John from Pop Music Notes recently wrote a great post about the age old practice of overhauling music videos for different markets. This has been going on since the dawn of the MTV generation and shows no sign of letting up. John asked for memorable examples and I named Robyn's horrible UK remake of "Handle Me" as the prime example of how not to do it but I could have just as easily listed September's dreadful update of "Cry For You" (please remember that I'm talking about the video - not the song, which I adore). Almost a year has passed since that tragedy was unleashed on unsuspecting pop fans and September has finally found the time to re-work her "Can't Get Over" film clip to coincide with the song's impending UK release. Compare the Swedish original (here) with the new version above. Happily, this time the makeover is actually a significant improvement!
I know I'm in the minority on this. Most of September's fans have railed against the cheesy sci-fi theme and hilarious special effects but I love it and think it's a trash classic in the making. The new version has spaceships, a couple of robots and an array of tacky costumes that would make Melissa Tkautz green with envy. It's like an ultra cheap version of Kylie's "Can't Get You Out Of My Head"! The original, on the other hand, was a disjointed mess that went absolutely nowhere. I will concede that Petra looked significantly better in the Swedish version (there's some serious Benjamin Buttons shit going on in the UK re-make!) but all things considered, this bright and colourful visual journey is a much better fit to what is basically a very fluffy pop song.
Speaking of the music, I love the new remix. Does anyone else think they've added a cheeky sample over the intro? It's hardly original but it works and the remix manages to beef up the production, which previously bordered on the insipid. "Can't Get Over" has never been one of my favourite tracks from "Dancing Shoes" and I'm slightly concerned for its chart prospects. I have my fingers crossed that lightning strikes twice and September rides that fabulous spaceship to the top of the pops! "Can't Get Over" is released in the UK on the 9th of March and I'm told it will more than likely get an Australian release under the newly restructured Central Station Records. I'll keep you posted.
Note: Scandipop recently conducted an interesting and insightful interview with the Swedish diva. Check it out here.
The original Swedish cover - The new artwork is yet to be released
You're looking at one of my most prized possessions. I stumbled across this amazing 80s relic on Ebay a couple of years ago and just knew that it belonged in my collection. The sight of prim and proper Julie Anthony in that fabulous tracksuit immediately caught my attention and I was interested to hear her pop material. To cut a short story even shorter, it turned out to be the best one cent I've ever spent! "Here I Am" not only delivers an endearing selection of 80s cover versions, it also gave me a whole new appreciation for one of Australia's best loved divas. Like most people under the age of 30, I had always associated Julie Anthony with two things - the national anthem and St. George bank. The former due to her habit of performing it at every second sporting event ever held in this country and the latter for her memorable television commercials. I knew that Julie had a very successful singing career in the 1970s but I had no idea it continued well into the 80s and never, ever pictured her belting out a Hi-NRG cover of Irene Cara's "Fame" or ABBA's "The Winner Takes It All"!
One Of Julie's Iconic St. George Bank Commercials
Released in 1982, "Here I Am" mainly consists of faithful renditions of modern pop hits with a couple of standards and one original track (at least I think it is) thrown in for good measure. The production is fairly formulaic but all 18 songs are lovingly performed and hold up remarkably well more than 20 years later. Part of what makes the album so interesting is the eclectic tracklist. There are a couple of obvious choices ("Some Enchanted Evening" from South Pacific, Elton John's "Blue Eyes" and Cliff Richard's "We Don't Talk Anymore") but the majority of "Here I Am" is weird and rather wonderful. Julie's version of "Have You Ever Been In Love" gives Leo Sayer a run for his money, while a cheerful rendition of "Arthur's Theme" sits happily next to an outrageous cover of The Carpenters' "Calling Occupants Of Interplanetary Craft" - complete with a lisping alien, no less! That is probably my favourite track on the album along with Julie's aforementioned take on ABBA's oft covered "The Winner Takes It All". As much as I love Kylie & Dannii's recent attempt, Julie's dramatic version is infinitely better. Check out Julie's stunning interpretations below:
Calling Occupants Of Interplanetary Craft
Winner Takes It All
Other memorable moments include accomplished interpretations of Sheena Easton's "For Your Eyes Only", Stevie Wonder's "Lately" and Michael Jackson's "One Day In Your Life" - as well as a very cute rendition of Joey Scarbury's "Believe It Or Not" and a toe tapping cover of "Why Do Fools Fall In Love". The track that I think might be an original is a pretty ballad called "China Blue" (it's definitely NOT a cover of Fancy's similarly titled Eurodance classic) but hopefully someone will let me know if I'm mistaken. You can hear short clips of most of the tracks in the amazing television promo below. I'm so grateful to the person who stuck this gem on youtube. Julie's outrageous outfits, stunning perm and glamorous eye make-up deserve to be preserved for posterity! "Here I Am" was only one of several cover version heavy albums Julie released in the early 80s. All of them are highly recommended and can probably be found lying at the bottom of a bargain bin near you.
I've been meaning to write something about Spain's greatest living talent since returning home in December but I resisted. I honestly felt that mere words were incapable of describing her magnificence. However, an amazing gift from my Spanish friends has inspired me to try. Pablo and Bubu were kind enough to send me a copy of Merche's recently released discografia completa - a breathtaking collection that includes the Spanish diva's 4 studio albums, a disc of unreleased material and a DVD of her stunning low budget videos. It's probably the single most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life and perfectly captures the essence of Merche. I'm sure most of the people reading this are currently wondering - who the fuck is this fabulous bitch? Well, 34 years ago an angel farted over Cádiz and Mercedes Trujillo was put on earth to bring joy and bad fashion to the masses. She is an icon in Spain and one of my favourite divas. Here is my brief guide to Merche.
Before there was Merche, there was Luna. That was the awful stage name my sweet petal used to compete for Eurovision selection in 2001. In a shocking turn of events, Spain's gift to the world only came 6th in the national finals but she caught the attention of Vale Music and scored a record deal. Thankfully, they changed her name back to Merche for the release of her debut album in 2002. "Mi Sueño" is almost as classy as the cover (above). It's an engaging collection of pop songs - with a bit of flamenco flavour and even a slight Latin feel. The album is also notable for the fact that Merche wrote all the lyrics and music herself, making her perhaps the most fabulous singer songwriter in the history of music! "Mi Sueño" reached number 12 in Spain and sold Platinum on the back of four hit singles. I particularly love "Como Pude" but I think this single best sums up early Merche:
"No Me Pidas Más Amor" is a percussion heavy jam that showcases Merche's knack for writing a catchy chorus. The video (above) also established her amazing lack of style and helps explain why she is cruelly considered a low class trashbag by Spanish snobs. While it's true that Merche looks like a $10 prostitute who just got off the bus from Mil Viviendas, that's part of what makes her so fabulous. She really has the common touch! I particularly love her Kelly Llorenna sunglasses and the hideous brown leather skirt. However, the best thing about the video is Merche's amazing dance moves, her sexy bedroom eyes and the really hot guy! Mi Sueño is to meet him next time I'm in Spain.
2004's "Auténtica" was my introduction to Merche and gets my vote for her best album. It also brings back so many great memories of Spain. Parker insisted I listen to some Merche when I hung out with him and Coque in Alicante and even gave me one of his famous lectures about her greatness. As usual, he was right. It was love at first sight when I saw Merche's beautiful face staring back at me from a row of CDs in FNAC. For her second album, the Spanish goddess turned to Sweden for inspiration. The album was recorded at Dreamworld Studios in Stockholm and the Swedish producers gave Merche's music a new poptastic dimension. "Auténtica" was an even bigger success than "Mi Sueño". It peaked at number 7, spawned 5 singles and sold over 100,000 copies (which surprisingly is quite a lot for Spain). I love the entire album but special mention has to go to "Abre Tu Mente" (below).
I thought Dannii was the only diva fabulous enough to sing an upbeat dance song about domestic violence (ie. "Love Fight") but Merche did it first. And better. "Abre Tu Mente" is apparently a commentary on abused women - not that you can tell from the catchy beats and uplifting chorus! The video, as usual, is an absolute triumph. The first thing you notice is Merche's glamorous new image. Instead of looking like a prostitute, my angel now resembles a transvestite with her big hair and killer heels. For full effect, check out her stunning black leather bra and mini-skirt combination in the nightclub! Apart from the fashion, other highlights include Merche's brilliant acting and the hot, shirtless guy playing her husband. For more "Auténtica" trash, check out the amazing video for "Me Han Vuelto Loca". There's more man flesh on display and Merche raids her local brothel for some style hints. The slutty dance routine in the middle of the street is heaven!
If "Auténtica" was Merche's experiment with Europop, then 2005's "Necesito Libertad" is very much her American opus. The album was recorded in Miami and produced by Marcello Azevedo, who had previously worked with lesser talents like Paulina Rubio and Marc Anthony. Marcello's bold style was a great fit for Merche. The big ballads really showcase her amazing voice, while the uptempo tracks have a distinctly Latin feel. It's basically a return to the blueprint of her first album - only with better songs and production. That combination proved irresistible and "Necesito Libertad" swiftly became a top 5 hit in Spain and remains Merche's biggest selling album. There's so much to enjoy about this gem (I love "Dos extraños", "Todo Un Riesgo", "No Lo Olvido" and the title track) but the highlights are definitely "Eras Tú" (below) and "Bombón".
"Eras Tú" is the Spanish sensation's highest selling single and one of my all time favourite ballads. This is very much the kind of music Mariah Carey and Christina Aguilera would make if they could speak Spanish. Properly. It's dramatic, emotional and completely over the top. Merche loses her restraint but it only makes "Eras Tú" all the more enjoyable. Unfortunately, I think Merche also turned to Mariah and Xtina for styling tips. The theme for this album is definitely "hooker" but it's a look that Merche does better than any other woman on the planet. She actually looks quite dignified in the "Eras Tú" video apart from the ugly Shakira hairstyle but she's back to her trashtastic best for "Bombón". This song and video sums up everything I love about goddess Merche. The red "dress" is amazing and those dance moves!
Who is the bland bitch on the cover of 2007's "Cal y Arena"? I refuse to believe that boring housewife is my Merche. A makeover was probably long overdue but some fuckwit has sucked all the fun out of my baby. Merche fans expect her to look like she's been styled by blind drag queens. This new, classy image was an unpleasant shock to my system! Unfortunately, the content of the album reflects the sterility of the cover. Produced by Carlos Jean (Miguel Bose, Marta Sanchez etc), "Cal y Arena" strips Merche's music back to the very basics. The sound is very organic, almost acoustic - which is typical for the Spanish charts. Unfortunately, this horrible less is more approach doesn't suit Merche's natural flamboyance at all and the album is a bit of a disappointment in comparison to her previous masterpieces. I guess it's not all bad. The title track and lead single (below) is delicate and pretty, while the follow-up, "Ya No Me Digas Lo Siento", is the closest thing to an upbeat pop track on the album. However, the highlight is the lovely third single. "Ángeles" is a soft ballad with a truly Merche-tastic video. She looks absolutely gorgeous and appears to be hanging out in some kind of gay bar. Well, that's the only explanation I can think of for the classy finale, which finds two hot men with angel's wings kissing. So Merche, so fabulous.
There has been a distinct lack of exciting new faces on the local pop scene for the past few months but the drought has finally been broken by 20 year old Sydneysider Liena. The budding diva has been on my radar since mid-2008 but she has only just got around to releasing her amazing debut single. "Go Crazy" is a seriously fabulous slice of Australian pop. Produced by the super hot Audius (the man responsible for Jessica Mauboy's hit album), this is an effortlessly catchy summer jam that would sound perfect blasting from the radio. It's upbeat, fun and very now. Liena lists Beyoncé, Rihanna and Mariah among her influences - and while there is a distinct urban flavour to most of her music, "Go Crazy" is unashamedly POP. The song is available to download from iTunes now. The bundle comes with a couple of fun remixes, while the B-side, "End Of The Road", showcases her R'n'B leanings. Check out Liena's myspace and give "Go Crazy" a listen - I have it streaming below.
After almost a year of being "internet friends" (that sounded a lot less sad in my head), I finally met CC Martini in person last week. Australia's queen of pip pop - hip hop tinged pop - had just flown in from the States, where she has been hatching her plans for future world domination, and was in the mood to unwind with a few cocktails. A great idea under normal circumstances but I had been partying since midday and was in a complete state by the time we caught up. Thankfully CC is a really cool chick and pretended not to notice my general lack of motor skills. Bless. Despite the not so classy start, it turned out to be an awesome night. We knocked back some delicious passionfruit Caprioskas and wandered around King's Cross chatting about everything from CC's American trip to the merits of Katy Perry. I managed to do a bit of digging about the new demos (CC sang the chorus of "Dress Me Up" on the street - sounds amazing!) but mostly we just talked about normal stuff. I did, however, take some hot photos. I'm loving the pic of CC posing on the back of some dude's truck in the middle of the Cross. That shit should be her next album cover! There's also a happy snap of us together below. I had a great time and can't wait to do it again. CC, move to Sydney and be my new BFF!
Every now and again someone will ask me to name my ten favourite albums of all time. Over the years the list has changed radically (the brief inclusion of Holly Valance's "State Of Mind" was a memorable miscalculation) but a handful of discs make a regular appearance. If I knew I was going to be stranded on a deserted island for a year, I would definitely take Olivia Newton-John's "Totally Hot", Dannii's "Neon Nights", La Toya's "Heart Don't Lie" and Kylie's "Light Years" - along with as much food and porn as I could possibly carry! I would also pack my cherished copy of Sheena Easton's 1984 masterpiece "A Private Heaven". It pains me that Sheena will forever be remembered as the "Morning Train" girl. As great as that song is, there was and is so much more to this amazing Scottish diva. I love Sheena's early material but "A Private Heaven" took things to an entirely new level.
The seeds for "A Private Heaven" can be traced back to Sheena's hugely underrated 1983 album "Best Kept Secret", which updated her output from ballad heavy soft rock to more contemporary uptempo pop. That album not only revived Sheena's career in the US (it became a Gold selling top 40 hit) but also introduced her to producer Greg Mathieson, who would again take the reigns on "A Private Heaven". Chances are if a song was camp, fabulous and released in the 1980s - Greg had something to do with it. Toni Basil's "Mickey" and Laura Branigan's "Gloria" are just two of his contributions to popular music. While "Best Kept Secret" subtly modernised Sheena's sound, "A Private Heaven" offered a complete transformation. The pretty girl next door emerged as a sex siren complete with an impressive arsenal of edgy dance-pop anthems. The album was an instant hit in America where it sold over a million copies and spawned three popular singles. Inexplicably, "A Private Heaven" failed to chart in the UK and stalled at #88 in Australia. Perhaps the mix of synth-pop and melodic R'n'B was simply too American for the international market but I suspect the real culprit was the album's controversial lyrics - but I'll get to that later. Whatever the reason, the rest of the world missed out on one the best pop recordings of all time. Here is my track by track review:
Strut
The album's opening track doubles as a declaration of intent. "Strut" is a winning mix of driving beats and suggestive lyrics that still sounds vibrant today. The song perfectly showcased Sheena's new found confidence and attitude. The production was cutting edge and the kinky lines about wearing "leather and lace" and "feeling like a girl for hire" must have raised eyebrows back in the day. This was a completely transformed woman. Written by Julian Littman and 70s pop star Charlie Dore (who would go on to pen tunes for Celine Dion and German girlband No Angels), "Strut" earned Ms Easton a Grammy nomination for best pop/rock vocal performance and became one of her biggest hits - peaking at #7 in America and reaching the Australian top 20. Watch the video (above). No one works the camera quite like Sheena!
Sugar Walls
If "A Private Heaven" is remembered at all today it is usually for housing the Prince penned trash classic "Sugar Walls", which imbued the album with an air of notoriety that lingers to this very day. With amazing lyrics like "blood races to your private spots" and "come spend the night inside my sugar walls", it's pretty clear that this tune isn't referring to a gingerbread house! I doubt a mainstream diva would even get away with this kind of sauciness today (take, for example, the controversy surrounding Britney's comparatively prudish "If You Seek Amy") but the track caused a major scandal at the time. "Sugar Walls" became one of the few songs to be banned from MTV for lyrical content and was even included on Tipper Gore's "Filthy Fifteen" - a list of songs considered to be indecent and morally reprehensible. The media backlash did little to curb the song's popularity and it followed "Strut" into the American top 20, becoming something of a pop culture phenomenon. The controversy had a greater impact internationally, however, where the song failed to chart in just about every market. Despite the dodgy innuendo, "Sugar Walls" is an absolutely magnificent pop song. Admittedly the lyrics are highly dubious (and very amusing) but the production is unbelievably tight and the chorus is pure magic. Prince was at the height of his powers when he wrote this and Sheena was the perfect muse. They would go on to work together again many times but this is by far their finest achievement and remains a true 80s classic. Check out the banned video below.
Hungry Eyes
A single in Japan, "Hungry Eyes" is a Hi-NRG slice of 80s keyboard heaven. The catchy chorus is set against some truly weird and wonderful sound effects, making for one of the album's hidden treasures. Written by the album's producer and Trevor Veitch (who worked extensively with Donna Summer), "Hungry Eyes" positively channels Harold Faltermeyer's early experiments with electronica. The track hasn't aged quite as gracefully as some of the others but I think it perfectly reflects everything that was good about mid-80s pop music. I wish Sheena hasd played around with this sound more. It suited her voice and would have worked wonders in Europe.
Hard To Say It's Over
"Hard To Say It's Over" is a complete showstopper. This is the kind of searing power ballad that would have made Cher and Barbra Streisand green with envy. I've often wondered why this wasn't a single. It would have connected with Sheena's old fanbase and gone down a storm on American radio. I love the bombastic guitar solos and Sheena's brilliant vocal delivery always gives me goosebumps. I was interested to learn while researching this post that the song was co-written by Australian pop star Gino Cunico, who was signed to Arista in the 1970s. Some truly amazing artists contributed their talent to this album. And it shows.
Swear
If you need any further proof of Sheena's credentials as an innovator, check out the album's third single. Ms Easton incorporates a spoken word rap on "Swear" half a decade before Madonna got around to it on "Vogue". However, that's only a small part of the song's appeal. "Swear" is a fiery revelation from beginning to end with its driving guitar (that sounds vaguely reminiscent of Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean"), attitude filled lyrics and experimental production. I wasn't aware until recently that the song was a cover and you can check out Tim Scott's original version here. In retrospect, I'm not surprised that it was originally performed by a man. "Swear" is such a strong and muscular track. Sheena's interpretation completely turns the gender issue inside out, making the song all the more powerful. The video (below) is also something of a masterpiece. Clearly inspired by Michael Jackson, the clip is a three and a half minute explosion of 80s fashion and fabulousness.
Love & Affection
I have often thought that "Love & Affection" is the odd song out on "A Private Heaven". This sublime cover of Joan Armatrading's 1979 top 10 hit is the only cut that wouldn't sound out of place on one Sheena's early albums. While the rest of "A Private Heaven" is a boisterous celebration of mid-80s musical trends, there's something pristine and classic about this gem. Joan is a pretty hard act to follow but this version is a silky smooth delight. I love the crispness of the production and Sheena's understated vocal delivery is nothing short of exquisite. "Love & Affection" hasn't aged a day and is one of the few examples of a cover version matching the quality of the original.
Back In The City
Greg Mathieson and Trevor Veitch rope in the services of guitar legend Lee Ritenour for the album's only Latin flavoured jam. There's something so summery and laid back about "Back In The City". The slinky chorus is subtle yet catchy, while the heavy percussion adds a whole new dimension to the proceedings. Sheena released a Spanish language album ("Todo Me Recuerda a Ti") in Latin America around the same time as "A Private Heaven" and I've often wondered if "Back In The City" somehow evolved from those sessions. I was pretty sure the song was never released as a single so it was quite a surprise to discover the video clip on youtube (below). It's very grainy but still rather fabulous.
You Make Me Nervous
The keyboards return in full force for "You Make Me Nervous". Written by the team behind Robbie Nevil's 80s hit "C'est La Vie", this slice of 80s dance music isn't the finest moment on "A Private Heaven" but it is rather pleasant filler. I love the electronic sound but the guitar solos are unnecessary and the chorus feels slightly disconnected from the verses. It is, however, a welcome return to the uptempo pace of the opening tracks after a couple of mid-tempo detours.
All By Myself
The album's second big ballad is not a cover of Eric Carmen's similarly titled classic but an original penned by Trevor Veitch and Steve Lukather (the ex-Toto band member who heavily contributed to Michael Jackson's "Thriller" album). "All By Myself" doesn't quite reach the melodramatic heights of "Hard To Say It's Over" but the delicate production and emotional lyrics more than make up for it. As usual, Sheena's voice is pitch perfect and utterly exquisite. I'd love to see this performed live.
Double Standard
It's only fitting that such a consistently brilliant album end on a high and "Double Standard" more than fulfils that objective. This extremely catchy serving of 80s synth-pop has always been one of my favourite songs on the album. It's just so upbeat and fun. I love the adorable chorus and Greg's production is spot on. "Double Standard" also reminds strongly me of Olivia Newton-John's output at the time, which isn't a coincidence. The song was written by Steve Kipner, who composed ONJ classics like "Physical", "Heart Attack" and "Twist Of Fate". It's a huge compliment to say that Sheena's effort more than holds its own in that lofty company.
A quarter of a century has passed since "A Private Heaven" was recorded and the years have wearied it to some extent. The album was very much a product of its time and some of the tracks sound very dated. However, that's also part of the album's immense charm. "A Private Heaven" is a veritable audio time capsule of 80s music trends and production techniques. It's a snapshot of a time when popular music was still inventive, irreverent and fun. Most of all, it showcases an amazing diva at the very peak of her formidable powers. "A Private Heaven" is a near perfect pop album that deserves to be remembered, appreciated and acknowledged as a triumph.
A group of my Spanish friends are flying over to London next week and turned to me for some travel advice. As the world's worst tourist I'm probably the last person they should be asking but I'll do my best. Sightseeing bores the hell out of me and, if I'm totally honest, London generally rubs me the wrong way. That said, I always seem to go back for more so it must have something going for it. The city's appeal has a lot to do with my amazing friends (Mark, Paul & Bobby - I miss you!) but London is not without charm. I'm told it has a lot of pretty buildings and historical landmarks but I've never been very interested in piles of old bricks. You can complete my tour for a tenner and still have enough memories to last a lifetime! Here goes nothing...
1. Breakfast Bliss
No one does breakfast quite like the British. I suggest starting the day with a "butty" (bread roll) filled with sausage, eggs and bacon. From experience this is best consumed with a side dish of baked beans and extra toast. If you want to be fancy, order yourself a nice cup of Earl Grey. The delicious concoction above left my tastebuds screaming for more and cost all of two pounds. Value!
2. Channel Kerry Katona
The single best thing about the United Kingdom is Kerry Katona. Living in London, I became completely obsessed with her drunken television interviews, post plastic surgery nude spreads and signature fragrance, which she exclusively revealed smells "like me, like kebabs". Best of all, however, are Kerry's amazing commercials for Iceland (above) - a budget supermarket specialising in frozen food. One of my favourite pastimes in London was to grab a trolley and stroll the aisles of Iceland in the hope of running into Kerry. It never happened but the dream continues.
3. Be A Hoxton Twat
London is the home of all things cutting edge and cool, so you might as well get a taste while you're there. When in Rome and all that. I'm rather fond of East London but it is home to some of the nation's most pretentious wankers, so head over to Hoxton and do a bit of people watching. Just bring your skinny jeans and pretend to be strung out on heroin if you don't want to be mistaken for a tourist.
4. Walk Around Soho
Get on the tube and head over to Soho. It isn't the gay mecca it once was but it's still fun to wander around. There are a couple of second hand CD stores worth checking out, a bunch of sex shops for sluts (like my Spanish friends) and the former home of GAY nightclub. Lay some flowers in front of the Astoria in tribute for all the times a glamorous Minogue graced the stage. Make sure to pick up a copy of "Boyz" so you can make plans for the evening. Soho is also close to all the major stores - so drop into HMV, Borders or Zavvi for the latest Ladyhawke 7" vinyl.
5. Eat Some Fried Chicken
After all that walking, chances are you'll be famished. One of the most exciting things about London is the seemingly endless choice of fried chicken. When I stayed in the glamorous surrounds of Peckham, I counted 9 different outlets on the one road! I personally survived eating at Morley's, Texas Fried Chicken, CFC, Perfect Chicken and the Chicken Cottage. They all taste like the poor man's KFC so there's no point being choosy.
6. The Tate Modern
If you don't need to spend the next hour on the toilet, use the time to walk around the Tate Modern. I'm not completely immune to culture and the Tate Modern is my favourite gallery in London by far. I love the ugliness of the building and I'm yet to see a boring exhibition there. It's also close to St Paul's and most of the big landmarks, so you can tick a bunch of boring tourist attractions off your list in one fell swoop.
7. Watch Some Trash TV
It's time to return to the hotel for some down time after all that exertion. I've always found an hour or two of trash TV to be the perfect antidote to a busy day and the British are world leaders in the field. I never really got into UK soaps with their light-hearted themes of child abuse and mental illness but reality TV more than makes up for it. "I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here", "Celebrity Big Brother" and "X Factor" are all world famous but I suggest checking out "The Underdog Show" (basically a bunch of Z Grade celebrities train dogs) and "Hole In The Wall". I love the horse faced hostess of the former and the latter could well be the most brilliant show ever made. Basically, the lowest "celebrities" on earth play human Tetris. It's genius - check it out above!
8. Eat Dinner
Defrost the frozen banquet you purchased in Iceland. I find paper plates and plastic cutlery perfectly compliment this feast.
9. Buy Bad Drugs In Vauxhall
After downing your delicious meal, it's time to hit the town. Consult your copy of "Boyz" to find a suitable location, which more than likely is located in Vauxhall. The clubs in Vauxhall are great but the real highlight is chatting with the mobile drug dealers that hang around each and every venue. The guys are usually good for a laugh and are generally pretty harmless. Just be aware that you will probably end up snorting crushed aspirin.
10. Experience Kelly Wilde Live
As far as I'm concerned, your London sojourn is completely invalid without witnessing the glorious goddess of Hi-NRG pop - Miss Kelly Wilde. This amazing diva's breathtaking vocals, stunning dance moves and exquisite costumes are the thing of legend. I was lucky enough to see Kelly at two extremely classy gay bars ("The Two Brewers" and "The Black Cap") and both evenings were unforgettable. Check her busy schedule here.
