Pop Panel - Week 12

I've been doing the Pop Panel for the past 3 months and I really should be used to the occasional dud song winning but it still annoys me when a big stinking poo pollutes my lovely blog! I guess this week's winner isn't quite that bad but there is a fine line between drawing influence from the 80s and ruthlessly ripping off the pop stars of yesteryear. If music fans keep encouraging this sort of behaviour it's only a matter of time before some shaggy haired dude tries to channel Michael Bolton. You've been warned! Anyway, now that I've finished ranting, I really should introduce the judges responsible for this harrowing decision. Today's Panel consists of:

D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog.
Pablo (Spain) writer of Peibols
Paul (UK) writer of Fizzy Pop
The Prophet (AUS) writer of The Prophet

In addition to the usual hos, I've roped in the services of these two hot bitches:

Nasty G (Canada) writer of The Isle Of Deserted Pop Stars
Tommie (Sweden) writer of Donna Martin Graduates

I'm really excited to have these guys on board. "Isle" has to be one of my all time favourite blogs and my preferred hunting grounds for fabulous pop trash, while Tommie's new blog is on fire. I'm still reeling from his amazing Leila K extravaganza and the introduction to Norell, Oson & Bard rocked my world.

As usual the songs are listed from least to most popular.

Tinchy Stryder feat Amelle Berrabah - Never Leave You (Video)

Everyone's favourite Sugababe teams up with rising hip hop star Tinchy.

D'Luv: Didn't T.I. and Rihanna already do this song? And that hair? 0/5
Mike: Tinchy has to be the world's worst rapper since Mr President. Seriously, Peter Andre has more urban credibility. Teaming up with Amelle is a smart move but even that crazy bitch can't turn this turd into a diamond. 1/5
Nasty G: What? Another Taio Cruz track?! Oh no, it's apparently the scrawny midget rapper version of him. Bleh. But, though I initially resisted her, Amelle has become my fave non-Siobhan Sugababe, even if she’s playing the poor man’s Rihanna here. Pity that they had to spend the majority of the budget on her pay cheque and not the song itself. 2/5
Pablo: Well... the concept of "everyone's" is not that true. My favourite is Heidi, for sure. Amelle, as usual, is being so bitchy. Which I like. The song is acceptable for her first "almost solo" track so, it's ok for me. 4/5
Paul: It's Tinchy. And the fifth sugababe! What more could a person want? It's a bit in your face packed with attitude and that rather memorable and "fierce" chorus. What more could a person say? 4/5
The Prophet: Mutya would've done a way better job but I still love this. It's been on heavy rotation ever since it leaked for me. Whoa whoa I will never leave you! 4.5/5
Tommie: The most vile and unreal Sugashit teams up with this Flinchy guy and the results are WHORErendous! I would rather cut my ears off than ever listen to this tripe again! 0/5
Total: 15.5/35

Taio Cruz – Break Your Heart (Video)

Britain's urban pop sensation unleashes his latest track.

D'Luv: Uninventive chorus and the fact that it sounds like Akon aside, this is what a summer pop jam should sound like! I'll probably play this at least two times before deleting! 4/5
Mike: I've been a fan of Taio's catchy urban dance schtick since the brilliant "Come On Girl". I guess it doesn't hurt that he's ten kinds of sexy and films his videos on my favourite holiday island. This isn't his finest moment but I still wholeheartedly approve. 4/5
Nasty G: Sweet Jesus, how many songs is Ne-Yo going to release off of his latest album? What's that, it's not him? Well then, how many songs is Akon going… Oh, it's not him either? Who the hell is it then and why should I care? That's right - I don't. NEXT! 2/5
Pablo: Urban music is almost as boring as ballads. Really, I don't get it. And this video is so Ibiza style... Please! Aren't there any other islands in Spain? 0/5
Paul: The thing I like about Taio is that no matter how his songs turn out (ie which genre they are trying to appeal to) they end up being the rather good type of pop tune that Chris Brown used to make before he got all fisty. This is a sleek urban jam with pop sensibilities and it's proper good. 3.5/5
The Prophet: This alright I guess but I'm sick to death of urban artists doing dance music. Yes I know he has already done lots of dance tracks before but his R&B songs are so much better. This sounds like everything else on the radio at the moment. 1.5/5
Tommie: This is either RedOne by-the-numbers or someone trying to do RedOne by-the-numbers. It's decent enough considering it's Taio Cruz, but I wish it was more creative. 2.5/5
Total: 17.5/35

Little Boots – Remedy (Video)

Little Boots follows up her last flop with "Remedy".

D'Luv: I'm torn between thinking this song is a bit lazy with the verses—it's annoying when artists sing the same melody as the instrumentation—and quite fantastic, once it finally gets to the chorus. There's also something very ABBA-esque about said chorus. I dunno. 3/5
Mike: The sad thing about this pathetic excuse for a Kylie B-side is that it's probably the best thing on the boring cunt's sorry excuse for an album. It's enough to make you miss Ratshit STDvens! Well, almost. 0/5
Nasty G: Now we know what would have become of Dannii if she had kept her original nose. But I confess, I have a soft spot for this puss in Boots, however redundant she may seem. All of my gays are eating her shit up like it was their last meal, so who am I to resist? 3.5/5
Pablo: It's not only that I like the song. It's all it means to me. Riding in Parker's car totally screaming this song like crazy queers, reminds me of great moments in Elche. Also, a great video (copycat of "Slow", of course). 5/5
Paul: I'm not entirely sure why LB isn't more massive than she is but I'm very eager for this single to change that. It's lyrically a spiritual companion to the lovely "Heartbreak Make Me A Dancer" and equally as funky. Perhaps this should have been the first single but what's done is done. If you pass this by on prejudice then it's utterly your loss. 5/5
The Prophet: So this is Little Boots, is it? The girl everyone's been talking about? What a disappointment, she's so boring. 1/5
Tommie: I guess this qualifies as 'alright', but there's no energy to this one, is there? And the poor woman looks dead in some shots, Christ. I don't have the same kind of haterade against the girl like some people have, but her image needs serious re-tooling because the 'British Lady GaGa' thing is not working out for her! 2/5
Total: 19.5/35

BoA – Energetic (Video)

The Korean superstar's 3rd US single.

D'Luv: I liked the BoA song from last week better. He just sounds like a robot here. 2/5
Mike: I also prefer the sublime sleaziness of "Eat You Up" but this is still another cracking dance tune from Korea's second sexiest woman (Mina still holds that title). It's interesting that the lowest votes come from the oldest gays. Just saying! 4.5/5
Nasty G: At last, an Asian singer whose English voice I can actually enjoy and not just pretend to in order to honour the gay code which states that I must champion every international pop-tart underdog (sorry Utada, but I can finally say it - you suck!). Seriously, this is perhaps the best song off Britney’s album. It's a shame, though, that her failure so far in the US has resulted in her having to use Paula Abdul's abandoned dance routine and video set for "I’m Just Here For The Music". 4.5/5
Pablo: Oh, how interesting, another Asian girl. Aha, I see. And using a vocoder! How original! 0/5
Paul: Honestly, I went into this tune with an open mind expecting to perhaps be wowed. It's actually quite appalling. It's like a really weak Britney demo remixed by someone who wishes they were as successful as Cascada. Yes it's that bad. I can barely listen, my ears are bleeding. 0/5
The Prophet: This is one of the only good songs from her album. The majority of her other songs sound soulless and robotic, but that actually works in Energetic's favour. 4.5/5
Tommie: The Best of Asia does it again! "Energetic" is an amazing dancefloor filler that's set to burn up many select gay clubs across America! 4.5/5
Total: 20/35

Erika Jayne – Give You Everything (Above)

American dance diva unleashes her latest floorfiller.

D'Luv: Am I naive to still be shocked at how many of these dance broads are knocking off Lady GaGa's look? Oh, right—just comment on the music, D'luvvy. It's an OK track. I dunno. Can I go back to talking about her sunglasses? No? Sigh. 2/5
Mike: I feel sorry for Erika. She was ripping off Kylie and Lady GaGa well before Little Boots stole her act. This is typically catchy material from America's underground Queen of dance. 4/5
Nasty G: When I first discovered this timeworn tranny’s song "Rollercoaster", I had a new fave diva. Her whispery white raps had me at "Eat it up". Then she released another song in which she actually attempted to sing, over a beat that even Kylie must have rejected in her Deconstruction days. This one's a little better (though I prefer the original version and its video, which gives us more half-naked man-flesh and less creaky coochie). 3/5
Pablo: No, seriously, isn't this blonde the one from Cascada? Nonono, from September?
Nonononono, from Infernal? They all look and sound the same to me. At least, this one has bigger boobs! The song is danceable and catchy. Enough for a single in summer. 3.5/5
Paul: Poor Erika may have suffered from being listened to last after a number of dance songs that I really liked this week. After those, this sounds a bit generic though of course Moto Blanco can be relied on to add a bit of spice to an otherwise slightly dull number. 2.5/5
The Prophet: I have no idea why but there's something about this that makes me want to give it a high rating. This is dreadful but I cannot resist... 4/5
Tommie: Oh no! D'luv's drunken aunt just dressed up as Lady GaGa! Fabulous. 4/5
Total: 23/35

Ricki-Lee – Don't Miss You (Video)

Australian Idol alumni-come-host releases the lead single from her latest album.

D'Luv: Great. Another dumpy tramp knocking off Rachel Stevens. Wait, did she just say, "You can kiss my behind"? Sold! 4/5
Mike: As a complete Ricki-Lee stan (ie. stalker fan), I would have probably given this 4/5 for old time's sake even without listening to it but I'm very pleased to say that this is a stunning return to form after the shiteous "Wiggle It". And I will seriously cut the next bitch that disses Ricki-Lee's bootylicious body! 5/5
Nasty G: It's great to see the trampy untalented one from Liberty X has put on 50 pounds and embarked on a solo career. Only in the UK could a fat slag have a semi-successful recording career (well, the US does have Kelly Clarkson, I suppose…). Oops, I see this is an ex-Young Diva and that she's Australian. Well, same diff. And I’m happy to hear that Cher has dusted off her auto-tune to do back-up vocals. Of course I love it (as per the gay code mentioned above). 3.5/5
Pablo: I love this song! The girl is a S Club 7 girl + one Atomic Kitten + another singer mixed up. I like it. At least she is not that skinny as other pop stars. Usually I don't like songs where you can listen to different cities. It's quite obvious. But in her case, it's forgiveable. 4.75/5
Paul: Oh god. A motorbike in the video. How avant garde. Almost as avant garde as the song, where Rickie tries to be daring by saying piss you off and kiss me behind. How shocking. Shame really that she seems to be trying harder than a gaga in a muppet suit, cos the chorus is quite good, let down by middling verses. 3/5
The Prophet: Oh wow what a shock Ricki-Lee has put dance influences in her music. Yawn. This is like a Z-grade Rihanna. I'm disappointed because I really like Ricki and I own her first two albums, though I've never played them before! 2/5
Tommie: She moves her neck around a lot, doesn't she? Anyway, nice to see someone representing the plus-sized pop tart; this'll be my Valentines Day-anthem for sure! 4/5
Total: 26.25/35

Centerfold – Take Me (Video)

Dutch girlband's sleazy new anthem.

D'Luv: Geez, I guess we just don't give Dana International enough credit for opening the market up for transgendered pop "stars." 3/5
Mike: Oh no they didn't! This fabulous trash is offensive on just about level, which is probably the reason why I've been watching it on repeat all week. The video is like nasty Europorn - I keep waiting for Rocco Siffredi to appear. Wrong, yet somehow so right! 5/5
Nasty G: I recently vacayed in the Red Light District, and like any warm-blooded male passing by the ladies on display, the first thing I thought was "Wouldn’t it be awesome to make a pop group out of only the finest whores and film their video in the brothel itself?" And here we are! And a Youtube search reveals an 80's incarnation that will keep me in Gaytube heaven for months. It's electrowhore pop. What's not to love? 4/5
Pablo: The video is disturbing. Sometimes I thought it was the beginning of a porn movie. But with ugly girls. Are they girls? Even the guys in the video are ugly. I don't like this song. 1/5
Paul: Don't think anyone will judge me if I say i would let the skinhead guy in this vid manhandle me, tie me up and throw me blindfolded into his car. But the song! It's quite catchy, with a few remixes I can see this being quite big in the UK. Pity their voices are as thin as paper, but that's never stopped anyone before. 3.5/5
The Prophet: This is absolutely, positively, outrageous! 5/5
Tommie: So let's see if I get the plot of this video - they are three bondage sluts who happen to get kidnapped by this creepy rich guy but they all enjoy it, so it doesn't matter anyway? Genius! Win! 5/5
Total: 26.5/35

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Preston – Dressed To Kill (Below)

Ex-Ordinary Boys singer's debut solo single.

D'Luv: Sounds like all of Duran Duran took turns ass-boinking Preston over a trash bin. Love it! 4/5
Mike: This boring waste of space has spent way too much time googling Simon Le Bon. However, there are worse acts to rip off. I guess. 2/5
Nasty G: Oh my, I'm yours for the biting, Count Morrissey. How could this tight little treasure ever be in a group called Ordinary Boys? Try extraordinary, yummm… Oh wait, there is an actual song here too? Well, it seems that Rockwell has kindly lent the boy his "Somebody’s Watching Me" keyboard riff. And really, the song could be absolute tripe and he'd still get top points from me. 5/5
Pablo: Great! At least one singer with his chest not waxed!! It's quite 80s, the song, the sound and the video. 4/5
Paul: Hurrah! I adore this tune. I loved Preston in Ordinary Boys. I loved Preston in Celeb BB Car Crash TV. I loved Preston the tabloid bait. And now I love vampire 80s Preston. This is a glorious tune, well sung, very catchy and so much more entertaining than a lot of the 80s inspired guff out there right now. Preston knows the pop game well and by golly he's gonna play it. 5/5
The Prophet: Wasn't this guy on Big Brother? I really like the song but the video is so pretentious, and seeing it has tainted the way I feel about the music. 3.5/5
Tommie: I've never heard of 'Ordinary Boys' before, but I get the feeling that I'd probably hate them, so this is most likely surprisingly good! I'm curious to what he'll come up with next. 3.5/5
Total: 27/35