La Toya Covers Whitney - Live In Poland!

I don't know how we all survived before Youtube. One minute you're aimlessly trawling through old Taka Boom videos, the next you stumble across a freshly uploaded clip of the Pope of Pop belting out "I Just Wanna Dance With Somebody" in 1993. Needless to say, Toy Toy's stunning performance is a sight to behold. Anyone lucky enough to own a copy of "Live At Balleys" knows the unparalleled brilliance of a La Toya concert and she really brought her A game to Poland. Believe me, the former Eastern Block was well and truly rocked by our Queen's electric dance moves and magnetic stage presence - not to mention the high budget production values (ie. a smoke machine) and a costume which redefines the very essence of glamour! The highlight for me is Toy's hilarious disclaimer at the beginning that she doesn't require audience participation, closely followed by her orgasmic squeals. The thinking man's Jackson really does have the voice of an angel using a vibrator. I don't think it's a coincidence that Whitney went off the rails in early 90s. She clearly caught wind of this performance and knew that La Toya had her beat in the beauty and talent stakes. It's not easy living in Toy's shadow - just ask Janet!

Battle Of The Has Beens - Janet Vs J Lo

The close of 2009 finds two ex-superstars hitting the comeback trail in the desperate hope of reclaiming some of their rapidly fading former glory. In case you missed their not so spectacular performances at the recent American Music Awards, I'm talking about Jenny from the block and the ugly Jackson sister. It's been a lean decade for both divas. J Lo hasn't had a top 10 hit (as the featured artist) since 2002, while Janet has been a permanent resident of flop city since "Someone To Call My Lover" snuck into the top 5 way back in 2001. As far as falls from grace go, both have been pretty spectacular and it will be interesting to see if either one can claw their way back to any kind of relevance. It's a close call. La Toya's less talented sister is currently riding a wave of Jackson nostalgia in the wake of Michael's death but if the quality of their new songs is any indication - my money's on Jennifer. Just ignore that SHITEOUS "Fresh Out The Oven" taster single at all costs.

Before I get to J Lo, I have to give Janet some credit for finally releasing a semi-decent single. "Make Me" is basically a shoddy remake of the vastly superior "Rock With U" and pales in comparison to La Toya's genre defining masterpiece "Home" but it's an enjoyable burst of upbeat fun and avoids mentioning Jan's vagina for its entire three and a half minute running time. I'm sure hell just froze over. Moreover, Darkchild is suddenly very hot again and Manita's monthly liposuction really pays off in the video. "Make Me" could be her ticket back out of Toy Toy's shadow but I'm not convinced. The song lacks a killer hook and sounds a bit insipid next to Beyoncé and Rihanna's hot urban dance beats. Anyway, points for trying. As for La Lopez - I'm impressed. I have to admit I've always had a soft spot for Jennifer. The bitch can't sing for shit and speaks worse Spanish than I do but when she's given the right material ("Waiting For Tonight", "I'm Real" and "Get Right"), the results are usually pretty fabulous. Her hideous collaboration with Pitbull had me seriously worried but the official lead single from her new album is great. "Louboutins" (below) is a real grower. I hated the song at first but now it's lodged in my head. The Dream redeems himself somewhat for destroying Mariah's "Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel" with his hook filled production and the layers of crisp beats stand up to anything currently on the radio. Fingers crossed it's a hit 'cause those shoes are expensive!

La Toya - The Lost Video

I have to apologise for the lack of updates recently. My life has just been more insane than usual. Things will hopefully return to normal later in the week but in the meantime, please bear with me. Today's post is brief but still rather fun. Toy Soldiers (ie. La Toya fans) have long lived under the impression that our Goddess only filmed four film clips in her stunning 30 year career. "Heart Don't Lie" redefined the medium, while "(Ain't Nobody Loves You) Like I Do" remains a camp classic. "You're Gonna Get Rocked" set new standards as the fiercest urban video of all time and more recently, "Home" took the internet by storm - reminding the world of Toy's creative genius. However, fans have long debated the existence of a video clip for 1989's "Bad Girl". A couple of days ago, the mystery was solved... kind of.

La Toya's 6th studio album was recorded in Germany in the late 80s and a lead single was released. In typical Toy Toy style, "Bad Girl" flopped worse than Brooke Hogan and Heidi Montag put together and the similarly titled album was shelved until 1991. Rumours began circulating that a video for "Bad Girl" was filmed but it remained shrouded in mystery until it unexpectedly appeared on youtube a few days ago. I have to admit that I always thought the film clip was an old wives' tale. For a very simple reason. I lived in Germany as a child and most television shows had elaborate visual montages for guest performers at the time. I vividly remember Toy (or fake La Toya as the case may be) performing "Don't Break My Heart" on TV - complete with video screens and a panther! - and I always assumed the "Bad Girl" video might be an edit of a similar performance. Watching it today, I'm still not convinced but it doesn't matter. This is a riveting masterpiece and showcases Toy Toy's stunning dance moves, which I'm sure you'll agree put Janet's pathetic choreography to shame! I love the zero budget special effects and the fact that La Toya's backing dancers were obviously drafted from the nearest gay club.

The song itself is an amazing attempt to cash in on Michael's "Bad" but I think the track holds up well as a late 80s anthem. The chorus is catchy and the production bounces along cheerfully enough. One of these days I'll write a proper post about one of La Toya's best albums but in the meantime check out this rare and amazing video - regardless if it is official or not. Nobody does it quite like Toy Toy!

La Toya's Ode To Janet

Whenever I'm feeling down, I play some La Toya and the world instantly feels a bit brighter. This week I've been pumping Toy Toy's 1986 triumph "Imagination". The album was a massive flop (even by the Pope of Pop's low standards) but I love it to bits - particularly the calypso-tastic "On A Night Like This" and the dubiously titled "Boys Got Somethin' Girls Ain't Got". In a strange coincidence, my friend and regular Pop Trash contributor Magical Froggy has just put the finishing touches to a stunning video for the album's most infamous track. "Baby Sister" is notorious among Toy Soldiers and Janatics as La Toya's musical swipe at her much less talented sister Janet. While not as bitter as Jermaine's fuck you note to Michael (1991's "Word To The Badd"), the song still packs a punch. The line "you used to love me til you met my baby sister" takes on a whole new meaning when you consider the song was released in the same year that "Control" turned Janet into a superstar and I wouldn't be surprised if the lyrics about man stealing and back stabbing were also based on fact given Manita Ho's uncontrollable vagina! However, "Baby Sister" is more than just a novelty hit. It's a shiny piece of pop perfection with gorgeous 80s synths and a perky little chorus. The song was also a critical smash winning the Outstanding Song Award at the 16th Annual World Popular Song Festival in Japan. Take that, Toy haters! I think MF's video (below) perfectly captures the essence of the song. My favourite bit is Janet standing outside McDonalds and Joe's cameo at the end. Enjoy!

Come Inside La Toya's Walls

I firmly believe "Sexual Feeling" is the litmus test that distinguishes true Toy Soldiers from casual fans. If La Toya's 1990 cult classic makes you want to give the nearest tranny a chest to chest or throws you into a big back door shaking frenzy - chances are you officially feel the joy of Toy! As far as I'm concerned the track ranks as one of the finest achievements of 20th century pop music. Everything about "Sexual Feeling" is utterly epic and jaw droppingly trashtastic. I don't even know where to start. After all, this is a song that tastefully combines minutes of erotic groaning, legendary lines like "get it wet" and "come inside my walls", La Toya rapping as well as Japanese and Italian lyrics! A lot of the credit has to go to Claudio and Franco Donato, who spent most of the 80s at the forefront of Italo-disco until working with Toy Toy killed their respective careers. The production is like a time capsule of late 80s influences. There are touches of house, spashes of Italo disco and a strong under current of hip hop. It shouldn't work - and many would argue that it doesn't - but I find the combination utterly irresistible.

"Sexual Feeling" is also poignant because it represents the moment that La Toya threw in the towel as far as trying to be a credible pop star and became the tragic puppet of her abusive and demented ex-husband Jack Gordon. I have no doubt Jack actually believed this deliciously dirty slice of pop porn would rocket La Toya to superstardom. And in his defence, if anyone else had recorded "Sexual Feeling" it probably would have been a #1 hit on shock value alone. Particularly when you consider the fact that the song pre-dates Madonna's hypersexual "Erotica" era and Janet's super sleazy self-titled 1993 album. Speaking of La Toya's boring sister, Janet clearly ripped of "Sexual Feeling" on her 1994 single "Throb" - proving once and for all that Toy not only got the looks but also the talent! As a special treat, I've included the song's eye popping fan made video. It's already been removed from youtube for being soft porn so get in quick. Believe me, you will need a tissue at the ready! However, please note that the video version is an edit. For the full "Sexual Feeling" experience check out the five and a half minute version. Mi piace!

EDIT: It was fun while it lasted but my lovely video was removed for violating Youtube regulations. I might post it on my Facebook instead!

La Toya's "Home" Video - In Full!

A friend sent me a text in the early hours of the morning to say that La Toya's comeback video had finally been unveiled and I rushed out of bed like a child at Christmas to check out what I assumed would be the greatest achievement in filmmaking since Citizen Kane. "Home" is absolutely adorable and I love it to bits but I hope I'm not cast out of the Church of La Toya for admitting that I'm ever so slightly underwhelmed.

Don't get me wrong. The video is a syrupy sweet delight and showcases the Pope of Pop's stunning beauty to startling effect. If nothing else, Toy has officially reclaimed her throne as the sexiest woman alive. I can't believe how youthful and luminous she looks. They have seriously reverse engineered her nose or broken new ground in CGI technology because Toy Toy's precious beak is nowhere to be seen. I also think the video is beautifully filmed and surprisingly tasteful. I was slightly concerned that Jeffre would run around in sheet to symbolise Michael's ghost but he was obviously too busy watching re-runs of Dante's Cove. The location is utterly gorgeous and the melancholy mood suits the lyrics perfectly. My favourite scenes are when Toy pokes her head into the cubby house at approximately 2:05 minutes and the fierce headshake at 3:35 minutes. Somebody make me an avatar! All in all, La Toya really outdid herself - so why am I ever so slightly disappointed?

I guess my expectations were just unrealistic. This is Toy Toy's first film clip in twenty two long years, so I thought she would really bring it. To a certain extent she has but I could have done without all the footage of that little girl playing on a swing and blowing bubbles. Toy has only released four music videos in her 30 year career - I wanted the focus to be on her. I'm also not sure I can handle the Dutchess of Dance's classy new image. Where is the shamelessness? Where is the desperation? Where is her sailor's hat? I hope La Toya doesn't instruct her Psychic Friends to curse me because I really do love the video. It just made me work a bit harder for my toygasm than usual. Anyway, lucky bitches in the US and UK can download the video from iTunes now. The rest of us will have to wait.

New Kylie & A Toytastic Preview

I've been feeling so miserable today, dealing with various dramas but someone up above has obviously taken pity on me and decided to bring a little sunshine back into my life in the form of new music from Kylie and the first preview of Goddess Toy's stunning comeback "Home". I can't believe I'm being treated to new stuff from my two favourite divas in the one day. It feels like Christmas!

I guess I should start with Kylie because unlike Toy, her song hasn't been around since 2006. Most of you will probably remember that Kylie was recently hired to record music for the most expensive Bollywood movie in history and the fruits of her fabulous labour have finally hit Youtube. I can't believe how trashtastic "Chiggy Wiggy" is! The song is so much fun. I love it when Kylie gets a bit kooky on us (see her Wiggles duet for starters) and this Indian flavoured toe tapper is about as weird as it gets. The production is beautiful and I love the trashy chorus - I wanna chiggy wiggy wit choo boy! That's not even mentioning the brilliant video clip. My girl looks amazing and probably dances more in these one and a half minutes than she has in the past ten years. The outfit and dance moves are very Beyoncé but Kylie pulls it off. I love the look on her face when Akshay arrives on the big chandelier. It's the best acting she's done since "Biodome"! I can't wait to see this in full and really hope it gets a worldwide release. I honestly believe it's catchy enough to become a novelty hit.

Moving on now to the Dutchess of Dance. Toy Toy has just unveiled a preview of her "Home" video clip and it looks suitably classy. I'm slightly disappointed that she's not at least holding a framed photo of Michael but the layers of vaseline on the camera lens more than make up for it. La Toya looks absolutely phenomenal. I can't believe she's older than Madonna - Toy could honestly pass for one of her adopted Malawi babies! My favourite part of the preview is when our queen walks along holding the candle. She looks like a supermodel and her diva strut puts Miss J to shame. I just wish she didn't look so damn happy. This is supposed to be a dedication to her dead brother not "Sexual Feeling - The Sequel"! Toy works in mysterious ways, so I guess all will be revealed when the clip debuts on the 1st of September. I can hardly wait.

La Toya's Duet With Duet Andre & Other Tidbits!

It's been a while since my last La Toya update so I thought it was about time I devoted another post to world's greatest living vocalist. Since emerging from her self-imposed exile to personally hunt down Michael's killer, Toy has swiftly kicked Janet to the curb as the world's favourite remaining Jackson. The public simply can't get enough of our goddess. She's all over the gossip blogs and has been inundated with offers to appear on every US television show from Dancing With The Stars (Toy Toy just said no) to The View. The Pope of Pop accepted the latter invitation and will join the panel on the 16th and 18th of September. I just hope Whoopi can keep her hands to herself because La Toya's sexual energy is notoriously hard to resist and our girl doesn't open her front door for any old has-been!

As excited as I am about Toy Toy's publicity whoring rampage, I'm more interested in her musical comeback. Everything is going full steam ahead on that front with news that "Home" is currently storming up the iTunes (R'n'B) chart (in Germany)! If that isn't reason enough to celebrate, the sure to be iconic video debuts on the 1st of September. That's less than two weeks until La Toya officially makes Madonna, Britney and Lady GaGa redundant! I know you're thinking that Dutchess of Dance couldn't possibly have anything else up her sleeve but Australia's 4th greatest musical export, Peter Andre, recently announced that he's working on a Michael Jackson tribute with Toy! Talk about a clash of the titans! This has #47 smash written all over it! Peter mentioned the decade's most highly anticipate duet in a recent interview with TMZ (below). Fast forward to 1:40 mins to hear all the exciting details. You just know Michael shed tears of joy in heaven when he heard about this duo joining forces in his honour!

La Toya's Video Tribute To Michael

I know I'm drowning you all in Toy this week but given that she only releases new material once every second decade, I hope you'll forgive me. The latest milestone in La Toya's stunning comeback is a moving video tribute (above) to Michael. The Pope of Pop talks about keeping her brother's dream alive and promotes one of his favourite AIDS charities - by plugging her latest single! It's all very sweet. There's a strange innocence about La Toya that reminds me of Michael. I don't think it enters her pretty little head that some people might find her actions slightly tasteless. I honestly believe she's just trying to be a good sister and this is the only way she knows how. By the way, how completely fucking amazing does our Goddess look? Toy Toy has always been a vision of heavenly beauty but she looks absolutely breathtaking here. I swear she looks half Janet's age - and weight. I love the new hair and I think she's had some of her nose reinstated. Either that or they filmed this through a lens with enough Vaseline to lube up Cheryl Cole's prolapsed arsehole.

STOP PRESS: More Stunning Toy News!

Somebody pass me a Valium! The Church of La Toya has just rocked my world with this report:

"La Toya recorded her first music video in over 20 years on Sunday. The clip was directed by Eric Bute and director of photography was Hollywood veteran Reed Smoot. La Toya had three costume changes for the video, all of which were completely white ensembles, keeping with the theme of the single cover. It was shot at the Golden Oak Ranch in Santa Clarita, California, which is owned by The Walt Disney Company and frequently used for film production."

I just know Toy Toy is gonna bring her "A" game to this clip! I'm expecting a variety of crazy hats, stunning costume changes and at least one incredibly tasteful cameo by Michael Jackson's ghost. Given the ranch setting, I'm also hoping to see Toy take a roll in the hay and flash her big back door to a group of lustful cowboys. If the prospect of a new video from the Duchess of Dance isn't enough to give you a screaming toygasm, check out this little tidbit:

"We're also excited for an upcoming project we're working on with a UK record label. We'll have an album full of unreleased and rare La Toya material coming your way soon!"

By unreleased and rare, I think they mean the widely available "Startin' Over" with a few new tracks the Pope of Pop recorded recently including the much talked about but never heard "Love". Not that I'm complaining. I don't care if they re-release "Bad Girl" for the 147th time - anything would be an unexpected and gratefully received treat! Oh and for those of you that didn't believe, roll up your sleeves because The Church has also revealed that "Home" is now Toy's most downloaded song ever. I don't know if I can handle all this stunning $ucce$$!

While we wait for Toy's "Home" video to debut, let's wander down memory lane to 1984 when La Toya released her first and, in my opinion, best video. "Heart Don't Lie" is a much loved camp classic and remains Toy Toy's biggest US hit reaching a lofty #56 on the Billboard chart. I'm sure the video played a large part in the song's success. Only our Goddess could get away with playing a school girl despite pushing 30 and bring in a team of dancing mime artists!

A Toymentous Occasion!

Today is a toytastic moment in the history of pop music. Mark the 28th of July down in your diary as the day the (highly disputed) Queen of Pop released her first single in over a decade. Yes, bitches - the legendary La Toya Jackson is back! I've been waiting for this moment ever since Toy Toy first announced that she was startin' over way back in 2002 and now after a decade of false starts, she's finally ready to throw it down and put the haters in check. It's just a shame that it took such sad circumstances for the High Priestess of Pop to reclaim her throne. With any luck, the overwhelmingly positive response to "Home" will inspire Toy to get her big back door into the studio to record new tracks. That is after she hunts down Michael's killer and forces Debbie Rowe to get correct. In the meantime, I've put together a special one off mid-week Pop Panel to celebrate the release of "Home". Today's completely unbiased judges are:

Bomitoni (US) writer of Milk Carton Pop Stars
Chicago Sexbox (US) writer of Chicago Sexbox
Jamie (UK) writer of Tat Parade
Jay (UK) writer of Postcards From Puerto Rico
Mike (AUS) author of this classy blog
Tommie (Sweden) writer of Donna Martin Graduates

Here's what this fabulous group of high brow music scholars had to say about Toy Toy's heartbreaking tribute to Michael Jackson.

Bomitoni: Toy has touched many with her music over the years. This previously unreleased gem is a true testament to what Toy truly is, a music force to be reckoned with. What a lovely tribute to Michael Jackson! 5/5

Chicago Sexbox: Somewhere up above Michael Jackson is smiling down from a celestial Neverland as he is greeted by the sounds of La Toya Jackson's power ballad and soon to be epic anthem for Michael Jackson fans everywhere, "Home". Michael's closest and most talented sister releases this gem from her vault to not only honor her brother and the childhood home they shared growing up but to donate all proceeds to Michael's favorite AIDS charity. While Janet is probably already corrupting poor Michael's children with her collection of S&M anal porn, La Toya appeases the King of Pop's spirit much like she has done with her fans with her previous musical ventures. For those of you who didn't believe roll up your sleeves......cuz La Toya is throwing down with her new spiritual and uplifting sound! 5/5

Jamie: For many years the thinking man's Jackson has tantalised us with pop gems like 2003's Billboard Dance/Club Chart smash "Just Wanna Dance", "Free The World", and her ghetto throwdown to pimps and dealers across the globe - the seminal "I Don't Play That". On her latest opus La Toya gives us a glimpse of the good old days of growing up in the Jackson family home surrounded by the only people she ever really knew. It's just lovely, syrupy, over the top, and melancholy all at the same time. What a poignant and fitting time to release this fan favourite which serves as a perfect tribute to Michael, the King of Pop - 5/5!

Jay: The Pope Of Pop returns to bless us all with a heavenly anthem and a touching tribute to her recently departed brother. What makes this even more touching is Queen Toy showing her forgiveness for him once again sabotaging her career as him dropping his clogs has ensured the much anticipated "Startin' Over" has been delayed indefinitely... just like he ruined "Night Time Lover" and stole "Thriller"! Though I still think a re-issue of "Free The World" would have been far more fabulous. 5/5

Mike: Music fans are used to Jackson sisters being pudgy frumps like Janet and Rebbie. La Toya's curse has always been her exquisite looks and unrivalled sex appeal but hopefully the tragedy of Michael's death will allow people to look past her divine body and finally embrace the powerhouse vocals that have driven Toy Soldiers wild for three decades. "Home" truly is a toyriffic tune. The production is epic, the lyrics are tender and Toy Toy turns it out vocally. A work of genius. 5/5

Tommie: A true triumph in good taste and artistry! Anyone who disagrees has clearly listened to Janet's pussy ballads for too long and shouldn't be taken seriously. 5/5

Total: 30/30

That's highest score in Pop Panel history! I always knew Toy Toy had it in her. "Home" is now available from US and UK iTunes. Please do the poor bitch a favour and download it! The rest of us can bask in the glory of Toy's stunning "Home" by watching the video (below).

A Toygasmic Update & Performance!

Haters need to get correct or La Toya will put you in check! That's the message the priestess of pop sent to the world's media this week when she clarified some details about her stunning Michael Jackson tribute. In a press release Toy struck back at claims that "Home" is tasteless and poorly timed, explaining that all proceeds are going to an AIDS charity that Michael supported. Just imagine the difference that ten dollars could make to someone's life! Furthermore, La Toya is refusing to promote the song - which torpedoes the theory that she is releasing it just to get back in the spotlight. Seriously, anyone who doubted the thinking man's Jackson needs to hang their head in shame and beg forgiveness!

The most exciting thing about the past week for me has been surprisingly positive online reaction. Perez Hilton and D Listed have both been rocked by "Home" and the comments weren't nearly as hateful as I expected. The video has now been watched over 90,000 times on youtube and the song is currently the 56th most viewed music video of the week - in Italy! Dannii wishes she had that much $ucce$$! Interestingly, it's not the first time Italians have bathed in the glory of Toy Toy. A clip recently surfaced of La Toya performing at the 1990 San Remo song festival and it has to be one of the most toygasmic things I've ever seen in my life. "You And Me" has always been one of my favourite Toy anthems and it's a joy to see her perform the gorgeous ballad live. She sounds adorable, looks like an angel (who has just been attacked with a bedazzler) and holds the audience in the palm of her lovely hand. I believe that La Toya only came second that year but the voting was obviously rigged by Janet. Revel in Toy's stunning performance below:

La Toya Is Startin' Over - Again!

Michael Jackson is crying tears of joy in heaven tonight with news that his favourite sister is about to embark on the most anticipated comeback of the century. On Tuesday the 28th of July, La Toya will finally claim her rightful place at the forefront of popular music with the release of her first official US single in over a decade. "Home" is a touching ballad that perfectly showcases the stunning beauty of Toy Toy's voice. It's also a fitting tribute to Michael and will no doubt bring a lot of comfort to his army of mourning fans. It's official - iTunes is gonna get rocked!

As much as I love "Home" and wholeheartedly approve of it being released as a single, it isn't exactly new. In fact, I voted it the best song of 2006 in my end of year countdown! At the time I wrote:

To fully appreciate this song, it helps to know a bit about Toy's life story - that she married a psychotic gangster who beat her up, drugged her, cut her off from her family and generally made her a worldwide laughing stock. La Toya wrote this song about growing up with the Jacksons and missing them during her time in exile. The result is a bittersweet ballad, which is reminiscent of Michael's "Childhood" - only good.

I feel a bit bad about that final sentence now but I stand by it. "Home" stands toe to toe with anything her siblings have recorded. It's a tender love letter to Havenhurst and has only become more poignant in light of recent events. The line about missing Joker (Toy's nickname for Michael) is so incredibly sad. You can hear the new single edit over at Bungalow Records. I prefer the four and half minute version that leaked in 2006 but it's still a triumph. No comment on the toytastic artwork (above) though!

I really hope the song is treated fairly. Insecure Janet fans are already questioning the timing of Toy's comeback - calling it tacky and tasteless but as Michael would say, that's ignorant. While Damita Ho sits on her couch eating donuts and watching anal porn, La Toya has been bravely investigating the circumstances of her brother's death. It's only right that the family looks to her for solace in their time of need and hopefully "Home" does the trick. The 28th is still three weeks away, so check out this amazing promo in the meantime. Be warned, this footage has been known to generate explosive toygasms!

Michael Jackson - A Tribute

Michael Jackson was the Peter Pan of pop, the man who refused to grow old. It seems completely unfair that something as unremarkable as a heart attack should put an end to a magnificent career that survived scandal after scandal relatively intact. Unlike the majority of increasingly macabre media reports currently flooding the internet, I refuse to focus on the tragic side of Michael's life. The King of Pop clearly had his demons but he achieved more by the time he was 10 than most of us will accomplish in a lifetime. Instead, I'd like to pay tribute to an amazing artist by writing about my brief stint as one of his many devoted disciples. My love for Michael's music might have waned over the years but he never lost my admiration.

In the mid-80s my family finally got around to buying a VCR and one of the first videos we owned was "Thriller". I have no idea who chose it but I'm guessing it was my older sister. The clip was frightening stuff for a 5 year old and I had nightmares for a week. However, as I got older, it became one of my favourites and I watched that battered VHS compulsively. "Thriller" got me hooked on Michael and by the time "Bad" was released in 1987, I was already a loyal fan. More than twenty years have passed but I still remember purchasing the cassette with my pocket money and literally playing it until the tape broke. I listened to the album today and it isn't quite the masterpiece I remember. While "Bad" doesn't match the brilliance of "Off The Wall" or "Thriller", it's so intricately connected with my childhood memories that I find it hard to be objective. There's a bit of filler but time has been very kind to "Man In The Mirror", "Smooth Criminal" and "The Way You Make Me Feel".

I discovered Stock Aitken Waterman in the late 80s and my musical taste evolved radically (many would say in the wrong direction). By the time "Dangerous" was released in 1991, I had already lost interest in Michael. That's not to say I gave up on him entirely. Once you've caught the Havenhurst bug, there's no going back. Instead, I increasingly focused my attention on his fabulous siblings. My undying love for La Toya is pretty well known but I keep my admiration for Rebbie, Jackie, Jermaine, Marlon and Randy on the downlow. I'm starting to ramble now but I just don't know how to end this post without sounding completely trite or overly dramatic. I guess I just want to thank Michael for being the soundtrack to so many happy childhood memories. My deepest condolences to his family and army of faithful fans.

La Toya's Japanese Duet

It's been three long months since the high priestess of pop last graced Pop Trash Addicts and I'm starting to have serious withdrawals. People always think I'm being ironic when I write about La Toya but I honestly can't imagine life without her fabulous flops. Over the past few years I've paid tribute to most of them with one glaring exception - Toy Toy's stunning 1987 duet with Japanese "superstar" Jed. Say what you like about the thinking man's Jackson but you have to admit it takes a special talent to sing out of tune in two languages simultaneously! "Yes, I'm Ready" isn't La Toya's finest moment but it definitely ranks as one of the funniest.

"Yes, I'm Ready" was unleashed on the unsuspecting Japanese public in early 1987, not long after Toy's infamous duet with Cerrone. You think she would have learnt her lesson after that (admittedly fabulous) debacle but I'm pretty sure the Duchess of dance was just happy to be working. There's not a lot I can tell you about La Toya's foxy duet partner - Jed appears to have been a complete nobody. In fact, as far as I can tell, "Yes, I'm Ready" was his first and last recording. The poor guy obviously decided to quit while he was ahead! If anybody has any information on this international man of mystery, please get in touch.

As for the song, it's a surprisingly faithful cover of Barbra Mason's classic 60s pop hit - only with the occasional verse sung in Japanese! Toy Toy's pronunciation apparently leaves a lot to be desired but she gets through it with her dignity somewhat intact. As for Jed, I'm guessing he's not a native speaker either. The result is one hell of an amusing trainwreck. However, it's not all bad. I love the toygasmic chorus and the minimal production allows you to hear La Toya's beautiful voice in all its exquisite glory. If you think you can cope with this much fabulousness check out the magic of "Yes, I'm Ready" below (you might have to press the button twice):

Yes, I'm Ready


In another toytastic development, fans have created a petition to get "Startin' Over" released. The album has been gathering dust for almost 7 years, so I think Dannii has a better chance of scoring a worldwide smash hit than Toy's opus has of seeing the inside of a record store. Life as a Toy Soldier is never easy!

La Toya & Cerrone - Oops, Oh No!

I wish I never got out of bed today. From the moment I woke up, everything that could go wrong did go wrong - until about 5 minutes ago when something miraculous happened. I was moping around, drowning my sorrows and generally feeling sorry for myself when La Toya's amazing duet with Cerrone popped up on my iPod shuffle. It was as if I had been touched by an extremely fabulous angel. Through the power of her stunning 1986 flop, Goddess Toy reached out to me in my hour of need and made everything seem alright. This post is written in her honour.

There isn't a lot of information about "Oops, Oh No!", which is surprising given the high profile of Toy Toy's duet partner. Cerrone is a living legend, having been one of the most influential musicians of the entire disco movement - bagging 5 Grammy Awards and selling over 30 million records. I guess La Toya was hoping Cerrone's Midas touch would rub off on her but in true Toy fashion, it didn't. The single was released hot on the heels of her 4th album, "Imagination", and suffered a similar fate, failing to chart anywhere. It's a shame because "Oops, Oh No!" is an absolute gem. From the opening pan pipe sound effects (on the LP Version at least), the track unfolds as a weird and wonderful slice of experimental pop music circa 1986. Synths collide with urban beats against a dazzling electronic back drop to create a burst of instant happiness. The lyrics are really secondary to the music but the chorus is very cute and I love the way that Toy's voice completely overshadows Cerrone's. However, my favourite bit is the toygasmic scream at the two minute mark. Bliss! Confusingly, the edits are all radically different but my favourite is the LP Version and that's the mix I have streaming:

Oops, Oh No!


"Oops, Oh No!" was given a second chance at life five years after its initial release when the song was re-issued in Holland - without Cerrone's vocals! In fact, the Dutch version basically bins the entire song apart from the chorus, which is roughly placed over a fairly uninspiring house track. Amazingly, it became one of Toy's only hits - climbing all the way to #30 on the Dutch club charts! I vastly prefer the original but this has some nice moments including a classy piano solo. Words can't adequately express how much I miss La Toya. May she return from reality TV hell to further enrich our lives with her own unique brand of musical genius in the not too distant future.

Deluded Fans - An Anthropological Study

I have spent more than my fair share of time trawling the internet for pop news over the past few years and I'm constantly amused and entertained by the loopy fans I come across each and every day. Interacting with these delicate creatures can be confronting if you don't know what to expect, so I've put together a beginner's guide for newcomers. Here are my cheat notes for fruitful interaction with ten of the most bewildering and unique species of fan currently inhabiting cyberspace (in order of their level of delusion).

10. Mariah's Lambs

The first group of dedicated fans to be dragged under the Pop Trash microscope belong to Mariah. Their nickname originates from Mimi's habit of referring to friends, family and her small army of pharmacists as "lambs" - a label her fans now use as a badge of honour. These critters tend to be as warm and lovely as their animal namesake. Like Mariah, I suspect most Lambs are too high on Vicodin to chat about more than fairies and rainbows. Other happy topics include Mariah's record 18 US #1 hits and her titanic albums sales.

Delusion Factor: Moderate. According to The Lambs, Mariah was robbed of an Oscar for her work in "Glitter" and her albums never flop. They're just really HUGE in Japan.

Warning: Any mention Tommy Motola of Jennifer Lopez tends to throw these otherwise peaceful beings completely over the edge. They will start to cry and begin reciting chart statistics from the 90s, so tread carefully!

9. Toy Soldiers

As a loud and proud Toy Soldier, it's hard to be objective about this delightful species. Outsiders might have a completely different perspective but I find La Toya's long suffering fans to be both down to earth and downright hilarious. Our holy icon has never had a hit single in her 30 year career, so we're extra careful about throwing stones in our lovely glass house. Instead of bitching about other divas, we concentrate on loftier pursuits like making stunning fan art (above) and tracking down Toy collectibles from her major markets like Uganda and Romania.

Delusion Factor: Medium. Even the most ardent Toy Soldier is realistic about La Toya's shortcomings but we're still waiting with baited breath for her comeback album - 7 long years later.

Warning: Any mention of La Toya's much less talented sister Janet is like feeding red cordial to a child with ADHD. Avoid at all costs or face the consequences!

Leona has never, ever copied Mariah!

8. Leona's Loons

A relatively new but disturbing blight on internet fandom is the emergence of Leona's Loons. It's hard to imagine such a useless waste of space could actually warrant a fanbase but Leona's nausea inducing mediocrity is apparently some kind of inaudible siren's call to the mentally unbalanced. Popular activities include importing international editions of "Spirit" and bashing Alexandra Burke. Although it's hard to blame them for the second activity.

Delusion Factor: High. Leona's Loons deny all comparisons with Mariah, claim their horse faced leader has a better voice than any other diva in existence and rebuke insinuations that Simon Cowell played any role in their idol's success.

Warning: Excessive exposure to this bunch is enough to drive anyone to drink.

7. The Brit Bots

The average Brit Bot is a harmless homosexual with a soft spot for washing down a bag of Cheetos with a super-sized Diet Coke. While fairly innocuous as individuals, the Brit Bots are almost unbearably annoying when they come together as a collective. The level of denial on display would throw Dr Phil into a coma. The Bots steadfastly refuse to see Britney as anything other than a perennial victim of circumstance. The paparazzi are blamed for making her fat, crazy and constantly pregnant. At least they're usually too busy discussing Britney's brand of anti-depressants to bother other fan groups.

Delusion Factor: High. According to the Bots - Britney never mimes, she just sings over a backing track! Her photos are never airbrushed and she's still a great role model for girls.

Warning: Christina Aguilera fans are not exactly welcomed with open arms. You've been warned!

Janet - The picture of class and dignity

6. Janatics/Janazis

Janatics are the Tasmanian Tigers of the internet. After three flop albums, Janet's fans are a dying breed. Unfortunately, the leftovers tend to be humourless Jackson obsessives in their twilight years or truly deluded individuals who claim "Discipline" was a worldwide smash hit. Both groups are dull but generally inoffensive, unlike the nasty sub-species of Janet fandom known as the Janazis. These charmers spend their days sowing voodoo dolls in JT's image and get their kicks spamming other Jackson fansites.

Delusion Factor: Sky high. Common cries include - Janet is still at the top of her game. Her last 3 albums were all massive and if they weren't, then it's Jermaine Dupri's fault for giving all the best songs to Mariah. Janet is not and has never been fat. She's never had lipo or any other plastic surgery. Her songs are completely age appropriate and Nipple-gate was all Justin Timberlake's fault.

Warning: Prolonged exposure to this crowd can result in a complete break with reality. A general Jackson fansite is a better option for level headed Janet fans.

5. Al Kylieda

I don't know what happened to Kylie fans. We were such a fun, tight-knit bunch before "Fever" exploded and the dregs of society started flooding into Kylie fan sites across the internet. Appreciating the performer and her music has been replaced by constant bitching and an overwhelming sense of negativity. To combat this dire situation, many formerly balanced fans have become overly militant, resulting in the formation of Al Kylieda. These diehards live in a bubble (ie. Kylie.com) where any kind of criticism is completely taboo. As far as Al Kylieda is concerned, the elder Minogue farts liquid gold and rides a pink unicorn to and from the studio each day.

Delusion Factor: Extreme. Members of Al Kylieda have been known to throw themselves in front of Kylie's limo to get autographs (I think she should just keep driving) and spend hours comparing their Kylie tattoos. Strangely, none of them seem to believe in actually paying money for their idol's music.

Warning: If you want to sharpen your bitch claws, head over to your nearest Kylie fansite and start spewing bile. You'll never be lonely.


4. GA-yers

GA-yers, or cunts as I like to call them, are the sorry souls who worship at the altar of Girls Aloud. This sad species can be divided into two separate groups. The first is mainly comprised of teenage gays who simply don't know any better. They pollute forums across the internet with text speak conversations like:

GA-yer1: "OMG Nicola iz tha best!"
GA-yer2: "Soz thats deffo Cheryl!"

The second group is far more insidious. Comprised mainly of aging homosexuals desperate to jump on any kind of pop bandwagon, this sub-species tries to justify their disingenuous actions by hailing Girls Aloud as the saviours of pop and throw around terms like "cutting edge innovators". I blame Pop Justice.

Delusion Factor: Frightening. Anyone who thinks these 5 slappers are anything but puppets of a once great production house needs medical attention.

Warning: GA-yers are becoming increasing unavoidable. I find posting this link tends to throw them off your scent.

Still the girl next door... to the plastic surgeon

3. Brainless Breltas (from the Cult of Dulta)

A Brelta is a highly disturbed individual who pledges allegiance not only to Dulta but also to her equally vile fiance, Brian McFadden. These poor creatures live in a world where your worth is judged by the number of photos you have with Dulta and how many copies of "Innocent Eyes" you own. Multiple purchases of each new release are not only looked upon favourably but expected. Outsiders are generally treated with complete mistrust and any criticism of Dulta or her porky Irishman will result in an instant fight.

Delusion Factor: Through the roof. A group of fans once got together to record a rendition of "Wind Beneath My Wings" for Dulta. Enough said.

Warning: Kerry Katona fans need not apply.

Madonna - a natural beauty according to her trolls

2. Madonna Trolls

Madonna Trolls are the great travellers of the internet. While most crazy fans are happy to remain among their own kind, Madge worshippers take great delight in rounding up new recruits and spend most of their time causing trouble on websites and forums dedicated to other divas. Interestingly, American Madonna trolls hold a special grudge against Mariah, while their English counterparts tend to focus their attention on Kylie. Camouflaged trolls can be distinguished by the speed with which they say "Madonna did it first".

Delusion Factor: Massive. They steadfastly believe that Madonna is the only diva capable of an original thought and deny all claims of plastic surgery. One Troll memorably put her new cheekbones down to pilates.

Warning: The Trolls have low standards. Anyone capable of listening to "Hard Candy" more than once will probably have a ball with them.

1. Dannii Droids

And the award for the most deluded fanbase on the internet goes to the Dannii Droids. The younger, more talented Minogue is clearly a diva worthy of some serious worship but the Dannii Board (the home of The Droids) is an alternate universe unto itself. This is a place where Dannii's next single is always a sure fire #1 hit and Nafensays is looked upon as a holy deity for drip feeding the occasional piece of useless information. I'm constantly amazed that such a lovely diva can appeal to so many deranged individuals.

Delusion Factor: Nuclear. Favourite conspiracy theories - Kylie has been sabotaging Dannii's career from the start. Kylie got cancer to ruin Dannii's career. Kylie returned from having cancer to ruin Dannii's career. Dannii is a bigger star than Madonna in Australia because Dannii's biggest flop charted higher than Madonna's biggest flop. For a full expose on the Droids, check out Jay's riveting post on Postcards From Puerto Rico.

Warning: If you have a shred of independent thought, steer well clear of the Droids and their playground for the mentally ill.

Warning: Toygasmic Video!

Dear friends,

As many of you may already know, the legendary La Toya Jackson is currently gracing the UK Celebrity Big Brother house - the highlights of which have been captured in the toygasmic video above. I've watched on with boundless pride as my beloved goddess has warmed even the hardest of hearts with her humility, sweet nature, stunning talent and exquisite beauty. In return for filling your empty lives with joy and laughter, I implore you to vote for Toy Toy. After 9 flop albums and no hits over a thirty year career, isn't it about time this poor bitch finally experienced some success?

Mike

X

La Toya (88) - A Retrospective

Holy Toy Toy's recent entry into the UK Celebrity Big Brother house has re-ignited my passion for the thinking gay's Jackson. It's not that I ever fell out of love with La Toya but after years of slightly obsessive worship, the duchess of dance and I went our separate ways in 2008. In retrospect, I was suffering from major fan fatigue. The 6 year (and counting!) wait for "Startin' Over" became increasingly frustrating and ultimately overwhelmed my adoration for the woman. I've since come to terms with the fact that La Toya's brilliant pop comeback will probably never happen and that's ok. While our stunning goddess frees the world by bringing some much needed glamour to drab bedsits across the United Kingdom, I'd like to pay tribute to one of the most amazing albums in Toy Toy's back catalogue, 1988's remarkable "La Toya". Please note - to fully understand this post the uninitiated may need to consult my La Toya dictionary.

While not my favourite toytastic opus (that honour goes to 1984's jaw droppingly brilliant "Heart Don't Lie"), "La Toya" is arguably Toy Toy's most intriguing release. To put things in context, by 1988 Michael's most beautiful and talented sister had already spent the best part of a decade trying to make her mark on the music industry - with very little success. Her first four albums flopped abysmally (despite containing some of the best pop tunes of the early 80s) and to rub salt into her wounds, Janet had just struck chart gold with "Control". The great irony being that La Toya was initially considered the most likely female Jackson to succeed by both her family and music insiders alike. I can only imagine her frustration. "La Toya" must have felt like Toy's last throw of the dice and our girl pulled out all the stops by hiring the hottest producers and songwriters of the day. Full Force, Stock Aitken Waterman and Harold Faltermeyer all contribute to the album. The result is a wonderful time capsule of late 80s pop music. It doesn't always gel (half the songs are funky R'n'B, while the rest is best described as perky Eurohouse) but it's never, ever boring. Here is my review:


You're Gonna Get Rocked!

Alright!
For those of you who didn't believe, roll up ya sleeves
And if you're hangin' (cool) and if you're not (leave)
Cause La Toya is throwin' down with her new sound (in full effect)
So give me some respect (or we'll put you in check)
So kick it off boys, it's time to get correct!

So begins one of the most legendary and iconic song introductions in the history of modern music. "You're Gonna Get Rocked" not only contains the best intro of the 80s, it also put the world on notice that La Toya had undergone a radical makeover - music and image wise. The pleasant soul and bubblegum pop of her previous albums had been replaced with a funky new urban sound, while Toy's girl next door look was completely re-vamped into something resembling a transgender hooker. The sky high hair paired with her flattering bedazzled bra and leather jacket ensemble continues to inspire drag queens to this very day. Thankfully, the music matched the dizzying heights of Toy's new image.

"You're Gonna Get Rocked" is a sizzling production courtesy of Full Force - one of the most successful production teams of the past 25 years. These legends first came to prominence in the mid-80s due to their ground breaking work with Lisa Lisa & The Cult Jam and have since gone on to work with everyone from Britney Spears to Rihanna. Unlike some of the other collaborators on the album (ie. Stock Aitken Waterman), Full Force really brought their A game. Like much of the music from that era, "You're Gonna Get Rocked" sounds frightfully dated now but at the time it was a positively revolutionary mix of rap and pop sounds that skillfully pays homage to Queen's "We Will Rock You" without ripping them off. The song actually performed quite well by our La Toya's low standards - becoming a stunning #42 chart smash in New Zealand and #90 mega-hit in the United Kingdom. Make sure you get correct by watching the breathtaking video (below) or I'll put you in check! La Toya shows fat Janet who's really nasty!

You Blew

Not the ode to flatulence that the title may suggest, "You Blew" is actually another attitude filled urban jam sensationally produced by Full Force. To be honest, this is perhaps the closest La Toya ever came to borrowing the Jam & Lewis sound on "Control". However, Toy Toy takes the song to an entirely new level with her gorgeous vocals, a pristine chorus and this hot rap:

What, did I stutter?
Check it out (butter)
Broken hearts can mend, friend
But don't depend on this 'Toy'
To give you what you want, boy!

Not to mention, this classic line:

Just like your brother used to say - I want you back!

"You Blew" contains everything Toy Soldiers have come to treasure. Dodgy plays on the word "Toy" (her nickname) and shameless references to her more famous family members! The song was released as a single in some parts of Europe but in typical Toy style, it failed to chart anywhere.


Such A Wicked Love

To my mind, there are two perfect pop tracks on "La Toya". One is the Stock Aitken Waterman produced "Just Say No", the other is this exquisite anthem. While the previous Full Force productions admirably tried to imbue Miss Toy with urban credibility, "Such A Wicked Love" stays true to her pop roots and is all the better for it. Everything about this track is perfection - the combination of crisp beats, wonderful 80s sound effects, a glorious chorus, catchy hooks ("scratch my back") and rich backing vocals all result in a 5 minute screaming Toygasm that will keep you coming back to this classic again and again. I've always maintained that La Toya has a deceptively beautiful voice and Full Force really knew how to showcase it. "Such A Wicked Love" was remixed and released as a 12" single in America but - you guessed it - it was a massive flop. Check out Toy Toy's amazing "live" version below. Note the amazing male dancers!

Not Giving Up On Love

"Not Giving Up On Love", the fourth and final Full Force contribution to "La Toya", is a charming - if unspectacular - 80s ballad saved from mediocrity by another amazing intro.

Male Voice: Hey baby, I know things haven't been going easy for us lately
but I want you to know that I love you and I think that you're a beautiful person. La Toya, we make beautiful love together!

Toy Toy: Yeah, I know but more important than that, we've got to get ourselves together. Now I know you mean it but if we truly love each other we can't give up!

Seriously, Shakespeare couldn't come up with this shit! As for the rest of the song, it's pleasant enough and proves once and for all that La Toya can hold a tune. I'd describe this as very satisfying filler.

If I Could Get To You (Featuring John Pagano)

I really think Toy should release a compilation of her fabulous duets. The great woman has shared a recording booth with both the sublime (Michael Jackson, Musical Youth and Cerrone) and the ridiculous (Janet, Tom Beser, Lee Greenwood and Jed). Regardless of her partner, the final product is always memorable. I'd never heard of John Pagano before listening to "If I Could Get To You" and to be honest, I haven't heard from him since. Working with La Toya is usually the kiss of death for most musicians, so I was surprised to learn that John is still making music - touring with the legendary Burt Bacharach, no less. He's also still a total fox. As for "If I Can Get To You" - it's an 80s R'n'B ballad by the numbers. Nothing extraordinary but still well produced (by Bobby Hart) and impressively performed.

Turn On The Radio

I mentioned earlier that "La Toya" is the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde of pop albums. The first five tracks are squarely aimed at the American market, while the remainder explore European pop trends. "Turn On The Radio" is the handy work of iconic German producer Harold Faltermeyer - best known for the 80s smash "Axel F" and for his work with the Pet Shop Boys (he co-produced their 1990 album "Behaviour"). "Turn On The Radio" is typical Flatermeyer, heavily synthesized and very catchy. I love the strange percussion effects and the cute chorus. This reminds me a little of the great pop songs that Sheena Easton was churning out in the mid-80s. I always thought "Turn On The Radio" would have made an interesting single in Europe but it was ignored in favour of the Stock Aitken Waterman produced tracks. Given Toy Toy's luck, it would have flopped like everything else she has ever released.

Just Say No

You know that a song is TRASH when it's looked down on by La Toya fans. Our high threshold for low brow entertainment is legendary! As much as it pains me to disagree with my fellow Toy Soldiers, I find the general disapproval of "Just Say No" bewildering. As far as I'm concerned, Toy Toy's relentlessly upbeat anti-drug anthem is not only the crowning jewel of "La Toya" but one of her career highlights. I would even go as far as declaring "Just Say No" one of my all time favourite Stock Aitken Waterman productions. While I generally get the feeling that La Toya was dished out the songs that Kylie & Co. had already rejected, "Just Say No" was custom made to be the theme song of Nancy Reagan's anti-drugs campaign. Instead of going for something appropriately hard hitting, the Hit Factory shat out a gloriously cheerful ditty with some of the campest lyrics of the 80s - my favourite line being "don't let them guide you, don't put that stuff inside you!" It seems only the most hardcore crap connoisseurs can truly appreciate this exquisite dish.

Does It Really Matter

While the Euro-pop songs on "La Toya" are mostly quite conventional, Steve Harvey's magnificent "Does It Really Matter" is the exception. This 6 minute opus is an early example of the house movement sweeping the UK in the late 80s. If this had been released a couple of years later, it would have been lapped up by dance fans. Unfortunately, Toy Toy was ahead of her time - as usual. I love this crazy mess. The tinny beats and quirky sound effects have dated badly but the chorus and careful production are still a lot of fun. This was the B-side to "You're Gonna Get Rocked" and just about every other floptastic single lifted from "La Toya".

(Tell Me) He Means Nothing To You At All

The album concludes with two Stock Aitken Waterman productions. The first, "(Tell Me) He Means Nothing To You At All", is fucking dreadful. That might sound harsh but in 1987 (when this was recorded) the Hit Factory were at the very peak of their game and this shit simply isn't up to scratch. Hell, Mandy Smith would have turned up her nose at "(Tell Me) He Means Nothing To You At All"! It's clear what SAW were trying to achieve with the song - instead of going with their usual carefree bubblegum pop, they tried to imitate a more American sound but failed miserably. There is no melody, the chorus is unbearably clunky and the production plods along like a drunken whore. "(Tell Me) He Means Nothing To You At All" was a single in France. And quelle surprise - nobody bought it.


(Ain't Nobody Loves You) Like I Do

Happily, "La Toya" ends on a high with a much more satisfying contribution from Stock Aitken Waterman. "(Ain't Nobody Loves You) Like I Do" is the forgotten gem of the Hit Factory's canon of great pop music. This really should have been the album's first single in the UK. The song is effortlessly catchy, upbeat and lovingly produced. Most importantly, this effort captures the essence of La Toya with its fun lyrics and general fabulousness. If you're a Stock Aitken Waterman devotee, you really need this in your collection. I slightly prefer "Just Say No" due to its unprecedented trashiness but this is much more mainstream and provides a perfect example of what La Toya is capable of when she works with decent producers. "(Ain't Nobody Loves You) Like I Do" was a released as a single everywhere in Europe except Britain. Poor Toy Toy finally experienced some $ucce$$ when this hit the top 20 - of the German dance chart. Oh well. I highly recommend watching the craptastic video (below), which only leaked in 2007. It's a brilliant reminder of everything great about the 80s. Much like this sadly underappreciated album.

Toy Toy's Trashy Duet

It's time for a trash flashback! With the release of "Thriller 25" and the impending arrival of Janet's latest porn soundtrack, I've got to thinking about my favourite Jackson - holy Toy Toy. People always think I'm being sarcastic when I declare my love for La Toya but I'd easily rank her as one of my 10 favourite divas - top 5 if the lazy bitch would hurry up and release something new. As a pop trash icon, Toy's fabulousness is unparalleled. While other divas have thrown in the towel, La Toya has weathered a 30 year career of flops and failures with the determination of a mule. None of Toy Toy's 10 stunning albums have produced any hits but she keeps on rolling with the punches. Today I'm going to focus on one of Toy's most outrageous career lows - her trashtastic duet with Tom Beser, "Don't Break My Heart".

By 1997 La Toya was at an all time low (even by her standards). She had finally escaped from an abusive husband only to discover that she was a virtual leper in the US. So La Toya turned to Europe, where she could still trade off her surname. Never one to take a lucky break, poor Toy Toy ended up on the books of Tom Beser - a German producer of some disrepute. Tom tried to drum up publicity by claiming he had sex with Toy and allegedly conned her into a German club tour on the pretext of carrying out charity work. La Toya eventually came to her senses and left the project. Most producers would have called it a day but Tom pressed ahead, releasing their duet in 1998. To cover the absence of his duet partner, Tom simply hired a La Toya impersonator for live appearances!

Amazingly, "Don't Break My Heart" isn't a complete disaster. In fact, far from it. I love the tacky Euro-pop production and La Toya's stunning vocals are always sweet music to my ears. The whole damn thing is actually pretty catchy. The chorus is great and Tom's mind boggling "rap" is more amusing than it is embarrassing. I can't help but feel "Don't Break My Heart" would have at least been a small hit without Tom's unusual approach to promotion. Fans of cheap and cheerful Euro-pop should find a lot to like about this trashy gem. Enjoy!