The PTA Blog Awards!

Welcome to the first but most probably not annual, Pop Trash Addicts Blog Awards. This is my way of celebrating the best (and worst) of pop music blogging. I was inspired to honour Blogland's over- and underachievers after reading the list of nominees for Weblog's "Best Music Blog". With the exception of the brilliant Fizzy Pop (please vote for it here), I would prefer to go down on Dulta when she's on the rag than peruse any of these too cool for school wankfests ever again. The majority specialise in deathly boring indie rock and even the "pop friendly" blogs rave endlessly about Lykke Li. Sorry but that bitch is no Dannii! Where are the fun pop blogs? The nominees are all clearly great at what they do but I'll stick to bloggers who think Fleet Foxes are fast animals and abstain from holding their own poorly attended club nights. Here are my completely subjective highlights from the weird and wonderful world of blogging in 2008:

Best New Blogs:
Postcards From Puerto Rico
Jay actually admits to buying Uncle B and posts amazing Dannii porn. I'm obsessed!
AuspOp
An invaluable resource for lovers of locally produced pop.
The Prophet
A great urban pop blog that specialises in fabulous divas like Mariah, Jennifer Lopez and La Toya Jackson.
Fabtastic
The only blog that would review Enya's Christmas album and Kevin Rudolph back to back!

Most Misleading Blog Title:
Disco Belle
I was expecting Gloria Gaynor. I got Swizz Beats & Lil Wayne.
Trash Menagerie
Lord knows, there ain't no Kelly Wilde on this über-cool blog!

Most Sorely Missed Blog:
Mobius
How I miss this fabulous shrine to all things Stock Aitken Waterman. Blogland just isn't the same without him.

Blogger On The Best Drugs:
Diva Incarnate
I absolutely worship this blogger but girlfriend needs to put the crackpipe down before getting online. On second thoughts, the Diva probably needed a strong narcotic to get through Girls Alouds' new album but his review of "Out Of Control" is, well, completely out of control. This is probably my favourite post of the year - it has to be read to be believed! My favourite quote:

Distorted reality is diluted into glistening eyes, and who better to convey unruffled dignity than the queen of utter-ness Nicola. With such static horror and ambivalence, her only way of sounding more calm would be to be dead - she sings softly, but speaks volumes.

Best Blog Concept:
Cobrastyle
My Spanish pal David (above) posts a fabulous new song every day - accompanied by a raunchy pic of himself! Truly fergalicious!

Best Blogs That Are Rarely Updated:
Tat Parade
This lazy whore needs to pull his finger out! Jamie, your blog is a truly amazing shrine to 80s has-beens and floptastic divas but I feel like I age a decade between posts. Get it together, girl!
Diva Incarnate
Every now and again this trashtastic blog blows me away with a spectacular post. The rest of the time it's as empty as Kylie's uterus.
Revolutionary Pop Music
Well, it started with a bang but the wind seems to have well and truly gone out of this ship's sails.


Best Blogs Devoted To One Artist:
Trip The Switch
The best Kylie blog on the internet. It's beautifully designed, informative and most importantly - doesn't specialise in posting illegal downloads unlike most Kylie "fan" sites.
Madonna Revelations
The sexy sluts that run this superlative site are sweet angels sent from the heavens to reveal Madonna's true evil nature to the world. Keep up the good fight, ladies!
SeptemberWeb
I highly recommend this fun blog devoted to September. This is a great source of information about one of Sweden's finest exports.

Trashiest Bloggers:
1. Jamie from Poplicious
For fellating a married Lithuanian outside a Kelly Wilde concert. Bless.
2. Fernando from Bubu's Chart Blog
This drunken whore is a hot mess. Highlights include trying to rip down the curtains at Polana (a gay nightclub in Madrid), stealing a cape (!) and vomiting over himself and everyone else he knows. Doll, I miss you more every day!
3. Tony Tornado
Tony flashes his cock so frequently it should be listed in Lonely Planet as Madrid's leading tourist attraction.

Most Disturbing Post:
Olga Loves Yuяi
I'm not overly familiar with this place but it seems like a really cute blog. However, this post gave me cold sweats and a week of sleepness nights. Please stop the insanity! They beat up black toilet attendants and wouldn't know a microphone from a dildo. My arsehole has more talent!

Best Blog Rumour:
Apparently Poster Girl is a man named Kevin. This is about as likely as Dannii's next single rocketing to #1 in 25 countries.

Best Banners:
I'll let these speak for themselves. I know it's cheeky but I included one of my own. May Dannii's Dirty Box never be forgotten!

Dannii's Dirty Box

Milk Carton Pop Stars

Madonna Revelations

Blogs After My Own Heart:
This category is dedicated to niche blogs that paddle the same trashy waters as myself. I'm glad there are so many fine resting places for floptastic divas and failed pop stars. I pay tribute to all these brave crap connoisseurs in no particular order.
Milk Carton Pop Stars
The lost property box of Blogland. These fearless trash addicts never fail to inspire me.
The Ravings Of A Mad Woman
Drag icon Deirdre is currently preoccupied with her new shemale duo Talibananarama (!) but her amazing blog is usually a haven for pure pop trash. Check out her posts on Sinitta, Mandy Smith and Hazell Dean.
The Isle Of Deserted Pop Stars
Quite simply one of the best sites on the internet but more about this gem later.

Best End Of Year Countdowns:
Pop Poster Girl
It's only half way through but this magnificent end of year countdown has me completely hooked. I just hope the eventual winner doesn't make me want to throw myself over the edge of a cliff.
DuaneMoody
Duane wrote an amazing 31 album reviews for the 31 days of December in his mammoth 'best of' countdown. A truly great read.
Scarlett's Blog
Scarlett is new to blogging but if her end of year countdowns are any indication, she'll be an old pro in no time. Um, that came out a bit wrong! Check out Scarlett's 'best of' lists here, here and here.

Best Reviews:
Adem's 'Van She' Review
My idea of a good review is something that makes you want to listen to the music yourself. My idea of a great review is a piece of writing that convinces you to check out something you suspect you're going to hate and that's exactly the effect Adem's articulate and passionate Van She review had on me. I gave the album a go despite my better judgement and was very pleasantly surprised indeed.
Disco Delivery's 'Nocturna' Review
Any of Tommy's posts could have won this award but I was particularly swept away by brilliant review of this obscure horror disco musical soundtrack. I love the way he treats an album that most people would discard as a poor excuse for landfill with the utmost respect and admiration. As a result of reading his review, I spent weeks combing through second hand shops until I found a copy and am still searching the internet for the movie. I can't think of a better compliment.
Diva Incarnate's infamous 'Girls Aloud' Review
As mentioned earlier, this is quite possibly the most hilarious piece of writing I've come across all year. I'm not even sure if the review is positive or negative (I think it's the former) but it remains an unforgettable experience. I can't wait to see what he comes up with next!

Best Blog Interview:
Don't Stop The Pop
Robpop was in a league of his own this year. His interviews with Steve Anderson (read Part 1 here and Part 2 here) and Richard Stannard (Read Part 1 here and Part 2 here) were insightful, respectful and utterly fascinating. The little nuggets of Kylie information squeezed out of both songwriters were an absolute treat for a hardcore fan like myself. I just hope Rob gets Dannii's "hitmakers" under his microscope. The world needs an indepth Terry Ronald/Ian Masterson interview!

Best Blog Writers:
D'Luv of Chart Rigger. This fabulous media whore is in high demand across the internet, spreading his unique brand of D'Luv to readers of classy sites as varied as The Daily Beast and Towleroad. One glance at Chart Rigger explains his popularity. It's sharp, funny and he uses the word "stripper" a lot.
Robpop of Don't Stop The Pop. Rob is one of the smartest people I have ever met. He's kind of like Rain Man - only without the Aspergers! The combination of that intelligence and his burning passion for pop music makes every single thing he writes an absolute delight.
Tommy of Disco Delivery. Tommy's amazing eye for detail, academic approach to research and beautiful turn of phrase make each and every post of this gorgeous blog essential reading.

Best Spanish Blogs:
Peibols
I read this blog every day and I can't speak a word of Spanish! I guess all the pics of semi-naked hunks help to overcome the language barrier. Pablo has become the ultimate diva of the Spanish blogging scene since fleeing Nicaragua on the back of a donkey in the late 90s. I love his amazing artwork (check out this beautiful comic strip) and Minogue fixation. Shame about the hideous banner currently ruining his blog!
Cobrastyle
Sexy Spaniard + hot tracks = great blog.
SuperDiscoParty
You don't need to speak a word of Spanish to understand this fabulous blog because there are no words - just clip after clip of forgotten gems from fierce divas like Sandra and CC Catch, not to mention my holy icon, Fancy.

Best Aus Blogs:
Adem With An E
Sometimes I think Adem and I have diametrically opposed taste in pop (he's part of the Girls Aloud/Madonna axis of evil) but it's never stopped me enjoying his fantastic reviews, brilliant writing or amazingly gorgeous website.
eMackinations
This blog has it all - soft porn and wonderful music! It also boasts a super hot blogger who likes to post the occasional nude picture of himself. What more could you ask for? I particularly love Johnny's recent post about Starstruck - Australia's most fabulous movie musical. Ever!
Trashtastic Aussie
One of the most sorely underappreciated blogs on the net. Natty's never ending pursuit of local trash is more addictive than crack. Check out her Top 10 trashtastic Aussie singles of 2008. Now that's what I call taste!

Best US Blogs:
Chart Rigger
From his hot lesbian soccer mum hairstyle to his copious use of the word "hooker", D'Luv rocks my world. I can't imagine life without Robbie's bitchy chart updates, banterviews or nostalgic trips down memory lane. I just wish he would drag MoogaBoo out of his dungeon lair more often.
Pop Poster Girl
I think the whole world secretly wants to make out with the lovely Poster Girl. Her encyclopedic knowledge of pop is unprecedented. This hot bitch would have me at "let me just put on some Jonathon Fagerlund".
Pop Music Notes
I'm an extremely late convert to this blog but it really is essential reading for anyone with a passing interest in pop music.

Best UK Blogs:
Don't Stop The Pop
Rob continues to stun and amaze with his searching interviews, Myspace discoveries and exquisite taste in pop music. I just wish the blog was updated with more regularity.
My Fizzy Pop
Paul's endless enthusiasm for all things pop should be medically recognised as a contagious disease. Thanks to his lovely ramblings I now know more about Simon Curtis and Same Difference than their own families. Quality.
Poplicious
This has to be the most criminally underrated blog on the net. Jamie is ten kinds of fabulous and probably the only person on earth to get lucky at a Kelly Wilde concert. I think more sultry Sanna Nielsen ballads are needed to bring in the punters!

Worst Blogs:
Electroqueer
Chances are you'll have already read about it at Fizzy Pop or Don't Stop The Pop before it graces the pages of this beautifully designed but disturbingly derivative blog.
POPtastic
I have nothing against mp3 posting blogs. That would be hugely hypocritical of me because I started off as one. However, I always drew the line at posting commercially available releases that can be easily purchased from iTunes or a record store. This blog's persistence in posting new singles and whole albums is NOT cool.
Swedesplease
If nothing else this blog proves that Scandipop can be as boring - if not more so - than anything to come out of America or the UK.

THE GRAND PRIZE FOR BEST BLOG!

Disco Delivery
My favourite pop blog of 2008 is the absolutely exquisite Disco Delivery. Brilliantly written, lovingly researched (footnotes!) and presented with equal measures of passion and humour - this gem really stands out from the crowd with its originality. Disco blogs are not unheard of but they usually stick to the mainstream divas. Tommy, on the other hand, digs up obscure acts that even fans of the genre have forgotten about or didn't know existed in the first place. Every time I visit Disco Delivery, I feel that I've not only been entertained - but also educated. The posts can be somewhat erratic in frequency but I'd prefer to wait a month for pure quality than be served up a shit sandwich every day. An absolute must read.

Runner-Up:

The Isle Of Deserted Pop Stars
I've always loved combing through second hand record stores for rough diamonds. One man's trash really is a tragic gay's treasure! Well, The Isle Of Deserted Pop Stars is the cyber equivalent of the best stocked bargain bin in history. Nasty G serves up album after album of lost freestyle classics, floptastic divas and lesbian girlbands that shocked the masses well before TATU were hatched by music executives. This is also the perfect example of a responsibe mp3 posting blog. All the music posted is decades out of print and extremely hard to find. I can't help but think that the creators of these blissful tunes would be grateful that their music is being heard and appreciated.

La Toya (88) - A Retrospective

Holy Toy Toy's recent entry into the UK Celebrity Big Brother house has re-ignited my passion for the thinking gay's Jackson. It's not that I ever fell out of love with La Toya but after years of slightly obsessive worship, the duchess of dance and I went our separate ways in 2008. In retrospect, I was suffering from major fan fatigue. The 6 year (and counting!) wait for "Startin' Over" became increasingly frustrating and ultimately overwhelmed my adoration for the woman. I've since come to terms with the fact that La Toya's brilliant pop comeback will probably never happen and that's ok. While our stunning goddess frees the world by bringing some much needed glamour to drab bedsits across the United Kingdom, I'd like to pay tribute to one of the most amazing albums in Toy Toy's back catalogue, 1988's remarkable "La Toya". Please note - to fully understand this post the uninitiated may need to consult my La Toya dictionary.

While not my favourite toytastic opus (that honour goes to 1984's jaw droppingly brilliant "Heart Don't Lie"), "La Toya" is arguably Toy Toy's most intriguing release. To put things in context, by 1988 Michael's most beautiful and talented sister had already spent the best part of a decade trying to make her mark on the music industry - with very little success. Her first four albums flopped abysmally (despite containing some of the best pop tunes of the early 80s) and to rub salt into her wounds, Janet had just struck chart gold with "Control". The great irony being that La Toya was initially considered the most likely female Jackson to succeed by both her family and music insiders alike. I can only imagine her frustration. "La Toya" must have felt like Toy's last throw of the dice and our girl pulled out all the stops by hiring the hottest producers and songwriters of the day. Full Force, Stock Aitken Waterman and Harold Faltermeyer all contribute to the album. The result is a wonderful time capsule of late 80s pop music. It doesn't always gel (half the songs are funky R'n'B, while the rest is best described as perky Eurohouse) but it's never, ever boring. Here is my review:


You're Gonna Get Rocked!

Alright!
For those of you who didn't believe, roll up ya sleeves
And if you're hangin' (cool) and if you're not (leave)
Cause La Toya is throwin' down with her new sound (in full effect)
So give me some respect (or we'll put you in check)
So kick it off boys, it's time to get correct!

So begins one of the most legendary and iconic song introductions in the history of modern music. "You're Gonna Get Rocked" not only contains the best intro of the 80s, it also put the world on notice that La Toya had undergone a radical makeover - music and image wise. The pleasant soul and bubblegum pop of her previous albums had been replaced with a funky new urban sound, while Toy's girl next door look was completely re-vamped into something resembling a transgender hooker. The sky high hair paired with her flattering bedazzled bra and leather jacket ensemble continues to inspire drag queens to this very day. Thankfully, the music matched the dizzying heights of Toy's new image.

"You're Gonna Get Rocked" is a sizzling production courtesy of Full Force - one of the most successful production teams of the past 25 years. These legends first came to prominence in the mid-80s due to their ground breaking work with Lisa Lisa & The Cult Jam and have since gone on to work with everyone from Britney Spears to Rihanna. Unlike some of the other collaborators on the album (ie. Stock Aitken Waterman), Full Force really brought their A game. Like much of the music from that era, "You're Gonna Get Rocked" sounds frightfully dated now but at the time it was a positively revolutionary mix of rap and pop sounds that skillfully pays homage to Queen's "We Will Rock You" without ripping them off. The song actually performed quite well by our La Toya's low standards - becoming a stunning #42 chart smash in New Zealand and #90 mega-hit in the United Kingdom. Make sure you get correct by watching the breathtaking video (below) or I'll put you in check! La Toya shows fat Janet who's really nasty!

You Blew

Not the ode to flatulence that the title may suggest, "You Blew" is actually another attitude filled urban jam sensationally produced by Full Force. To be honest, this is perhaps the closest La Toya ever came to borrowing the Jam & Lewis sound on "Control". However, Toy Toy takes the song to an entirely new level with her gorgeous vocals, a pristine chorus and this hot rap:

What, did I stutter?
Check it out (butter)
Broken hearts can mend, friend
But don't depend on this 'Toy'
To give you what you want, boy!

Not to mention, this classic line:

Just like your brother used to say - I want you back!

"You Blew" contains everything Toy Soldiers have come to treasure. Dodgy plays on the word "Toy" (her nickname) and shameless references to her more famous family members! The song was released as a single in some parts of Europe but in typical Toy style, it failed to chart anywhere.


Such A Wicked Love

To my mind, there are two perfect pop tracks on "La Toya". One is the Stock Aitken Waterman produced "Just Say No", the other is this exquisite anthem. While the previous Full Force productions admirably tried to imbue Miss Toy with urban credibility, "Such A Wicked Love" stays true to her pop roots and is all the better for it. Everything about this track is perfection - the combination of crisp beats, wonderful 80s sound effects, a glorious chorus, catchy hooks ("scratch my back") and rich backing vocals all result in a 5 minute screaming Toygasm that will keep you coming back to this classic again and again. I've always maintained that La Toya has a deceptively beautiful voice and Full Force really knew how to showcase it. "Such A Wicked Love" was remixed and released as a 12" single in America but - you guessed it - it was a massive flop. Check out Toy Toy's amazing "live" version below. Note the amazing male dancers!

Not Giving Up On Love

"Not Giving Up On Love", the fourth and final Full Force contribution to "La Toya", is a charming - if unspectacular - 80s ballad saved from mediocrity by another amazing intro.

Male Voice: Hey baby, I know things haven't been going easy for us lately
but I want you to know that I love you and I think that you're a beautiful person. La Toya, we make beautiful love together!

Toy Toy: Yeah, I know but more important than that, we've got to get ourselves together. Now I know you mean it but if we truly love each other we can't give up!

Seriously, Shakespeare couldn't come up with this shit! As for the rest of the song, it's pleasant enough and proves once and for all that La Toya can hold a tune. I'd describe this as very satisfying filler.

If I Could Get To You (Featuring John Pagano)

I really think Toy should release a compilation of her fabulous duets. The great woman has shared a recording booth with both the sublime (Michael Jackson, Musical Youth and Cerrone) and the ridiculous (Janet, Tom Beser, Lee Greenwood and Jed). Regardless of her partner, the final product is always memorable. I'd never heard of John Pagano before listening to "If I Could Get To You" and to be honest, I haven't heard from him since. Working with La Toya is usually the kiss of death for most musicians, so I was surprised to learn that John is still making music - touring with the legendary Burt Bacharach, no less. He's also still a total fox. As for "If I Can Get To You" - it's an 80s R'n'B ballad by the numbers. Nothing extraordinary but still well produced (by Bobby Hart) and impressively performed.

Turn On The Radio

I mentioned earlier that "La Toya" is the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde of pop albums. The first five tracks are squarely aimed at the American market, while the remainder explore European pop trends. "Turn On The Radio" is the handy work of iconic German producer Harold Faltermeyer - best known for the 80s smash "Axel F" and for his work with the Pet Shop Boys (he co-produced their 1990 album "Behaviour"). "Turn On The Radio" is typical Flatermeyer, heavily synthesized and very catchy. I love the strange percussion effects and the cute chorus. This reminds me a little of the great pop songs that Sheena Easton was churning out in the mid-80s. I always thought "Turn On The Radio" would have made an interesting single in Europe but it was ignored in favour of the Stock Aitken Waterman produced tracks. Given Toy Toy's luck, it would have flopped like everything else she has ever released.

Just Say No

You know that a song is TRASH when it's looked down on by La Toya fans. Our high threshold for low brow entertainment is legendary! As much as it pains me to disagree with my fellow Toy Soldiers, I find the general disapproval of "Just Say No" bewildering. As far as I'm concerned, Toy Toy's relentlessly upbeat anti-drug anthem is not only the crowning jewel of "La Toya" but one of her career highlights. I would even go as far as declaring "Just Say No" one of my all time favourite Stock Aitken Waterman productions. While I generally get the feeling that La Toya was dished out the songs that Kylie & Co. had already rejected, "Just Say No" was custom made to be the theme song of Nancy Reagan's anti-drugs campaign. Instead of going for something appropriately hard hitting, the Hit Factory shat out a gloriously cheerful ditty with some of the campest lyrics of the 80s - my favourite line being "don't let them guide you, don't put that stuff inside you!" It seems only the most hardcore crap connoisseurs can truly appreciate this exquisite dish.

Does It Really Matter

While the Euro-pop songs on "La Toya" are mostly quite conventional, Steve Harvey's magnificent "Does It Really Matter" is the exception. This 6 minute opus is an early example of the house movement sweeping the UK in the late 80s. If this had been released a couple of years later, it would have been lapped up by dance fans. Unfortunately, Toy Toy was ahead of her time - as usual. I love this crazy mess. The tinny beats and quirky sound effects have dated badly but the chorus and careful production are still a lot of fun. This was the B-side to "You're Gonna Get Rocked" and just about every other floptastic single lifted from "La Toya".

(Tell Me) He Means Nothing To You At All

The album concludes with two Stock Aitken Waterman productions. The first, "(Tell Me) He Means Nothing To You At All", is fucking dreadful. That might sound harsh but in 1987 (when this was recorded) the Hit Factory were at the very peak of their game and this shit simply isn't up to scratch. Hell, Mandy Smith would have turned up her nose at "(Tell Me) He Means Nothing To You At All"! It's clear what SAW were trying to achieve with the song - instead of going with their usual carefree bubblegum pop, they tried to imitate a more American sound but failed miserably. There is no melody, the chorus is unbearably clunky and the production plods along like a drunken whore. "(Tell Me) He Means Nothing To You At All" was a single in France. And quelle surprise - nobody bought it.


(Ain't Nobody Loves You) Like I Do

Happily, "La Toya" ends on a high with a much more satisfying contribution from Stock Aitken Waterman. "(Ain't Nobody Loves You) Like I Do" is the forgotten gem of the Hit Factory's canon of great pop music. This really should have been the album's first single in the UK. The song is effortlessly catchy, upbeat and lovingly produced. Most importantly, this effort captures the essence of La Toya with its fun lyrics and general fabulousness. If you're a Stock Aitken Waterman devotee, you really need this in your collection. I slightly prefer "Just Say No" due to its unprecedented trashiness but this is much more mainstream and provides a perfect example of what La Toya is capable of when she works with decent producers. "(Ain't Nobody Loves You) Like I Do" was a released as a single everywhere in Europe except Britain. Poor Toy Toy finally experienced some $ucce$$ when this hit the top 20 - of the German dance chart. Oh well. I highly recommend watching the craptastic video (below), which only leaked in 2007. It's a brilliant reminder of everything great about the 80s. Much like this sadly underappreciated album.

Best & Worst Of 2008 - The Rest

So the sun has finally set on 2008. Good fucking riddance! With the exception of Mike2008 (my trashy world tour), last year was one long pain in the arse. As usual NYE turned out to be a complete disaster and I spent the last couple of days in hospital. It wasn't all bad. You really haven't lived until you've watched 'Xanadu' under the influence of an opiate! Anyway, I'm back home now and ready to cast an eye over the cunt of a year that was.

Best Celebrity Big Brother Contestant EVER!!

Before I look back on 2008, I have to quickly mention an early highlight of 2009. La Toya, the most talented and beautiful Jackson and quite possibly the re-incarnation of Jesus himself, is inhabiting the UK "Celebrity" Big Brother house as I type. Seriously, if I had the money I would jump on the next plane to London just to watch this trash! I'm convinced the UK is about to swept up in a tidal wave of Toy Toy mania. Watch Magical Froggy's amazing promo (above) and check out La Toya's entrance into the BB house here. I can't believe how stunning our goddess looks. With any luck this publicity whoring blitz will finally result in the release of "Startin' Over" - 7 years after it was recorded! GO TOY!


Best Comeback

While I vastly prefer "Bring Ya To The Brink" to "Hurricane", Grace managed to flawlessly pick up exactly where she left off - 19 years ago! Third place goes to Vanessa Amorosi, who staged the Australian comeback of the year.

1. Grace Jones
2. Cyndi Lauper
3. Vanessa Amorosi


Worst Comeback

I miss "Blackout" Britney. Sure, she was certifiable but that alone gave her music an edge that it didn't really deserve. The new sanitised Britney is a disturbing Frankenstein pieced together by music executives. Listening to "Circus" you can almost smell the Lithium in the air! I'm glad she's got her shit together but I could do without an album of mushy ballads and a bunch of empty dance tracks that sound like rejects from "In The Zone". Oh, apparently New Kids On The Block and Boyzone also made comebacks in 2008. I couldn't care less either.

1. Britney Spears
2. New Kids On The Block
3. Boyzone


Worst Single Of The Year

Girls Aloud jump on the retro pop bandwagon a year after everyone else and shat out "The Promise". I'm sure Diana Ross pulled out her weave in disgust. If that musical fart wasn't dire enough, "The Loving Kind" provides irrefutable proof of their mediocrity. I just hope it doesn't tarnish the Pet Shop Boys' reputation beyond repair because this is low even by their recent standards. Second on my list is Alexandra Burke's vile cover of "Hallelujah". Leonard Cohen's classic is really quite hard to get wrong. Jeff Buckley's version is sensual and haunting, while KD Lang's rendition (and my personal favourite) is delicate and beautiful. Horse faced Alexandra, on the other hand, turned the song into a Mariah Carey power ballad. I blame Cheryl Cole! Speaking of X Factor sluts, Leona's repugnant cover of "Run" comes in third. When is the sphinx going to realise that over-singing every note doesn't showcase her "talent"? Someone please teach this bonehead the power of restraint and subtlety. Britney's non-song comes in 4th (I'm sorry but repeating the one word 471 times is not my idea of a hook), while Rihanna's lame and incredibly boring "Rehab" takes out 5th spot. Seriously, Ri Ri. Do us all a favour and stop milking that shit album for singles!

1. The Promise/The Loving Kind - Girls Aloud
2. Hallelujah - Alexandra
3. Run - Leona Lewis
4. Womanizer - Britney Spears
5. Rehab - Rihanna


Best Paparazzi Snap Of The Year

A pissed Dannii cruising the Dancing With The Stars backlot with her pendulous baps swinging in the breeze = solid gold. The photographer deserves a Pulitzer for this fabulous shit!


Best Girlband

The Spanish vixens win this category in a landslide. Las Supremas are the definition of pop trash! It's a tight battle for second place between South Korea's fabulous Wonder Girls and fierce Jewelry. The former win due to their incredible consistency. The UK is represented by the Sugababes (I think I'm the only person who really enjoys their latest flop album) and the very promising Red Blooded Women. Carly, you still owe me a copy of the EP signed with your tits!

1. Las Supremas De Móstoles (Above)
2. The Wonder Girls
3. Jewelry
4. Amelle & her back-up vocalists (ie. Sugababes)
5. Red Blooded Women (check out their Myspace)


Worst Girlband

Everything Girls Aloud touched in 2008 turned to shit. Nuff said. The Electric Dolls sound like The Beatles in comparison to GA but "Baps R Bakin'" is beyond hideous. PCD takes out third place due to the utter garbage that was "Doll Domination".

1. Girls Aloud
2. Electric Dolls
3. Pussycat Dolls

Best Video

It's a tie between Heidi Montag's "Overdosin'" (above) and Kylie's "All I See"! Heidi's homage to Olivia Newton-John's "Physical" is an utter joy. It's trashtastic, hilarious and completely inappropriate for the song. I love every second of it! "All I See" is another video that manages to cheer me up every time I see it. Kylie notoriously financed the clip herself and got Will Baker to film it during tour rehearsals - and it shows. The DIY special effects, craptastic choreography and the amazing sequined sheet are already things of legend in Kylie lore. Honourable mentions go to Solange's "I Decided" for the brilliant journey through black musical history, Beyonce's "Single Ladies" for the year's best dance routine and Monica Naranjo's spectacular "Amor Y Lujo" for featuring a fat tranny sitting on a solid gold toilet. Classy!

1. Overdosin' - Heidi Montage
1. All I See - Kylie

Runners-Up:

I Decided - Solange (here)
Single Ladies - Beyonce (here)
Amor y Lujo - Monica Naranjo (here)


Worst Video

The clear winner for worst music video of 2008 is Dulta's hideous "You Will Only Break My Heart". The only thing less appealing that the woman herself is watching a bunch of her demented fans miming to her crap song. These poor children will need therapy for decades. Special mention goes to Girls Aloud for their continuing commitment to shit videos and Madonna for the non-event that was "Give It To Me". Seriously, this is way cheaper than "All I See" and profoundly less enjoyable.

1. You Will Only Break My Heart - Dulta
2. The Promise/The Loving Kind - Girls Aloud
3. Give It To Me - Madonna


Best Remixer

I'm turning into a Deadmau5 groupie. Everything the Canadian DJ touches turns to gold. His remix of Gianluca Motta's "Not Alone" was my favourite dance record of 2008. A close second is the Freemasons. Yes, they're becoming a cliche but the pop world needs them to fix up every single ever released by an ex-member of Destiny's Child! Sydney's sexy Sam La More (aka Sam Littlemore) takes third courtesy of his work with Pnau, Empire Of The Sun and Sneaky Sound System. Poland's amazing WAWA deserve their 4th placing for their brilliant remix of Sugababes' "No Can Do" alone, while Melbourne's Hong Kong Blondes earn 5th spot for remixing the fuck out of CC Martini's "Double Dutch" and Empire Of The Sun's "Walking On A Dream".

1. Deadmau5
2. The Freemasons
3. Sam La More
4. WAWA
5. Hong Kong Blondes

Best Celebrity Endorsement

Australia's stunning drag superstar Courtney Act is making waves as the new face of Sheer Cover (watch an infomercial above). Who better to flog make-up than someone who makes a living wearing it? Courtney is a joy to watch. I just hope she hasn't forgotten about her pop career.

1. Courtney Act - Sheer Cover


Worst Celebrity Endorsement

I have no issue with celebrities launching their own perfumes or clothing lines (or toilet paper - you know it's only a matter of time before Kylie tries it!) but Dulta being the face of soy milk is scraping the bottom of the barrel. On a serious note, I'm actually quite disturbed that she would put her name to a product that is potentially linked to cancer - particularly when some (deranged) people look up to her as a spokeswoman for survivors of this insidious illness. Shame on you, Delta! I certainly have no problem with Axle Whitehead modelling for Marcs' clothing. He's definitely hot enough but the flasher gets a nod for explaining his involvement with this answer: "My new album is the type of album that can be played in any situation and will bring a great vibe. Chilling, partying, driving, dinner etc. Funny enough it ties in really well with this campaign, due to its versatility". What a fucking wanker! Just say you're doing it for the cash like everyone else.

1. Dulta - So Good
2. Axle Whitehead - Marcs


Best Concert

Kylie was in a league of her own as far as big budget concert spectaculars were concerned in 2008. However, Kelly Wilde's tour of tragic gay bars was just as fabulous at less than one tenth of the price! Isabel Guzman also impressed the hell out of me at Pop Justice Live (read my review here) - as did Robyn Loau at her Sydney showcase (review here).

1. X2008
1. Kelly Wilde

Runners-Up:

Isabel Guzman - Pop Justice Live
Robyn Loau - Sydney Showcase


Worst Pop Performance

Listen, we all know that Britney can't sing but you think she would at least have the decency to learn how to mime. Her performance on X Factor was simply diabolical. In her defence, at least she isn't judging a talent show - unlike Cheryl Cole who managed to be completely out of tune when Girls Aloud appeared on the show. Same Difference collect third place for their horrible miming and bad dance routine. We know they can actually sing - miming on X Factor Live just made them look ridiculous.

1. Britney on X Factor
2. Girls Aloud on X Factor
3. Same Difference on X Factor


Best Breakthrough Diva

Isabel Guzman's "Kill The Boy" EP really put the pop world on notice. I can't wait to see what the Swedish diva comes up with in 2009. On the local front, Jessica Mauboy exceeded everyone's expectations with "Been Waiting". The first single was a smash hit and the follow up looks set for the top 5. Have we finally got our very own urban diva who can actually sell records - unlike the amazing Deni Hines and Jade Macrae? Third place goes to Solange. I can't praise her highly enough. Not only was her album breathtakingly original, she somehow managed to claw her way out of Beyonce's shadow. No small accomplishment.

1. Isabel Guzman
2. Jessica Mauboy
3. Solange


Most Disappointing album

I named "Songs Of Love & Loss" my second favourite album of 2007. In retrospect, I probably should have made it equal first with "X". Tina's beautiful album is yet to leave my side. I still listen to it all the time. It's just so perfectly executed and brilliantly performed. Cut to November 2008 and Tina releases the sequel. I spent a good month trying to get into it but I just can't. The original was a work of art. "Songs Of Love & Loss 2" sounds like any other covers album - only performed by one extraordinarily good voice. It's cheap, lazy and a massive disappointment. I know I'm being really harsh. The album would be a highpoint in any other diva's career but it's just not good enough for Tina. That said, I already have tickets for her concert and can't wait to see her interpret the songs live! Other misfires were the highly anticipated Same Difference album - I really wanted to like them but the world doesn't need a pair of inbred British siblings channelling High School Musical (sorry, Paul!) - and Infernal. The latter was particularly bitter for me because I'm a huge fan. "Paris To Berlin" is one of my favourite albums of the decade. "Electric Cabaret", on the other hand, boasts two semi-decent songs. No wonder it's a massive international flop. Paw and Lina need to get back to the drawing board now!

1. Songs Of Love & Loss 2 - Tina Arena
2. Pop - Same Difference
3. Electric Cabaret - Infernal

Best Cover

I'll let these images speak for themselves!

1. Lady Fantasy - Ryan Paris (above)


2. Musica e Parole - Spagna and Berte

3. Back To Now - LaBelle

The Worst Albums Of 2008

1. Out Of Control - Girls Aloud

The white supremacist and her four hooker friends excreted their 5th studio album in 2008 and it's every bit as vile as their previous offerings. I don't even know why I bothered listening to "Out Of Control" in the first place. I've never understood the appeal of Britain's five worst vocalists or their bland, lifeless "songs" - inevitably overproduced to the point of parody by the once great Xenomania. I can't even enjoy these pop parasites on a so-bad-it's-good level anymore. That simple mercy has been squashed by their increasingly pretentious output as evidenced on "Out Of Control". I thought "The Promise" (the least convincing retro pop number of this decade or any other) was the bottom of the barrel but unfortunately the whole album is jam packed with stinking turds of equal measure. From beginning to end, this is a stomach churning succession of recycled ideas and bad execution. In a nutshell, "Out Of Control" is less appealing than Nicola's face. Without make-up.

-Infinity/10


2. Dance Love Pop - Agnes Carlsson

Not since the bad old days of Ratshit (Rachel) Stevens has one diva managed to destroy so many decent pop songs with her reed thin voice and astounding lack of personality. Agnes Carlsson is the musical equivalent of R2D2. She has no passion, no soul and no warmth. Listening to "Dance Love Pop", you could be forgiven for thinking that Agnes is completely devoid of humanity. There is, quite simply, no emotional connection to the lyrics or music. It's a shame because the album could have been quite fun if it wasn't performed by an evil robot.

0/10

3. Spirit (Deluxe Edition) - Leona Lewis

The most boring cunt in modern music embellishes her already shit album with even more soulless ballads and dreary mid-tempo jams custom made to highlight her incredibly mediocre voice and breathtaking lack of charisma. The joy.

0.5/10


4. The Circus - Take That

I was originally quite excited about the reformation of Take That until I realised that they had transformed into the boyband equivalent of James Blunt. The occasional cliché filled power ballad can be entertaining but a whole album of them borders on cruel and unusual punishment.

1/10


5. Hard Candy - Madonna

Earlier this year, I described "Hard Candy" as the musical equivalent of being fisted by a thick wristed dwarf. In retrospect, I think I was being overly kind.

1.5/10

These stinkers round out my ten worst albums of 2008:

Circus - Britney Spears
Viva La Vida - Coldplay
Safe Trip Home - Dido
Peliculas - Lorena
Heavy Rotation - Anastacia

The 20 Best Albums Of 2008

There's something about the end of the year that brings out my obsessive compulsive streak and I tend to get a bit carried away making lists. They're completely arbitrary and takes ages to write but they are a hell of a lot of fun to look back on. I'm so proud that my best albums of 2006 countdown contained Katie Price, La Toya and Paris Hilton. That's just too fucking low brow - even by my standards! I went a bit upmarket in 2007 but Dannii still managed to feature twice with her cheap trash. This year, there's not a Minogue in sight (*sob*) but lots of trashy Spanish divas and ex-Destiny's Child members. While I think 2008 was a bumper year for great singles, consistently excellent albums were harder to come by. However, these twenty CDs will keep you enthralled from the first track to the very last. I promise!

1. Bring Ya To The Brink - Cyndi Lauper (America, #87 AUS)
1. Sin Miedo - Soraya (Spain, #21 ESP)

The best album of 2008 is a tie between "Bring Ya To The Brink" and "Sin Miedo"! After weeks of changing my mind about the winner, I finally gave up and decided that Cyndi and Soraya had produced equally brilliant albums. In some regards, the albums are actually quite similar. Both divas completely reinvented themselves in 2008 by delivering almost flawless sets of upbeat dance pop gems. Cyndi's album is more eclectic and adventurous, while sexy Soraya serves up a more cohesive record. Both are absolutely superb from beginning to end.

Essential tracks (Cydni) - "Into The Nightlife", "Rain On Me", "Lay Me Down", "Set Your Heart" and "Grab A Hold".
Essential tracks (Soraya) - "Para Ti", "No Siento", "Caminaré", "Piel Contra Piel" and "Ángel Caído".

Read my track by track review of "Bring Ya To The Brink" here.
Read my track by track review of "Sin Miedo" here.


3. Philadelphia Disco Party - Las Supremas De Móstoles
(Spain, Did Not Chart)

You simply haven't lived until you've had a Philadelphia disco party with Las Supremas! These sexy Spanish sirens are pop trash royalty. Their heavily accented Motown cover versions rocked my world and I got the chance to hang out with (and be fondled by one of) them in Madrid. Read about my adventures here. "Philadelphia Disco Party" is the most fun record of 2008. This fabaulous shit is pure musical MDMA. Best of all, you can download it from Aus iTunes.

Essential Tracks - "Sing A Happy Song", "Take Good Care Of Yourself", "Gonna Get Along Without Your Now", "Everlasting Love" and "Dirty Old Man".

Read my review here.


4. All The Way - CC Martini
(Australia, Did Not Chart)

CC Martini is the hottest bitch alive. I'm not just talking about her fire crotch but her attitude. From her wonderfully smutty lyrics to her unique brand of hip hop/pop, CC is always true to herself. "All The Way" was thrown together on a budget of nothing and occasionally you can tell. It's raw and more than a little rough around the edges. The ideas on display, however, are priceless. The album perfectly showcases CC's creativity and charisma. "All The Way" is a snapshot of a woman coming to terms with her immense talent. Hell, who else can claim to have a written a song titled "My Bush Would Make A Better President"?

Essential Tracks - "Double Dutch", "Dirty Thoughts", "I See You", "Everything" and "Be The One".

Read my track by track review here.

5. Bittersweet World - Ashlee Simpson
(America, #41 AUS)

People generally thought I had lost my mind when I started raving about "Bittersweet World" but almost a year later, I still love and play the album all the time. I honestly believe this is the album Madonna wanted for "Hard Candy". Ashlee worked with the same producers (Timbaland and one half of The Neptunes) but while she fed off their talent to create something fresh, fun and surprisingly edgy - Madonna transformed herself into the poor man's Keri Hilson. Go figure. "Bittersweet World" really is a weird and wonderful work. It covers dance, pop, rock and urban genres without ever sounding forced or desperate. Put your pre-conceptions on hold and give Trashlee a go. You might just be surprised.

Essential Tracks - "Boys", "Outta My Head (Ay Ya Ya)", "Invisible", "No Time For Tears" and "Ragdoll".

Read my review here.


6. September - September
(Sweden, AUS Did Not Chart)

September's Australian debut was ironically released the same week that Central Station (her label) folded. Not the most auspicious start to her Oz campaign but there's no denying the poptastic brilliance of "September". This album is basically comprised of the best tracks from Petra's last two albums, "In Orbit" and "Dancing Shoes". It provides a great overview of her recent European career and holds up as a fantastic pop album in its own right. The filler is gone, so you're left with all the hits and best album tracks. Consider this a mini-greatest hits package from one of Sweden's most successful pop stars.

Essential tracks - "Cry For You", "Satellites", "Because I Love You", "Looking For Love" and "Midnight Heartache".


7. 2 - Sneaky Sound System
(Australia, #1 AUS)

Sneaky Sound System's second album is a glorious addition to the ever growing canon of local electropop. I really liked their first album but this is a massive step forward. The annoying urban influence is gone, Connie takes lead vocals on all ten tracks and their songwriting has improved profoundly. My only qualm with this entire project is the abysmal choice of singles. "Kansas City" was an ok, if uninspiring, selection but "When We Were Young" is possibly the worst song on the album. "I Want Everything" (a song that Kylie stupidly rejected for "X") is epic, "Lost In The Future" blows my mind, while "It's Not My Problem" is their finest mid-tempo moment. Hopefully, they'll get it right for the UK release.

Essential tracks - "It's Not My Problem", "I Want Everything", "Lost In The Future" and "Because Of You People Say I'm Crazy".


8. I Am... Sasha Fierce - Beyoncé
(America, #8 AUS)

If I could have creatively re-edited "I Am... Sasha Fierce" according to my own fabulous taste, the album would feature even higher on the list. The two disc approach doesn't really work for me but the great thing about iPods is the ability to make your own playlist - and there really is something for everyone on this album. I love the urban dance tracks ("Radio", "Single Ladies", "Sweet Dreams" etc), a handful of the ballads ("Halo", "Disappear" and "Smash Into You") and even the fierce bonus tracks ("Why Don't You Love Me?" is well worth hunting down). "I Am... Sasha Fierce" is a bit of a mess but it has flashes of real brilliance. This is Beyoncé's first really great album.

Essential tracks - "Halo", "Radio", "If I Were A Boy", "Sweet Dreams" and "Why Don't You Love Me?"

Read my track by track review here.


9. Power Dance - Gloria Arana
(Spain, Did Not Chart)

I don't want to write too much about "Power Dance" because I plan to devote a full post to this hot tranny mess in the near future. From the moment I saw the cover in FNAC, I knew Gloria would be right up my trashy alley and my 6th sense for low brow music proved accurate yet again. I can't even describe Gloria's sound - it would fit under the broad banner of dance music but it varies from Spanish techno to cheesy pop that pays homage to Stock Aitken Waterman. Hell, one song even has a vocodered rap! I really need to research this amazing diva but at the moment I would say she's Spain's answer to Bionda or Linni Meister. Yes, she's THAT classy!

Essential tracks - There are only 7 songs and they're all essential!


10. E=MC² - Mariah Carey
(America, #2 AUS)

I'm so fucking annoyed. I finally migrate to camp Mariah and her career falls apart. Again. "E=MC²" is another fine album that was destroyed by bizarre single choices. Why on earth were "Migrate" and "I'm That Chick" overlooked? Both tracks had the potential to be HUGE. The biggest irony is the fact that "E=MC²" radically improves on "The Emancipation Of Mimi". The production is crisper, the boring slow jams have been kept to a minimum and Mariah reigns in her pipes for most of the album. This is American pop at its best.

Essential tracks - "Migrate", "I'm That Chick", "Thanx 4 Nothin'", "Touch My Body" and "I'll Be Lovin' U Long Time".

Read my track by track review here.


11. Ladyhawke - Ladyhawke
(New Zealand, #16 AUS)

There's not much left to say about Ladyhawke. The hype surrounding her debut album has been positively deafening. Thankfully, this is one of the rare occasions when all the praise has been well and truly deserved. I still remember Pip as the lead singer of Sydney band Teenager and it's great to see how far she's come. "Ladyhawke" is a really great pop album. Yes, it's dressed up with some indie flourishes to keep the try hards happy but if you take away Pip's cooler than cool image you're left with a bunch of catchy pop tunes written by Kylie's old collaborators. The amazing Pascal Gabriel ("Your Love" and "Tightrope" on "Fever") is responsible for some of the album's best tracks including "My Delirium", "Magic" and "Dusk Till Dawn". Paul Harris (co-writer of Kylie's "In My Arms") delivers the brilliant "Better Than Sunday", while Greg Kurstin ("Wow") contributes "Professional Suicide". My only criticism is the lack of variety. The sound is a little too uniform and a couple of the tracks bleed into each other. Still, that's a small price to pay for pop gems like "Crazy World".

Essential tracks - "My Delirium", "Crazy World", "Magic", "Better Than Sunday" and "Back Of The Van".


12. The Fame - Lady Gaga
(America, #5 AUS)

Judging by the comments left in my best singles of 2008 post, the Lady Gaga backlash is in full swing. I really don't get it. Sure, she's a bit pretentious but so is Robyn and that doesn't stop everyone fawning over her. Maybe it's the fact that Lady Gaga is actually selling records that gets people riled. I'm convinced if she were Swedish, the same haters would be hailing her as the second coming. Personally, I think Lady Gaga has produced a breathtakingly good dance-pop album. This a genre that doesn't lend itself to a lot of consistency but "The Fame" has no filler. It's jam packed with new ideas, fresh sounds and catchy tunes. Hopefully Lady Gaga's success in Australia (two #1 singles, a top 5 album) will inspire some local divas to follow in her electropop footsteps.

Essential tracks - "Boys Boys Boys", "Just Dance", "Poker Face", "Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say)" and "Summerboy".


13. Sol-Angel & The Hadley Street Dreams - Solange
(America, #9 US)

I really think I should have placed this higher in the list. At its best, "Sol-Angel & The Hadley Street Dreams" is better than most of the albums in my top 10. The retrotastic Motown vein that Solange mines in tracks like "Sandcastle Disco", "I Decided", "T.O.N.Y." and "Would've Been The One" is simply superb. They are some of my favourite tracks of 2008. However, for each wonderful musical experiment that Solange pulls off ("Cosmic Journey") - another falls flat ("This Bird"). "Sol-Angel & The Hadley Street Dreams" is perhaps a little too audacious for its own good but that's also what makes it brilliant. Solange has taken risks and forged her own path. The album might not have been greeted with the success it deserved but Solange has finally emerged from Beyoncé's shadow. Which I think was the whole point.

Essential tracks - "Sandcastle Disco", "T.O.N.Y.", "I Decided", "Cosmic Journey" and "Would've Been The One".


14. Been Waiting - Jessica Mauboy
(Australia, #16 AUS)

I have to get this off my chest. "Been Waiting" has one of the ugliest covers in Australian music history. Jessica looks like she's just stepped away from the cash register at K-Mart. She's such a gorgeous girl, was it really so hard to put her in a pretty dress and hire a professional to do her hair? That's not even mentioning the hideous font and layout. It looks like a visually impaired 5 year old whipped it up using Microsoft Paint. Sony might have saved some cash on the artwork but they really went all out on the music. As with Ladyhawke's album, there's also a strong Minogue connection on "Been Waiting". Jonas Jeberg ("All I See" and "Like A Drug") contributes the current single "Burn", which was co-written by La Toya's nephew Taj Jackson! Karen Poole also raises her ugly head on "Let Me Be Me". With the exception of those international contributions, "Been Waiting" is very much a local album with a global sound. The title track and "To The Floor" are so very now with their urban dance sound, while the synth heavy ballad "Because" wouldn't be out of place on the US charts. This is a fantastic urban pop album.

Essential Tracks - "To The Floor", "Burn", "Let Me Be Me", "Been Waiting" and "Because".


15. Dolce - Ami Suzuki
(Japan, #26 JAP)

The Japanese Dannii is back! From the moment I first heard "Free Free", I knew Ami Suzuki was the J-Pop diva for me. My girl knows how to belt out a trashy dance anthem and "Dolce", her 6th album, is full of them. High energy gems like "Super Music Maker", "Feel The Beat" and "The Weekend" have earned Ami the title 'Queen of Techno' (She really IS the Japanese Queen of Clubs!) but the album also proves that she's no one trick pony. There are sample heavy electro tracks, a great cover of Aly & AJ's "Potential Break-Up Song", a lovely ballad ("If") and one of the quirkiest examples of 60s retro pop that I've had the pleasure of hearing ("２人はPOP"). I have no idea what that fabulous song is about (or the rest of the album for that matter) but I love it. Ami's poptastic genius crosses language and cultural barriers like no other diva.

Essential tracks - "Free Free", "Potential Break Up Song", "２人はPOP", "新しい日々" and "If".


16. Get Me Home - Jade Macrae
(Australia, Did Not Chart)

Jade Macrae's second album was released to very little fanfare while I was overseas. By that stage "Get Me Home" had been delayed for almost 11 months and more than a year had passed between the first and second singles. Not surprisingly, it completely tanked. It's a shame because "Get Me Home" is a huge improvement on Jade's debut. She has mixed pop, dance and electronic elements into her usual urban sound and when it all comes together properly (as it does on the title track, "Run To You" and "I Wanna Be In Love") this rivals anything released by Beyoncé or Rihanna in 2008. The ballad "Shoulda Loved You More" is particularly stunning. Disappointingly, the album falls down somewhat with the more straightforward R'n'B tracks like "Next To Me" and "You're Gone". They're not bad by any stretch but they sound like Deni Hines circa 1997. As a whole, "Get Me Home" is a rough diamond but it's definitely worth hunting down.

Essential tracks - "Get Me Home", "Run To You", "I Wanna Be In Love", "In The Basement" and "Shoulda Loved You More".


17. Premiere - Edurne
(Spain, #39 ESP)

Edurne is one of my favourite Spanish pop tarts. Her last offering, "Ilusión", was a tight, taut and terrific pop album. "Premiere", on the other hand, is a so bad it's amazing collection of showtunes - sung in Spanish and heavily accented English. This really does constitute a huge step back but I can't help but love it. "Premiere" is like musical crack for trash fans. It's cheap, cheerful and obscenely camp. I just love the song selection. Edurne covers Liza twice in English ("Cabaret" and "All That Jazz"), Olivia Newton-John twice in Spanish ("You're The One That I Want" and "Hopelessly Devoted To You") and delivers a stunning rendition of "Seasons Of Love" from Rent. I'm just disappointed that a Barbra Streisand classic missed out on the Edurne treatment. It's probably for the best. A Spanish version of "Hello Dolly" would have probably thrown me into a trash coma!

Essential tracks - "Sigo Enamorada De Ti", "Seasons Of Love", "All That Jazz", "Tu Seras Para Mi" and "Bella Y Bestia".


18. Unexpected - Michelle Williams
(America, #42 US)

This was perhaps the year's biggest surprise. Even after falling in love with "We Break The Dawn", I ignored Michelle's album assuming it would be rubbish. When I finally did give "Unexpected" a listen, I was blown away. This is one album that more than lives up to its title! I'm not sure what I was expecting but it wasn't a ruthlessly upbeat collection of dance gems with the occasional pretty ballad thrown in for good measure. This sounds a lot like the Sasha Fierce disc on Beyoncé's latest album, which isn't suprising given the fact that both divas employ the same producers. Stargate, Jim Jonsin and Rico Love all make contributions. "Unexpected" lacks the variety of "I Am... Sasha Fierce" or the originality of "Sol-Angel & The Hadley Street Dreams" but it's easily disgestible pop at its most entertaining.

Essential tracks - "We Break The Dawn", "Lucky Girl", "Unexpected", "Hello Heartbreak" and "Till The End Of The World".


19. Sexy As Hell - Sarah Connor
(Germany, #3 GER)

I have a soft spot for Germany's Sarah Connor. I love her white trash scandals and bad reality tv shows but her music is decidely hit and miss. When Sarah gets it right ("From Zero To Hero", "Let's Get Back To Bed - Boy!" and "Bounce"), the results can be fabulous. Thankfully, "Sexy As Hell" is something of a return to form after the dire mess that was "Soulicious". It seems Sarah has finally realised that she's not black. There are no duets with dead soul legends (don't ask) or bad interpretations of R'n'B classics. Instead, Sarah has hired Remee & Troelsen - the Danish team behind Monrose's "Hot Summer" and Christine Milton's "Superstar" - to give her a funky new pop sound with an urban twist. They contribute the title track and the amazingly catchy "See You Later", which could be a sequel to Miley Cyrus' "See You Again". My personal favourite is "Beautiful View", which reminds me of Kylie's "Still Standing". The album isn't perfect but this is a masterpiece by Sarah's standards.

Essential tracks - "I Believe In You", "See You Later", "Beautiful View" and "Sexy As Hell".


20. Try To Remember Everything - Bic Runga
(New Zealand, Did Not Chart)

This is the odd album out in this countdown. Firstly, it doesn't really contain any new material (it's a compilation of sorts). Secondly, it's pretty fucking classy stuff. Bic Runga is one of the few highly acclaimed singers that I can stand. There's just something about that exquisite voice that leaves me mesmerised. I've said it before but in a perfect world, this woman would be a household name. "Try To Remember Everything" won't be the album that brings Bic to the masses but it is pure porn for fans. There are beautifully performed live tracks, unreleased gems, a fascinating demo and a new song. This is the perfect album for soothing late night listening.

Essential tracks - "The Daily Grind", "Autumn Leaves (Live)", "Everyone Must Love" and "Strangers Again".

Runners-Up

These albums narrowly missed the cut. I highly recommend all of them!

Tarantula - Monica Naranjo
7 Vies - Tina Arena
Fallen Angel - 2 Girlz
It's Hyorish - Lee Hyo Ri
Hurricane - Grace Jones