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Sour 7 - Disappreciation Thread

Mutya gives her verdict on "Sweet 7"

It's a sad day for pop music when the new Sugababes' album is only twice as good as the last Girls Aloud offering. Once upon a time you could bank on The Babes making their rivals look even more tragic than usual. While the racist and her talentless friends churned out the same old shit year after year, Keisha & co continued to mix up their sound and brought some much needed class and dignity to the charts - regardless of the seemingly endless line up changes. The ship really should have sunk with Mutya's departure but the group somehow managed to survive without the realest girl in pop. "Catfights and Spotlights" was disappointing but eventually grew on me and I thought "Get Sexy" was a good omen for their 7th album. The ladies seemed back on track until Keisha was shown the door and it became blindingly obvious that she was the glue keeping the group together all these years. As far as I'm concerned the Sugababes officially died when Jade Ewen signed on. I could deal with horsey Heidi and crazy Amelle as replacements but a floptastic Eurovision failure with the charisma of a burst colostomy bag? Was Mel Blatt too busy?

Despite my disillusion with the brand, I was still genuinely excited about "Sweet 7". The line up of producers is mouth watering. RedOne, Stargate, Fernando Garibay and Toby Gad have created some of the best songs of all time. The Sugababes might be a complete farce but it's impossible to get the music wrong with all these heavyweights, right? Apparently not. I'm a huge fan of American pop but this album represents everything wrong with it - recycled beats, generic lyrics and soulless mid-tempo ballads. There is an obvious hierachy when it comes to working with the A List and the Sugababes got Beyoncé and Rihanna's hand me downs. Hell, I think they got the shit Jordin Sparks rejected! It's easy to point the finger at the producers or the record company for ruthlessly pursuing the US market but other British acts have effortlessly jumped on board the American pop bandwagon (see my recent posts on Livvi Franc and Tania Foster for starters), so the blame has to lie with Heidi, Amelle and Jade. They simply simply don't click as a group and are completely out of touch with their fanbase. The girls need to change their name or pull the plug. "Sweet 7" is the final nail in the Sugababes' rotting coffin.

I'm not going to give the album a proper track by track review because I find it too depressing. However, here is my cheat sheet to "Sweet 7":

Get Sexy

A decent lead single that sounds infinitely better when you're off your face in a club. The song will always hold a special place in my heart due to the band's surprise appearance on Pop Trash Addicts to promote it. Their hints on getting sexy (below) have been a constant source of amusement to me.

Wear My Kiss

"Wear My Kiss" is the best track on the album by a very wide margin. Fernando Garibay has been on a tear recently - delivering killer tracks for Lady GaGa and Whitney - and he continues to impress. I have a feeling this is going to be a massive flop but it's the only song on the album that Version 2.0 would have touched with a ten foot pole. Make sure you download the glorious WAWA remix from iTunes. It's one of my favourite tunes of 2010. Brilliant.

About A Girl

Keisha's version > Jade's version. But they're both RedOne on autopilot.

Wait For You

This doesn't quite scale the same heights as "Wear My Kiss" but it's a decent slice of uptempo dance-pop with a surprisingly cute chorus. It just sounds suspiciously similar to Lady GaGa's vastly superior "No Way" - a song Fernando previously submitted for "The Fame Monster".

Thank You For The Heartbreak

The Sugababes go electro with a little help from Stargate. Sounds amazing? It isn't.

Miss Everything (Featuring Sean Kingston)

A three and a half minute lesson in how to be a gold digging skank. Siobhán is lying in the foetal position somewhere clutching her copy of The Female Eunuch begging Jesus for forgiveness.

She's A Mess

This unveiled attack on Mutya is completely unnecessary. It's not her fault "she's sweating bullets" and "her heels are broke". You try dragging those butt implants around the club! Mut Mut will have her revenge!

Give It To Me Now

The clown behind Cheryl Cole's "Parachute" was responsible for this mess. Enough said.

Crash & Burn

OK, I like this. Toby Gad's ballads have a way of sucking me in - particularly Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" and Bey's "If I Were A Boy". "Crash & Burn" isn't in the same league as those stunning anthems but it is lovely and one of the few songs on "Sweet 7" that showcases the fact that these women can actually sing. Unlike Girls Aloud.

No More You

Stargate's ability to recycle beats should be acknowledged by the Guinness Book Of World Records. I swear I've heard this song 500 times before and I'm pretty sure that almost all of them have been just as shit.

Sweet & Amazing

When I saw the title I expected a much deserved tribute to Keisha but it's just another mid-tempo ballad - albeit an unexpectedly cute one. This is worth a listen.

Little Miss Perfect

Trite, lame and embarrassing. A fitting conclusion to a diabolical album.

RATING: 3/10

R.I.P Sugababes - thanks for the memories!

The Best Of Pop Panel

I posted my 20th Pop Panel last Sunday and promised to celebrate in style this week. The whole point of the Panel was to create something fun and collaborative with other like-minded bloggers, so I couldn't think of a better way of commemorating the past 20 weeks than by inviting back all the guest judges to help decide 2009's ultimate pop song. Basically, I asked everyone to choose the five best tracks from our 20 winners. Their favourite was assigned 5 points, their second choice 4 points, their third pick 3 points and so forth. As it turns out the votes were pretty evenly spread out but there was a runaway winner. I'm keeping my trap shut but I'm not particularly surprised by the outcome. The blogoshpere is nothing if not predictable! Anyway, before we get on with the countdown I'd like to thank all the celebrity judges that took part over the past 5 months (James Leon, Jonah, CC Martini, Courtney Act, Gala, Peter Wilson, Nat from RAEN, Alan Connor, Robyn Loau and Marc Massive) as well as all the bloggers that have kindly volunteered their time. The following have returned to determine the best song ever to rock the Pop Panel:

Aaron (AUS) writer of Fabtastic! Music
Blake (AUS) writer of Dark Cafe Daze
Bomitoni (US) writer of Milk Carton Pop Stars
David (Spain) writer of Cobrastyle
D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger
Enric (Spain) writer of Blog Petit, Però Valent!
Gordon (Scotland) writer of Diva Incarnate
Guy (AUS) writer of Pop Frippery
Jay (England) writer of Postcards From Puerto Rico
Jennifer (US) writer of Adventures Of An Audio Diva
John (US) writer of Pop Music Notes
Ken (The Philippines) writer of The Beat Review
Mike (AUS) author of this classy blog!
Moogaboo (US) contributor to Chart Rigger
Nasty G (Canada) writer of The Isle Of Deserted Pop Stars
Nikki (The Philippines) writer of Pop Reviews Now
Pablo (Spain) writer of Peibols
Paul (England) writer of Fizzy Pop
Poster Girl (US) writer of Poster Girl
Rob (England) writer of Don't Stop The Pop
The Prophet (AUS) writer of The Prophet
Tommie (Sweden) writer of Donna Martin Graduates
Tony (Spain) writer of Tornado

By the way, a special thanks to Pablo for helping me out with the amazing banners. As usual, the songs are listed from least to most popular.



20. Preston – Dressed To Kill (Winner Pop Panel 12)

I'm not surprised Preston came last. It's definitely one of our least appealing winners and flopped worse than Dannii. That week was far more memorable for the cat fight in the comments. No offence to the people he routinely offends but I kind of miss The Prophet. Just don't tell him or his Kanye West sized ego will explode!

2 Points



19. Passion Pit – The Reeling (Winner Pop Panel 2)

I love Passion Pit but this is definitely one of our most random winners. I'm always slightly disturbed when something cool wins Pop Panel and it doesn't get more hip than these guys. Nikki Webster was robbed!

3 Points



18. Chae Yeon - Shake (Winner Pop Panel 8)

I still can't believe Chae won! She remains our only non-English language victor and one of my favourite winners. "Shake" has a killer chorus and an extremely classy toilet-tastic video clip that was banned in Korea.

4 Points



17. Shena – My Fantasy (Winner Pop Panel 5)

I loved Week 5. My homegirl CC Martini was an extremely classy guest judge and Shena came out of nowhere to take first place. Like many winners, the song didn't set the charts on fire but it's something of a pop trash classic - so I'm happy.

5 Points



16. Empire Of The Sun – Standing On The Shore (Winner Pop Panel 6)

This was my short lived "Australian Week" which went down like a lead balloon! I was scraping the bottom of the barrel with some of the selections but I wholeheartedly approve of the winner.

6 Points



15. Bluey Robinson – I Know (Winner Pop Panel 11)

This is my third favourite Pop Panel winner. I love everything about it - from the beautiful lyrics to the lush urban meets electro production. Unfortunately, I seem to be the only one given the fact that Bluey seems to have disappeared without a trace.

7 Points



14. Kim Sozzi – Feel Your Love (Winner Pop Panel 18)

This gives me the giggles. I love Kim and her fabulous do-it-yourself video clip. One of the few occasions when a true pop trash anthem won. As a life long Girlfriend fan, having Robyn Loau as a guest judge that week was a real honour.

8 Points



13. Bag Raiders – Shooting Stars (Winner Pop Panel 15)

Despite slipping in at least a couple of homegrown acts each week, this was the only time (with the exception of Australian Week) when local talent actually won. I love the song, I love the clip, I love their animated bulges. This has been hanging around the iTunes top 100 for months. I hope their next single gives them the commercial breakthrough they deserve.

13 Points



12. LeToya – She Ain't Got Shit On Me (Winner Pop Panel 9)

Beyonce appeared on the Pop Panel 3 times and the best she could do was second place. Her floptastic ex-band mate LeToya, however, claimed the title with this catchy tune. I love it but shame about the rest of her shit album.

14 Points



11. The Gossip – Love Long Distance (Winner Pop Panel 14)

Pop Panel 14 sticks in my mind as the week reclusive 90s gay icon Gala came out of retirement to be a guest judge. Her rambling comments still make me smile and I'm glad her favourite song won. I am, however, slightly surprised by its relatively high position on this countdown.

17 Points



10. Dragonette – Pick Up The Phone (Winner Pop Panel 19)

Marc Massive really won a lot of new fans with his appearance on the Pop Panel. I loved his Whitney Houston appreciation (respect!) and piss club stories. Dragonette scooped the pool that week and I think they deserved it. This has grown on me no end and their album is amazing.

17 Points



9. Heidi Montag – Body Language (Winner Pop Panel Week 16)

Only on the Pop Panel would Heidi Montag place higher than Dragonette, The Gossip, Empire Of The Sun and Passion Pit! And rightly so. This is my second favourite Pop Panel victor and I think it should at least be top 5 on this countdown. As usual Heidi's musical genius is denied by her deluded army of haters. It's time to open your heart to the new Queen of pop!

19 Points



8. The Sound Of Arrows – Into The Clouds (Winner Pop Panel 17)

I still don't get the fuss over this. Sure, the video is pretty but the song sounds like a La Roux B-Side.

20 Points



7. Marina & The Diamonds – I Am Not A Robot (Winner Pop Panel 7)

"I Am Not A Robot" got my five points as the best Pop Panel winner. I love Marina. Her lyrics cut straight through me, her blog is an endless source of amusement and she's one of the nicest people I've had the pleasure of interviewing. Week 7 was also special due to the presence of Australian Idol's classiest competitor - the divine Miss Courtney Act!

22 Points



6. The Saturdays – Work (Winner Pop Panel 4)

Yawn. I have no idea how this dire piece of trash won, let alone how it ended up featuring this high on the countdown. I mean, really.

25 Points


5. Shakira – She Wolf (Winner Pop Panel 10)

I'm still obsessed with this stunning anthem. I blame the sordid vagina cave video! It's nice to see that the song has found an loyal audience despite flopping in Australia and underperforming in the US.

28 Points


4. Sugababes – Get Sexy (Winner Pop Panel 13)

I quite like this but I'm shocked at its lofty position on this countdown given that it had the lowest score of all the winners. Maybe people are feeling a bit sentimental in the wake of Keisha-gate?

29 Points


3. Annie – Anthonio (Winner Pop Panel 1)

I swear people just voted for this to annoy me. The most insipid piece of trash ever to grace the Pop Panel somehow glides into third place. I guess there really is a market for tuneless jams performed by ugly Scandinavians with less vocal ability than Cheryl Cole.

30 Points


2. Whitney – Million Dollar Bill (Winner Pop Panel 20)

I'm ecstatic that Whitney did so well! Given the less than flattering comments about the song last week I was expecting this to struggle but love for the patron saint of crackpipes still burns brightly among the Pop Panel judges! I wish this had won but you can't have everything.

32 Points


1. Agnes – Release Me (Winner Pop Panel 3)

I originally gave "Release Me" 0/5 when it appeared on the Pop Panel but I've come clean about how much the song has grown on me. But the best song in Panel history? Computer says Whitney was robbed. On the bright side, at least it wasn't Annie. Pop Panel 3 is also notable for being the only time we moved over to Don't Stop The Pop and for Jonah's classy comments.

41 Points

Here's the new American video for "Release Me". Seriously, have they painted her black to cash in on the urban market? Someone call Oprah!

THE VOTING:

Aaron (1. Agnes 2. Whitney 3. The Sugababes 4. The Saturdays 5. Shakira)
Blake (1. Gossip 2. Agnes 3. Shakira 4. Whitney 5. Dragonette)
Bomitoni (1. Whitney 2. LeToya 3. The Gossip 4. Bag Raiders 5. Heidi Montag)
David (1. Annie 2. Dragonette 3. Sugababes 4. Sound Of Arrows 5. Agnes)
D'Luv (1. Sound Of Arrows 2. Bag Raiders 3. Shakira 4. Annie 5. Dragonette)
Enric (1. Annie 2. Sugababes 3. Shakira 4. Passion Pit 5. Sound Of Arrows)
Gordon (1. Dragonette 2. Agnes 3. Whitney 4. Shakira 5. LeToya)
Guy (1. Shakira 2. The Gossip 3. Heidi Montag 4. Whitney 5. Sugababes)
Jay (1. Le Toya 2. Sugababes 3. Shena)
Jennifer (1. Marina 2. Whitney 3. Dragonette 4. The Saturdays 5. The Gossip)
John (1. Agnes 2. LeToya 3. The Gossip 4. Whitney 5. Bag Raiders)
Ken (1. The Saturdays 2. Marina 3. Agnes 4. Empire Of The Sun 5. Passion Pit)
Mike (1. Marina 2. Heidi Montag 3. Bluey Robinson 4. Chae Yeon 5. Whitney)
Moogaboo (1. Annie 2. Bag Raiders 3. Kim Sozzi 4. Shakira 5. The Gossip)
Nasty G (1. Sugababes 2. The Saturdays 3. Shakira 4. Preston 5. Kim Sozzi)
Nikki (1. The Saturdays 2. Agnes 3. Sugababes 4. Chae Yeon 5. Sound Of Arrows)
Pablo (1. Agnes 2. Annie 3. The Saturdays 4. Sugababes 5. Dragonette)
Paul (1. Marina 2. Shakira 3. Sound Of Arrows 4. Whitney 5. Annie)
Poster Girl (1. Agnes 2. Sound Of Arrows 3. Heidi Montag 4. Annie 5. Shakira)
Robpop (1. Agnes 2. Empire Of The Sun 3. The Saturdays 4. Shena 5. Sound Of Arrows)
The Prophet (1. Whitney 2. Bluey Robinson 3. Heidi Montag 4. Bag Raiders 5. Annie)
Tommie (1. Heidi Montag 2. Kim Sozzi 3. Marina 4. Whitney 5. Shakira)
Tony (1. Annie 2. Sugababes 3. Sound Of Arrows 4. Dragonette 5. The Saturdays)

Death Of The Sugababes?

In what is surely the final death knell for England's greatest ever girlband (after Vanilla), Amelle has apparently quit the Sugababes to pursue a solo career. According to media reports Z grade urban diva Jade Ewen has been roped in as a replacement but I really think it's time to pull the plug. The girls never really got over the departure of the realest girl in pop (speaking of Mutya, she's in the news again herself after unveiling new breast and butt implants!) and another line-up change would be disastrous - particularly with their latest studio album "Sweet 7" already in the can and waiting for release. Are they really going to go back and re-record the whole thing? I'm sure Amelle has her reasons (ie. she's a money hungry fame whore) but I think it's quite low to pull a stunt like this with a new album on the way. Sure, she recently scored a #1 hit but so did Mel C and she can't give her CDs away for free outside of lesbian nightclubs. The person I feel the sorriest for in this whole debacle is Keisha. That poor bitch has been the backbone of the group since 1998 and now has to deal with yet another ungrateful slut slapping her in the face. I think she should call Mutya and release a stunning duet about well hung women overcoming adversity. Take take Amelle! In the meantime, let's pay tribute to possibly the last incarnation of the Sugababes by re-watching their Pop Trash Addicts interview. RIP.

The Sugababes Do Pop Trash Addicts!

A couple of weeks ago a bunch of bloggers were asked to submit a question to the Sugababes, which they would then address in a video. I never thought they would answer my insightful query ("Is Mutya the realest girl in pop?") and as it turns out, they didn't. They did, however, respond to my plea for tips on getting sexy! I've been getting a lot of less than subtle hints lately ("you should grow your hair, then we can style it" and "that cardigan has to go"), so I thought I would turn to the sexperts for help. And the Babes came through! I swear Keisha needs her own talk show. She rambles on about being confident despite your bodyshape (did someone send her my high school photos?) and suggests buying a nice perfume. Oprah has nothing on this diva! Amelle then talks about dressing down and getting your hair done, while Heidi preaches healthy living. It's all completely riveting and absolutely adorable but my favourite part? When Amelle says "you're watching Pop Trash Addicts". I nearly cried!

The Sugababes' amazing new single and recent Pop Panel champion "Get Sexy" is released in the UK this week. Download it now from iTunes or order the physical single from Amazon or HMV. Also, make sure you check out the Babes' fabulous response to Chart Rigger's classy question!

Pop Panel - Week 13

Sorry that I'm so late with this week's Pop Panel. I intended to post it on Sunday but my computer crashed and I had to go to hospital on Monday. Anyway, I'm back home now and can re-focus on more fabulous things like trashy girlbands and perhaps the most heinous cover version of all time. I have to admit that I'm a bit disappointed with this week's outcome. I like the winner but the 4th and 5th place getter's are more my cup of vodka. What's the world coming to when a D-List Dutch diva with a song about acting like a bitch when she's pissed (accompanied by a stunning video clip that looks like it has been filmed on a mobile phone - no less!) isn't getting perfect scores on Pop Trash Addicts? I'm outraged! Helping determine this week's dubious winner are:

D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog.
Paul (UK) writer of Fizzy Pop
Rob (UK) writer of Don't Stop The Pop
The Prophet (AUS) writer of The Prophet

Pablo is taking a break to enjoy some Spanish cock, so I've roped in the services of these hot bitches:

Diva Incarnate (Scotland) writer of Diva Incarnate
Jamie (UK) writer of Tat Parade
Tony (Spain) writer of Tornado

I'm really excited to have these high brow music critics on board. The Diva's ability to blog under the influence of (what I assume to be) hard drugs continues to stun and amaze me, while Jamie and Tony are close personal friends. Jamie is probably best known for founding the Church of La Toya but his blog is a hugely underrated delight. The toytastic banner is in his honour. Tony, on the other hand, is a notorious Spanish blogger, exhibitionist and DJ - and played host to me while I was in Madrid. How I miss Casa Tornado!

Here are the results ranked as usual from lowest to highest.

Village Boys – Better The Devil You Know (Video)

Germany's gay boyband interpret Kylie's signature tune.

Diva Incarnate: "I can't ask for more, I'll cum if u shud call" is probably a line from one of their gaydar profiles. Is the black gay miming to a Millie Jackson ghost vocal? It's too feminine to say. 0/5
D'Luv: Big Fun really aren't aging too well, are they? 0.5/5
Jamie: Where did this tragic bunch of tuneless over the hill queens come from? The backing track is pure Klone Records, and the vocals, sweet Jesus, did they record them on the dancefloor of some lowdown leather club! Whoever funded this was obviously high. Hopefully someone from Al kylieda will make a mash up of this with Kylie's vocals. Now that would be something special, this however is beyond the pale. 1/5
Mike: I started this blog to worship trash like The Village Boys but these gays break my one and only rule - DON'T FUCK WITH KYLIE. 0/5
Paul: Blimey, outrivalling Bearforce 1 in the stereotype stakes, this is possibly the worst cover of BTDYK (THE best Kylie song ever) I've ever heard. It's all wrong - the voice, the half hearted dancing, the infernal backing track stripping out the melody - at least Steps version was pretty true to the original. Bring back the devil horns!! 0.5/5
Rob: Okay, if your going to do a cover of this specific song you have to change it somewhat. You can't do a straight copy. Ahem. You have to either pump it up with steroids or botox it with beautiful strings. Kylie always morphs the song when on tour. Again, I'm being harsh but I think its unoriginality gets in the way. 0/5
The Prophet: Is this a parody? I can't tell if it's for real or not. This is a hot motherfuckin' mess, but at least it's better than Kylie's shrill nasal whining so it gets half a point for that. 0.5/5
Tony: Too gay. Even for me. Could be a hit at the Spanish Coast, maybe Torremolinos. The good thing is that you know your tune is a classic when they do a cover of it. Ask Mylène Farmer and Kate Ryan. Kylie should be proud. Or not, because they're not even cute. 0/5
Total: 2.5/40

Blue Juice – Broken Legs (Video)

This local band has scored an unexpected commercial breakthrough with their skipping anthem! Please note - the song doesn't actually start until around the three minute mark.

Diva Incarnate: I am not even interested enough to look for 'bounce' inside their jogging pants in the video - it's a 'no' from me. 0/5
D'Luv: I'd need a lot of booze for this one. 1/5
Jamie: I'm not hating on it, but I would never listen to this in a month of moons. 2/5
Mike: I love this. Blue Juice bring back 80s pub rock with a poptastic modern twist. "Broken Leg" perks me up every time it comes on the radio. 4/5
Paul: Eep. Hate the name of the group. Not too keen on the song either. I think this must be one of those love it or hate it type malarkies and I ain't overly keen. Listen to it without watching the skippity skip video and it ain't entertaining at all. Booooo. A poor effort. 1/5
Rob: Finally, something fabulous. I shaved off points though for the awful introduction. Boring and not as funny as they think it is. I love it though. 2.5/5
The Prophet: Borrrrrrrrrrring. NEXT! 0/5
Tony: Mike, are you kidding me? Is it a parody or for real? I've got a broken leg myself and I don't feel compelled to do stupid videos on Youtube. 0/5
Total: 10.5/40

Kelly Clarkson – Already Gone (Video)

the third single from Kelly's latest album.

Diva Incarnate: Like skidmarks that will not flush, KFC (Kelly Fucking Clarkson) blames it all on Beyonce - she's the new Solange. Is she singing about her stretchmarks? 2/5
D'Luv: Let me know when Kelly does a full album with Max Martin. 1.5/5
Jamie: Poor Kelly Clarkson, she should appeal to me as a sort of plain Jane underdog type in a sea of plastic Disney Channel faux rock chicks, but she is so boring, and fuck me this is s bad as anything she's done! I wish she was already gone, how tiresome. 1.5/5
Mike: It's not Kelly's fault that Ryan Tedder recycles songs like most people recycle garbage but this unfortunate incident just proves how much better Beyonce's version is in every single way. "Halo" is one of 2009's best tracks, this is just abysmal. 1/5
Paul: All the kerfuffle over "Halo" vs "Already Gone" is quite boring to me. Ryan Tedder is hardly the most innovative of writers - he channels the same sound into all his songs, so why people bitch and moan about it after the fact is beyond me. It's quite a nice song in it's own right. 3/5
Rob: Ah the dangerous pitfalls of working with hot producers. For sure, it'll sound like something else. The video is nice but this is incredibly unoriginal. Even the Beyonce original was tedious. Kelly's voice is less grating though than the 'original' singer. However, despite its greatness as a singular song what kind of fool does she take us for (we've heard all that before). 0/5
The Prophet: Amazing. I hate Kelly's new album but this is one of the standout tracks and she sings the song with a lot of emotion and feeling, probably because she wrote it. 5/5
Tony: I simply can't stand her. Show me the remixes. Could be great with an uplifting Freemasons remix. boooring. 1/5
Total: 15/40

EliZe – I Can Be A Bitch (Below)

This classy jam is the 4th single from EliZe's sophomore album.

Diva Incarnate: Addictively contrived, Elize's charming lyrics put Lisa Scott-Lee to shame, and not since Jenny Frost's almost mythical "Don't Fuck With Me" has a singer sounded so engagingly pleased with herself adding insult to injury on a ropey dance track. Her rich and powerful purr becomes more and more memorable with every accompanying beat. 4/5
D'Luv: I can be a bitch, too, baby. For instance, check out this score: 0/5
Jamie: I love the economical video! Is she saying: "you're out of luck; you should've given me a fuck tonight?" – That's what I'm hearing!! Anyway, this one ticks all the tragic boxes for me. It's grim, but I can't help myself, it's so damn trash-tastic! I’ll have to track down some more of EliZe’s efforts after hearing this bouncy gem. 4/5
Mike: EliZe is my goddess! How dare this not be the single of the week! With stunning lyrics like "You're out of luck, that's right - shouldn't have met me on vodka night!", this should have raked in perfect scores across the board! The haters on this Panel wouldn't know good music if it fisted them! 5/5
Paul: Oh how fun, how kooky, how daring that she says bitch. Oh how sarcastic I'm being. Another song without many redeeming features. At least have the courage of your convictions - Meredith Brook WAS a bitch, not just occasionally. Do like the cat meow thing at the end of the first chorus though. 1/5
Rob: Wow, Rachel Stevens is back! I love this but what is it with this weeks entries? Only two (Broken Leg & No Angels) sound absolutely original. EliZe sounds fabulous to be sure. But I feel like I've totally heard this all before. 1/5
The Prophet: I should like this for it's trash factor but for some reason it's just not happening. 1/5
Tony: Is this Schlager music? Kind of catchy though... I can be a better bitch than her, believe me. 3/5
Total: 19/40

Eva Simons – Silly Boy (Video)

Eva the Dutch diva scored a record 4 million hits on youtube when the audio leaked and was mistaken for Rihanna.

Diva Incarnate: Deliberately muscling into Lady Gaga's territory, this is like a raucous Atari riot shoot 'em up, shaded with chugging guitars and goes flat out using spat out flustered vocals. 4.5/5
D'Luv: "Hey, I have an idea—I'm gonna rip off Rihanna's hair and sound, and then totally cop La Roux's video for 'In For The Kill.' It'll surely work for me, too, right?" 0/5
Jamie: Well somebody thinks they're Rihanna, is this cheap knock-off week or something? I like the car in the video but that distraction aside - the chorus on this is sadly lacking and that's what these kind of songs really rely on. I'm not really keen on it, there's not much else to say except that Eva should get her own act because this is lame. 2/5
Mike: Eva has booked herself a spot in the swagga jackin' Hall of Fame with this effort. Hair by Elly Jackson, outfit courtesy of Lady GaGa and a song that was probably stolen from Rihanna while she was getting bashed by Chris Brown. The thing is - I couldn't give a fuck. "Silly Boy" is a stunning anthem that actually stands toe to toe with the aforementioned pop heavyweights which is an amazing achievement for an unknown Dutch diva. Eva has plenty of time to carve out her own niche. In the meantime this gem has serious international potential. 5/5
Paul: It's weird that I kind of like the sound that apparently is ripping off Lady Gaga (Cascada, now Eva) but don't actually like the Cuckoo'd one herself. I do think this is rather funky and enjoyable. And I think it will sound quite good played loud at my local pub so I will give it a 4/5.
Rob: Sigh. This is both amazing and utterly lame. Amazing because the girl who used to be in the Dutch version of Girls Aloud (Raffish) has given us a stunning video, look and bewildering song. On that reason alone I might have given its full marks. It is indeed one of the strongest entries to Pop Panel. But of course everything about this reeks unoriginality. Eva & her creative team are somewhat like the kid in the exams who is sat next to an A star student and copies all the answers. I don't even have to mention the other female acts Eva has copied as its so blatant. I seriously wanted to adore this. But its obvious plagiarism gets in the way. I'm being incredibly harsh here but I think its deserved. 0/5
The Prophet: Can people PLEASE stop ripping off Lady GaGa and RedOne! I beg of you! This song and video is absolute garbage and it's probably one of my least liked songs of the year. 1/5
Tony: The La Roux hairstyle seems to be in fashion these days. And the Rihanna dance as well... Is her dress made with straws? Love it! 3/5
Total: 19.5/40

Nikki 16 – Come And Get Me (Video)

America's trashiest new girlband unleash their debut single.

Diva Incarnate: Bulging with neo-camp single entendres, they still feel the need to spell out lyrics such as 'he's got something heavy on his mind' by smugly interjecting 'like me' as if there could be any doubt. Their horrifically inflated self-worth, with shuddering momentum and soldered vocals, somehow fails to hit any erogenous zones but the overall discharge has a slick and infectious consistency. 3.5/5
D'Luv: Slutty! This sounds like the type of garbage I'd love if I were 15 and hanging out at the rollerskating rink. That gets it a: 4/5
Jamie: They look a little bit like a 21st Century Vanity 6 without any of the funk or fabulousness that a sassy R&B all-girl trio needs. This is so bland, I doubt even Brooke Hogan would bother herself with it. This isn't doing a thing for me. 1/5
Mike: I love these trashy sluts. I just wish their song was a bit stronger. I love the old school R'n'B overtones and any group that pays homage to Vanity 6 is fine by me. Hopefully the follow up is edgier. 3/5
Paul: Ok first off that "yo this is Nikki 16" awfulness at the start has got to go. So has the tired old boob 2 vadge rub that all girl groups do in the videos nowadays to try and be sexual. It doesn't work. The song is really boring too - it really doesn't stand out. Even Girls Can't Sing's catchy little number is much better than this. 1/5
Rob: This is slightly out of date. But that doesn't make it bad. Sounds a lot like a Brandy (Full Moon) reject. I like it. Its not a single but a very strong album track. 2/5
The Prophet: Vanity/Apollonia/Mary Jane Girls 2009 here we come! 5/5
Tony: 3 instead of 7? Here comes the American Sugababes! And microphones are so 2000 and late... 1/5
Total: 20.5/40

No Angels - One Life (Video)

The latest single from Germany's most succesful girlband.

Diva Incarnate: These girls can't quite crank up the skank like Nikki 16; instead they give a decent performance, with raining sun-reflecting synths and stodgy nose-blocked vocals spread on top, but the comedy rap is far too vanilla to make anything twitch down south. 3.5/5
D'Luv: Seems promising until the chorus, which is a drag. Maybe Sugababes shoulda done this song, instead? Extra point for the decent vid. 2.5/5
Jamie: This one is okay, I think the verses are reasonable, and the first part of the chorus is a bit weak, but when they get going, on what I'm going to call the second part of the chorus, it really works! It's a patchy effort but I like it and I would probably listen to it again, maybe the track will gel after a few spins. These girls could do worse than try the UK with this one. 3.5/5
Mike: All of these girls have perfect faces for radio, which is one of the many reasons they haven't really made it outside Germany. However, this is probably their catchiest song since "Daylight In My Eyes". I hate the spoken interlude though. 3.5/5
Paul: Quite nice. I've always sort of ignored them but I wouldn't turn this off if it came on the radio (though I never listen to radio, so that's a stupid statement). I'm not exactly sure why they are dressed as sperm at the start of the vid, and I sort of expected this massive banging chorus to come in and I got stuck with that damp. Oh well. 2.5/5
Rob: Finally, something absolutely original. Hey, they're in pop and their doing electro synth pop without jumping on the Lady GaGa/RedOne bandwagon. The video is great too. Everything about One Life is amazing. I like it because its not affraid to push the boundaries. Its prepared to do electro pop and break away from the well trodden Lady GaGa approach. This ups the ante. While Eva copies, this totally updates the genre. Who'd have thought it? No Angels never really release music that is totally groundbreaking. They always play it safe. Not this time. Good girls. 5/5
The Prophet: Yes another reason why Germans make my stomach turn (sorry Mike xox). 0/5
Tony: I just love them! And the song is perfect to dance at the beach. At the beginning of the video, they look like spermatozoids. 4/5
Total: 24.5/40

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Sugababes – Get Sexy (Below)

The 'Babes get a RedOne-esque makeover for their latest single.

Diva Incarnate: Vile trash! Cum-sharing vocals dribble with proud desperation, but a chaffing still-born chorus leaves a stubborn rash like the one on Heidi's thighs. Amelle snarls 'I'm so sexy it hurts' whilst presumably rubbing KY into her herpes. It's like they think getting gangbanged in a club is showing Mutya what she's missing. 2.5/5
D'Luv: I gotta give the 'babes props for always trying something different. It's not the most immediately-catchy offering from them, but it could turn out to be a grower. 3.5/5
Jamie: When I first heard "Get Sexy" last week, I had no idea it was by these three tramps. Occasionally the Sugababes release a track worth listening too and this is one of those rare occasions. I really like this shamelessly derivative trash! It's so much better if you don't watch the video. I can't stand their faces! I can totally imagine every tragic gay bar from London to West Hollywood hammering this one over the coming months. 4/5
Mike: This is the most skanktastic the Sugababes have looked and sounded since the holy goddess of realness Mutya departed the group. For that alone I'm giving it 4/5.
Paul: I'm not sure why this is considered such a makeover or radical new direction for the sugababes - remember when they came back with the ace "Freak Like Me" after the sound of "Overload"?! Yes, I'd love more songs like "About You Now", "Push The Button" and "Every Heart Broken" but this has really grown on me. Now shut up and watch me walk! 4/5
Rob: Awful. The remixes are properly amazing though. 0/5
The Prophet: How the mighty have fallen. Bring back Mutya ASAP! 2.5/5
Tony: Definitely, one of the songs of this summer. I love the "Right Said Fred" part! These are the 'Babes we love, the slutty ones! But the video is quite low cost, even Kylie could do it better. When dj-ing, I love mixing this song with Calvin Harris' "I'm not alone". 5/5
Total: 25.5/35