Michael Jackson is crying tears of joy in heaven tonight with news that his favourite sister is about to embark on the most anticipated comeback of the century. On Tuesday the 28th of July, La Toya will finally claim her rightful place at the forefront of popular music with the release of her first official US single in over a decade. "Home" is a touching ballad that perfectly showcases the stunning beauty of Toy Toy's voice. It's also a fitting tribute to Michael and will no doubt bring a lot of comfort to his army of mourning fans. It's official - iTunes is gonna get rocked!
As much as I love "Home" and wholeheartedly approve of it being released as a single, it isn't exactly new. In fact, I voted it the best song of 2006 in my end of year countdown! At the time I wrote:
To fully appreciate this song, it helps to know a bit about Toy's life story - that she married a psychotic gangster who beat her up, drugged her, cut her off from her family and generally made her a worldwide laughing stock. La Toya wrote this song about growing up with the Jacksons and missing them during her time in exile. The result is a bittersweet ballad, which is reminiscent of Michael's "Childhood" - only good.
I feel a bit bad about that final sentence now but I stand by it. "Home" stands toe to toe with anything her siblings have recorded. It's a tender love letter to Havenhurst and has only become more poignant in light of recent events. The line about missing Joker (Toy's nickname for Michael) is so incredibly sad. You can hear the new single edit over at Bungalow Records. I prefer the four and half minute version that leaked in 2006 but it's still a triumph. No comment on the toytastic artwork (above) though!
I really hope the song is treated fairly. Insecure Janet fans are already questioning the timing of Toy's comeback - calling it tacky and tasteless but as Michael would say, that's ignorant. While Damita Ho sits on her couch eating donuts and watching anal porn, La Toya has been bravely investigating the circumstances of her brother's death. It's only right that the family looks to her for solace in their time of need and hopefully "Home" does the trick. The 28th is still three weeks away, so check out this amazing promo in the meantime. Be warned, this footage has been known to generate explosive toygasms!
This was my 9th Pop Panel and I'm still no better at predicting winners. I thought this week's champion was a dark horse at best but the victorious diva kicked the competition to the curb and posted one of the highest scores in Panel history. It's a great song and a deserving winner but I'm not convinced it's quite as amazing as my fellow judges seem to think. Speaking of those hos, this week's Panel consists of:
In addition to those guys we also have a celebrity judge - Natalie from RAEN. I'm a big fan of the group and consider them one of the most underrated pop acts in Australia. The girls spent most of last year trying to crack the UK pop scene but have returned home to release their amazing debut album, which is currently available to download from iTunes. "After The Storm" is fantastic from beginning to end and includes their recent club smash "Honey" as well as their latest single "Drama Fanatic" (below). I'm slightly miffed at the absence of the amazing "Get Right Back" but the rest of the songs more than make up for it. Natalie tells me that the girls are gearing up for a national tour, so keep an eye on RAEN's myspace for more details. I can't wait to see them strut their stuff live! Here are the results in order from least to most popular:
A Romanian underwear model launches her music career with a little help from Basshunter.
Jay: Complete and utter fucking SHITE! I can't believe someone covered that shitefest to start with... and it is getting played on Clubland TV with irritating frequency. 0/5 John: I've heard this a few times, and it does not age well. The original's a Euro-pop classic, so any cover will pale in comparison. And what's up with the black light GaGa look? 1/5 Mike: Alina is a vision of class and elegance. I love her stunning vocodered vocals and the catchy O-Zone sample. They should give more Romanian hookers record deals! 4/5 Natalie: Basshunter's beats can make a track quite strong but there's nothing special about this remake. She gets a point for the neon. Gotta get some neon makeup for my next night out! 3/5 Rob: The United Nations have to ban this song from ever being sampled, covered or performed only unless its the original. Utter shit. 0/5 Paul: Isn't this essentially the same song that some weird boyband recorded a couple of years ago and the video was of them running around some plane? It's really not very good in this made for the masses boobs out dance genre, is it? The answer to that question is "no". 1/5 The Prophet: One of my favourite things in the world is glamour models becoming pop stars, but this sucks ass, and not in the good way. T.I. & Rihanna's Numa Numa sample in "Live Your Life" shits all over this trash. 0/5 Total: 9/35
X Factor reject Chenai covers Sarah Connor's "Bounce".
Jay: Stunning! With massive mammaries to rival the infamous DanniiBaps, some suitable talent in the video and a nice almost 90's vibe. 4.5/5 John: The vocals are okay, the track is kinda hot, but they don't mesh. Kind of a hot mess all wrapped up in a bad video. 2/5 Mike: A hideous destruction of Sarah's only international hit! Not impressed. 0/5 Natalie: Sorry but I prefer the original, and baby those melons are about to bounce out the door! 1/5 Paul: It's a testament to Chenai's personality and distinctive voice that an X-factor nut like me doesn't even remember who she is. And oh goodie, a dance cover of a song designed for the made for the masses boobs out dance genre. I am getting tired of these faceless tunes. I'm even starting to like Cascada. Sweet Jesus. 2/5 Rob: I'd much prefer the original singer release this in the UK however Chenai is okay. The video is amazing. Love it. 3/5 The Prophet: You must know that you've really hit the bottom of the barrel when you're covering Sarah Connor. 0/5 Total: 12.5/35
Jay: I could only endure 35 seconds of this aural turd - and as for the video, it is so desperately try hard, it makes Tranny CaCa look positively demure, understated and frumpy. 0/5 John: Why didn't he just call this "Major Tom (Coming Home), The Sequel"? It's okay, but it could have been great. He just got lazy. 3/5 Mike: Everything about this song is great except Patrick. Shame because the production is dazzling and the lyrics are fantastic. Maybe he should start writing for other people. 2/5 Natalie: Haven't heard of Patrick but a very original video & great special effects. Love the use of strings in this track. 3/5 Paul: Oh fuck. I really don't like Patrick, but I do like everything about this tune with one exception: His voice. It just doesn't work for me. It sounds pretty decent in the chorus but the tone of it grates on me. Quite good song though (I can see why he's pissed at La Poux) so overall. 3/5 Rob: There are cutting edge looks and looking like a bit of a prat. Patrick falls in-between the two. However only the video gives off that impression. The song itself is very good. It's held back by his voice but give "Hard Times' to Andreas Kleerup and he'd make it amazing. At the moment it stands too near the cliff labelled "trying too hard to be cool". 2/5 The Prophet: I hated the video with a passion but if I close my eyes and just focus on the music it's all good. The beat sounds like Britney's "Toxic" on acid. 4/5 Total: 17/35
Malena Gracia – Quiero Volar (Below)
Busty Spanish gay icon releases her latest club anthem.
Jay: Iconic! The video looks like cheap "Babe Station" erotica - and I was expecting the two blokes to start going at it hammer & tongs at any moment! A stunning slice of throw away Spanish Pop. 4.5/5 John: I might have liked it more if I hadn't watched the video. Not bad, but it sure ain't great. Even her dancers are middle-aged! 2.5/5 Mike: Madonna wishes she had one tenth of Malena's talent and beauty. 5/5 Natalie: Spanish vocals always seem to make a song sexier. Great vocals & a great rack to match! 3/5 Paul: Her sultry vocal style and the lush way the Spanish lyrics dance over the melody and bounce off the beats raise this up from generic club thumper (which certainly the backing track is) to quite enticing but not quite brilliant flamenco epic. 3.5/5 Rob: She gives Spanish europop a bad name. 0/5 The Prophet: This can't be serious. 0/5 Total: 18.5/35 Cobra Starship Ft Leighton Meester – Good Girls Go Bad (Video)
Gossip Girl star teams up with Cobra Starship for her pop debut.
Jay: MEH. Rather forgettable and sounds like Rihanna meets one SHIT wonders Bodyrockers. 1/5 John: I SO want to hate this song, but resistance is futile. 3/5 Mike: This sums up everything good about American pop at the moment. It's a collision of pop, rock, urban and electro elements with one hell of a catchy chorus. 4/5 Natalie: Leighton looks absolutely gorgeous and is a great singer. Looking forward to more from her, oh and I love her red shoes in the clip! 4/5 Paul: I'm surprised by how much I like this. It's quite the thrashy punk pop anthem that every now and then appeals to me greatly. And of course it has Blair Waldorf warbling along in a not displeasing way. OMFG!! 4/5 Rob: Autotune princess alert! Wow, this is so close to being good it's tragic. I think with time I'll start to see something qualitative in it but at the moment its like a focus group de-selected all the current smash hits in the charts and produced Good Girls Go Bad. As a consequence, every second sounds like a snippet of another song of the last 15 months. Its a monster of song but in the beautifully grotesque Frankenstein way. Its been pieced together from the caste-off pieces of other pop songs and gives off the odour of nasty death. 0/5 The Prophet: I was obsessed with this when it first leaked but the appeal wears off quickly. It's still a good and catchy electro pop-rock track though, and Leighton is pretty fierce even if she's jacking Holly Valance's swag (google 'Body Control'). 3.5/5 Total: 19.5/35
Jay: Whitney Binter needs to fuck off - I'm glad this has been removed so I don't have to endure this crack addicted vibrator loving train wreck and her shitefests. 0/5 John: Crack IS whack. It actually isn't that bad of a vocal, but she's a shadow of what she used to be. 2.5/5 Mike: The perfect comeback. It would have been ridiculous for Whitney to return with a love song or club banger. "I Didn't Know My Own Strength" is a musical letter of explanation to her fans. The lyrics sometimes sound like they were stolen from a Hallmark card but Whitney sings her heart out. I particularly love the subtle production. This could have easily been a hellish Leona Lewis scream-a-thon with a tacky Eurovision key change. Instead, it takes the high road and leaves the focus on Whitney's battered but still beautiful voice. As it should be. 4.5/5 Nat: I'm a massive Whitney fan and she has undeniably one of the best female voices of all time but this song is so cheesy! I hope the rest of the album is of better quality. 2/5 Paul: Hmmm. When I first heard this, i didn't hate it but I was grossly disappointed. It just didn't scream epic return to the top of the charts. I hate hate hate to say it but Whitters (which really should be her twitter name) should have come back with the last 2 PCD songs (J'Ai Ho and Hush Hush - they would have been even more massive whitneyfied) - that would have at least kept her somewhat relevant. However, the more I hear this, the more I am warming to it, and her crack addled voice now comes across as a smoky chantreuse sort of vibe. Hurrah. I re-like Whitters. 3.5/5 Rob: This has so much potential but fails to deliver the money shot. Its like the song itself "didn't know its own strength". There are moments when you expect it to go all Shirley Bassey but the drama never comes. Tragically. It has nearly everything else. Great lyrics. Powerful strings and wonderful beats. All that its missing is glorious key change after the middle eight. 2/5 The Prophet: Subtle, understated, powerful, emotional! Half-Whit shows ya'll how to be a REAL diva, and refuses to succumb to cheap pop trends like Mariah did. 5/5 Total: 19.5/35
The English language debut from Korea's biggest girlband.
Jay: Fabulous! I love almost everything about it and it craps all over VILE talentless trollops Hoez Afoul and the SaTURDays from an infinite height.Though the chorus could use a bit more bite. 4/5 John: The song's really good, but the second singer's vocal just killed the momentum. And two weeks in a row with the toilets? Come on! 4/5 Mike: I slightly prefer the original Korean version but the song is still sublime. "Nobody" is everything Girls Aloud tried and failed to achieve with "The Promise" - perfect retro pop with nods to The Three Degrees and The Shirelles. 5/5 Natalie: Surprisingly this has to be my favourite! I'm loving the Wonder Girls. A funny and clever video. The girls have great choreography and is quite a catchy song. 4/5 Rob: I am not impressed. This could be performed by absolutely anybody. There is a severe lack of character. Louise could have recorded this back in 1996. 0/5 Paul: The only element of wonder in the wonder girls is it is a wonder they even have a record contract at all. 1/5 The Prophet: This so one of those stupid insanely catchy songs that ends up being a massive smash, like Mambo #5 or something. Wonder Girls are my new obsession! 5/5 Total: 23/35
SINGLE OF THE WEEK
Jay: Take that Beyawnsay and Smelly! You bitches ain't got no shit on LeToya (and probably on LaTavia or LaTisha or whatever her name was). Bonus points for the showering bloke in Zee Altugevvah! Reminds me of La Lopez back in her J Lo diva mode. 5/5 John: NOW we're talkin'. This is the hotness, even without a shower scene! 4.5/5 Mike: LeToya brings some old school diva attitude to the table with this jam. I love the hot beats and the fierce lyrics. I can't wait for her album. 4.5/5 Natalie: Liking the attitude.. but she ain't got shit on RAEN! LOL 2/5 Paul: Charming title aside, this is ok. I think it's fair to say this is probably the most different of the solo destiny tracks floating around this summer. 2.5/5 Rob: Finally something with a slick beat, rnb backdrop and electro echoes. Woah, she's even secured a catchy chorus. None of the other songs contain anything close to a remarkable catchy chorus. This is pop quality here. I love this. To be sure the lyrics are "ahem" but putting that aside every moment of this song contains new elements that make love it even more. If I could give it 6/5 i would! But I can't. 5/5 The Prophet: Kelly Rowland could never... Beyonce could never... All ya faves could never... 5/5 Total: 28.5/35
I seem to be doing a lot of interviews lately but this is definitely one of my favourites. Luciana is an incredibly versatile talent. Most people know her as the guest vocalist on massive dance hits by Bodyrox and Taio Cruz but that's just the tip of the iceberg. Luciana started out as a solo pop diva in the early 90s before joining Crush (of "Jellyhead" fame) later that decade. She then re-surfaced as the lead singer of rock band Shooter (Dawson's Creek fans will remember their hit "Life's A Bitch") and even helped to create her own musical genre with pioneering electro-punk group Portobella. Moreover, Luciana is pop's ultimate survivor. The diva has been dropped by more labels than Dannii over the past 15 years but she always comes back bigger and better than ever. Proof in point - she currently has two albums (a solo project and a collaboration with Bodyrox) awaiting release and a hot new single set to drop later this month. I loved hearing about the different stages of Luciana's varied career and feel like I've gained some insight into the brutal business of making music. I hope you enjoy it.
Let's start with your stint at Chrysalis Records in the early 90s. Songs like"Get It Up For Love"and"If You Want"are 90s pop gems. Do you have happy memories from that period? Yes, of course. This was my very first Record deal so it was all very new and exciting at the time. I moved to Battersea and lived alone for this period so parties and naughtiness came hand in hand. Happy days!!!
Tell us more about your debut album."One More River"is the only ballad I've ever heard you sing. I love it and the video defies belief. What do you make of the choir in the clouds now? I was 18 and very green about the whole music business so I was over the moon to get to do my first album with Anne Dudley of Art of Noise and got to co-write the album and the music with Anna Lee. Also getting to work with Danny D was utter fabulousness. The video for "One More River" was an amazing experience being up in those clouds. I can remember the feeling to this day. The set was just beautiful... the angels and heavens came down to earth that day to be in my video!
The next step in your incredibly diverse career was joining girlband Crush. I guess they are best remembered for "Jellyhead". Did you actually sing on that record? Well they asked me if I wanted to go on tour in America with Donna Air from Crush, so I said 'hell yeah'. It was laugh a minute with Donna, she's a riot girrrrl. I didn't sing on that single but I recorded songs for the album.
You completely reinvented yourself as a rock chick with the band Shooter."Life's A Bitch"is such an anthem, would you consider doing more rock in the future? I love the Shooter album so much. I'm so proud of what we achieved. I never say never to anything so who knows. I am always writing not just for myself but for other artists so yes to more rock!!! The important thing is to continue to write good songs, whatever the style.
The next step was forming Portobella."Covered In Punk"got so much hype - Did you think you'd finally found your niche? Is the group over or just on hold? Wow! Good question. I think this album was my first step into a more electro sound being that it was done with Michael Gray and Nick Clow. He wanted to do more song based stuff and I wanted to explore the dance world so it was a perfect meeting of minds. Again, I'm so very proud of this album. We got dropped from Island soon after so the album never really got to where it should have, but, this is the music business. It is what it is. The band disbanded and we moved on. I still write with Michael Gray on other projects.
Your big breakthrough was"Yeah Yeah"with Bodyrox. Did you think then that it would turn you into such a dance phenomenon? Not at all. You never know what will happen and this song came out of nowhere. I was stunned. Amazed. Gobsmacked. And of course, so happy. If you think I'd had 3 records deals and this particular song was the song that got to number 2..... I think the lesson I learnt here was to always remain flexible and open because you never know what's around the corner!! From this, Bodyrox and myself have just finished an album due for release in September.
"Bigger Than Big","Party Animal","I Wish You Would","What Planet You On"- all amazing dance collaborations. Do you have a favourite? I think one of my favs is "I Wish You Would" because that's my Ode to Jackie Stallone. It's the reason I'm singing in that American accent in the verses. Do you remember when she went on Big Brother? My friends and I spoke 'Jackie' for a week. The week I recorded "I Wish You Would"... isn't life funny!
Taio Cruz's"Come On Girl"was massive and you got to kiss a hot cop in the video. Result! Wouldn't it have been more fun to pash Taio? What does pash mean??? I'm confuzzled! He is adorable and very talented. I had mucho fun shooting that vid in LA.
Pash = kiss! "Featuring Luciana" compiles many of your collaborations with different acts. Do you think you'll ever release another album in your own name? Well, funnily enough, I got re-signed to Island Records and recorded an album for myself. If you go tomy Myspaceyou'll hear the songs. For me, this album is the pinnacle of what I am as a songwriter and artist. We did a gig at Hoxton Square, The Underbelly and it went down really well. The funny thing is, I've now been released from Island Records (I asked to be let go this time because it was clear that they really didn't know what to do with me ...the story of my life with record companies!!!) so here I was, with this great album, with no record company. What am I gonna do with these songs? It was then I decided to just do a gig!!! Just for me to sing my songs. Simple. No pressure, just sing. I had a ball... now we are finding a way to release them ourselves via myspace/iTunes. So they should be available soon. It's actually very freeing not being in a deal, just doing it yourself with your team around you. Without my team all these things wouldn't happen.
Your latest anthem"I Like That"is another corker. How did it come about? My old manager Clive Black hooked us up with Dennis White. Dennis already had the groove and I came up with the lyric/melody. This is one of my favourite songs since "Yeah Yeah". It's so raw I can taste the club dirt!
The video is amazing. Who came up with the concept? We, my team, Stephen and David Burgoyne storyboarded this video, hired a camcorder and shot throughout the day in different locations in London. Because Dennis and Richard are based in LA they wanted something intrinsically London. Also the idea was to make it Warholian in post production. Which is what they did. I love this video. It's so very simple and impactful. In fact, Shena (of the "Weekend" track) saw the video and want us to do one for her!! Fabulous.
I featured "I Like That" on myPop Paneland some of the judges criticised it for being "more of the same". How do you respond? Do you worry about being typecast as "the hot chick that features on great dance tracks"? I think the main is thing is if I like it, then I'm happy! If some people dont, then that's cool. You can't please everyone so just please yourself!
In the past you've mentioned submitting tracks for Kylie's "X" album. Did she demo any of them? At one point we had Kylie pencilled in to come in the studio which is in our house. That was funny! Didn't happen in the end. The tracks we did got down to the last 3 for her album but never came to fruition in the end. Like I said before, it is what is. You write the songs then you have to just let them go and hope something happens... otherwise this industry can eat you up... and because I work in it, you have to adapt to the fact that it's very up and down and things don't awlays go the way you'd want/expect. So don't expect... just write, write, write... then write some more!!!
What's next for Luciana? Can I suggest "One More River 2009"? I love the fact that you love that song!!! What's next??? Bodyrox album, releasing of my own material and this bacon sandwich I'm about to eat! Oh, Bodyrox is coming to tour Oz soon at festivals so watch out!!! Thanks Mike xxx
I never thought Taylor Swift would feature on this blog. It's not that I hated her, she just wasn't on my radar at all. I remember hearing her debut album a couple of years ago and mentally filed it away in my "crap country" drawer next to Kellie Pickler and Carrie Underwood. I didn't even bother listening to "Fearless" when it was released and basically forgot all about Taylor until "Love Story" swept all that came before it. That modern day interpretation of Romeo & Juliet was pretty hard to resist. Admittedly, the lyrics are cheesy enough to raise your cholesterol but you'd have to be made of stone not to be sucked in by all that teenage longing and heartache. More impressive was the song's ability to seamlessly blend country and pop elements in a way that hasn't been seen since the glory days of Shania Twain. As much as I enjoyed "Love Story", I thought it might have been a fluke until I heard "You Belong With Me". Has Shania finally been replaced as the Queen of country-pop?
Don't get me wrong, I love vintage Shania and I'm sure the old girl still has a few new tricks up her sleeve but it would be a miracle if she could come back from the career destroying "Up" debacle. That world music bonus disc is quite possibly the most heinous recording in the history of music! Thankfully, Taylor's here to fill the country-pop void left by the Canadian superstar. And she's doing it with ease if "You Belong With Me" is any indication. I love everything about this song. It's cute, catchy and totally authentic. I'm so sick of teenagers singing material that was clearly intended for 30 year olds. You can tell "You Belong With Me" was written by a teenage girl ("She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts, she's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers") and that's a large part of what makes it so endearing. I also love the winning country-lite production. If you took away that jangly banjo line (not that you'd want to), I doubt this would even classify as country music.
I can't write about "You Belong With Me" without mentioning the amazing video clip (below). It's basically an 80s teen movie set to music. John Hughes would be proud of the storyline, which pits the school nerd against the popular girl (both played with surprising skill by Taylor) as they fight over the affections of the golden haired jock. Sure, it's a bit clichéd but the video is beautifully done and ranks as one of my favourite of the year. I've even been known to get a bit teary over the finale - this fabulous shit rivals "Pretty In Pink" in the downtrodden girl comes good stakes! "You Belong With Me" is already a top 5 hit in Australia. Download it now from iTunes or pick up the physical single from Chaos.
After a decade of massive hits in her native Estonia, "Keeping Score" represents Hannah's (not to be confused with our own legendary diva) first attempt at grabbing a slice of the UK pop pie. I featured the track on the Pop Panel a couple of weeks ago and the response was pretty mixed. Personally, I love "Keeping Score". It doesn't reinvent the wheel but it's a well crafted pop tune with a great little chorus and some killer remixes. There's something warm and uplifting about her music that really appeals to me. I couldn't wait to ask Hannah about that song, her forthcoming album and touring with Jason Donovan when I interviewed her recently. Check out what she had to say below.
Hannah, was it scary to start again from scratch in the UK?
It's always a bit scary to work in a different country to your own but it's very rewarding at the same time when you have some success.
Your music has a more organic sound than most Europop divas. Will you continue with that or have you made a conscious decision to embrace the dance genre?
I plan on doing my music and finding new fans in lots of different genres – I had a big hit in the US dance charts in 2002 so it's really cool to be doing dance music again and being part of its major rebirth.
Was giving Beyoncé a run for her money on the club chart with "Keeping Score" completely unexpected?
Totally! It's great that "Keeping Score" is hitting the right spot in the clubs right now and I was so proud to see it chart and am so grateful that people like it.
Is that track reflective of the rest of your album? I understand you've collaborated with some amazing writers and producers.
I've been very lucky to collaborate with some amazing writers and producers – I had no idea I would be that fortunate to work with the amazing Steve Robson who co-wrote "Shine" for Take That or the legendary Steve Booker who worked with Duffy on "Mercy". You have to remember I'm just a young girl and these people are really brilliant and the fact that I could get to work with them was even more amazing. I read that you toured the UK with Jason Donovan. What was that like? Did he ever drag you on stage to sing "Especially For You"?
We had great fun touring the UK – Jason was really easygoing and friendly towards me and I loved every second of being on tour in the UK and performing and then meeting the public. That's the best bit. No "Especially For You" though! I saw him again recently in Priscilla Queen of the Desert which is on in London's West End and there were lots of Kylie jokes, very funny!
You mentioned re-recording"Blinded"as a duet. I love that song. Can you tell me who your duet partner is?
Not yet. It's all a bit secret at the moment as we are still working through stuff for it but I can't wait to give it a new flavour and new style for the dance floor. Just watch this space as I hope we can tell you soon.
Will there be any old tracks on your new album?"You & I"is so beautiful.
No it’s all brand new – we might add a bonus track though, that’s not a bad idea, thank you!
I saw the photos of your dogs onMyspace. As a crazy dog person, I can't resist asking about their age and breed.
They are amazing Akitas – and they’ve just had 8 puppies. It was beautiful and a little crazy for a while at home looking after them and eventually finding them good and loving homes.
Thanks for your time. I really hope the album takes off!
Thank you.
"Keeping Score" was released in the UK on Monday. Download it now from iTunes, 7digital, HMV or Tunetribe. The Riffs & Rays remix is now available on Australian iTunes.
This week's Pop Panel was a lot of fun. I decided to shake things up by throwing some obscure international pop acts into the mix and it was great to see how well they were recieved. If nothing else it proves that good music is universal. That's particularly true of our winners. Yes, we have a tie! I love both songs but there can only be one "Single Of The Week", so I picked an outright champion. I hope the rest of the Panel doesn't mind! Speaking of which, this week's judges are:
Unfortunately, D'Luv and Pablo have taken the week off but I've managed to round up some worthy replacements. Some of you might already know David, the fabulous exhibitionist who writes Cobrastyle (yes, that is his bulge). He's one of my favourite Spanish bloggers despite his obsession with Rachel Stevens. Our other guest judge is Tommie, who is a former Dannii's Dirty Box contributor. The Swedish bitch can now be found trolling music forums like Togerland and Pop Justice. Sadly, he doesn't have any crotch shots to share. On that classy note, here are the songs ranked from least to most popular:
Not to be confused with the Dutch Queen of Dance, Elize. This Massive Attack cover is currently burning up the club charts.
David: I have mixed feelings when a great song is turned into a dance track. It's cheap and low brow but I guess its main audience will love it. I found it extremely boring. This is not particulary fun to dance to. Believe me, I tried. 1/5 Mike: The remixes are fantastic but this edit is a bit unfortunate. I just wish Eleze would cover something a bit less iconic next time. 3/5 Paul: Ah the elusive "video not available in your country due to copy right restrictions" which puts me off her a bit before I even hear the song. Tracked it down. Wished I hadn't. 2/5 Rob: Boring. 1/5 The Prophet: There's nothing I hate more in this world than High NRG covers of old songs (I'm looking at you Cuntcada). I can't believe she covered and destroyed Massive Attack... stupid bitch! 0/5 Tommie: I was a bit afraid to listen to this as I worship the original, but this isn't as much of a nuclear disaster as I assumed it would be. Stick the original vocals on it and it would make a good remix! 3/5 Total: 10/30
The Lady GaGa sound has now officially infiltrated Sweden.
David: The Gaga similarties are the only thing we can really comment on. I think it's way too soon for the music industry to capitalize and mutate the Lady Gaga sound into something worth mentioning. 0/5 Mike: The brunette looks like she'd knife you for breathing on her. It's all a bit cheap and derivative but I like their skankiness and can't wait to hear their next low brow anthem. 2.5/5 Paul: I once knew a lesbian called Kaz (who looks like BB10's Lisa) who had those piercings all over her face. People may say this takes the Lady Gaga sound but isn't it really taking the sound of Eurythmics "Sweet Dreams" and Wynter Gordon's "Surveillance"? Which is what the GG stole anyway. That doesn't really summarise the song - sorry! It's only ok. 2.5/5 Rob: I remember seeing Kick perform at last year's Gay Pride in Sweden. Back then they were pretending to be R'n'B chicks. Now they've gone all Lady GaGa making them appear somewhat like a bitchier Lucky Twice which is okay but I think they have the potential to be more bad ass. Nice work girls but next time try a lot harder. 2/5 The Prophet: Absolute scum of a pig. Where the fuck did you find this trash? How dare this chorus be catchy! 2.5/5 Tommie: Due to the desperation and skankitude of this track, I feel like I should love it a bit more than I do. But I don't. 2/5 Total: 11.5/30
Single number two from Ciara's floptastic "Fantasy Ride".
David: The original was one of the few things I rescued from the album and it didn't need Missy Elliott to, ahem, work and I feel the need to say "shut up and let the song play" every time she appears. The fact is with no visual support it sounded like "black" Britney and her Danja-"Blackout" sound, with the video I thought of Janet's inheritance to earth (and Britney Spears must be one of them), Lady Gaga's stylist and even Beyoncé's weird dance routines and Pussycat Dolls' cheap lapdance. I don't know if it's a compliment. 3/5 Mike: Ciara has made a career jackin' Beyoncé's swagga and this is probably her most blatant act of thievery yet. Strippers will be flashing their tits to "Work" for years to come but I don't think that's going to save the poor man's Sasha Fierce taking a one way fantasy ride to Flopsville. 2.5/5 Paul: Hideous outfit in the video. And the song is pretty dreadful. That's not a chorus that's a dog barking. Ooo look, there's Missy Elliot. I rest my case. Yuck. Give me the Saturdays "Work" anyday. 1/5 Rob: There's so much potential in this but it doesn't quite 'work'. The video is amazing but the song sounds so 2002. 2/5 The Prophet: With one swing of her weave she makes all ya faves redundant! The weave spin at 3:30 defines me as a person... All ya faves could never. 5/5 Tommie: I'm not a huge Ciara fan, but this makes me feel a bit toppy Pete. It's a lot of noise, but enjoyable energetic noise. 3/5 Total: 16.5/30
VV is hoping for a hit to match the endless blog hype!
David: Her visual concepts are amazing, so amazing they don't match with the songs because the level is so high. I just wish I lived in a world where someone like her could live from her music and could sell more records than Duffy. Let's all close our eyes and let the summer sunshine burn all the bad memories away. I love it. 5/5 Mike: This poor bitch is suffocating in her own hype. VV's got talent but she's not the second coming. Having said all that, "Shark In The Water" is by far the best thing she's ever put her name to. There might be hope for her yet! 3.5/5 Paul: When will the amazing VV be as massive as, uh, Little Boots? Love this song, great guitar led verses, sweet wailing in the background before a killer chorus about a shark in the water. This really should have been sung by Deborah Gibson for her mega shark movie theme. Aces. 4/5 Rob: Heavy with cliches, I've tried my best to fall in love with VV Brown but 'Shark In the Water" is all mouth and no trousers. For sure there's a melody in there, however, she refuses to truly convey any emotion that the lyrics demand the singer own. This is about tragedy and heartbreak. Instead, VV Brown sings the song like she's trying to remember her times-tables. Very disapointing. 1/5 The Prophet: I really like VV but she's actually not as amazing as everyone makes out, or at least her songs aren't. That doesn't include "Shark In The Water" though, which is fucking amazing. VV is all things stunning and fabulous! 4.5/5 Tommie: I keep hearing and hearing and hearing about this girl and yet she never seems to live up to the hype. Stop obsessing about this girl bloggers, she ain't that good and "Shark In The Water' is average! I'm giving this a zero in protest. 0/5 Total: 18/30
Queensberry – Too Young (Above)
Germany's 2nd biggest girlband strike again.
David: The beginning made me think of Israeli pop about some yidish fag getting laid. The chorus made me think of midnineties summer singles that flirted with the Ibiza sound. Nice. 3/5 Mike: These German stunners show the UK slappers how it's done! I love the big chorus and the ever so slightly over the top synths. Consider No Angels officially kicked to the curb! 4/5 Paul: I quite like this. They do get a bit screechy in the chorus, but it's forgiveable. It's very generic pop though, which probably isn't for me. I like new things introduced slowly (except in the sack obviously, where i'm quite the whore). 3/5 Rob: No Angels, their rivals, will have to up their game when they comeback as "Too Young" is amazing. 5/5 The Prophet: It's so funny to think that there's all these random girl groups existing in other countries we've never heard of but they're really big in their homeland. Anyways I don't expect to hear from them anytime soon since they're scum trash. 2/5 Tommie: Am I the only one who thinks of dingleberries when I hear the name Queensberry? No? Just me then? Anyway, it's the usual radio fodder. Not horrible by any means, but nothing special either. 2/5 Total: 18.5/30
This local talent has been making waves for some time. "Friday" is her 2nd single.
David: Nice song but there's nothing catchy about it, I guess it could work with persistence but I can't be bothered. It's nice enough. On the other hand, the video is amazing. But let's just keep this shit about the music. 2/5 Mike: Shelley's last single was great in an incredibly depressing kind of way but thankfully this is a little more upbeat. I really hope "Friday" takes off. It would be nice to hear something this subtle and pretty on the radio. 4/5 Paul: Ooo acoustic sounding girl poetry pop. Now this is right up my street. I'm really liking this - such a pretty melody and a nice lilith fair production value. Yes, i'm quite loving this thank you very much. 4/5 Rob: Nice, if somewhat dull. 3/5 The Prophet: Hmm acoustic indie-pop, my second most hated genre. With that said I have to admit that I love this whimsical little tune, very cute! 4/5 Tommie: I usually get off on this type of indie pap, but this is just generic and after three listens I wouldn't be bothered if I never heard it again. 2/5 Total: 19/30
The lead single from Nelly's forthcoming Spanish album.
David: Don't misunderstand me - "Loose" is a tremendous album, the biggest slice of pop of its year that smashed the competition and fucked real hard on the ass of its supposed big brother "Futuresex/Lovesounds" but it wasn't a Nelly Furtado album. With some lessons learned Nelly Furtado comes back with an amazing song, that lyricaly brings her back to her "Folklore" days but with an updated sound. Gorgeous song, will do well. 4/5 Mike: As much as I loved "Loose", it's great to have the real Nelly Furtado back. "Manos Al Aire" is stunningly lovely and continues to grow on me every time I hear it but why isn't she singing in Portuguese? 4/5 Paul: It's alright. Unlike the Shakira single, it doesn't really set my world on fire. It's a throwback to the more tribal Nelly F of days gone by before Timbaland got his grubby mitts on her. Overall semi-pleasing. 3/5 Rob: This is sweet and I expect it'll be a massive hit in Spain. 3/5 The Prophet: I stan for Nelly so I'm almost guaranteed to love this by default. It's just a safe radio pop/rock track, but she did a great good job for the type of song that it is. It's no "Onde Estas" but it'll do for now. 4/5 Tommie: Oh look. Madonna just got another song to rip-off on her "To Steal" list. Really nice. 3.5/5 Total: 21.5/30
SINGLE OF THE WEEK
Chae Yeon – Shake (below)
Chae is Korea's most controversial star. This video was banned in her homeland for erotic dancing and for depicting someone on the toilet.
David: I guess Asian people think the same about this song I think about Guru Josh project or Tom DeBoxer type of songs. 0/5 Mike: Chae is the hottest bitch in the K Pop game and this is ten kinds of fabulous! I love the tacky rap, amazing (sub-titled) lyrics and catchy chorus. "Shake" is so much fun, it puts all her English speaking counterparts to shame. 5/5 Paul: well, there is never any need to showcase anyone on the loo because it's entirely vile. And while I didn't like the generic club beat, it had totally won me over by the chorus. Her voice is quite pretty too. English subs were hilarious! 3.5/5 Rob: Wow. This could be a Korean remixed version of Kylie's rave classic "Do You Dare". Love it. 4/5 The Prophet: She's hideous, but I love how slutty the chorus is so it gets a good score from me. 4/5 Tommie: The music video looks like it was filmed on a cellphone, the girl looks like she's about to say "sucky sucky 10 dollahs love u long time" and the song reminds me of something else. I LOVE it. Close the panel, this is the winner! 5/5 Total: 21.5/30
I firmly believe anything Kylie can do, Dannii can do better. Well, with the obvious exception of being successful and having hits. However, there's another chink in Dannii's otherwise fabulous armour - her B-sides, more specifically her lack thereof. Earlier this year I wrote a long post about Kylie's amazing pop offcuts and thought it was about time I did the same for the younger Minogue. Unfortunately, they are harder to find than Dannii's dignity. I count 10 meagre tracks over her 20+ year career, 12 if you count the bonus interview on "Success" and Album megamix on "I Begin To Wonder" (which I don't). It's suddenly clear to me why Dannii always has 35 shitty remixes and no B-sides. The tight bitch has been stockpiling them for her endless string of budget compilations! Anyway, I've decided to order these decidedly slim pickings from best to worst. Here goes:
1. Someone New ("Coconut" - 1998)
"Someone New" isn't just my favourite Dannii B-side, it's one of the best songs she has ever recorded. Everything about this dance anthem is completely epic, from the running time to the spectacular production. Despite coming in at nine and a half minutes, the Green/Masterson penned track never sounds like a remix. Instead, it perfectly blends dance and pop elements. I particularly love the little splashes of piano and the ruthless way the track keeps building and building. I remember reading about "Someone New" being the possible lead single from "Girl" before the album was even released, so I'm mystified as to why it was left off altogether outside Japan. It's an amazing track that would have made a great album even stronger.
2. Feel Like I Do ("So Under Pressure" - 2006)
In my opinion this is the saving grace of Dannii's sorry stint at AATW. Unlike most of the music she released at the house that K Lo built, "Feel Like I Do" isn't watered down dance trash. JCA and Hannah Robinson delivered a meaty pop gem that was the logical progression from "Neon Nights" - dark and dirty pop with killer beats and an almost haunting chorus. I think JCA always bring out the best in Dannii and I hope she considers working with him again if she ever comes out of retirement.
3. Hide & Seek ("I Begin To Wonder" - 2003)
Can someone please build me a time machine so I can go back to 2002 and re-live the "Neon Nights" era? It was so perfect, it almost feels like a dream. The music, the artwork and Dannii's hair - all faultless. The magic even extends to the B-sides. While "Nervous" and "Goodbye Song" are favoured by most fans, I slightly prefer "Hide & Seek". It's such an odd little pop song with its Eastern influences, strange chanting and minimal chorus. The track was probably a bit too abstract for "Neon Nights" but it's definitely one of the most interesting tracks Terry Ronald and Ian Masterson have created for Dannii.
4. It's Time To Move On ("This Is It" - 1993)
This is probably the hardest Dannii B-side to come by given that it has never been released on CD or as a digital download. The "Early Years" fiasco could have remedied that situation but the song was conspicuously absent from the tracklist before the album sold out on iTunes. A couple of years ago a friend ripped me a copy from my "This Is It" cassingle and I've really warmed to it. Unlike many fans, I love Dannii's crazy mid-90s experiments and this is a corker. "It's Time To Move On" is a fairly typical 90s dance track with some subtle R'n'B elements to give it an American sound. It's fairly dated but I love Dannii's vocals and the chorus is very cute. This is better than many of the tracks that made it on to "Get Into You".
5. Nervous ("I Begin To Wonder" - 2003)
I was obsessed with this Ronald/Masterson gem when I first heard it. I think I've played it several hundred times too often over the past few years and have grown a bit tired of it. However, of all the "Neon Nights" B-sides, this is the only one that would have seamlessly slotted into the album. I love the slightly darker dance sound and the chorus has real bite. "Nervous" has an edge that makes it stand out from the crowd. It's depressing to think that a song this good couldn't even make the cut a couple of years ago while noise pollution like "Touch Me Like That" is now considered singleworthy.
6. No Secret ("This Is The Way" - 1993)
I ache for Dannii's mid-90s R'n'B phase and this trashtastic urban jam is fairly typical of the period. It's not quite as charming as "It's Time To Move On" but I love the tinny beats and the cheesy chorus. Maybe it's time for New Jack Dannii to stage a comeback?
7. Goodbye Song ("Don't Wanna Lose This Feeling" - 2003)
The third of the "Neon Nights" B-sides produced by Terry Ronald and Ian Masterson is something of a camp classic. I love the bitchy lyrics ("I've got more to say to the girl who does my nails" and "I think I've got a moment in 2029") and the loopy production but the chorus is MIA. That said, this is still a great little pop song and indicative of the creative high that Dannii and her collaborators were riding at the beginning of the decade.
8. Hallucination ("Jump To The Beat" - 1991)
I'm not even sure this technically qualifies as a B-side. Was the US CD single an official release or just a promo? Anyway, I'm not exactly spoiled for choice so I'm including it. Most fans will be familiar with this from "The Remixes" - the remixed greatest hits package (don't laugh) with the wonky nose on the cover. That version is labelled the "LA Mix" but I can't tell any difference between it and the original. Speaking of LA Mix, that dance outfit wrote and produced "Hallucination". This is probably the wildest thing Dannii recorded in the early part of her career. It's kind of like a poor man's "Do You Dare?" only with a whispered rap. It's very quirky but a lot of fun.
9. Est-Ce Que Tu M'Aimes Encore ("I Begin To Wonder" - 2003)
This is a tough one. The original is one of my all time favourite Dannii tracks but the French language version doesn't quite sound right. In fact, it's almost as clunky as Kylie's French version of "Confide In Me". On the other hand, I'm a sucker for foreign language versions of pop hits and I listen to this quite frequently. It definitely has novelty appeal!
10. I've Been Waiting For You ("Perfection" - 2005)
The B-side to "Perfection" is curiously underwhelming. I love Terry Ronald and Ian Masterson but this just sounds tired - like every other faceless dance track being churned out of AATW. The production is a bit flat, the chorus doesn't quite click and Dannii could be reading from the phone book, she sounds so disinterested. Kind of sums up the entire AATW era really.
Bonus Track
I Don't Wanna Take This Pain (Saxtrumental) ("I Don't Wanna Take This Pain" - 1990)
This doesn't really count as a B-side but I re-discovered it recently when I was going through my Dannii collection. The "saxtrumental" version was only released on vinyl and is one of the trashiest things I've ever heard. Think Kenny G covering "I Don't Wanna Take This Pain" and you get the picture. I recommend hunting this down for comedic value alone!
Michael Jackson is crying tears of joy in heaven tonight with news that his favourite sister is about to embark on the most anticipated comeback of the century. On Tuesday the 28th of July, La Toya will finally claim her rightful place at the forefront of popular music with the release of her first official US single in over a decade. "Home" is a touching ballad that perfectly showcases the stunning beauty of Toy Toy's voice. It's also a fitting tribute to Michael and will no doubt bring a lot of comfort to his army of mourning fans. It's official - iTunes is gonna get rocked!
