sad day for pop music when the new Sugababes' album is only twice as good as the last Girls Aloud offering. Once upon a time you could bank on The Babes making their rivals look even more tragic than usual. While the racist and her talentless friends churned out the same old shit year after year, Keisha & co continued to mix up their sound and brought some much needed class and dignity to the charts - regardless of the seemingly endless line up changes. The ship really should have sunk with Mutya's departure but the group somehow managed to survive without the realest girl in pop. "Catfights and Spotlights" was disappointing but eventually grew on me and I thought "Get Sexy" was a good omen for their 7th album. The ladies seemed back on track until Keisha was shown the door and it became blindingly obvious that she was the glue keeping the group together all these years. As far as I'm concerned the Sugababes officially died when Jade Ewen signed on. I could deal with horsey Heidi and crazy Amelle as replacements but a floptastic Eurovision failure with the charisma of a burst colostomy bag? Was Mel Blatt too busy?

Despite my disillusion with the brand, I was still genuinely excited about "Sweet 7". The line up of producers is mouth watering. RedOne, Stargate, Fernando Garibay and Toby Gad have created some of the best songs of all time. The Sugababes might be a complete farce but it's impossible to get the music wrong with all these heavyweights, right? Apparently not. I'm a huge fan of American pop but this album represents everything wrong with it - recycled beats, generic lyrics and soulless mid-tempo ballads. There is an obvious hierachy when it comes to working with the A List and the Sugababes got Beyoncé and Rihanna's hand me downs. Hell, I think they got the shit Jordin Sparks rejected! It's easy to point the finger at the producers or the record company for ruthlessly pursuing the US market but other British acts have effortlessly jumped on board the American pop bandwagon (see my recent posts on Livvi Franc and Tania Foster for starters), so the blame has to lie with Heidi, Amelle and Jade. They simply simply don't click as a group and are completely out of touch with their fanbase. The girls need to change their name or pull the plug. "Sweet 7" is the final nail in the Sugababes' rotting coffin.

I'm not going to give the album a proper track by track review because I find it too depressing. However, here is my cheat sheet to "Sweet 7":

Get Sexy

A decent lead single that sounds infinitely better when you're off your face in a club. The song will always hold a special place in my heart due to the band's surprise appearance on Pop Trash Addicts to promote it. Their hints on getting sexy (below) have been a constant source of amusement to me.

Wear My Kiss

"Wear My Kiss" is the best track on the album by a very wide margin. Fernando Garibay has been on a tear recently - delivering killer tracks for Lady GaGa and Whitney - and he continues to impress. I have a feeling this is going to be a massive flop but it's the only song on the album that Version 2.0 would have touched with a ten foot pole. Make sure you download the glorious WAWA remix from iTunes. It's one of my favourite tunes of 2010. Brilliant.

About A Girl

Keisha's version > Jade's version. But they're both RedOne on autopilot.

Wait For You

This doesn't quite scale the same heights as "Wear My Kiss" but it's a decent slice of uptempo dance-pop with a surprisingly cute chorus. It just sounds suspiciously similar to Lady GaGa's vastly superior "No Way" - a song Fernando previously submitted for "The Fame Monster".

Thank You For The Heartbreak

The Sugababes go electro with a little help from Stargate. Sounds amazing? It isn't.

Miss Everything (Featuring Sean Kingston)

A three and a half minute lesson in how to be a gold digging skank. Siobhán is lying in the foetal position somewhere clutching her copy of The Female Eunuch begging Jesus for forgiveness.

She's A Mess

This unveiled attack on Mutya is completely unnecessary. It's not her fault "she's sweating bullets" and "her heels are broke". You try dragging those butt implants around the club! Mut Mut will have her revenge!

Give It To Me Now

The clown behind Cheryl Cole's "Parachute" was responsible for this mess. Enough said.

Crash & Burn

OK, I like this. Toby Gad's ballads have a way of sucking me in - particularly Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" and Bey's "If I Were A Boy". "Crash & Burn" isn't in the same league as those stunning anthems but it is lovely and one of the few songs on "Sweet 7" that showcases the fact that these women can actually sing. Unlike Girls Aloud.

No More You

Stargate's ability to recycle beats should be acknowledged by the Guinness Book Of World Records. I swear I've heard this song 500 times before and I'm pretty sure that almost all of them have been just as shit.

Sweet & Amazing

When I saw the title I expected a much deserved tribute to Keisha but it's just another mid-tempo ballad - albeit an unexpectedly cute one. This is worth a listen.

Little Miss Perfect

Trite, lame and embarrassing. A fitting conclusion to a diabolical album.

RATING: 3/10

R.I.P Sugababes - thanks for the memories!

Ke$ha's Animal - Pop Trash Review

This review took me about six weeks to write. At this rate, I'll be commenting on "Sweet 7" some time in December. The reason for the delay is actually quite simple. Basically, I can't decide whether I should build a shrine to Ke$ha in my bedroom or view her exploding popularity as a sure sign that the Apocalypse is nigh. I initially thought of her as a canny Lady GaGa wannabe but I couldn't have been more wrong. I wouldn't be surprised if the fame monster begins each recording session by pouring over Italian Vogue before masturbating to the latest Lars Von Trier film in a John Galliano gown to get in the mood, while Ke$ha just rolls out of the gutter and sings about her hangover and overworked vagina. The thing is - I really want to be on team Ke$ha. She's a dirty skank who just wants to fuck and party, which makes her indistinguishable from 90% of my friends. The problem is that she's a one trick pony. "Animal" is by no means a bad album - in fact, parts of it compare favourably to "The Fame" - it's just incredibly limited in its scope. I like songs about getting drunk, fucking and fame whoring as much as the next gay but by the 15th ode to excess, I just wanted to gulp down a litre of carrot juice and scrub my genitals with industrial strength disinfectant. I'm not hating on Ke$ha because I genuinely admire her idiosyncratic lyrics, catchy hooks and fuck you attitude. I just hope she follows Lady GaGa's lead and takes things to the next level on her sophomore album. In the meantime, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. Here is my track by track review:

Your Love Is My Drug

"Maybe I need some rehab or maybe just need some sleep" really sets the tone for the album. However, the opening track is actually kind of sweet. "Your Love Is My Drug" is probably the closest thing to a straightforward pop song on "Animal". The production (courtesy of heavyweights like Dr Luke and Benny Blanco) bounces along happily, while Ke$ha's lyrics are surprisingly cute. I like the line about having "a slumber party in her basement"... on second thoughts that could be a really nasty metaphor! This is an obvious choice for the album's third single but I'd prefer "Animal", "Stephen" or "Kiss N Tell".

Tik Tok

There isn't much to say about this polarising party anthem. I know a lot of people consider it juvenile trash but I think "Tik Tok" is a modern classic that will still be on high rotation at 40th birthday parties in 2030. Give the song's fabulous parody a listen. It's already top 5 on Australian iTunes, which is a testament to the extent to which "Tik Tok" has already become ingrained in popular culture.

Take It Off

Is this jam really about a sex on venue premises? Ke$ha should do a tour of gay saunas. Bitch would be in 7th heaven! I know I complained about the number of slut anthems on "Animal" but this is one of the album's best and holds up as a crisply produced pop gem. Moreover, "Take It Off" has my favourite lyric of 2010: "got my drunk text on, I'll regret it in the morn". I thought I was the only person who goes clubbing and shamelessly spends half the night sending inappropriate texts. I feel so validated!

Kiss N Tell

Max Martin's first contribution to the album is a real standout. Something special happens when the Swede combines with Dr Luke and "Kiss N Tell" is no exception. The production is an interesting Katy Perry meets Britney mash, while Ke$ha's amusing lyrics offer a witty take on the cheating boyfriend genre. Instead of playing the victim, homegirl goes on the offensive by memorably calling her man a slut and ridiculing his manhood. Fair play. Think of this as an inferior but still extremely enjoyable version of "Hot N Cold".

Stephen

Ok, by this point I was ready to devote my life to stalking Ke$ha at underground sex parties. "Animal" begins very impressively but it's all downhill after this song. However, there's no denying the poptastic brilliance of "Stephen". It's so different from everything else on the album. There are glimpses of genuine emotion and even a moment or two of vulnerability. I particularly love the lyrics, which range from amusingly delusional ("I watched your ugly girlfriend sneer across the room, as if I really care that she's here with you") to wonderfully demented - "I'll knit you a sweater, I'll wanna wrap you up in my love forever!" Another highlight is David Gamson's oddball production, which reflects his 80s glory years with Scritti Politti. I'd love this to be a single but it's probably just a tad too weird and wonderful.

Blah Blah Blah (Featuring 3OH3!)

The title sums up this aural turd perfectly. Sorry, slut but Katy Perry did this first and slightly better on admittedly awful "Starstrukk". Whoever chose this as the second single deserves a bullet.

Hungover

Dr Luke and Max Martin return to helm the pop tart's first attempt at a ballad and it's not as awful as some critics would have you believe. Admittedly, autotune is Ke$ha's friend and the lyrics are abysmal ("even my dirty laundry smells like you") but there's an edge to her voice that I actually find appealing and the subtle synths work nicely. Think P!nk's "Sober" sung by a trashed bitch at karaoke and you get the general idea.

Party At A Rich Dude's House

This song is so bad it's amazing! Apparently Ke$ha wrote the song after vomiting in Paris Hilton's closet while laying down backing vocals on "Nothing In This World" - one of my all time favourite songs! For that alone this trash deserves a Grammy. The driving guitar and punk attitude also make a nice change. I would probably enjoy "Party At A Rich Dude's House" a lot more if I were a drink away from passing out in an alley but listening to it sober, there's no denying that it's quite shit. Chalk this up as a twisted guilty pleasure.

I actually imported this shit from Italy!

Backstabber

"Backstabber" is a total grower. I hated it at first but now the song reminds me of the electro-rock experiments on Ashlee Simpson's criminally under-appreciated "Bittersweet World" album. That said, Ke$ha isn't quite in the same league as Ashlee when it comes to musical genius but everyone can identify with these lyrics. In fact, I could dedicate this anthem to quite a few people and probably will when I get my drunk text on! Not exactly single material but accomplished filler nonetheless.

Blind

Copy and paste everything I said about "Hungover". Ballads are clearly not Ke$ha's forte but the guitar driven chorus at least helps "Blind" stand out from the rest of the album.

Dinosaur

If nothing else, "Dinosaur" proves that even Max Martin still has a few new tricks up his sleeve. I can't think of anything in his canon of hits that even sounds remotely similar to this. The production rips off pays homage to that classic Was Not Was jam "Walk The Dinosaur" (fuck, I'm old!) and the lyrics are hilarious - "not long till you're a senior citizen and you can strut around with a sexy tank of oxygen"! It's about time someone wrote a song about dirty old men and I suggest this be played on a weekly basis at The Midnight Shift.

Dancing With Tears In My Eyes

This is a surprisingly insightful dance anthem about regret. After half a dozen mediocre tracks about partying, it's a relief to hear something with a bit of heart. Lyrics like "on the floor I'm just a zombie, who I am is not who I want to be" and "I've wasted the love of my life" are surprisingly self aware by Ke$ha's standards and the Dr Luke/Benny Blanco production is admirably restrained. Fans of Lady GaGa's "So Happy I Could Die" should enjoy this. A definite step in the right direction.

Boys & Boots

Of the 40 or so Ke$ha demos floating around the internet prior to the album's release, Tom Neville's "Boys & Boots" is one of the few to make the final cut. I would have gone with "Friday Night Bitch Fight" for pure comedy value or the surprisingly lovely "CUNxTuesday" (don't be put off by the fabulous title!) but this slinky little pop tune is catchy and cute. It also shows off the diva's versatility. She's not all quirky one liners and autotune.

Animal

I love Greg Kurstin. Anyone who can contribute gems to talents as diverse as Kylie, Sia and Ladyhawke is clearly a genius and he doesn't disappoint here. The album's title track is a shiny pop gem with a genuine hands in the air chorus that doesn't rely on studio trickery or filthy lyrics to be memorable. Ke$ha clearly has a lot of potential, songs like "Animal" stand up to anything on "The Fame". I just wish she'd stop trying to be America's answer to Lily Allen and put a lid on the bratty lyrics.

BONUS TRACKS

V.I.P.

Another song that has been floating around the internet for the best part of a year. It's not particularly good and makes you wonder who culled Ke$sha's impressive stash of demos.

Dirty Picture (featuring Taio Cruz)

Now, this is a fun. I love Taio Cruz and his voice combines surprisingly well with Ke$ha's. The song sounds like a reject from David Guetta's "One Love" album but that's not a bad thing. At all. I like the electro beats and can imagine a decent DJ turning this into something wonderful. Definitely worth hunting down for dance fans.

RATING: 7/10

Heidi Montag's Pop Masterpiece

In breaking news Madonna just ripped out her chicken cutlets and bought a time share in Florida. Reports also confirm that Kylie has just accepted a job as Dannii's new nanny, while Beyoncé is currently on the phone to Solange getting emergency counselling on how it feels to be a nobody. In yet another shocking development, music lovers are mourning the news that La Toya won't be startin' over for at least another 9 years. What could possibly spook pop's leading ladies to such a devastating extent? The answer, my friends, is an album so magnificent it makes "Thriller" sound like "3 Words". From the moment Heidi Montag unleashed her stunning debut single upon the world, it was immediately apparent that pop music had a new saviour. The reality TV superstar followed that anthem with gem after gem but nothing can prepare you for the genius of "Superficial". Heidi's much delayed debut album raises the bar to such an extent that it automatically makes every other diva in the business redundant. Never before has one reed thin voice belted out so many unforgettable anthems about topical issues like clubbing, shopping and looking hot. Heidi's music will not only make you dance - it will widen the horizons of your mind and help put you on the path to righteousness. Here is my track by track review of 2010's first masterpiece:

Look How I'm Doing

I showed you a kiss that they do in France

Like many of the amazing anthems on "Superficial", the opening number isn't exactly new. In fact, slightly different versions previously appeared on both "Wherever I Am" and "Here She Is" - the two EPs Ms Montag released in 2009. I totally understand why "Look How I'm Doing" has been recycled more often than your average Stargate beat. The Cathy Dennis penned, Steve Morales produced track is one of the album's catchiest tunes. I love the chorus, vocal hooks ("ha ha ha ha") and insightful lyrics about looking sexy. Heidi's breathy voice effortlessly floats above the urban dance beats like an angel in heaven making this a memorable opener.

Turn Ya Head

If you're hungry for pleasure, I'll serve you a measure

Heidi's attempt to revolutionise urban pop as we know it also appeared on both her previous EPs. I'm slightly disappointed that "Turn Ya Head" made the cut while vastly superior tracks like "Overdosin", "Fashion" and "Body Language" were left off. There's nothing wrong with the song itself. It just sounds like an outtake from Britney's "Blackout" album - only with better vocals and classier lyrics. However, a major talent like Heidi deserves more challenging material. I think Cathy Dennis was taking the piss on this one.

Fanatic

Boy, you got me checking that I've got a temperature

Apparently this is going to be the album's second single. I was worried when I read that the producer's previous credits include Z grade losers like Anastacia and Delta Goodrem but "Fanatic" is something of a surprise packet. It's a funktastic mid-tempo pop tune drenched in 80s influences - particularly vintage Prince. That could be the reason it reminds me of Kylie's "Still Standing" so strongly. The song works and I like that Heidi has found the time to experiment with her sound between plastic surgeries but it's not really single material. There are better tracks on the album and the level of autotune on "Fanatic" should come with a safety warning.

Superficial

They say I'm superficial, some call me a bitch
They're just mad 'cause I'm sexy, famous and I'm rich

The album's title track and lead single is a stunning indictment of popular culture and the value judgements made against innocent publicity whores like Heidi. Just because the diva underwent 10 plastic surgeries in one day doesn't make her superficial. It just reflects favourably on her time management skills! Think of this stinging swipe at Heidi's critics as her personal theme song. Furthermore, classy lyrics like "hoppin' out the Maserati, all I see is paparazzi" ensure the track's status as a future trash classic.

More Is More

It's fucking chaos in here

"More Is More" is generally regarded as Heidi's most commercial track, which is reflected by the fact that it is her only hit - reaching a lofty #27 on the US dance chart. Steve Morales really knows how to bring the best out of The Hills icon. She tears up the vocal and injects some real passion into the song. I guess getting wasted in a club is an issue close to Heidi's heart. All jokes aside, "More Is More" would have been a huge hit for anyone else and just proves that evil haters are conspiring to ruin the diva's music career. Have strength, Heidi!

One More Drink

I'm getting lost in this liquid high,
I'm elevated to some new heights

Beer goggles don't get a lot of recognition in popular music but this stunning ode to intoxication rigorously explores the benefits of hooking up while pissed. Legislation should be introduced requiring this song be blasted out of every bar and club on a Saturday night. Heidi is now the patron saint of drunk sex! Inspiring lyrics aside, I actually think "One More Drink" is a brilliant pop tune. The Runners are best known for producing rap acts like Rick Ross and Lil Wayne but unlike some of Heidi's collaborators (I'm talking to you, Cathy Dennis!), these guys have taken the brief seriously and come up with a slinky little anthem that gets stuck in your head and refuses to leave. Worth checking out for camp value alone.

Twisted

You won't let me leave, you want to strangle me

I wanted to strangle Heidi too by the end of "Twisted". It's a pretty standard bad boyfriend song produced by Sebastian Jacome (the man behind hits for A Listers like the Cheetah Girls and Mexican goddess Anahí) but my problem is the grating vocal. I usually love the pop visionary's voice but she sounds like she's choking on Spencer's cock on this one.

Hey Boy

Don't act like you're payin' my bills,
When you know your broke ass can't even pay attention

Sebastian returns with a similarly themed tune on "Hey Boy". Happily, this is a vastly better effort and wouldn't sound out of place on Ashlee Simpson's hugely underrated "Bittersweet World" album. The production is perky - the combination of rock and dance elements works well - and the lyrics have some much needed bite. A lot of haters have dismissed "Superficial" as sounding like the one song repeated twelve times but "Hey Boy" is an example of Heidi switching things up and exploring different genres. I still think her calling is synthpop but this isn't horrible by any means.

My Parade

The main attraction if you're lookin' for some action

Don't be put off by the song's opening verse, which sounds like yet another cheerleading anthem in the vein of Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl". "My Parade" swiftly transforms into a straightforward pop track and is ultimately a fine addition to Heidi's growing library of party anthems. The production (courtesy of Fingazz) is Danja-lite but that's a compliment of sorts. The heavy beats will get your feet moving and mercilessly take the attention away from the inane lyrics.

Blackout

I'm over the stories that we'll never make it,
When I think of losing you, baby I hate it

There isn't a lot more I can say about "Blackout". I already devoted a post to its brilliance and featured it in my best of 2009 countdown. I guess I'd just like to reiterate that this is the sound I think Heidi should be pursuing. Her voice tends to get swallowed by heavy beats, which rules out the vast majority of Britney/Robyn rip-offs she is given. The more subtle synthpop of "Overdosin'", "Body Language" and "Blackout" is where she comes into her own. In all seriousness, I'd love Kylie or Dannii to have a song this good on either of their next albums.

I'll Do It

I fuck to get attention,
I brought some treats,
I know that you're gonna love 'em
Eat my panties off of me

And the award for the best song of "Superficial" goes to "I'll Do It" in a landslide. Yet another Steve Morales production, this sleazy jam is absolutely outrageous. Heidi displays her formidable intellect by dissecting gender roles with probing lyrics like "I'll be your hot mess, school girl with curls - whatever you like, I'll do it". Apart from exploring sexual politics and popular culture's dark underbelly of misogyny, the song also boasts a wicked chorus and dizzying middle eight. I can't get enough of this filth.

Love It Or Leave It

I'm an important lady,
When I show up they pay me

Appropriately, the album ends with another fuck you to Heidi's critics. Unlike the title track, "Love It Or Leave It" actually has a bit of bite and works surprisingly well. The production and autotune overload smoothers her voice but this is the closest you're going to get to the real Heidi. All in all, "Superficial" is a remarkably enjoyable collection of pop tunes that deserved to sell more than a mere 658 copies in its first week! Chalk this up as 2010's first great album.

Rating - 10/10

"I'll Do It" - my favourite track on "Superficial"

Kylie - Live In New York

I used to think there were two kinds of live albums. A select few give you a whole new insight into the artist, while the vast majority are best thought of as souvenirs for hardcore fans. In the past Kylie has delivered one of each. As far as I'm concerned 1998's "Intimate & Live" is an essential milestone in the pop icon's career. It's a vibrant snapshot of the diva at her most brave and creative. When friends question Min's artistic credentials I play them "Take Me With You" or "Free" and watch their jaws drop. The same can't really be said for "Showgirl Homecoming Live" - regardless of how much I love it. Sure, there are some gems (the original and BEST version of "White Diamond" and the truly epic mash of "Light Years" and "Turn It Into Love") but most of the time I just watch the DVD. After all, the concert was created as a visual extravaganza and it definitely loses something in translation. So to which category does the recently released "Live In New York" belong? Well, neither. It doesn't really offer anything new but it's bursting with such a sense of joy and occasion that it's impossible to resist. Think of this as a celebration for the singer and her fans alike - and as a perfect end to the (in my opinion) highly underrated and intriguing "X" era.

"For You, For Me" is only the second Kylie tour I've missed in the past 20 years (the other being 1991's UK only "Let's Get To It" extravaganza), so I can't comment on the dancers, costumes or special effects but the setlist is a pleasing hybrid of "Showgirl Homecoming" and "X2008". The highlights of "X" are carefully sprinkled between the legend's greatest hits - with a medley and a couple of mash-ups thrown in for good measure. You've basically heard it all before if you attended either of Kylie's previous tours but it must have been a heady mix for the Minogue starved American gays! The quality is uniformly excellent, so it's hard to pick favourites but I particularly love the new arrangement of "Confide In Me", while joyous renditions of "The One" (the lo-fi guitar intro is a great touch), "In My Arms" and "Wow" are a testament to enduring appeal of "X". However, if I had to choose the highlight of "Live In New York" it would be the "Everything Taboo" medley. This is a wet dream for old school fans. Time has not wearied the brilliance of "Shocked" and "What Do I Have To Do?" one iota, while "Spinning Around" always sounds remarkably better live (it's one of the very few Kylie songs that I absolutely hate).

Criticisms? Well, it's a scandal they didn't drag Jazzi P out of retirement to rap on the aforementioned rendition of "Shocked" but apart from that there's not a lot wrong with the album. I am slightly annoyed that Kylie's stunning US smash hit "All I See" missed the cut and I feel the urge to point out that the "Red Blooded Woman/Where The Wild Roses Grow" mash didn't work that well to begin with (and still sounds shit). If I was going to be an extremely picky bitch I'd complain about the increasingly tired jazz interpretations of "I Should Be So Lucky" and "The Locomotion" and express my annoyance at the omission of the amazing new track "Better Than Today". I assume that means it will be appearing on the diva's next studio album but I'll be writing a strongly worded letter to KDB Pty Ltd if it's discarded like "Flower", "Ruffle My Feathers" and the original "White Diamond"! However, all this nitpicking seems incredibly petty, particularly when you consider the album's greatest achievement - documenting the sense of celebration that permeates every second of the concert. Kylie is clearly having the time of her life and it's almost impossible not to go along for the ride. "Live In New York" is available to download from iTunes now.

An edit of Kylie's fabulous retro "Everything Taboo" Medley

Alicia Keys & The Element Of Freedom

Until this week I've been what you'd call a casual Alicia Keys fan. I've always admired her talent and loved the occasional song ("No One", "Karma" and "You Don't Know My Name" spring to mind) but I never really connected with her as a person. She always seemed a little too perfect and untouchable to me. Kind of like Whitney in the late 80s before she discovered crack. Well, Alicia's normally immaculate facade is starting to look a little vulnerable. The lead singles from her latest album have underperformed, the diva has battled depression and she's currently embroiled in a major scandal after shacking up with Swizz Beats. Strangely enough, I love floptastic, homewrecking Alicia! There is actually a real person in there and she's just as flawed and messed up as the rest of us. I finally feel her emotional turmoil and there's plenty of that on "The Element Of Freedom". As usual, Alicia doesn't stray far from matters of the heart but this time around she's working with a broader musical palette. The piano based ballads are still there but they're now mixed with synth drenched mid-tempo pop songs and even a club banger of a duet with Beyoncé. "The Element Of Freedom" won't appeal to everyone but it's a late (and very unexpected) contender for my album of the year. I hope this review inspires the AK haters to listen this remarkable artist with unbiased ears.

The Element Of Freedom (Intro)

I hate intros and interludes - and this is no exception. Alicia talks about blooming into a flower from a "tightly closed" bud. I think that's a fancy way of saying that freedom is having the courage to take chances and be yourself. Awww.

Love Is Blind

From the opening onslaught of piano and synths, it's immediately apparent that Alicia has finally moved on from the straightforward soul of her previous albums. I really like Jeff Bhasker's evocative and sparse production but this is one of my least favourite songs on the album. That being said, "Love Is Blind" perfectly sets the mood for "The Element Of Freedom" and has a haunting quality that I find quite beautiful. However, the best is definitely yet to come.

Doesn't Mean Anything

The album's much maligned lead single stalled at #60 in America and missed the charts completely in Australia. It was widely labelled as the poor man's "No One" and some critics even accused the diva of being a one trick pony. While "Doesn't Mean Anything" could easily fit on any of Alicia's previous albums, I think it's unfair to criticise her for exploring familiar themes. Aretha and Stevie covered similar ground for most of their careers without having to justify themselves. Personally, I love the song. Sure, it's a bit soppy but it appeals to the hopeless romantic in me and I love the simplicity of the arrangement. My only problem with "Doesn't mean Anything" is the fact that it's too subtle for a lead single and completely misrepresents the rest of the album.

Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart

Now this is more like it. The album's second single channels the 80s with an explosion of synths and keyboards. The lyrics are typically dramatic - Alicia definitely paints in bold strokes when it comes to expressing emotions - but I can identify with the song's love sick/slightly deluded narrator more than I care to admit. "Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart" isn't exactly setting the charts on fire either but hopefully it's something of a grower. It's such a treat to hear Alicia explore new sounds and with this she proves she's just as adept at knocking out pop songs as she is writing soul ballads.

Wait Till You See My Smile

And the award for my favourite song on "The Element Of Freedom" goes to the gorgeous "Wait Till You See My Smile" (well, equal favourite with "Empire State Of Mind"). The song is an absolutely essential addition to the canon of I'll show 'em/wait till they see me now anthems. However, unlike the majority of those songs (see Kina's fabulous "Girl From The Gutter") - this is completely lacking in bitterness and spite. Rather Alicia has written a self-empowerment mantra for herself. I love the production on this. The combination of piano and keyboards against a backdrop of pretty synths is stunning and the lyrics are genuinely inspiring: "You don't really need 'em, cause you're stronger and you're better and you're ready for whatever". Sing it, Alicia. This is kind of random but does the song remind anyone else of Carly Simon's 1989 hit "Let The River Run"? The older gays might see where I'm coming from.

That's How Strong My Love Is

After experimenting with new production techniques, Ms Keys returns to her trademark piano based soul sound on the self-produced "That's How Strong My Love Is". The woman's talent is actually kind of scary. I can't think of any other diva in pop who could create something this good on their own. Sure, it's another slightly over the top love song but why fuck with a winning formula? I love Alicia's voice on this - she really lets loose and shows off her range. Some people might find the lyrics a little clichéd but I just think they're sweet and romantic. I clearly share her all or nothing approach to love. I bet we're the same star sign. (Edit: Yep, we're both January babies)

Unthinkable (I'm Ready)

Brace yourself, stalkers - you have a new theme song! I'm pretty sentimental but even I would run in the opposite direction if someone said "I was wondering maybe, could I make you a baby?" Disturbing lyrics aside, there's an old school R'n'B feel to this languid jam that is actually rather appealing. A solid album track.

Love Is My Disease

This is interesting. "Love Is My Disease" is a co-production between longtime collaborator Kerry "Krucial" Brothers and Toby Gad (Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" and Beyoncé's "If I Were A Boy"). The result is a mid-tempo guitar pop song with a distinct traces of reggae and ska. It shouldn't work but it does. The more organic production breaks up the album nicely and Alicia writes about the dark underbelly of love with insight and honesty.

Like The Sea

"Wait Till You See My Smile" and "Empire State Of Mind" might be my favourite songs on the album but "Like The Sea" is a very close equal second with the Beyoncé duet. This mesmerising extended metaphor doubling as a pop song is as clever as it is catchy. It kind of reminds me of vintage Stevie Wonder. I love the dark, atmospheric production and the line "love is like the sea, leaves you on your knees - first you're floating high then it takes you, takes you under" is one of my favourite lyrics of the year. Alicia speaks the truth.

Put It In A Love Song (Duet With Beyoncé)

This duet is whole reason I checked out "The Element Of Freedom" in the first place. As most of you know, I'm a devout Beyjesus convert and I couldn't wait to hear her second superstar duet in the space of a month. I thought Beyoncé's Lady GaGa collaboration ("Telephone" not "Videophone"!) was pretty extraordinary but I think I prefer "Put It In A Love Song". It's a ridiculously catchy urban pop tune in the vein of "Single Ladies". This is the most commercial track Alicia has recorded since she teamed up with Eve on "Gangsta Lovin'". I love the camp intro and the divas battle their way through the verses before joining forces on a brilliant chorus. My favourite part is the "work it out, gotta work it out" breakdown. Swizz Beats also brings his A game to the production - it's effortlessly slick and the hand claps are a nice touch. Fingers crossed this is released as a single.

This Bed

Alicia continues to try new things by exploring 70s funk on this slinky jam. The heavy bass mixes surprisingly well with the crisp synths and the sexy lyrics give the song an unexpected edge. "This Bed" wouldn't sound out of place on an early Prince record, which is high praise indeed. Another winning album track.

Distance And Time

The musical experimentation is momentarily put on hold for another piano ballad. "Distance And Time" sounds a lot like "Doesn't Mean Anything" - only better. They both share the same stripped back production and their themes aren't dissimilar. I tend to gravitate towards these sentimental ballads, so I'm not complaining. The reason I prefer this to "Doesn't Mean Anything" is the beautiful splash of gospel towards the end of the song and the sweetness of the lyrics. Warning - this will give you the urge to sway your lighter in the air and send someone a text that you will most probably later regret. I speak from experience.

How It Feels To Fly

Alicia Keys knows how to sing a restrained piano ballad better than anyone in the business but she doesn't do overblown power ballads very often. Which is probably why "How It Feels To Fly" is such a standout. This is the kind of tits out balladry that Mariah mastered in the 90s before her career was sabotaged by The-Dream. I like the fact that it isn't so much about love and relationships as taking chances and following your heart. It's about as subtle as a sledge hammer but a bit of melodrama never hurt anybody.

Empire State Of Mind (Part II)

I could and probably should devote an entire post to how much I love "Empire State Of Mind". I'm still pretty obssessed with the Jay Z original (currently at #1 for the 4th week in America) but I think Alicia's sequel surpasses it. There's something incredibly uplifting about this song. It perfectly captures the energy and inspiration you get from living in a big city - not to mention the hopes and dreams of its inhabitants. Alicia's version more so than Jay Z's because it has so much soul. I get goosebumps every time I hear "Empire State Of Mind (Part II)". A modern classic.

BONUS TRACKS

Through It All

Bonus tracks are usually pretty hit and miss but "The Element Of Freedom" boasts two absolute winners. "Through It All" is kind of like an Alicia Keys piano ballad on steroids. The sound is still very organic but the song is so upbeat and uplifting. I love the strings, the ruthless optimism of the lyrics and the breezy chorus. Alicia also delivers one of her best vocals. Send this to someone you love.

Prayer For Forgiveness

"Prayer For Forgiveness" is like the musical flipside of "Through It All". It's probably the album's darkest, most introspective moment but it gives me chills. The quasi-orchestral arrangement is lush and beautiful and it's refreshing to hear Alicia explore deeper issues than love and heartache. Lyrics like "I feel like my mind is haunting me, I think of every little mistake that has been made" lead me to believe that this was written about the diva's battle with depression. Interestingly the song was co-written by super songwriter for hire Linda Perry.

Stolen Moments

This is the album's iTunes bonus track. Unlike the other bonus tracks, I understand why this was left off the album. In a nutshell - it's a bit rubbish. Alicia teams up with an uncredited male vocalist (someone tell me who it is, it's driving me crazy) for a sleepy duet. It's nice enough but desperately in need of a chorus. Only for the AK faithful.

Dannii's 95 Sessions - Reviewed

If strong winds ruined your hairstyle and blew the washing off the line on Monday morning, never fear. It's not the onset of a hurricane - just music lovers around the world breathing a collective sigh of relief that Dannii's "The 95 Sessions" has finally been released. As most of you are probably aware, the Queen of Club's latest X Factor cash-in compiles material originally recorded for her third album way back in 1994-1995. Unfortunately, the album was scrapped (I blame Kylie's then waning popularity - that thoughtless bitch!) and the songs have spent the past fifteen years gathering dust. Probably in a box under Dannii's bed, next to her vibrators and lesbian porn... but I digress. I've always been hugely intrigued by the so called 'lost years' of Dannii's career and was genuinely excited about this release. So the big question is: Was it worth the wait? The answer is a resounding yes.

I hate to speak ill of Australia's greatest living talent, so I'll get a couple of criticisms out of the way first. Namely, a handful of tracks sound like rejects from "Get Into You". The faux R'n'B ballads will only appeal to Dannii's hardcore fans and the entire album sounds brutally dated. The thing is - I love "Get Into You" and of course the production is rougher than Britney's voice without autotune. After all, this shit is nearly 15 years old! Now for the good news. The majority of the album is a treasure trove of trashy 90s dance anthems. Songs like "Free Your Love", "Crazy (For Your Love)" and the original version of "Everlasting Night" are classics that deserved to be loved and cherished by fans. More importantly, "The 95 Sessions" documents Dannii's transformation from white Janet into the holy patron of gay nightclubs. It was during this period that our beloved icon began to explore club beats in earnest and first worked with long time collaborators Ian Masterson and Terry Ronald. The results are a bit patchy but the potential for pop greatness is palpable. Here is my track by track review:

Free Your Love

Of all the unreleased trash clogging up Nathan's iPod, this is the song I've been most desperate to hear. The prospect of Dannii collaborating with the Rapino Brothers had me salivating and the track took on an almost mystical status among fans after Dannii performed it along with the original "Everlasting Night" at several Pride events in the mid-90s. I'm pleased to say "Free Your Love" more than lives up to the hype. This exquisite dance anthem blends 90s house beats with Eurodance elements to stunning effect. I love Dannii's vocals and the soaring chorus is sublime. It has to be said that "Free Your Love" is better than anything the Rapino Brothers ever produced for Kylie ("Difficult By Design", "Gotta Move On" and the trashtastic "Aston Martin").

Skin Deep

I'm highly amused that the man behind @m8er's "Kill That Bitch" cut his teeth producing cheesy club anthems for Dannii. Ollie J certainly knows how to sniff out unique talent! The first of his two contributions to "The 95 Sessions" is a full blooded blast of 90s club goodness. The cheesy keyboards push all my buttons and the lyrics are typically inane dancefloor fodder. This reminds me of the early output of American divas like Kristine W and Ultra Nate. Not the best thing on the album but definitely worth checking out.

Love & Affection

Now this is cute. "Love & Affection" is a cheerful little pop tune with a catchy chorus and some of the album's crispest beats. It reminds me of an M People remix, which has to be a good thing.

Let Love Into Your Life

I feel like I'm repeating myself but "Let Love Into Your Life" is another unexpectedly accomplished dose of 90s dance music. This time around the sound is distinctly American - think Dannii meets C&C Music Factory - but it works brilliantly. The Queen of Club's unleashes one her strongest vocal performances and the backing vocalists add another layer to the song. The production is a little clumsy but this is a minor triumph.

Everlasting Night (Original Version)

"The 95 Sessions" is worth buying for the original "Everlasting Night" alone. The remake (a #42 smash hit in 1999) is a gay classic in Australia. I still remember the media furore over Dannii's lesbian kiss in the video and the song automatically evokes happy memories of Mardi Gras parties and clubbing adventures. However, as much as I love the 99 version, it pales in comparison to the original. I've had a demo of this (below) for years but hearing the song in high quality underlines its vast superority. I know the Droids will be out for blood when I say this but "Everlasting Night '95" strikes me as being very much a Kylie record. There's a vulnerability to Dannii's vocal delivery that I normally only associate with her sister. The song's melancholy/whimsical undertone - despite the perky lyrics and upbeat nature of the track - is also a Kylie trademark. I can't express how much I love this. It could have been Dannii's "Better The Devil You Know", making it almost as much of a missed opportunity as "Come & Get It".

The demo version of "Everlasting Night '95"

Crazy (For Your Love)

"Crazy (For Your Love)" is another contribution from One World (the producers behind "Everlasting Night") and it's only slightly less fabulous. I love the splashes of disco amongst all the Hi-NRG goodness and even pick up a faint hint of Stock Aitken Waterman. My only complaint is that it sounds unfinished. The verses are a little underdone and the production isn't as tight as it could be. This is a treat nonetheless.

Take My Time Loving You

You can basically copy everything I wrote about "Crazy (For Your Love)" and paste it here. Only "Take My Time Loving You" is slightly more commercial and has an ever so subtle Motown flavour. Good, solid pop.

Love In Me

I was wondering if the Queen of Club's would flaunt her sexy side on this collection and, as it turns out, she does. There's something innately fabulous about Dannii singing sultry lyrics like "Baby, take control" and "I wanna get your love in me tonight". Not exactly subtle! As much as I like sleazy Dannii, I think this is slightly disappointing - particularly given the involvement of the Rapino Brothers. The production is woefully dated and the chorus fails to fire. One of the few tracks I've been skipping.

Exclusively

Ollie J's second contribution to "The 95 Sessions" is a perky urban club jam. I think @m8er should cover "Exclusively" for her album - it's cute and holds up remarkably well. It's a bit of a throwback to "Get Into You" but if you like urban Dannii, this is very much worth checking out.

Love Will Find A Way

Another "Get Into You" type mid-tempo pop song with a smooth R'n'B sheen. I personally love this sound but I know a lot of fans hate it and the song doesn't fit particularly well with the dance anthems. The highlight is definitely the beautiful vocal. Terry Ronald really knows how to bring the best out of Dannii's heavenly pipes.

Don't Wanna Leave You Now

The poor man's "I Don't Wanna Take This Pain". The production is lush and Dannii's voice shines but "Don't Wanna Leave You Now" sounds like it should be blasting from an elevator. Dull and boring.

Coconut (Original Version)

This mess is an insult to the 98 version. Avoid at all costs!

Free Your Love (Extended Mix)

Blissful, even better than the album version. Dig out a lime green t-shirt, polish your glowsticks and dance to this jam like it's 1995.

"The Dance Sessions" was released in the UK on the 7th of December. You can order the CD from Amazon, HMV and Play.

Close Your Eyes, It's Kate Ryan!

First of all, let me apologise for burning your retinas with the... incredibly glamorous cover of Kate Ryan's latest album. The androgynous stripper stuck in an 80s time warp look isn't easy to pull off but the pride of Belgium almost manages to retain some of her dignity. Anyway, you're probably wondering why I decided to write about this trash in the first place. I'm not exactly Kate's biggest fan and her collection of French cover versions was released months ago. Well, there's a simple reason. I spent the weekend driving my French friends around Sydney and needed something appropriate to play in the car. After spending an eternity ripping Mylène Farmer and Lorie CDs, I remembered "French Connection" and thought I'd let the Belgian diva do all the work for me. Kate's relentless destruction of 80s pop classics went down a treat (every song was preceded with "c'est horrible... turn up the volume!") and I developed a whole new appreciation for one of the year's guiltiest pleasures.

"French Connection" collects the greatest French hits of the 80s and gives them a Hi-NRG overhaul for the new millennium. I'm sure fans of the original versions will be tempted to molest Kate with a stale baguette after listening to this but the majority of tracks were new to me and I loved being exposed to so many wonderful gems. A case in point is the album's biggest selling point, "Ella elle l'a". France Gall's original is actually a rather classy tribute to Ella Fitzgerald - not that you'd know it listening to Kate's trashtastic update. I love everything about this, from the cheesy Eurodance beats to the ridiculous bad CGI extravaganza doubling as a video clip. Unfortunately, the next song (another France Gall cover) isn't quite as successful. "Babacar" was released as a single in French speaking countries to promote the album but it's fucking awful and flopped just about everywhere. Kate's destruction of Mylène Farmer's iconic "Désenchantée" is also pretty fucking awful but it was a massive hit for her in 2002 and the 2009 remix deftly slides into so bad it's amazing territory. The Mylène covers keep on coming with "Libertine" (AKA the song about proudly being slut) but I actually rather like Kate's version and think it makes a nice addition to the "French Connection".

If I had to choose my favourite song on the album it would be "Évidemment" - hands down. Raping a France Gall classic for the third time in the space of five songs speaks volumes about Kate's complete lack of originality but the song is so perfect it weathers the Belgian's lacklustre vocals without so much as a dint in its beautiful armour. Make sure you also check out the fabulous 2N Remix, which transforms the ballad into a sublime slice of dance-pop. "Évidemment" (below) is the album's latest single and deserves to be a #87 smash hit in Poland. At the very least. Don't faint but the next song is actually a Kate Ryan original. "Mon cœur résiste encore" is the French language version of the diva's 2001 debut single "Scream For More". The original was cheap dance trash and it doesn't sound much better en français. Kate has considerably more success with "La Promesse", the French interpretation of her 2004 hit "The Promise You Made" (itself a cover version). I hate to say it but the 29 year old (in Lady GaGa years) should stick with ripping off other divas. For further proof check out the album's only other original - "Dans Tes Yeux", which first appeared on her 2008 album as "Your Eyes". Unfortunately, time hasn't made it any less shit.

One of the best things about "French Connection" is the exposure it gives to unknown/forgotten acts (outside France). If it wasn't for this trashy bunch of covers, I wouldn't know Jeanne Mas ever existed - let alone spent hours trawling Ebay to find more of her music. "Toute Première Fois" is an adorable 80s gem and Kate's version does the original justice. I love this and would have chosen it as a single over "Babacar" (if it hadn't already appeared on "Free"). The canny Belgian sniffs out another winner by covering Lio's lovely "Sage Comme Une Image" and ups the trash ante by revising Philippe Cataldo's camp "Les Divas Du Dancing". Someone really needs to initiate me into the magical world of French pop (circa 1985) because I think I'm hooked!

Kate briefly returns to the present by including "Caminaré", her stunning duet with Soraya. Spain's greatest living musical talent valiantly tries not to outshine her Belgian counterpart too severely but it's an impossible task for the Spanish legend. Soraya brings some much needed class, style and non-Botoxed beauty to the album, so Kate should be grateful. It was always going to be difficult to top that clash of the titans but "French Connection" fittingly ends with the diva's catchy cover of "Voyage Voyage" - a #1 hit for Desireless (the original La Roux!) in 1987. As usual, the Belgian's version falls short of the original but she deserves some credit for breathing new life into so many great songs. I used to joke that Kate was the continental Lisa Scott-Lee but after this opus I see her in a whole new light - as the Benelux September. There's nothing particularly creative or original about "French Connection" but it is hugely endearing and, all jokes aside, easily one of 2009's most enjoyable albums.

Amanda Lear - Brand New Love Affair

Less than a month ago I reviewed Amanda Lear's "Brief Encounters" album and clearly riled some fans (if the comments were any indication) by suggesting that it wasn't all that good. In retrospect, I think I was actually quite restrained - particularly when you compare it to the amazing "Brand New Love Affair". Before I get into my review, I should recap the situation for the uninitiated. Both albums were originally part of the same project but subsequently split into separate releases in Italy ("Brief Encounters") and France ("Brand New love Affair"). New tracks were then recorded especially for the latter. As it turns out, the French got the far better deal. "Brand New Love Affair" is easily Amanda's best studio album since the 1980s. It's edgy and contemporary yet completely true to the great diva's disco roots. A lot of love went into this release. There are subtle references to Ms Lear's classic hits and an attention to detail that is absent from the Italian release. Most impressively, "Brand New Love Affair" finally provides Amanda with material worthy of her talent. The three new songs (there are also a couple of covers and remixes) are absolutely stunning and rival anything in the charts. It's not a perfect album (I'll get to that later) but this mini-opus is a real treat for fans and the perfect introduction for newcomers.

"Brand New Love Affair" begins in fine style with the lead single and title track. Written and produced by T1 (Australia's Peter Wilson and Chris Richards), the song is an eccentric electro dance anthem that pays homage to the 70s classic "Follow Me" in its structure and quirky lyrics. Amanda sounds amazing on this and she was born to sing/speak lines like "I'm in the mood for pleasure and sin" in her sultry accent. The production keeps a lid on the camp during the verses before exploding into a fabulous Eurodance chorus. As much as I love "Brand New Love Affair", it is a grower and took me a few listens to get into. It's also probably my least favourite of the new tracks, which just goes to prove how good the others are. Take the next song for example. "Coming Up" is one of the best dance anthems of 2009. T1 have crafted a dark and dirty electro stomper with an insanely catchy chorus and irresistible hook. I hear traces of "Intellectually" from 1979's iconic "Never Trust A Pretty Face" album, which makes the track doubly enjoyable for old school fans. It would be absolutely criminal if this isn't released a single.

After a couple of very contemporary dance tracks, Amanda throws her trashy fans a bone in the form of Hi-NRG dance cover of "I Am What I Am". Every gay icon from Gloria Gaynor to Pia Zadora has interpreted this anthem but none have done it quite like the Queen of Chinatown. This now takes pride of place next to "Love Boat" and "No Credit Card" on my high camp Amanda Lear iTunes playlist. The low brow detour is a lot of fun but the album's real strength lies in its new material and it doesn't get much better than "C'est La Vie". This is probably the most traditional dance-pop song that Amanda has ever recorded as far as structure and lyrical content is concerned but the result stunning. The chorus is pure dynamite and T1's production lifts the track to a whole new level. I also need to give Australia's Susie Ahern a shout out. The 90s dance diva's backing vocals are amazing and give the track an unexpected depth and warmth. The next song is a new ten minute chill out dance remix of "Kiss Me, Honey, Honey, Kiss Me" (a Shirley Bassey cover) from Amanda's 2006 album "With Love". It's nice but slightly disappointing considering what comes before it. I'm not sure who produced it but the sound is also slightly dated.

Unfortunately, it's all downhill from there. I like the remixes of "C'est La Vie" and "Brand New Love Affair" but they don't improve on the originals and the final track "T1 Love Suite" turns out to be an 11 minute medley of those tracks with bits of "I Am What I Am" throw in for good measure. I believe the record company was inspired by 70s disco albums, which contained longer edits of fewer tracks but "Brand New Love Affair" feels unfinished. Two or three additional songs would have fleshed out the project and made it feel less repetitive. T1's sole contribution to "Brief Encounters" (an amazing cover of "Always On My Mind") would have fitted in perfectly here but the good thing about iTunes is the ability to mix and match your own album. Despite the anorexic tracklist, "Brand New Love Affair" is still a triumph. Unlike "Brief Encounters", it proves that Amanda can not only still cut it against today's leading dance divas but surpass them given the right material. The album is released physically in France on the 30th November but will also be available to download internationally from that date. Check out Amanda's Myspace for more details.

The Fame Monster - Review

The past couple of weeks have been pretty crazy and I haven't had a lot of time to devote to music, which is frustrating because my bedroom is littered with CDs I've been meaning to write about. I'll try to cover the majority of them in a giant round up post but "The Fame Monster" deserves more than that. Other bloggers have already written about Lady GaGa's pop triumph with more insight than I can hope to muster (see Adem's review and Will W's musings for starters) but I can't resist throwing in my two cents. "The Fame Monster" is a revelation, and while I wouldn't go as far as calling it the pop album of the decade (like Chart Rigger), it has to be in the running for the best release of 2009. Lady GaGa has given birth to that rarest of creatures - a consistent and coherent collection of electro-dance anthems that not only entertain but occasionally stretch the boundaries of popular music. As much as I loved "The Fame", its follow up/re-release (depending on who you listen to) is darker, stronger and considerably more ambitious. The filler that occasionally weighed down Lady GaGa's debut has been culled and we're left with 7 brilliant songs and one piece of shit. 7 out of 8 ain't bad! It would have been nice to get a few more songs but this is most definitely a case of quality over quantity.

Bad Romance

Strangely, I absolutely hated the album's lead single when I first heard it. "Bad Romance" initially struck me as a rather lazy re-hash of "Poker Face" - only with really annoying chanting ("rah rah rah rah") and poorly pronounced French lyrics. Since then it's grown on me like a bad case of Athlete's Foot and I can't seem to get that epic chorus out of my head. I'm still not completely taken with the verses and I think RedOne has learned some tricks from the Stargate/Timbaland school of beat recycling but this is still an impressive piece of work, made even better by its brilliant video clip.

Alejandro

Unlike "Bad Romance", it was love at first listen with "Alejandro". I love the clear influence of 90s Eurodance and the sweetness of the chorus. Lady GaGa does dark and dirty dance better than just about anyone but this is a rare example of the diva encroaching on Kylie's joyous brand of soft and pretty pop. I'm slowly losing interest in RedOne as a producer but this proves he's more than just a one trick pony. The strings and elegantly arranged synths perfectly compliment the wacky spoken interludes and cute lyrics. As much as I love lyrics about riding disco sticks and bluffin' with muffins, it actually makes a nice change to hear Lady GaGa sing a relatively straightforward love song. This would make my short list of potential singles.

Monster

When talking about the album, Lady GaGa listed Eastern European discos as an inspiration and "Monster" kind of sounds like an extremely polished Romanian Eurovision entry and I mean that as a compliment! From the corny intro to the camp chorus and sublime middle eight, this little gem is a burst of pure pop. I love the juxtaposition of Lady GaGa's gory imagery with the insanely perky melody and RedOne brings his usual sheen to the proceedings. Having said all that, "Monster" is still probably one of the album's weaker tracks - making it pretty amazing filler.

Speechless

Lady GaGa channels Freddie Mercury and the result is one of the best tracks of her budding career. "Speechless" is an absolute triumph. It not only underlines GaGa's incredible versatility but also showcases the diva's most overlooked asset. Her pipes. The ease with which she slips into 70s rock star mode is astounding and Ron Fair's organic production gives her voice an unexpected warmth. I never thought I'd be interested in a Lady GaGa ballad but this is brilliant stuff. If I had one criticism it would be that "Speechless" sounds slightly out of place next to the electro-dance tracks but I'd love her to pursue this sound in the future.

Dance In The Dark

This gets my vote as the album's equal best track along with the Beyoncé duet. "Dance In The Dark" is dance-pop perfection. Fernando Garibay effortlessly blends modern electronic elements with an orchestra of synths that sound like they were stolen from Madonna circa 1985. Fernando is really on fire at the moment. "Nothin' But Love" is perhaps the best song on Whitney's amazing comeback album and he achieved the impossible by making U2 sound slightly interesting on "I'll Go Crazy, If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight". This is the perfect sound palette for Lady GaGa's attitude filled verses and anthemic chorus. A future gay classic.

Telephone (featuring Beyoncé)

I've already devoted a post to this amazing duet, so I'll keep this brief. In a nutshell, "Telephone" is probably the best superstar duet since Barbra Streisand joined forces with Donna Summer on "No More Tears (Enough Is Enough)". The song isn't particularly deep or original but it does put a new spin on the always popular genre of female empowerment anthems and allows both parties to shine. Lady GaGa displays her usual fierce attitude, while Beyoncé almost steals the show with her best crazy woman impersonation. Only fan fatigue (the two divas have released about 216 singles between them in 2009) will stop this being massive.

So Happy I Could Die

I'm slightly disturbed by the fact that two of my favourite songs at the moment are littered with masturbation references (this and Vanessa Amorosi's "Touch Me"). I think I need to get out more. Anyway, RedOne returns with another fairly standard production straight from his Swedish conveyor belt of catchy pop tunes. What saves this from being RedOne by the numbers is Lady GaGa's quirky lyrics about doing her hair and touching herself. "So Happy I Could Die" should be a load of rubbish but there are more hooks than a tackle shop and I have a soft spot for meaningless pop songs with dirty lyrics. Not exactly single material but still pretty damn good.

Teeth

It's a shame that "The Fame Monster" closes with its only stinker. That's probably a bit harsh but the Teddy Riley produced "Teeth" is the kind of over-sampled mess that was hot about five years ago. It's unlike Lady GaGa to be so off trend so I guess she was probably trying to be ironic or revive an old sound but this is an epic fail on every level. I hate the lyrics, the non-existent melody and busy production. It's a sad day when J Lo did it first and better.

Ness Ness & The Album Of The Year

The stars have finally aligned for Ness Ness. She's driving her lesbian fanbase wild with a sexy new look, recently celebrated her first #1 hit and, most importantly, finally delivered the brilliant album she's been threatening to unleash since her debut way back in 2000. "Hazardous" really takes things to the next level. It blends the soulful elements of "Somewhere In The Real World" with a more contemporary pop sensibility (courtesy of Swedish producers MachoPsycho) to stunning effect. To be honest, it's a familiar formula. Dr Luke and Max Martin perfected the power pop/rock genre working with the likes of P!nk, Katy Perry and Kelly Clarkson but this is one of the rare examples of someone jumping on a bandwagon and accidentally finding their true calling. Kind of like when Dannii stopped pretending to be Janet Jackson in the mid 90s and went on to revolutionise popular music as we know it. Despite undeniable similarities with the aforementioned divas, "Hazardous" still sounds fresh and original - largely due to Vanessa's powerhouse vocals, endearing sense of humour and quirky lyrics. After all, this is an album that features songs about masturbation, dating drug addicts and extraterrestrials! Ness Ness takes to her new genre like a slut to cock and the result is my favourite album of 2009 (thus far). Here's my track by track review:

This Is Who I Am - 10/10

I think I've already written enough about the album's cracking lead single. Several hundred listens on and I still not sick of it. Just remember to close your eyes and pretend the hideous video is bad dream. Vanessa's recent #1 hit is a definite contender for my single of the year.

Mr Mysterious - 8/10

Just between you and me, I think MachoPsycho stole the bassline and crunchy guitars from P!nk but I'm willing to turn a blind eye given the overall quality of their production. I love the vocal layering and subtle hooks, not to mention the electronic flourishes and catchy "woah woahs". This is the perfect sound palette for Vanessa's effortless rock chick twang and she vamps it up for all she's worth. My only criticism is Seany B's (best known for TV ROCK's "Flaunt It") pointless rap. It's desperate and more than a little embarrassing.

Holiday - 8/10

Now, this is an unexpectedly camp delight. Vanessa's Swedish producers show their versatility by concocting a breezy summer party jam. The track automatically makes me think of Dannii sunning her baps in Ibiza but knowing Ness Ness it's probably about spending a weekend at the Coffs Harbour Motor Inn. Anyway, "Holiday" is perfect radio fodder for the warmer months and I get tingles in unexpected places when Vanessa moans "we all have needs". High quality filler.

Hazardous - 10/10

The album's first non-MachoPsycho produced unexpectedly turns out to be one of the highlights. "Hazardous" closely follows the Max Martin/Dr Luke recipe of synth driven pop/rock with a guitar heavy chorus and electro-tinged verses. It's been done before but why fuck with a winning formula? What makes this considerably better than many of the songs it's so clearly modelled on is the strength of the songwriting and Vanessa's amazing vocal delivery. Moving from soft and wistful in the verses to smoky and explosive in the chorus - "Hazardous" showcases one of the best voices in music.

Off On My Kiss - 7/10

Ness gets a bit sexy on this one but it's perhaps the album's least appealing moment. The song has an insistent beat and the chorus is cute but "Off On My Kiss" suffers from over-production. Making Vanessa sound computer generated should constitute some kind of crime but it's hard to be annoyed when you're happily humming along with inane lyrics like "I'll get you off on my kiss".

Show Me How To Love - 7/10

If I have one major criticism of "Hazardous" it would be that the second half is considerably stronger than the first. The first time I heard the album I was starting to lose a bit of enthusiasm at this point. Fans of "Somewhere In The Real World" will devour "Show Me How To Love" but I could do without the flashback. Co-written with frequent collaborator Pam Reswick, the track re-visits the soulful ground covered on Vanessa's last album. It's nice to hear a ballad that Ness can get her teeth stuck into after so many uptempo tracks but this is no "Perfect". Pleasant but slightly boring.

Aliens And UFOs - 8/10

Vanessa's ode to the supernatural gives me the giggles. Poor Ness has clearly spent too many nights smoking pot and watching X Files but, really, who hasn't? I like the song's slightly rockier feel and MachoPsycho add their usual polish to the production. The highlight for me is the catchy chorus, with the quirky spoken interlude about Vanessa's super powers coming a close second. This is basically a hot mess but I love that Ness has mixed it up and tried new things. MachoPsycho have really helped absolutely everybody's favourite diva express her more eccentric side.

Summer Nights - 9/10

When I saw "Summer Nights" on the tracklist I secretly hoped it was an Olivia Newton-John cover because I'm really that sad. As it turns out, it's not but Vanessa's nostalgic tour de force is almost as good. I love the breezy mid-tempo production and the naive lyrics, which cover everything from sleepless summer nights to politically incorrect lollies. Speaking of the latter, I still remember buying those chocolate cigarettes from our school canteen! There's just something sweet and quintessentially Australian about this track. "Summer Nights" doesn't scream hit but it's a little gem all the same.

Touch Me - 10/10

This is the dirtiest Australian pop song since Dannii explored the weird and wonderful world of sitting on speakers (*cough*) on "Vibe On"! Needless to say, "Touch Me" is all kinds of fabulous. What did those dodgy Swedes slip our Ness before she sat down to write stunning lyrics about masturbation and getting horny "from the vibrations off the floor"? I demand an inquest. Poetic lyrics aside, "Touch Me" also boasts the kind of slinky beats and throbbing baseline usually only associated with urban pop stars. In fact, this masterpiece reminds me of the filth Prince used to write for Sheena Easton in the 80s. Put "Touch Me" in your sexy times playlist between "Sugar Walls" and La Toya's "Sexual Feeling". I dare Universal to release this as a single.

Baby's On Ice - 10/10

From masturbation to hard drugs, Vanessa is clearly on a roll. The first time I heard this I thought it was just another cheerful love song until I started paying a bit more attention to the lyrics. Lines like "he always comes back with his lips all chewed and cracked" and "if the sun don't shine that day that's even more reason to get hazed" are fairly subtle but Ness makes it clear she's singing about the joys of romancing a junkie with "he's not a bad person, he's just a little messed up". Songs about drugs aren't exactly rare but I can't remember one this chirpy. My favourite part is when the backing singers merrily break into "he's on ice, ice baby"! Wonderfully tasteless and politically incorrect.

Sleep With That - 7/10

You can basically copy and paste everything I wrote about "Off On My Kiss" for this song. It's a fairly appealing fuck you to a cheating boyfriend but the production is overbearing and Vanessa appears to have forgotten to write a chorus. "Sleep With That" isn't bad by any means, it just suffers by comparison with the rest of the album.

Higher Ground - 9/10

Pam Reswick makes a second appearance on the album but unlike "Show Me How To Love", this doesn't sound like a reject from "Somewhere In The Real World". While not reaching the glorious heights of "Shine" or "Perfect", "Higher Ground" still ranks as one of Vanessa's finest ballads and I wouldn't be surprised if it's a (very safe) single somewhere down the track. The song is beautifully constructed and Ness sounds amazing on it. She really lets loose and shows off her full range. "Higher Ground" is a reminder that while Vanessa can take P!nk and Katy Perry on at their own game, neither of them could pull off something like this.

Blow Me Away - 10/10

Co-written by Steve Diamond and Matthew Gerrard (Dulta's "Lost Without You" and Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway"), "Blow Me Away" is another perfectly crafted power pop anthem. Crunchy guitars blend effortlessly with pounding beats and the odd synth to produce one of the album's standout tracks. I'm a sucker for a catchy chorus and this baby is utterly ruthless. One listen and you're hooked. "Blow Me Away" has hit written all over it but I'd still prefer Universal to go with the title track or "Touch Me" (if they're feeling ballsy) next. The second half of "Hazardous" really is quite outstanding.

Snitch - 7.5/10

What a bizarre way to close the album. This languid jam has a soulful edge that wouldn't sound out of place on "Somewhere In The Real World" but the playful lyrics and experimental production are right at home on "Hazardous". I didn't know what to make of this the first time I heard it - particularly Vince Colosimo's bizarre contribution - but it's strangely catchy and a total grower. "Snitch" is also another example of the winning eccentricity that permeates the album, which is part of what makes it so special.