Olivia's Lost Classic - Best Of My Love

The incredible global success of Cher's "Believe" inspired a small army of gay icons to jump on the dance bandwagon. Diana Ross released the exquisite "Not Over You Yet", while Tina Turner dusted off her dancing shoes for the delicious "When The Heartache Is Over". Even Engelbert Humperdinck got in on the act, raising the bar for popular music with his amazing Dance Album! As undeniably fabulous as those offerings are, my favourite slice of middle-aged diva dance pop is undoubtedly Olivia Newton-John's unreleased masterpiece, "Best Of My Love".

Recorded in 2001 with her nephew Brett Goldsmith, "Best Of My Love" was supposed to herald Olivia's return to pop charts courtesy of a contemporary dance sound. At one point an entire album was planned but Olivia feared for her dignity and pulled the plug on the project. I respect Olivia's decision but I can't help but think she overreacted and robbed herself of a huge hit. Even as a work in progress, "Best Of My Love" stands out as the best thing the grande dame of Australian pop has done in over a decade. I love Olivia's new age chanting, drippy ballads and covers albums as much as the next fan but it's such a joy to hear her sing something as bright and catchy as "Best Of My Love". It would be amazing to hear a cleaned up version of this in a club - the adorable lyrics and shiny chorus positively force you to wave your arms in the air.

I really hope Olivia reconsiders her stance on dance in the future. Lovely Livvy still has the voice, stunning good looks and huge gay following to get away with it. There's nothing ridiculous about making your fans happy. Many thanks to Peibols for the fabulous mock cover!

Victoria Beckham's Stunning New Low

A couple of weeks ago I posted "My Love Is For Real" from Victoria Beckham's scrapped 2004 album and was genuinely surprised by the quality of the track. I even expressed my regret that the project was abandoned. Well, I take it all back. "My Love Is For Real" was the exception to the general rule of everything Skeletoria touches turning to shit. The poor thing is not only completely lacking in talent, she's also utterly delusional if the freshly leaked "Let My Hair Down" is any indication.

Victoria clearly wasn't satisfied with her first spectacularly unsuccessful urban makeover at the hands of Damon Dash and decided to have another stab at relaunching her career as a ghetto diva. What was the crazy bitch thinking? Dannii's "Party Jam" has more street cred than "Let My Hair Down". In fact, this sorry excuse for an urban jam is even less convincing than the two bowling balls attached to Sticky Vicky's chest. I'm not sure what's worse, the cheap production or Victoria inviting her man to "bounce" with her in da club. Bitch, please! The most disturbing thing is the fact that I have listened to this three and a half minute slice of aural torture more than once. I really am a whore for a useless diva with no discernible talent!

A big thanks to Magical Froggy for his stunning cover art!

Chloe's Lattanzi = Delicious

As Olivia Newton-John's only child, Chloe Lattanzi has been in the media spotlight since birth. Initially held up as the epitome of well-adjusted celebrity offspring, Chloe is now the poster girl for anorexia. Following Olivia's daughter over the past few years has been like watching a car crash in slow motion. I want to stop looking but I can't help myself. I don't want to focus too heavily on Chloe's many issues. They get enough coverage. I'm more interested in her fabulous and increasingly disturbing musical output. Chloe really needs to get her shit together because she has almost unlimited potential as a pop star.

Chloe's problems first came to the surface when she announced that she was going to follow in Olivia's footsteps by releasing an album. She was snapped up by Warner Australia in 2003 and soon generated a lot of buzz with her debut album, tentatively titled "Lonely Nights In Paradise". The album was completed and even promoted before Chloe pulled the plug and bought herself out of the contract, claiming she wanted greater artistic control. Since then, Chloe has been in one long tailspin - garnering more attention for her battle with anorexia and her alleged plastic surgery addiction than for her music. I think Chloe has simply buckled under the weight of expectation. I feel sorry for her. She knows she will be compared with her mother and judged more severely than other fledgling pop divas.

The great irony is that all the tracks leaked from "Lonely Nights In Paradise" have been fantastic. I'm sure the album would have been well received. Chloe has a great voice and more importantly, has something to say. Thankfully, she has continued to work on the album and it is scheduled to be released later this year with the new title, "No Pain". The first taste of her new material has caused quite a stir in Australia. "Delicious" is dark, disturbing and insanely catchy. The lyrics are genuinely confronting. Chloe sings about wasting away and pleads for help to survive. It feels perverse to say it but "Delicious" is actually a hugely enjoyable listen. The beats are hypnotic and the chorus has been stuck in my head for days. If this is any indication, "No Pain" should be an absolute winner.

"Delicious" was put up on Chloe's Myspace and is obviously a work in progress. Make sure you check out her other songs - particularly, "Magic", which samples her mother's #1 hit of the same name. Get well, girlfriend.