Pop Panel - Week 13

Sorry that I'm so late with this week's Pop Panel. I intended to post it on Sunday but my computer crashed and I had to go to hospital on Monday. Anyway, I'm back home now and can re-focus on more fabulous things like trashy girlbands and perhaps the most heinous cover version of all time. I have to admit that I'm a bit disappointed with this week's outcome. I like the winner but the 4th and 5th place getter's are more my cup of vodka. What's the world coming to when a D-List Dutch diva with a song about acting like a bitch when she's pissed (accompanied by a stunning video clip that looks like it has been filmed on a mobile phone - no less!) isn't getting perfect scores on Pop Trash Addicts? I'm outraged! Helping determine this week's dubious winner are:

D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog.
Paul (UK) writer of Fizzy Pop
Rob (UK) writer of Don't Stop The Pop
The Prophet (AUS) writer of The Prophet

Pablo is taking a break to enjoy some Spanish cock, so I've roped in the services of these hot bitches:

Diva Incarnate (Scotland) writer of Diva Incarnate
Jamie (UK) writer of Tat Parade
Tony (Spain) writer of Tornado

I'm really excited to have these high brow music critics on board. The Diva's ability to blog under the influence of (what I assume to be) hard drugs continues to stun and amaze me, while Jamie and Tony are close personal friends. Jamie is probably best known for founding the Church of La Toya but his blog is a hugely underrated delight. The toytastic banner is in his honour. Tony, on the other hand, is a notorious Spanish blogger, exhibitionist and DJ - and played host to me while I was in Madrid. How I miss Casa Tornado!

Here are the results ranked as usual from lowest to highest.

Village Boys – Better The Devil You Know (Video)

Germany's gay boyband interpret Kylie's signature tune.

Diva Incarnate: "I can't ask for more, I'll cum if u shud call" is probably a line from one of their gaydar profiles. Is the black gay miming to a Millie Jackson ghost vocal? It's too feminine to say. 0/5
D'Luv: Big Fun really aren't aging too well, are they? 0.5/5
Jamie: Where did this tragic bunch of tuneless over the hill queens come from? The backing track is pure Klone Records, and the vocals, sweet Jesus, did they record them on the dancefloor of some lowdown leather club! Whoever funded this was obviously high. Hopefully someone from Al kylieda will make a mash up of this with Kylie's vocals. Now that would be something special, this however is beyond the pale. 1/5
Mike: I started this blog to worship trash like The Village Boys but these gays break my one and only rule - DON'T FUCK WITH KYLIE. 0/5
Paul: Blimey, outrivalling Bearforce 1 in the stereotype stakes, this is possibly the worst cover of BTDYK (THE best Kylie song ever) I've ever heard. It's all wrong - the voice, the half hearted dancing, the infernal backing track stripping out the melody - at least Steps version was pretty true to the original. Bring back the devil horns!! 0.5/5
Rob: Okay, if your going to do a cover of this specific song you have to change it somewhat. You can't do a straight copy. Ahem. You have to either pump it up with steroids or botox it with beautiful strings. Kylie always morphs the song when on tour. Again, I'm being harsh but I think its unoriginality gets in the way. 0/5
The Prophet: Is this a parody? I can't tell if it's for real or not. This is a hot motherfuckin' mess, but at least it's better than Kylie's shrill nasal whining so it gets half a point for that. 0.5/5
Tony: Too gay. Even for me. Could be a hit at the Spanish Coast, maybe Torremolinos. The good thing is that you know your tune is a classic when they do a cover of it. Ask Mylène Farmer and Kate Ryan. Kylie should be proud. Or not, because they're not even cute. 0/5
Total: 2.5/40

Blue Juice – Broken Legs (Video)

This local band has scored an unexpected commercial breakthrough with their skipping anthem! Please note - the song doesn't actually start until around the three minute mark.

Diva Incarnate: I am not even interested enough to look for 'bounce' inside their jogging pants in the video - it's a 'no' from me. 0/5
D'Luv: I'd need a lot of booze for this one. 1/5
Jamie: I'm not hating on it, but I would never listen to this in a month of moons. 2/5
Mike: I love this. Blue Juice bring back 80s pub rock with a poptastic modern twist. "Broken Leg" perks me up every time it comes on the radio. 4/5
Paul: Eep. Hate the name of the group. Not too keen on the song either. I think this must be one of those love it or hate it type malarkies and I ain't overly keen. Listen to it without watching the skippity skip video and it ain't entertaining at all. Booooo. A poor effort. 1/5
Rob: Finally, something fabulous. I shaved off points though for the awful introduction. Boring and not as funny as they think it is. I love it though. 2.5/5
The Prophet: Borrrrrrrrrrring. NEXT! 0/5
Tony: Mike, are you kidding me? Is it a parody or for real? I've got a broken leg myself and I don't feel compelled to do stupid videos on Youtube. 0/5
Total: 10.5/40

Kelly Clarkson – Already Gone (Video)

the third single from Kelly's latest album.

Diva Incarnate: Like skidmarks that will not flush, KFC (Kelly Fucking Clarkson) blames it all on Beyonce - she's the new Solange. Is she singing about her stretchmarks? 2/5
D'Luv: Let me know when Kelly does a full album with Max Martin. 1.5/5
Jamie: Poor Kelly Clarkson, she should appeal to me as a sort of plain Jane underdog type in a sea of plastic Disney Channel faux rock chicks, but she is so boring, and fuck me this is s bad as anything she's done! I wish she was already gone, how tiresome. 1.5/5
Mike: It's not Kelly's fault that Ryan Tedder recycles songs like most people recycle garbage but this unfortunate incident just proves how much better Beyonce's version is in every single way. "Halo" is one of 2009's best tracks, this is just abysmal. 1/5
Paul: All the kerfuffle over "Halo" vs "Already Gone" is quite boring to me. Ryan Tedder is hardly the most innovative of writers - he channels the same sound into all his songs, so why people bitch and moan about it after the fact is beyond me. It's quite a nice song in it's own right. 3/5
Rob: Ah the dangerous pitfalls of working with hot producers. For sure, it'll sound like something else. The video is nice but this is incredibly unoriginal. Even the Beyonce original was tedious. Kelly's voice is less grating though than the 'original' singer. However, despite its greatness as a singular song what kind of fool does she take us for (we've heard all that before). 0/5
The Prophet: Amazing. I hate Kelly's new album but this is one of the standout tracks and she sings the song with a lot of emotion and feeling, probably because she wrote it. 5/5
Tony: I simply can't stand her. Show me the remixes. Could be great with an uplifting Freemasons remix. boooring. 1/5
Total: 15/40

EliZe – I Can Be A Bitch (Below)

This classy jam is the 4th single from EliZe's sophomore album.

Diva Incarnate: Addictively contrived, Elize's charming lyrics put Lisa Scott-Lee to shame, and not since Jenny Frost's almost mythical "Don't Fuck With Me" has a singer sounded so engagingly pleased with herself adding insult to injury on a ropey dance track. Her rich and powerful purr becomes more and more memorable with every accompanying beat. 4/5
D'Luv: I can be a bitch, too, baby. For instance, check out this score: 0/5
Jamie: I love the economical video! Is she saying: "you're out of luck; you should've given me a fuck tonight?" – That's what I'm hearing!! Anyway, this one ticks all the tragic boxes for me. It's grim, but I can't help myself, it's so damn trash-tastic! I’ll have to track down some more of EliZe’s efforts after hearing this bouncy gem. 4/5
Mike: EliZe is my goddess! How dare this not be the single of the week! With stunning lyrics like "You're out of luck, that's right - shouldn't have met me on vodka night!", this should have raked in perfect scores across the board! The haters on this Panel wouldn't know good music if it fisted them! 5/5
Paul: Oh how fun, how kooky, how daring that she says bitch. Oh how sarcastic I'm being. Another song without many redeeming features. At least have the courage of your convictions - Meredith Brook WAS a bitch, not just occasionally. Do like the cat meow thing at the end of the first chorus though. 1/5
Rob: Wow, Rachel Stevens is back! I love this but what is it with this weeks entries? Only two (Broken Leg & No Angels) sound absolutely original. EliZe sounds fabulous to be sure. But I feel like I've totally heard this all before. 1/5
The Prophet: I should like this for it's trash factor but for some reason it's just not happening. 1/5
Tony: Is this Schlager music? Kind of catchy though... I can be a better bitch than her, believe me. 3/5
Total: 19/40

Eva Simons – Silly Boy (Video)

Eva the Dutch diva scored a record 4 million hits on youtube when the audio leaked and was mistaken for Rihanna.

Diva Incarnate: Deliberately muscling into Lady Gaga's territory, this is like a raucous Atari riot shoot 'em up, shaded with chugging guitars and goes flat out using spat out flustered vocals. 4.5/5
D'Luv: "Hey, I have an idea—I'm gonna rip off Rihanna's hair and sound, and then totally cop La Roux's video for 'In For The Kill.' It'll surely work for me, too, right?" 0/5
Jamie: Well somebody thinks they're Rihanna, is this cheap knock-off week or something? I like the car in the video but that distraction aside - the chorus on this is sadly lacking and that's what these kind of songs really rely on. I'm not really keen on it, there's not much else to say except that Eva should get her own act because this is lame. 2/5
Mike: Eva has booked herself a spot in the swagga jackin' Hall of Fame with this effort. Hair by Elly Jackson, outfit courtesy of Lady GaGa and a song that was probably stolen from Rihanna while she was getting bashed by Chris Brown. The thing is - I couldn't give a fuck. "Silly Boy" is a stunning anthem that actually stands toe to toe with the aforementioned pop heavyweights which is an amazing achievement for an unknown Dutch diva. Eva has plenty of time to carve out her own niche. In the meantime this gem has serious international potential. 5/5
Paul: It's weird that I kind of like the sound that apparently is ripping off Lady Gaga (Cascada, now Eva) but don't actually like the Cuckoo'd one herself. I do think this is rather funky and enjoyable. And I think it will sound quite good played loud at my local pub so I will give it a 4/5.
Rob: Sigh. This is both amazing and utterly lame. Amazing because the girl who used to be in the Dutch version of Girls Aloud (Raffish) has given us a stunning video, look and bewildering song. On that reason alone I might have given its full marks. It is indeed one of the strongest entries to Pop Panel. But of course everything about this reeks unoriginality. Eva & her creative team are somewhat like the kid in the exams who is sat next to an A star student and copies all the answers. I don't even have to mention the other female acts Eva has copied as its so blatant. I seriously wanted to adore this. But its obvious plagiarism gets in the way. I'm being incredibly harsh here but I think its deserved. 0/5
The Prophet: Can people PLEASE stop ripping off Lady GaGa and RedOne! I beg of you! This song and video is absolute garbage and it's probably one of my least liked songs of the year. 1/5
Tony: The La Roux hairstyle seems to be in fashion these days. And the Rihanna dance as well... Is her dress made with straws? Love it! 3/5
Total: 19.5/40

Nikki 16 – Come And Get Me (Video)

America's trashiest new girlband unleash their debut single.

Diva Incarnate: Bulging with neo-camp single entendres, they still feel the need to spell out lyrics such as 'he's got something heavy on his mind' by smugly interjecting 'like me' as if there could be any doubt. Their horrifically inflated self-worth, with shuddering momentum and soldered vocals, somehow fails to hit any erogenous zones but the overall discharge has a slick and infectious consistency. 3.5/5
D'Luv: Slutty! This sounds like the type of garbage I'd love if I were 15 and hanging out at the rollerskating rink. That gets it a: 4/5
Jamie: They look a little bit like a 21st Century Vanity 6 without any of the funk or fabulousness that a sassy R&B all-girl trio needs. This is so bland, I doubt even Brooke Hogan would bother herself with it. This isn't doing a thing for me. 1/5
Mike: I love these trashy sluts. I just wish their song was a bit stronger. I love the old school R'n'B overtones and any group that pays homage to Vanity 6 is fine by me. Hopefully the follow up is edgier. 3/5
Paul: Ok first off that "yo this is Nikki 16" awfulness at the start has got to go. So has the tired old boob 2 vadge rub that all girl groups do in the videos nowadays to try and be sexual. It doesn't work. The song is really boring too - it really doesn't stand out. Even Girls Can't Sing's catchy little number is much better than this. 1/5
Rob: This is slightly out of date. But that doesn't make it bad. Sounds a lot like a Brandy (Full Moon) reject. I like it. Its not a single but a very strong album track. 2/5
The Prophet: Vanity/Apollonia/Mary Jane Girls 2009 here we come! 5/5
Tony: 3 instead of 7? Here comes the American Sugababes! And microphones are so 2000 and late... 1/5
Total: 20.5/40

No Angels - One Life (Video)

The latest single from Germany's most succesful girlband.

Diva Incarnate: These girls can't quite crank up the skank like Nikki 16; instead they give a decent performance, with raining sun-reflecting synths and stodgy nose-blocked vocals spread on top, but the comedy rap is far too vanilla to make anything twitch down south. 3.5/5
D'Luv: Seems promising until the chorus, which is a drag. Maybe Sugababes shoulda done this song, instead? Extra point for the decent vid. 2.5/5
Jamie: This one is okay, I think the verses are reasonable, and the first part of the chorus is a bit weak, but when they get going, on what I'm going to call the second part of the chorus, it really works! It's a patchy effort but I like it and I would probably listen to it again, maybe the track will gel after a few spins. These girls could do worse than try the UK with this one. 3.5/5
Mike: All of these girls have perfect faces for radio, which is one of the many reasons they haven't really made it outside Germany. However, this is probably their catchiest song since "Daylight In My Eyes". I hate the spoken interlude though. 3.5/5
Paul: Quite nice. I've always sort of ignored them but I wouldn't turn this off if it came on the radio (though I never listen to radio, so that's a stupid statement). I'm not exactly sure why they are dressed as sperm at the start of the vid, and I sort of expected this massive banging chorus to come in and I got stuck with that damp. Oh well. 2.5/5
Rob: Finally, something absolutely original. Hey, they're in pop and their doing electro synth pop without jumping on the Lady GaGa/RedOne bandwagon. The video is great too. Everything about One Life is amazing. I like it because its not affraid to push the boundaries. Its prepared to do electro pop and break away from the well trodden Lady GaGa approach. This ups the ante. While Eva copies, this totally updates the genre. Who'd have thought it? No Angels never really release music that is totally groundbreaking. They always play it safe. Not this time. Good girls. 5/5
The Prophet: Yes another reason why Germans make my stomach turn (sorry Mike xox). 0/5
Tony: I just love them! And the song is perfect to dance at the beach. At the beginning of the video, they look like spermatozoids. 4/5
Total: 24.5/40

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Sugababes – Get Sexy (Below)

The 'Babes get a RedOne-esque makeover for their latest single.

Diva Incarnate: Vile trash! Cum-sharing vocals dribble with proud desperation, but a chaffing still-born chorus leaves a stubborn rash like the one on Heidi's thighs. Amelle snarls 'I'm so sexy it hurts' whilst presumably rubbing KY into her herpes. It's like they think getting gangbanged in a club is showing Mutya what she's missing. 2.5/5
D'Luv: I gotta give the 'babes props for always trying something different. It's not the most immediately-catchy offering from them, but it could turn out to be a grower. 3.5/5
Jamie: When I first heard "Get Sexy" last week, I had no idea it was by these three tramps. Occasionally the Sugababes release a track worth listening too and this is one of those rare occasions. I really like this shamelessly derivative trash! It's so much better if you don't watch the video. I can't stand their faces! I can totally imagine every tragic gay bar from London to West Hollywood hammering this one over the coming months. 4/5
Mike: This is the most skanktastic the Sugababes have looked and sounded since the holy goddess of realness Mutya departed the group. For that alone I'm giving it 4/5.
Paul: I'm not sure why this is considered such a makeover or radical new direction for the sugababes - remember when they came back with the ace "Freak Like Me" after the sound of "Overload"?! Yes, I'd love more songs like "About You Now", "Push The Button" and "Every Heart Broken" but this has really grown on me. Now shut up and watch me walk! 4/5
Rob: Awful. The remixes are properly amazing though. 0/5
The Prophet: How the mighty have fallen. Bring back Mutya ASAP! 2.5/5
Tony: Definitely, one of the songs of this summer. I love the "Right Said Fred" part! These are the 'Babes we love, the slutty ones! But the video is quite low cost, even Kylie could do it better. When dj-ing, I love mixing this song with Calvin Harris' "I'm not alone". 5/5
Total: 25.5/35