An Open Letter To Soraya

Dear Soraya,

You don't know me but I'm your biggest (and possibly only) Australian fan. Your latest album is a veritable pop masterpiece and I still listen to your fabulous 80s covers all the time. I'm completely smitten by your grace, glamour and talent. To paraphrase Shakira, for you I'd move to a communist country (well, maybe Spain) and learn about football (although something like scrapbooking would be more up my alley).

My love for you runs deep. Last year I followed your stunning acoustic tour of radio stations around Spain, staying in glamorous metropoles like Lerida and Albacete along the way. Unfortunately, every show was sold out - which could have had something to do with the tickets being given away free. Not that it matters. I was satisfied to simply be in the same city as Spain's greatest living vocalist.

Needless to say, your selection for Eurovision brought me a lot of joy. Finally you had a chance to shine on the world stage and possibly launch an international career. If vile trolls like Agnes Carlsson and Annie can have "hits" outside their homeland, why not a stunning beauty like yourself? "La Noche Es Para Mi" is probably the weakest track on your amazing album but it's still light years ahead of the usual Eurovision fare and should have won in a landslide.

I watched what I assumed would be your triumphant performance with great pride. My delicate Spanish rose had blossomed into an international pop sensation right before my very eyes. You took to the stage with the grace of an angel, wearing a gorgeous outfit that highlighted your stunning curves. And then your magical voice wafted around the stadium like a fart squeezed from the arsehole of Jesus. It was blissful. Admittedly, your dancers appeared to be recent graduates from the Community College of Móstoles but, as a true saint, you're always looking to help the needy. Your moment of Eurovision glory seemed a mere formality. I even had a bottle of champagne (well, $5 sparkling wine) on ice to celebrate your victory! But then the votes rolled in and you came second last.

Soraya, my darling, please don't feel like a complete and utter failure even if you are one. Eurovision is an unflushed toilet, so it only makes sense that the biggest pile of crap (ie. Norway's entry) should float to the top of the bowl. In retrospect, you were too sexy for Eurovision. Men from Iceland to Azerbaijan were busy doing something else with their right hand during your performance, which explains their inability to pick up the phone and vote. Take heart in the fact that many an international superstar has tasted defeat on the Eurovision stage. Olivia Newton-John only claimed the 4th spot, Anna Vissi came 9th and Nicki French finished in 16th place. Almost as bad as you. And look at all the amazing success she's had since!

Now that the competition is little more than a bad memory, hurry up and release "Para Ti" or "No Siento"!

Love & Kisses,

Mike

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Soraya - Robbed At Eurovision!