The Holly Van

After taking a 6 year hiatus to pursue acting, which included playing a corpse on CSI and a Russian stripper on Prison Break, Holly Valance is busily planning her return to the music scene. The former Neighbours star recently revealed that she's working on songs with Frankmusik for her third album and I couldn't be any more excited. Holly always stood out from the other pop zombies. For better or worse, usually the latter, she spoke her mind and refused to play by the rules. This is a woman who basically killed her own career by calling the British public "bitter and twisted" (during a UK promotional tour no less!) and was told off by a Judge for excessive publicity whoring. The amusing list of anecdotes goes on but there's one I can't help but mention - the tragic case of the Holly Van!

Whenever I think about Holly, my mind instantly races to a Christina Aguilera concert in December 2003. It was Christina's first visit to Australia and a huge crowd was starting to build outside the Entertainment Centre. Just as we were getting ready to go inside, someone started playing "State Of Mind" at near deafening volume. I half expected to find a demented fan with a boombox but was surprised to discover the music coming from a van covered in Holly Valance posters, which had just pulled up outside the venue. Using a vehicle to promote an artist is hardly out of the ordinary (Flo Rida's record company recently hired a tank to drive around Sydney blasting songs from his latest album) but actually crashing another diva's concert has to be a first! Naturally, I was drawn to the Holly Van like a rat to the Pied Piper and struck up a conversation with one of the promoters who was trying to give away merchandise to disinterested Christina fans. I think I got a couple of posters but the most fabulous gift was a model replica of the van itself - pictured above on my computer. It remains one of my favourite pieces of music memorabilia, perfectly summing up the sad desperation of Holly Valance circa 2003.

The depressing thing is that Holly really had no reason to be sad or desperate. I personally thought her debut album was a hideous trainwreck but I've been singing the praises of "State Of Mind" to anyone who will listen for years. In my opinion, it's one of the great pop albums of the noughties, right up there with "Neon Nights" and "Fever". "State Of Mind" was also a hugely influential album, not that anyone will admit it. Holly was the first commercial pop star to mix electro into her pop - years before Lady GaGa and Robyn got around to it. In fact, it's quite startling how fresh the album still sounds. The magnificent lead single wouldn't be out of place on radio today, while the stunning video (below) is still a million times hotter than anything Britney has ever come up with. That Ramones singlet is THE SEX!

The rest of "State Of Mind" is just as impressive. Jeff and Mark Taylor (Metro) contribute the dark and brooding "Desire", which was originally slated as the second single before the project was scrapped. Kylie's favourite collaborator, Steve Anderson, delivers the goods on "Hypnotic" and "Curious" but really strikes gold on the incredibly fierce "Roll Over". I'm not surprised that Holly has a writing credit on the track. It's got her mouthy attitude stamped all over it. Chris and Drew Peters (Electric Six) are the biggest surprise. I can't believe these guys haven't been snapped up by every pop tart on the block. They contribute the sublime "Everything I Hate" and fiery "Tongue Tied" as well as my favourite song on the entire album - the gorgeous "Ricochets", which displays a softness and subtlety that I would have thought beyond Holly.

With any luck, "State Of Mind" will be re-visited and re-evaluated by pop fans if her comeback is a success. I just hope the Holly Van stays locked in the garage!

Toni Pearen's Pop Legacy

Toni Pearen is often rudely but accurately described as the poor man's Melissa Tkautz - who in turn is the homeless man’s Dannii! Both Melissa and Toni first came to public attention as stars on the sadly missed Australian soap opera “E Street” and both embarked on fabulous pop careers in the early 90s. Toni isn’t quite in Melissa’s league of trashtastic fabulousness, mostly due to her incredibly dull image. I'll take an anorexic, plastic surgery addict over the wholesome girl next-door any day! However, Toni’s pop legacy is still rather stunning and definitely worthy of appreciation.

After Melissa unexpectedly reached number 1 with the divine “Read My Lips”, it was only a matter of time before the show’s other teenage star followed suit. Toni was quickly snapped up by Mushroom Records and released her debut single, “In Your Room”, in 1992. “In Your Room” is one of the sweetest bursts of Australian bubblegum pop to be released in the 90s. Instantly catchy and undeniably cute, the song was a deserved top ten hit and eventually went gold. With the release of her second single, the equally excellent “I Want You”, Toni appeared to be a legitimate rival to the Minogues and Melissa. “I Want You” still holds up as a gorgeous slice of mid-tempo pop. It's almost too high quality for a trashy soap star turned pop diva. “I Want You” peaked at #10 in 1993 and became Toni’s second and last gold single.

The failure of Toni’s subsequent releases is probably explained by the fact that they were quite shit and released almost a year after her two top 10 hits. Toni spent most of 1993 recording her debut album “Intimate”, which was eventually released in 1994. “Intimate” is a surprisingly good pop album, which is only marred by a handful of plodding tracks aimed at the American market. The album was launched with Toni’s third single, “Walkaway Lover”. Unfortunately, the song limped to #35 and “Intimate” could only manage #56 on the album chart. “Walkaway Lover” is a cover of an old Sonia track and probably the closest that Toni ever came to tacky Euro-pop. I like “Walkaway Lover” but it poorly represents the polished American sound of “Intimate” and basically killed the album. The funky title track would have been a much better choice to launch the album or perhaps the camp “Looking At You”. A further single, “Joy”, was released in 1995 but Toni’s time had passed and the song could only manage #71 despite being a rather lovely pop anthem.

Toni returned to television in 1994 with a brief stint on “Home & Away” and even managed to star in a couple of films, most notably the classy “All Men Are Liars” in which Toni memorably fell in love with a drag queen. Toni left Australia in 1995 to pursue music and acting opportunities in the US and somehow managed to score a deal with Chrysalis Records. Despite staying in Los Angeles until 2003, Toni never managed to score a role or release a solitary song. The most fabulous part of Toni’s American exile was her column in Woman's Day, which reported on her "glamorous Hollywood lifestyle" with fellow no-hoper Kym Wilson. Toni finally came to her senses (unlike Kym who now works in a Los Angeles clothing store) and returned to Australia to host "Australia's Funniest Home Videos" in 2003. Since her return, Toni has hinted at reviving her music career and has performed at Carols By Candlelight and made an appearance on “ABBA Mania”. Toni's tens of fans wait with baited breath for her next pop masterpiece!

Sadly, Toni's stunning album is not available on iTunes. It does, however, turn up frequently on Australian Ebay.

Australian Pop Queens - Melissa Tkautz & Toni Pearen

Stephanie Mcintosh - Princess Fiona Returns

Am I the only one who thinks Stephanie Mcintosh looks like Princess Fiona from "Shrek" - after she's been turned into an ogre? It's not Stephanie's fault that she looks like Kim Clijsters' twin sister but she is to blame for churning out yet another generic pop-rock single. It appears that the Australian public is also tiring of the poor man's Hilary Duff, if the moderate chart placing of "So Do I Say Sorry First?" is any indication. Unlike her previous releases, this single barely scraped into the top 40. Despite the generally shit nature of "So Do I Say Sorry First?", the single is still worth purchasing for a couple of excellent remixes (the bonus poster of Princess Fiona should also appeal to masochists). I wish Stephanie would concentrate on a more traditional pop sound, all of her singles have sounded far better after being remixed. I've uploaded the Steve Mac Electrik Disko Mix, which takes a while to get going but is definitely worth the wait.

Help Stephanie afford plastic surgery by purchasing her single from Sanity or Chaos.