Keeley Hazell - Voyeur

Bow down to Keeley Hazell, the UK's new queen of pop! Seriously, where has this tragic bitch been all my life? Keeley, currently the 3rd sexiest woman alive according to FHM magazine, is an English "glamour model" best known for her massive knockers. However, that's all about to change with the release of her stunning debut single "Voyeur". From now on this shy maiden will be known for her huge tits - and her appalling voice! Not that "Voyeur" is a bad song by any means. In fact, I think it's a trash classic in the making. Keeley "sings" naughty lyrics in a robotic voice against a backing track that desperately apes Bloodshy & Avant. The result is something akin to Britney Spears, only with a sense of humour and some charisma. Then there's the saucy video, which basically involves Keeley rolling around in bed in various states of undress. Classy! Unfortunately, there's only a one minute preview of the film clip (check it out below) doing the rounds in order to prevent perverts whacking it on their Ipods. Make sure you help fund Keeley's fabulous music career by downloading the song from 7digital. Sadly, there are no plans for a physical release as yet but I'll keep on praying for a 12" picture disc!

U-Turn (Burn Motherfucker Burn)

Valentine's Day is a cruel and unusual punishment for those getting over a bad relationship. Since kicking my ex-boyfriend to the curb, I've bounced from one loser to the next. I'm sure there are some decent men left in Sydney but I'm damned if I can find them among the fetishists, drug dealers and "straight acting" bi-guys littering the scene. Excuse my rant but it's hard to get excited about a day that celebrates romance when you know you're going to end up a barren, old spinster like Kylie! I can deal with the loved up couples and the knowledge that the only cock I'll be getting my hands on tonight is my own but hearing sappy love songs on the radio all day is more than I can stand. Thankfully there is a perfect antidote to the schmaltzy ballads in the form of Samantha Malmgren's stunning "U Turn".

"U Turn" was recommended to me by the lovely Poster Girl, who correctly assumed that Samantha's classy anthem would be right up my alley! As far as I'm concerned, the demure Ms Malmgren is the most fabulous diva to emerge from Sweden since my beloved Bionda. After crashing out of Swedish Idol, Sam followed the well worn road of many a tragic diva and got her kit off for a men's magazine (in her case, the charmingly titled "Slitz"). Samantha's raunchy image resulted in a record deal and she is currently shaking up the Swedish pop scene with her breathtaking debut single. "U Turn" is an attitude laden pop gem. I love the foulmouthed chorus ("burn, motherfucker, burn"!) and Sam's emotionless delivery. Apart from helping the bitter and disenchanted through Valentine's Day, "U Turn" also happens the best workout song I've heard in ages. That pumping dance beat makes me want to move! The video is particularly amusing - Sam discovers her boyfriend cheating on her so she takes up boxing, prances around in a leather bodysuit and heads to his house with a samurai sword. The big finale is ambiguous but I think she takes that cheating scumbag out!

I have no idea if "U-Turn" was a hit - or has even been officially released in Sweden - but apparently Samantha is promoting the song at erotic festivals held by "Slitz" magazine! This fierce bitch had better hurry up and release an album. I'm hooked! Many thanks to Poster Girl for sharing this musical triumph with me.

2 Very Trashy Girls!

I've been obsessed with 2 Girls ever since my lovely friend Lexy sent me the link to their jaw-droppingly craptastic "Fallin' Angels" video clip (below). I was immediately smitten by the tacky production and incompetent "special effects", not to mention their disturbingly robotic vocals and tragic dancing ability. However, I became seriously hooked when I realised that these stunning divas were the daughters of Z-grade movie icon Judy Landers and thus, nieces of the delightful Audrey Landers - one of my favourite 80s pop stars! Lindsey and Kristy obviously inherited their phenomenal talent from the Landers' family gene pool but they still have a lot to learn from their fierce mother and auntie (pictured above). Where is the obligatory faux lesbian Playboy photoshoot for Landers siblings? The wooden acting? The fabulously inane lyrics about Spanish beaches? With their indisputable pedigree, I have no doubt 2 Girls will display all of these endearing qualities in their next big budget extravaganza and I, for one, can not wait!

Learn more about these goddesses on their Myspace. Unfortunately I can't find a lot of information about the release of "Fallin' Angels". It appears the lovely ladies have released an album exclusive to US Target stores and American iTunes but there are no details regarding an international version. If anyone knows where I get an MP3 of this masterpiece, I would be eternally grateful! The fabulousness of 2 Girls has inspired me to work on a post about Audrey Landers. Stay tuned!

Hannah's Dodgy Dealings

One of the best posts to emerge from the short lived but highly amusing Pop Trash Addicts forum honoured Hannah - a one "hit" wonder who garnered a degree of notoriety when it was revealed that her mum bought her a chart placing by purchasing several hundred copies of Hannah's debut single, "No Relief". This Sydney Morning Herald article outlines the situation in greater detail and it still fascinates me.

I can't help but feel sorry for Hannah. She was an utterly craptastic pop star but she tried really hard. I remember Hannah performing at shopping centres all over Sydney and I have a vague recollection of her miming to "No Relief" in a car park! As you can see from the scan, I rescued my beaten up copy of "No Relief" from a Big W bargain bin and it was $1 well spent. The song is not a masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination but it holds up as an enjoyable piece of pop fluff - albeit with really bad lyrics and dodgy vocals! I wonder what happened to Hannah. I hope there was some kind of silver lining to her ordeal.