La Toya - The Lost Video

I have to apologise for the lack of updates recently. My life has just been more insane than usual. Things will hopefully return to normal later in the week but in the meantime, please bear with me. Today's post is brief but still rather fun. Toy Soldiers (ie. La Toya fans) have long lived under the impression that our Goddess only filmed four film clips in her stunning 30 year career. "Heart Don't Lie" redefined the medium, while "(Ain't Nobody Loves You) Like I Do" remains a camp classic. "You're Gonna Get Rocked" set new standards as the fiercest urban video of all time and more recently, "Home" took the internet by storm - reminding the world of Toy's creative genius. However, fans have long debated the existence of a video clip for 1989's "Bad Girl". A couple of days ago, the mystery was solved... kind of.

La Toya's 6th studio album was recorded in Germany in the late 80s and a lead single was released. In typical Toy Toy style, "Bad Girl" flopped worse than Brooke Hogan and Heidi Montag put together and the similarly titled album was shelved until 1991. Rumours began circulating that a video for "Bad Girl" was filmed but it remained shrouded in mystery until it unexpectedly appeared on youtube a few days ago. I have to admit that I always thought the film clip was an old wives' tale. For a very simple reason. I lived in Germany as a child and most television shows had elaborate visual montages for guest performers at the time. I vividly remember Toy (or fake La Toya as the case may be) performing "Don't Break My Heart" on TV - complete with video screens and a panther! - and I always assumed the "Bad Girl" video might be an edit of a similar performance. Watching it today, I'm still not convinced but it doesn't matter. This is a riveting masterpiece and showcases Toy Toy's stunning dance moves, which I'm sure you'll agree put Janet's pathetic choreography to shame! I love the zero budget special effects and the fact that La Toya's backing dancers were obviously drafted from the nearest gay club.

The song itself is an amazing attempt to cash in on Michael's "Bad" but I think the track holds up well as a late 80s anthem. The chorus is catchy and the production bounces along cheerfully enough. One of these days I'll write a proper post about one of La Toya's best albums but in the meantime check out this rare and amazing video - regardless if it is official or not. Nobody does it quite like Toy Toy!

La Toya's Ode To Janet

Whenever I'm feeling down, I play some La Toya and the world instantly feels a bit brighter. This week I've been pumping Toy Toy's 1986 triumph "Imagination". The album was a massive flop (even by the Pope of Pop's low standards) but I love it to bits - particularly the calypso-tastic "On A Night Like This" and the dubiously titled "Boys Got Somethin' Girls Ain't Got". In a strange coincidence, my friend and regular Pop Trash contributor Magical Froggy has just put the finishing touches to a stunning video for the album's most infamous track. "Baby Sister" is notorious among Toy Soldiers and Janatics as La Toya's musical swipe at her much less talented sister Janet. While not as bitter as Jermaine's fuck you note to Michael (1991's "Word To The Badd"), the song still packs a punch. The line "you used to love me til you met my baby sister" takes on a whole new meaning when you consider the song was released in the same year that "Control" turned Janet into a superstar and I wouldn't be surprised if the lyrics about man stealing and back stabbing were also based on fact given Manita Ho's uncontrollable vagina! However, "Baby Sister" is more than just a novelty hit. It's a shiny piece of pop perfection with gorgeous 80s synths and a perky little chorus. The song was also a critical smash winning the Outstanding Song Award at the 16th Annual World Popular Song Festival in Japan. Take that, Toy haters! I think MF's video (below) perfectly captures the essence of the song. My favourite bit is Janet standing outside McDonalds and Joe's cameo at the end. Enjoy!

Come Inside La Toya's Walls

I firmly believe "Sexual Feeling" is the litmus test that distinguishes true Toy Soldiers from casual fans. If La Toya's 1990 cult classic makes you want to give the nearest tranny a chest to chest or throws you into a big back door shaking frenzy - chances are you officially feel the joy of Toy! As far as I'm concerned the track ranks as one of the finest achievements of 20th century pop music. Everything about "Sexual Feeling" is utterly epic and jaw droppingly trashtastic. I don't even know where to start. After all, this is a song that tastefully combines minutes of erotic groaning, legendary lines like "get it wet" and "come inside my walls", La Toya rapping as well as Japanese and Italian lyrics! A lot of the credit has to go to Claudio and Franco Donato, who spent most of the 80s at the forefront of Italo-disco until working with Toy Toy killed their respective careers. The production is like a time capsule of late 80s influences. There are touches of house, spashes of Italo disco and a strong under current of hip hop. It shouldn't work - and many would argue that it doesn't - but I find the combination utterly irresistible.

"Sexual Feeling" is also poignant because it represents the moment that La Toya threw in the towel as far as trying to be a credible pop star and became the tragic puppet of her abusive and demented ex-husband Jack Gordon. I have no doubt Jack actually believed this deliciously dirty slice of pop porn would rocket La Toya to superstardom. And in his defence, if anyone else had recorded "Sexual Feeling" it probably would have been a #1 hit on shock value alone. Particularly when you consider the fact that the song pre-dates Madonna's hypersexual "Erotica" era and Janet's super sleazy self-titled 1993 album. Speaking of La Toya's boring sister, Janet clearly ripped of "Sexual Feeling" on her 1994 single "Throb" - proving once and for all that Toy not only got the looks but also the talent! As a special treat, I've included the song's eye popping fan made video. It's already been removed from youtube for being soft porn so get in quick. Believe me, you will need a tissue at the ready! However, please note that the video version is an edit. For the full "Sexual Feeling" experience check out the five and a half minute version. Mi piace!

EDIT: It was fun while it lasted but my lovely video was removed for violating Youtube regulations. I might post it on my Facebook instead!

La Toya's "Home" Video - In Full!

A friend sent me a text in the early hours of the morning to say that La Toya's comeback video had finally been unveiled and I rushed out of bed like a child at Christmas to check out what I assumed would be the greatest achievement in filmmaking since Citizen Kane. "Home" is absolutely adorable and I love it to bits but I hope I'm not cast out of the Church of La Toya for admitting that I'm ever so slightly underwhelmed.

Don't get me wrong. The video is a syrupy sweet delight and showcases the Pope of Pop's stunning beauty to startling effect. If nothing else, Toy has officially reclaimed her throne as the sexiest woman alive. I can't believe how youthful and luminous she looks. They have seriously reverse engineered her nose or broken new ground in CGI technology because Toy Toy's precious beak is nowhere to be seen. I also think the video is beautifully filmed and surprisingly tasteful. I was slightly concerned that Jeffre would run around in sheet to symbolise Michael's ghost but he was obviously too busy watching re-runs of Dante's Cove. The location is utterly gorgeous and the melancholy mood suits the lyrics perfectly. My favourite scenes are when Toy pokes her head into the cubby house at approximately 2:05 minutes and the fierce headshake at 3:35 minutes. Somebody make me an avatar! All in all, La Toya really outdid herself - so why am I ever so slightly disappointed?

I guess my expectations were just unrealistic. This is Toy Toy's first film clip in twenty two long years, so I thought she would really bring it. To a certain extent she has but I could have done without all the footage of that little girl playing on a swing and blowing bubbles. Toy has only released four music videos in her 30 year career - I wanted the focus to be on her. I'm also not sure I can handle the Dutchess of Dance's classy new image. Where is the shamelessness? Where is the desperation? Where is her sailor's hat? I hope La Toya doesn't instruct her Psychic Friends to curse me because I really do love the video. It just made me work a bit harder for my toygasm than usual. Anyway, lucky bitches in the US and UK can download the video from iTunes now. The rest of us will have to wait.

La Toya's Duet With Duet Andre & Other Tidbits!

It's been a while since my last La Toya update so I thought it was about time I devoted another post to world's greatest living vocalist. Since emerging from her self-imposed exile to personally hunt down Michael's killer, Toy has swiftly kicked Janet to the curb as the world's favourite remaining Jackson. The public simply can't get enough of our goddess. She's all over the gossip blogs and has been inundated with offers to appear on every US television show from Dancing With The Stars (Toy Toy just said no) to The View. The Pope of Pop accepted the latter invitation and will join the panel on the 16th and 18th of September. I just hope Whoopi can keep her hands to herself because La Toya's sexual energy is notoriously hard to resist and our girl doesn't open her front door for any old has-been!

As excited as I am about Toy Toy's publicity whoring rampage, I'm more interested in her musical comeback. Everything is going full steam ahead on that front with news that "Home" is currently storming up the iTunes (R'n'B) chart (in Germany)! If that isn't reason enough to celebrate, the sure to be iconic video debuts on the 1st of September. That's less than two weeks until La Toya officially makes Madonna, Britney and Lady GaGa redundant! I know you're thinking that Dutchess of Dance couldn't possibly have anything else up her sleeve but Australia's 4th greatest musical export, Peter Andre, recently announced that he's working on a Michael Jackson tribute with Toy! Talk about a clash of the titans! This has #47 smash written all over it! Peter mentioned the decade's most highly anticipate duet in a recent interview with TMZ (below). Fast forward to 1:40 mins to hear all the exciting details. You just know Michael shed tears of joy in heaven when he heard about this duo joining forces in his honour!

STOP PRESS: More Stunning Toy News!

Somebody pass me a Valium! The Church of La Toya has just rocked my world with this report:

"La Toya recorded her first music video in over 20 years on Sunday. The clip was directed by Eric Bute and director of photography was Hollywood veteran Reed Smoot. La Toya had three costume changes for the video, all of which were completely white ensembles, keeping with the theme of the single cover. It was shot at the Golden Oak Ranch in Santa Clarita, California, which is owned by The Walt Disney Company and frequently used for film production."

I just know Toy Toy is gonna bring her "A" game to this clip! I'm expecting a variety of crazy hats, stunning costume changes and at least one incredibly tasteful cameo by Michael Jackson's ghost. Given the ranch setting, I'm also hoping to see Toy take a roll in the hay and flash her big back door to a group of lustful cowboys. If the prospect of a new video from the Duchess of Dance isn't enough to give you a screaming toygasm, check out this little tidbit:

"We're also excited for an upcoming project we're working on with a UK record label. We'll have an album full of unreleased and rare La Toya material coming your way soon!"

By unreleased and rare, I think they mean the widely available "Startin' Over" with a few new tracks the Pope of Pop recorded recently including the much talked about but never heard "Love". Not that I'm complaining. I don't care if they re-release "Bad Girl" for the 147th time - anything would be an unexpected and gratefully received treat! Oh and for those of you that didn't believe, roll up your sleeves because The Church has also revealed that "Home" is now Toy's most downloaded song ever. I don't know if I can handle all this stunning $ucce$$!

While we wait for Toy's "Home" video to debut, let's wander down memory lane to 1984 when La Toya released her first and, in my opinion, best video. "Heart Don't Lie" is a much loved camp classic and remains Toy Toy's biggest US hit reaching a lofty #56 on the Billboard chart. I'm sure the video played a large part in the song's success. Only our Goddess could get away with playing a school girl despite pushing 30 and bring in a team of dancing mime artists!

A Toymentous Occasion!

Today is a toytastic moment in the history of pop music. Mark the 28th of July down in your diary as the day the (highly disputed) Queen of Pop released her first single in over a decade. Yes, bitches - the legendary La Toya Jackson is back! I've been waiting for this moment ever since Toy Toy first announced that she was startin' over way back in 2002 and now after a decade of false starts, she's finally ready to throw it down and put the haters in check. It's just a shame that it took such sad circumstances for the High Priestess of Pop to reclaim her throne. With any luck, the overwhelmingly positive response to "Home" will inspire Toy to get her big back door into the studio to record new tracks. That is after she hunts down Michael's killer and forces Debbie Rowe to get correct. In the meantime, I've put together a special one off mid-week Pop Panel to celebrate the release of "Home". Today's completely unbiased judges are:

Bomitoni (US) writer of Milk Carton Pop Stars
Chicago Sexbox (US) writer of Chicago Sexbox
Jamie (UK) writer of Tat Parade
Jay (UK) writer of Postcards From Puerto Rico
Mike (AUS) author of this classy blog
Tommie (Sweden) writer of Donna Martin Graduates

Here's what this fabulous group of high brow music scholars had to say about Toy Toy's heartbreaking tribute to Michael Jackson.

Bomitoni: Toy has touched many with her music over the years. This previously unreleased gem is a true testament to what Toy truly is, a music force to be reckoned with. What a lovely tribute to Michael Jackson! 5/5

Chicago Sexbox: Somewhere up above Michael Jackson is smiling down from a celestial Neverland as he is greeted by the sounds of La Toya Jackson's power ballad and soon to be epic anthem for Michael Jackson fans everywhere, "Home". Michael's closest and most talented sister releases this gem from her vault to not only honor her brother and the childhood home they shared growing up but to donate all proceeds to Michael's favorite AIDS charity. While Janet is probably already corrupting poor Michael's children with her collection of S&M anal porn, La Toya appeases the King of Pop's spirit much like she has done with her fans with her previous musical ventures. For those of you who didn't believe roll up your sleeves......cuz La Toya is throwing down with her new spiritual and uplifting sound! 5/5

Jamie: For many years the thinking man's Jackson has tantalised us with pop gems like 2003's Billboard Dance/Club Chart smash "Just Wanna Dance", "Free The World", and her ghetto throwdown to pimps and dealers across the globe - the seminal "I Don't Play That". On her latest opus La Toya gives us a glimpse of the good old days of growing up in the Jackson family home surrounded by the only people she ever really knew. It's just lovely, syrupy, over the top, and melancholy all at the same time. What a poignant and fitting time to release this fan favourite which serves as a perfect tribute to Michael, the King of Pop - 5/5!

Jay: The Pope Of Pop returns to bless us all with a heavenly anthem and a touching tribute to her recently departed brother. What makes this even more touching is Queen Toy showing her forgiveness for him once again sabotaging her career as him dropping his clogs has ensured the much anticipated "Startin' Over" has been delayed indefinitely... just like he ruined "Night Time Lover" and stole "Thriller"! Though I still think a re-issue of "Free The World" would have been far more fabulous. 5/5

Mike: Music fans are used to Jackson sisters being pudgy frumps like Janet and Rebbie. La Toya's curse has always been her exquisite looks and unrivalled sex appeal but hopefully the tragedy of Michael's death will allow people to look past her divine body and finally embrace the powerhouse vocals that have driven Toy Soldiers wild for three decades. "Home" truly is a toyriffic tune. The production is epic, the lyrics are tender and Toy Toy turns it out vocally. A work of genius. 5/5

Tommie: A true triumph in good taste and artistry! Anyone who disagrees has clearly listened to Janet's pussy ballads for too long and shouldn't be taken seriously. 5/5

Total: 30/30

That's highest score in Pop Panel history! I always knew Toy Toy had it in her. "Home" is now available from US and UK iTunes. Please do the poor bitch a favour and download it! The rest of us can bask in the glory of Toy's stunning "Home" by watching the video (below).

A Toygasmic Update & Performance!

Haters need to get correct or La Toya will put you in check! That's the message the priestess of pop sent to the world's media this week when she clarified some details about her stunning Michael Jackson tribute. In a press release Toy struck back at claims that "Home" is tasteless and poorly timed, explaining that all proceeds are going to an AIDS charity that Michael supported. Just imagine the difference that ten dollars could make to someone's life! Furthermore, La Toya is refusing to promote the song - which torpedoes the theory that she is releasing it just to get back in the spotlight. Seriously, anyone who doubted the thinking man's Jackson needs to hang their head in shame and beg forgiveness!

The most exciting thing about the past week for me has been surprisingly positive online reaction. Perez Hilton and D Listed have both been rocked by "Home" and the comments weren't nearly as hateful as I expected. The video has now been watched over 90,000 times on youtube and the song is currently the 56th most viewed music video of the week - in Italy! Dannii wishes she had that much $ucce$$! Interestingly, it's not the first time Italians have bathed in the glory of Toy Toy. A clip recently surfaced of La Toya performing at the 1990 San Remo song festival and it has to be one of the most toygasmic things I've ever seen in my life. "You And Me" has always been one of my favourite Toy anthems and it's a joy to see her perform the gorgeous ballad live. She sounds adorable, looks like an angel (who has just been attacked with a bedazzler) and holds the audience in the palm of her lovely hand. I believe that La Toya only came second that year but the voting was obviously rigged by Janet. Revel in Toy's stunning performance below: