Lost In Spain

I've escaped London for a few days of Spanish fabulousness. Posts will resume soon with a recap of my trashy adventures - if I can bring myself to leave this gorgeous country!

PS. Thanks for all the e-mails and texts updating me on "X Factor". I'm glad to see buxom Ruth make it through another week with her stunning rendition of "Enough Is Enough" (above). This sexy señorita's magnificent rack is Spain's greatest export since paella!

Pray For Pablo

I've always suspected that there was something not quite right about Cheryl Cole. It's almost impossible to fathom how someone so spectacularly void of talent and charisma could become a star - let alone be deemed fit to judge the X Factor alongside pop royalty like Dannii Minogue! I can only think of one plausible explanation. Cheryl is obviously a demon sent from the fiery realms of hell to strip heavenly Dannii of her X Factor spotlight and her #1 Spanish fan. This may sound slightly outlandish but consider the irrefutable evidence:

1. Cheryl's hair gets higher every week. A clever ploy to cover her horns.

2. Dannii's former #1 Spanish fan, Pablo of Peibols fame, recently had the nerve to suggest that Cheryl was the best X Factor judge and even began spamming my inbox with scantily clad images of the Girls Aloud hussy. The world hasn't witnessed this kind of demonic possession since Linda Blair's head started spinning in "The Exorcist". At this rate it's only a matter of time before Pablo projectile vomits pea soup and pleasures himself with a crucifix!

3. The latest Girls Aloud shitfest is called "The Promise" - a blatant reference to Cheryl's pact with Satan. I rest my case.

Now that Cheryl's true identity has been unveiled, I have faith that Dannii can thwart her evil plans by putting holy water in her douche or painting over the pentagram in her dressing room. Speaking of evil forces, Saturday's episode of the X Factor was utterly diabolical. Dannii looked like she had been attacked by a straightening iron, Cheryl displayed the full extent of her mediocrity by singing completely out of tune and the contestants were all rubbish. Even lovely Ruth Lorenzo managed to disappoint, although she redeemed herself with a fabulous rendition of "Purple Rain" after finishing in the bottom two. I'll never bitch about Australian Idol ever again!

Ruth shows the other bitches how it's done

The Dannii Factor!

Let me just get this out of the way. Dannii completely wiped the floor with that cunt from Girls Aloud on X Factor! I've been mortified by the Queen of Clubs' lack of air time during the auditions but stunning Holidannii OWNED the show tonight. No wonder 62% of viewers name her as their favourite judge! From the moment she appeared on stage wearing a blue chiffon monstrosity that would shame most drag queens, it was clear that Dannii wanted all eyes on her. And who could possibly resist? When she wasn't taking the piss out of Louis, she was brawling with Simon or making subtle jabs about Cheryl's song selection. That's not to mention her stunning dance moves during Rachel's dubious cover of "With Every Heartbeat" and her constant flirting with every male contestant, including 16 year old Eoghan! In the space of one show, Dannii reclaimed her throne as the queen of X Factor - well and truly kicking dull as dishwater Cheryl to the curb. By the end of the show I almost felt sorry for her. I can only imagine how intimidating Dannii's ravishing beauty and hypnotic charisma would be in person.

Despite owning the judging panel, I don't like Holidannii's chances of winning the competition this year. Daniel is nice but has a rubbish voice, Rachel has a brilliant set of pipes but she's clearly a nutter (and still on crack), while voluptuous Ruth is perhaps a little bit too fabulous for the show. Her sensual Spanglish ballads, pendulous baps, dramatic hand gestures and excessive use of the wind machine make her my favourite contestant - by far - but I doubt the UK is ready for a sexy Spanish diva to win X Factor. I'm not a huge fan of any of the groups and the boys are all vile. My money is on one of the girls taking home the prize. I hate to think how many producers desperate Cheryl had to blow in order to become their mentor! Anyway, her pathetic attempt to steal Dannii's glory will end in tears. Only one judge has the X Factor and her name rhymes with fanny. I hope poor Cheryl remembers to wear a jacket next week. It's going to get pretty cold there in Dannii's shadow!