Matisse Does It Better Than Most

Pop fans might recognise Matisse as one half of flop girlband Brit & Alex. They had a minor hit with "Let It Go" a couple of years ago but they were better known for just being really hot twins. Since then Brit has dumped her sister (cold!), changed her name and recorded one of the best pop anthems of 2010. Catchy doesn't even come close to describing "Better Than Her". I've been walking around humming the song for days and still can't get the damn thing out of my head. This shit is more addictive than chocolate coated heroin! As much as I'm obsessed with Matisse, it's actually quite difficult to explain her debut single's immense appeal. The production isn't particularly original and the song is irritatingly repetitive. However, on closer inspection, you're rewarded with an unexpectedly gorgeous melody that harks back to 80s power pop and a genuinely epic chorus. Think Madonna circa 1985 produced by a cheap RedOne imitator and you're halfway to understanding the track's brilliance! A lot of credit has to go to Matisse. The girl has attitude to burn and a surprisingly distinctive voice that holds up well against the heavy production. Fans of Livvi Franc's "Automatik" and Tania Foster's "Supawoman" will adore this. A big thanks to The Prophet for bringing Matisse to the masses.

Ke$ha's Animal - Pop Trash Review

This review took me about six weeks to write. At this rate, I'll be commenting on "Sweet 7" some time in December. The reason for the delay is actually quite simple. Basically, I can't decide whether I should build a shrine to Ke$ha in my bedroom or view her exploding popularity as a sure sign that the Apocalypse is nigh. I initially thought of her as a canny Lady GaGa wannabe but I couldn't have been more wrong. I wouldn't be surprised if the fame monster begins each recording session by pouring over Italian Vogue before masturbating to the latest Lars Von Trier film in a John Galliano gown to get in the mood, while Ke$ha just rolls out of the gutter and sings about her hangover and overworked vagina. The thing is - I really want to be on team Ke$ha. She's a dirty skank who just wants to fuck and party, which makes her indistinguishable from 90% of my friends. The problem is that she's a one trick pony. "Animal" is by no means a bad album - in fact, parts of it compare favourably to "The Fame" - it's just incredibly limited in its scope. I like songs about getting drunk, fucking and fame whoring as much as the next gay but by the 15th ode to excess, I just wanted to gulp down a litre of carrot juice and scrub my genitals with industrial strength disinfectant. I'm not hating on Ke$ha because I genuinely admire her idiosyncratic lyrics, catchy hooks and fuck you attitude. I just hope she follows Lady GaGa's lead and takes things to the next level on her sophomore album. In the meantime, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. Here is my track by track review:

Your Love Is My Drug

"Maybe I need some rehab or maybe just need some sleep" really sets the tone for the album. However, the opening track is actually kind of sweet. "Your Love Is My Drug" is probably the closest thing to a straightforward pop song on "Animal". The production (courtesy of heavyweights like Dr Luke and Benny Blanco) bounces along happily, while Ke$ha's lyrics are surprisingly cute. I like the line about having "a slumber party in her basement"... on second thoughts that could be a really nasty metaphor! This is an obvious choice for the album's third single but I'd prefer "Animal", "Stephen" or "Kiss N Tell".

Tik Tok

There isn't much to say about this polarising party anthem. I know a lot of people consider it juvenile trash but I think "Tik Tok" is a modern classic that will still be on high rotation at 40th birthday parties in 2030. Give the song's fabulous parody a listen. It's already top 5 on Australian iTunes, which is a testament to the extent to which "Tik Tok" has already become ingrained in popular culture.

Take It Off

Is this jam really about a sex on venue premises? Ke$ha should do a tour of gay saunas. Bitch would be in 7th heaven! I know I complained about the number of slut anthems on "Animal" but this is one of the album's best and holds up as a crisply produced pop gem. Moreover, "Take It Off" has my favourite lyric of 2010: "got my drunk text on, I'll regret it in the morn". I thought I was the only person who goes clubbing and shamelessly spends half the night sending inappropriate texts. I feel so validated!

Kiss N Tell

Max Martin's first contribution to the album is a real standout. Something special happens when the Swede combines with Dr Luke and "Kiss N Tell" is no exception. The production is an interesting Katy Perry meets Britney mash, while Ke$ha's amusing lyrics offer a witty take on the cheating boyfriend genre. Instead of playing the victim, homegirl goes on the offensive by memorably calling her man a slut and ridiculing his manhood. Fair play. Think of this as an inferior but still extremely enjoyable version of "Hot N Cold".

Stephen

Ok, by this point I was ready to devote my life to stalking Ke$ha at underground sex parties. "Animal" begins very impressively but it's all downhill after this song. However, there's no denying the poptastic brilliance of "Stephen". It's so different from everything else on the album. There are glimpses of genuine emotion and even a moment or two of vulnerability. I particularly love the lyrics, which range from amusingly delusional ("I watched your ugly girlfriend sneer across the room, as if I really care that she's here with you") to wonderfully demented - "I'll knit you a sweater, I'll wanna wrap you up in my love forever!" Another highlight is David Gamson's oddball production, which reflects his 80s glory years with Scritti Politti. I'd love this to be a single but it's probably just a tad too weird and wonderful.

Blah Blah Blah (Featuring 3OH3!)

The title sums up this aural turd perfectly. Sorry, slut but Katy Perry did this first and slightly better on admittedly awful "Starstrukk". Whoever chose this as the second single deserves a bullet.

Hungover

Dr Luke and Max Martin return to helm the pop tart's first attempt at a ballad and it's not as awful as some critics would have you believe. Admittedly, autotune is Ke$ha's friend and the lyrics are abysmal ("even my dirty laundry smells like you") but there's an edge to her voice that I actually find appealing and the subtle synths work nicely. Think P!nk's "Sober" sung by a trashed bitch at karaoke and you get the general idea.

Party At A Rich Dude's House

This song is so bad it's amazing! Apparently Ke$ha wrote the song after vomiting in Paris Hilton's closet while laying down backing vocals on "Nothing In This World" - one of my all time favourite songs! For that alone this trash deserves a Grammy. The driving guitar and punk attitude also make a nice change. I would probably enjoy "Party At A Rich Dude's House" a lot more if I were a drink away from passing out in an alley but listening to it sober, there's no denying that it's quite shit. Chalk this up as a twisted guilty pleasure.

I actually imported this shit from Italy!

Backstabber

"Backstabber" is a total grower. I hated it at first but now the song reminds me of the electro-rock experiments on Ashlee Simpson's criminally under-appreciated "Bittersweet World" album. That said, Ke$ha isn't quite in the same league as Ashlee when it comes to musical genius but everyone can identify with these lyrics. In fact, I could dedicate this anthem to quite a few people and probably will when I get my drunk text on! Not exactly single material but accomplished filler nonetheless.

Blind

Copy and paste everything I said about "Hungover". Ballads are clearly not Ke$ha's forte but the guitar driven chorus at least helps "Blind" stand out from the rest of the album.

Dinosaur

If nothing else, "Dinosaur" proves that even Max Martin still has a few new tricks up his sleeve. I can't think of anything in his canon of hits that even sounds remotely similar to this. The production rips off pays homage to that classic Was Not Was jam "Walk The Dinosaur" (fuck, I'm old!) and the lyrics are hilarious - "not long till you're a senior citizen and you can strut around with a sexy tank of oxygen"! It's about time someone wrote a song about dirty old men and I suggest this be played on a weekly basis at The Midnight Shift.

Dancing With Tears In My Eyes

This is a surprisingly insightful dance anthem about regret. After half a dozen mediocre tracks about partying, it's a relief to hear something with a bit of heart. Lyrics like "on the floor I'm just a zombie, who I am is not who I want to be" and "I've wasted the love of my life" are surprisingly self aware by Ke$ha's standards and the Dr Luke/Benny Blanco production is admirably restrained. Fans of Lady GaGa's "So Happy I Could Die" should enjoy this. A definite step in the right direction.

Boys & Boots

Of the 40 or so Ke$ha demos floating around the internet prior to the album's release, Tom Neville's "Boys & Boots" is one of the few to make the final cut. I would have gone with "Friday Night Bitch Fight" for pure comedy value or the surprisingly lovely "CUNxTuesday" (don't be put off by the fabulous title!) but this slinky little pop tune is catchy and cute. It also shows off the diva's versatility. She's not all quirky one liners and autotune.

Animal

I love Greg Kurstin. Anyone who can contribute gems to talents as diverse as Kylie, Sia and Ladyhawke is clearly a genius and he doesn't disappoint here. The album's title track is a shiny pop gem with a genuine hands in the air chorus that doesn't rely on studio trickery or filthy lyrics to be memorable. Ke$ha clearly has a lot of potential, songs like "Animal" stand up to anything on "The Fame". I just wish she'd stop trying to be America's answer to Lily Allen and put a lid on the bratty lyrics.

BONUS TRACKS

V.I.P.

Another song that has been floating around the internet for the best part of a year. It's not particularly good and makes you wonder who culled Ke$sha's impressive stash of demos.

Dirty Picture (featuring Taio Cruz)

Now, this is a fun. I love Taio Cruz and his voice combines surprisingly well with Ke$ha's. The song sounds like a reject from David Guetta's "One Love" album but that's not a bad thing. At all. I like the electro beats and can imagine a decent DJ turning this into something wonderful. Definitely worth hunting down for dance fans.

RATING: 7/10

The Best Of Mariah (1990 - 1999)

Sometimes my mind works in mysterious ways. Last night I was lying in bed listening to a Freestyle playlist on my Ipod, which got me thinking about Brenda K. Starr. When I think of that legendary Freestyle icon, my mind always wanders to Mariah. As any Lamb worth their Hello Kitty screensaver and Jennifer Lopez voodoo doll will tell you, Brenda played a huge role in launching Mimi's career by slipping her demo tape to Tommy Mottola at a party in the late 80s. That put me in the mood for some vintage Mariah and I spent the rest of night re-visiting favourites from her self-titled debut all the way through to 1999's trashfest "Rainbow". I then had the brainwave of putting together a list of her ten best singles from the 90s, which would be an easy task for most fans but I'm a relatively late convert. In fact, I genuinely disliked Mariah at the peak of her popularity. Probably due to the fact that overblown ballads generally make me want to vomit and because my mum, like every other Australian housewife in the mid-90s, played "Music Box" on repeat for at least a year. I'm still haunted by visions of her driving me to school singing along to "Without You" at the top of her lungs! Anyway, I know everyone will have their own opinions on this but here are my 10 favourite Mimi anthems from the 90s.

10. I Still Believe (Video)
(1999 - US #4, UK #16, AUS #54)

Speaking of Brenda K. Starr, Mariah paid tribute to her mentor by covering the diva's biggest hit on her "#1s" compilation album. I'm not a huge fan of Mimi's power ballads but this is definitely one of her best. "I Still Believe" is less overwrought than most of her earlier efforts, turning in one of the best vocal performances of her career. That said, Brenda's version is still better.

9. Honey (Video)
(1997 - US #1, UK #3, AUS #8)

Not only is this the best song ever recorded about the sweet taste of cum, it also represented a turning point in Mariah's career - when she ditched the granny ballads, squeezed into the shortest skirt she could find and decided she was black. Basically, it was the moment I realised I loved her. The video was also a work of genius. Mimi camping it up on a jet ski before rolling around with that hunk on the beach was truly a sight to behold. A camp classic.

8. All I Want For Christmas Is You (Video)
(1994 - US #86, UK #2, AUS #2)

Releasing a Christmas cash-in is a fairly stale marketing technique for desperate (and usually washed up) pop stars. Sure, they usually sell a few copies but how many stand the test of time? I can think of The Weather Girls' "Dear Santa" and Wham's "Last Christmas" from the 80s and "All I Want For Christmas Is You" from the 90s. That's all. It speaks volumes for the song's catchy chorus and camp appeal that Mariah's anthem still charts every December. Check out the trashtastic 2009 dance remix to celebrate the song's 15 year anniversary!

7. Heartbreaker (Feat. Jay Z) (Video)
(1999 - US #1, UK #5, AUS #10)

"Rainbow" is generally accepted by fans as the era when Mimi musically jumped the shark but it has more than its fair share of guilty pleasures. I loved the album's lead single then and I still do. Mariah had dabbled in urban beats before but this was the beginning of her rent-a-rapper period and "Heartbreaker" worked surprisingly well. I love the bouncy production and the chorus is pretty irresistible. Furthermore, anything tragic enough to sample Stacy Lattisaw's ode to aliens "Attack Of The Name Game" and feature Jay Z's worst rap ("she wanna answer the phone, tattoo her arm, that's when I gotta send her back to her mom") is OK by me. By the way, was this the #1 hit that Columbia Records bought by selling the single for 50 cents or was that "Loverboy"? I get confused...

6. Fantasy (Video)
(1995 - US #1, UK #4, AUS #1)

As much as I hated Mariah's mid-90s power balladry, it was impossible to refute the poptastic brilliance of "Fantasy". This was Mimi at her most upbeat and fabulous. Sure, the track shamelessly rips off Tom Tom Club's "Genius Of Love" but it's a killer beat that was begging to be sampled. I thought the diva had finally ditched the granny ballads and staked her claim as Paula Abdul's natural successor but "Daydream" turned out to be even more boring than "Music Box". At least this stunning disco throwback made the album a little more bearable.

5. Emotions (Video)
(1991 - US #1, UK #17, AUS #11)

1991's "Emotions" is easily my favourite early Mariah album. It was much more fun than her debut and infinitely less formulaic than mega-sellers "Music Box" and "Daydream". A lot of the credit has to go to David Cole and Robert Clivillés, better known to 90s pop fans as C&C Music Factory. They produced most of the album's highlights ("You're So Cold" and "To Be Around You" come to mind) as well as the title track and another little gem that I'll come to later. I love the unexpected disco influence on this anthem and Mariah's dog whistle never sounded more fabulous. A 90s pop classic.

4. Always Be My Baby (Video)
(1996 - US #1, UK #3, AUS #17)

I'm always surprised when fans pinpoint this as Mimi's first taste of hip hop because it strikes me as pure pop. Is it because the fat dwarf that married Janet Jackson produced it or because the song was nominated for a Best Female R&B Vocal Performance at the Grammys? Regardless of its genre, "Always Be My Baby" stood out as the shining gem on "Daydream" from the very first listen. I love the catchy vocal hooks ("do do do do dum") and cute chorus. Just don't pay too much attention to the delusional lyrics. He won't always be your baby. More likely he's moved on and can't even remember your name. Stop lying to us, Mariah!

3. Butterfly (Video)
(1997 - US Did Not Chart, UK #22, Aus #27)

This is just beautiful. Well, apart from the horse porn video which puts Britney's "Radar" to shame and finds Mariah running around a field looking like Nell in bad lingerie. "Butterfly" wasn't a big hit for Mimi - it didn't even chart in America (although I think that was due to stupid chart rules as opposed to actual popularity) - but to this day it remains one of my favourite ballads. The pretty lyrics are perfectly balanced against her delicate vocal delivery and the song packs a genuine emotional punch. Probably because it was written during the breakdown of her first marriage. I know some people find this saccharine but I just think it's gorgeous.

2. Someday (Video)
(1991 - US #1, UK #38, AUS #44)

Someone needs to build a time machine and bring back new jackswing Mariah. Bitch was fierce! "Someday" was apparently one of the five songs on the demo tape Brenda K. Starr slipped Tommy Mottola. He must have seen dollar signs flash in front of his eyes because this is one hell of a pop tune. I love the bad boyfriend lyrics and the jackswing beats are a nice touch. If only Mimi had followed this route instead of wasting all those years having massive hits with cures for insomnia like "Hero", "Without You" and "Open Arms". Sure, she'd probably be back singing back-up for Brenda but I have no doubt she'd be an even bigger Pop Trash Addicts icon than she is already!

1. Make It Happen (Video)
(1992 - US #5, UK #17, AUS #35)

Dance beats and gospel music don't usually make the best bedfellows but C&C Music Factory and Mariah concocted the perfect formula on 1992's "Make It Happen". Rolling Stone dismissed it as an "obnoxious self-help dance track" but does all inspirational music have to be deathly boring? You could never accuse the song of being subtle but I love the message and Mimi's earthy vocal delivery. For pure comedy value, check out a very drunk looking Mariah destroy "Make It Happen" on American TV last year and compare it with this blissful performance (below) from the inaugural 1998 Divas concert. They are both fabulous... just for very different reasons.

The 9th Single From Sasha Fierce?

Now honey, you better sit down and look around, 'cause you must have bumped your head!

Just when you thought Beyoncé had taken off her weave and hung up her heels for the final time in the Sasha Fierce era, the diva has squeezed out yet another single. "Why Don't You Love Me?" is currently sitting at #3 on the US Dance Chart thanks to sizzling remixes from Lost Daze, Jump Smokers and Karmatronic - among others - and is a strong contender for the top spot. I'm pretty sure this is just a club release to keep the gays happy and provide Solange with some much needed pocket money (she co-wrote the song) but I'm still shocked that they bothered. I guess Beyoncé had a spare five minutes and just thought what the hell. Whatever the reason, it's an inspired choice. "Why Don't You Love Me?" has been a favourite of mine from the beginning, probably because it positively reeks of my Sol-Angel. The track is a funkadelic explosion of 70s soul with a killer chorus and truly memorable lyrics. Think of this as Beyoncé's "Sandcastle Disco". None of the mixes improve on the original but the Jump Smokers Remix seems to be getting the most attention from clubbers. My favourite mix comes from Swedish DJ RedTop (below). He retains the old school flavour but takes it a step further by incorporating disco elements for the full 70s experience. I know it's an acquired taste but I absolutely love it. Keep 'em coming, B!

Kaylah Marin - On The Floor

I was introduced to Kaylah Marin's powerful pipes about a year ago. Her debut album had just been released and was getting a fair amount of buzz among neo-soul fans. "Loving Life" never really took off despite the involvement of super producer Narada Michael Walden (Whitney, Mariah and Aretha) and I completely forgot about the diva until remixes of her latest single arrived in my inbox a couple of weeks ago. Imagine my surprise when I gave them a spin and realised Kaylah had momentarily ditched the R'n'B scene in favour of the bright lights of... gay nightclubs. It's an unlikely transformation but the radical overhaul of "On The Floor" is a stroke of genius. The slow funk of the original has been replaced with trashtastic dance beats and an explosive chorus that allows Kaylah's deep, soulful voice free reign. Think Jocelyn Brown with Kim Sozzi production values. Yes, it's that amazing! It seems I'm not the only gay to fall under the dance diva's spell. "On The Floor" is currently sitting pretty at #9 on the US Club Chart ahead of Ke$ha, Madonna and Rihanna. Speaking of stunning achievements, the film clip (below) has just dropped and it ranks alongside "Single Ladies" and "Bad Romance" as one of the most... unforgettable videos of the past 5 years. And yes, I've checked - this is official! Kaylah's anthem is available to download from iTunes now.

Heidi Montag's Pop Masterpiece

In breaking news Madonna just ripped out her chicken cutlets and bought a time share in Florida. Reports also confirm that Kylie has just accepted a job as Dannii's new nanny, while Beyoncé is currently on the phone to Solange getting emergency counselling on how it feels to be a nobody. In yet another shocking development, music lovers are mourning the news that La Toya won't be startin' over for at least another 9 years. What could possibly spook pop's leading ladies to such a devastating extent? The answer, my friends, is an album so magnificent it makes "Thriller" sound like "3 Words". From the moment Heidi Montag unleashed her stunning debut single upon the world, it was immediately apparent that pop music had a new saviour. The reality TV superstar followed that anthem with gem after gem but nothing can prepare you for the genius of "Superficial". Heidi's much delayed debut album raises the bar to such an extent that it automatically makes every other diva in the business redundant. Never before has one reed thin voice belted out so many unforgettable anthems about topical issues like clubbing, shopping and looking hot. Heidi's music will not only make you dance - it will widen the horizons of your mind and help put you on the path to righteousness. Here is my track by track review of 2010's first masterpiece:

Look How I'm Doing

I showed you a kiss that they do in France

Like many of the amazing anthems on "Superficial", the opening number isn't exactly new. In fact, slightly different versions previously appeared on both "Wherever I Am" and "Here She Is" - the two EPs Ms Montag released in 2009. I totally understand why "Look How I'm Doing" has been recycled more often than your average Stargate beat. The Cathy Dennis penned, Steve Morales produced track is one of the album's catchiest tunes. I love the chorus, vocal hooks ("ha ha ha ha") and insightful lyrics about looking sexy. Heidi's breathy voice effortlessly floats above the urban dance beats like an angel in heaven making this a memorable opener.

Turn Ya Head

If you're hungry for pleasure, I'll serve you a measure

Heidi's attempt to revolutionise urban pop as we know it also appeared on both her previous EPs. I'm slightly disappointed that "Turn Ya Head" made the cut while vastly superior tracks like "Overdosin", "Fashion" and "Body Language" were left off. There's nothing wrong with the song itself. It just sounds like an outtake from Britney's "Blackout" album - only with better vocals and classier lyrics. However, a major talent like Heidi deserves more challenging material. I think Cathy Dennis was taking the piss on this one.

Fanatic

Boy, you got me checking that I've got a temperature

Apparently this is going to be the album's second single. I was worried when I read that the producer's previous credits include Z grade losers like Anastacia and Delta Goodrem but "Fanatic" is something of a surprise packet. It's a funktastic mid-tempo pop tune drenched in 80s influences - particularly vintage Prince. That could be the reason it reminds me of Kylie's "Still Standing" so strongly. The song works and I like that Heidi has found the time to experiment with her sound between plastic surgeries but it's not really single material. There are better tracks on the album and the level of autotune on "Fanatic" should come with a safety warning.

Superficial

They say I'm superficial, some call me a bitch
They're just mad 'cause I'm sexy, famous and I'm rich

The album's title track and lead single is a stunning indictment of popular culture and the value judgements made against innocent publicity whores like Heidi. Just because the diva underwent 10 plastic surgeries in one day doesn't make her superficial. It just reflects favourably on her time management skills! Think of this stinging swipe at Heidi's critics as her personal theme song. Furthermore, classy lyrics like "hoppin' out the Maserati, all I see is paparazzi" ensure the track's status as a future trash classic.

More Is More

It's fucking chaos in here

"More Is More" is generally regarded as Heidi's most commercial track, which is reflected by the fact that it is her only hit - reaching a lofty #27 on the US dance chart. Steve Morales really knows how to bring the best out of The Hills icon. She tears up the vocal and injects some real passion into the song. I guess getting wasted in a club is an issue close to Heidi's heart. All jokes aside, "More Is More" would have been a huge hit for anyone else and just proves that evil haters are conspiring to ruin the diva's music career. Have strength, Heidi!

One More Drink

I'm getting lost in this liquid high,
I'm elevated to some new heights

Beer goggles don't get a lot of recognition in popular music but this stunning ode to intoxication rigorously explores the benefits of hooking up while pissed. Legislation should be introduced requiring this song be blasted out of every bar and club on a Saturday night. Heidi is now the patron saint of drunk sex! Inspiring lyrics aside, I actually think "One More Drink" is a brilliant pop tune. The Runners are best known for producing rap acts like Rick Ross and Lil Wayne but unlike some of Heidi's collaborators (I'm talking to you, Cathy Dennis!), these guys have taken the brief seriously and come up with a slinky little anthem that gets stuck in your head and refuses to leave. Worth checking out for camp value alone.

Twisted

You won't let me leave, you want to strangle me

I wanted to strangle Heidi too by the end of "Twisted". It's a pretty standard bad boyfriend song produced by Sebastian Jacome (the man behind hits for A Listers like the Cheetah Girls and Mexican goddess Anahí) but my problem is the grating vocal. I usually love the pop visionary's voice but she sounds like she's choking on Spencer's cock on this one.

Hey Boy

Don't act like you're payin' my bills,
When you know your broke ass can't even pay attention

Sebastian returns with a similarly themed tune on "Hey Boy". Happily, this is a vastly better effort and wouldn't sound out of place on Ashlee Simpson's hugely underrated "Bittersweet World" album. The production is perky - the combination of rock and dance elements works well - and the lyrics have some much needed bite. A lot of haters have dismissed "Superficial" as sounding like the one song repeated twelve times but "Hey Boy" is an example of Heidi switching things up and exploring different genres. I still think her calling is synthpop but this isn't horrible by any means.

My Parade

The main attraction if you're lookin' for some action

Don't be put off by the song's opening verse, which sounds like yet another cheerleading anthem in the vein of Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl". "My Parade" swiftly transforms into a straightforward pop track and is ultimately a fine addition to Heidi's growing library of party anthems. The production (courtesy of Fingazz) is Danja-lite but that's a compliment of sorts. The heavy beats will get your feet moving and mercilessly take the attention away from the inane lyrics.

Blackout

I'm over the stories that we'll never make it,
When I think of losing you, baby I hate it

There isn't a lot more I can say about "Blackout". I already devoted a post to its brilliance and featured it in my best of 2009 countdown. I guess I'd just like to reiterate that this is the sound I think Heidi should be pursuing. Her voice tends to get swallowed by heavy beats, which rules out the vast majority of Britney/Robyn rip-offs she is given. The more subtle synthpop of "Overdosin'", "Body Language" and "Blackout" is where she comes into her own. In all seriousness, I'd love Kylie or Dannii to have a song this good on either of their next albums.

I'll Do It

I fuck to get attention,
I brought some treats,
I know that you're gonna love 'em
Eat my panties off of me

And the award for the best song of "Superficial" goes to "I'll Do It" in a landslide. Yet another Steve Morales production, this sleazy jam is absolutely outrageous. Heidi displays her formidable intellect by dissecting gender roles with probing lyrics like "I'll be your hot mess, school girl with curls - whatever you like, I'll do it". Apart from exploring sexual politics and popular culture's dark underbelly of misogyny, the song also boasts a wicked chorus and dizzying middle eight. I can't get enough of this filth.

Love It Or Leave It

I'm an important lady,
When I show up they pay me

Appropriately, the album ends with another fuck you to Heidi's critics. Unlike the title track, "Love It Or Leave It" actually has a bit of bite and works surprisingly well. The production and autotune overload smoothers her voice but this is the closest you're going to get to the real Heidi. All in all, "Superficial" is a remarkably enjoyable collection of pop tunes that deserved to sell more than a mere 658 copies in its first week! Chalk this up as 2010's first great album.

Rating - 10/10

"I'll Do It" - my favourite track on "Superficial"

Alicia Keys & The Element Of Freedom

Until this week I've been what you'd call a casual Alicia Keys fan. I've always admired her talent and loved the occasional song ("No One", "Karma" and "You Don't Know My Name" spring to mind) but I never really connected with her as a person. She always seemed a little too perfect and untouchable to me. Kind of like Whitney in the late 80s before she discovered crack. Well, Alicia's normally immaculate facade is starting to look a little vulnerable. The lead singles from her latest album have underperformed, the diva has battled depression and she's currently embroiled in a major scandal after shacking up with Swizz Beats. Strangely enough, I love floptastic, homewrecking Alicia! There is actually a real person in there and she's just as flawed and messed up as the rest of us. I finally feel her emotional turmoil and there's plenty of that on "The Element Of Freedom". As usual, Alicia doesn't stray far from matters of the heart but this time around she's working with a broader musical palette. The piano based ballads are still there but they're now mixed with synth drenched mid-tempo pop songs and even a club banger of a duet with Beyoncé. "The Element Of Freedom" won't appeal to everyone but it's a late (and very unexpected) contender for my album of the year. I hope this review inspires the AK haters to listen this remarkable artist with unbiased ears.

The Element Of Freedom (Intro)

I hate intros and interludes - and this is no exception. Alicia talks about blooming into a flower from a "tightly closed" bud. I think that's a fancy way of saying that freedom is having the courage to take chances and be yourself. Awww.

Love Is Blind

From the opening onslaught of piano and synths, it's immediately apparent that Alicia has finally moved on from the straightforward soul of her previous albums. I really like Jeff Bhasker's evocative and sparse production but this is one of my least favourite songs on the album. That being said, "Love Is Blind" perfectly sets the mood for "The Element Of Freedom" and has a haunting quality that I find quite beautiful. However, the best is definitely yet to come.

Doesn't Mean Anything

The album's much maligned lead single stalled at #60 in America and missed the charts completely in Australia. It was widely labelled as the poor man's "No One" and some critics even accused the diva of being a one trick pony. While "Doesn't Mean Anything" could easily fit on any of Alicia's previous albums, I think it's unfair to criticise her for exploring familiar themes. Aretha and Stevie covered similar ground for most of their careers without having to justify themselves. Personally, I love the song. Sure, it's a bit soppy but it appeals to the hopeless romantic in me and I love the simplicity of the arrangement. My only problem with "Doesn't mean Anything" is the fact that it's too subtle for a lead single and completely misrepresents the rest of the album.

Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart

Now this is more like it. The album's second single channels the 80s with an explosion of synths and keyboards. The lyrics are typically dramatic - Alicia definitely paints in bold strokes when it comes to expressing emotions - but I can identify with the song's love sick/slightly deluded narrator more than I care to admit. "Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart" isn't exactly setting the charts on fire either but hopefully it's something of a grower. It's such a treat to hear Alicia explore new sounds and with this she proves she's just as adept at knocking out pop songs as she is writing soul ballads.

Wait Till You See My Smile

And the award for my favourite song on "The Element Of Freedom" goes to the gorgeous "Wait Till You See My Smile" (well, equal favourite with "Empire State Of Mind"). The song is an absolutely essential addition to the canon of I'll show 'em/wait till they see me now anthems. However, unlike the majority of those songs (see Kina's fabulous "Girl From The Gutter") - this is completely lacking in bitterness and spite. Rather Alicia has written a self-empowerment mantra for herself. I love the production on this. The combination of piano and keyboards against a backdrop of pretty synths is stunning and the lyrics are genuinely inspiring: "You don't really need 'em, cause you're stronger and you're better and you're ready for whatever". Sing it, Alicia. This is kind of random but does the song remind anyone else of Carly Simon's 1989 hit "Let The River Run"? The older gays might see where I'm coming from.

That's How Strong My Love Is

After experimenting with new production techniques, Ms Keys returns to her trademark piano based soul sound on the self-produced "That's How Strong My Love Is". The woman's talent is actually kind of scary. I can't think of any other diva in pop who could create something this good on their own. Sure, it's another slightly over the top love song but why fuck with a winning formula? I love Alicia's voice on this - she really lets loose and shows off her range. Some people might find the lyrics a little clichéd but I just think they're sweet and romantic. I clearly share her all or nothing approach to love. I bet we're the same star sign. (Edit: Yep, we're both January babies)

Unthinkable (I'm Ready)

Brace yourself, stalkers - you have a new theme song! I'm pretty sentimental but even I would run in the opposite direction if someone said "I was wondering maybe, could I make you a baby?" Disturbing lyrics aside, there's an old school R'n'B feel to this languid jam that is actually rather appealing. A solid album track.

Love Is My Disease

This is interesting. "Love Is My Disease" is a co-production between longtime collaborator Kerry "Krucial" Brothers and Toby Gad (Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" and Beyoncé's "If I Were A Boy"). The result is a mid-tempo guitar pop song with a distinct traces of reggae and ska. It shouldn't work but it does. The more organic production breaks up the album nicely and Alicia writes about the dark underbelly of love with insight and honesty.

Like The Sea

"Wait Till You See My Smile" and "Empire State Of Mind" might be my favourite songs on the album but "Like The Sea" is a very close equal second with the Beyoncé duet. This mesmerising extended metaphor doubling as a pop song is as clever as it is catchy. It kind of reminds me of vintage Stevie Wonder. I love the dark, atmospheric production and the line "love is like the sea, leaves you on your knees - first you're floating high then it takes you, takes you under" is one of my favourite lyrics of the year. Alicia speaks the truth.

Put It In A Love Song (Duet With Beyoncé)

This duet is whole reason I checked out "The Element Of Freedom" in the first place. As most of you know, I'm a devout Beyjesus convert and I couldn't wait to hear her second superstar duet in the space of a month. I thought Beyoncé's Lady GaGa collaboration ("Telephone" not "Videophone"!) was pretty extraordinary but I think I prefer "Put It In A Love Song". It's a ridiculously catchy urban pop tune in the vein of "Single Ladies". This is the most commercial track Alicia has recorded since she teamed up with Eve on "Gangsta Lovin'". I love the camp intro and the divas battle their way through the verses before joining forces on a brilliant chorus. My favourite part is the "work it out, gotta work it out" breakdown. Swizz Beats also brings his A game to the production - it's effortlessly slick and the hand claps are a nice touch. Fingers crossed this is released as a single.

This Bed

Alicia continues to try new things by exploring 70s funk on this slinky jam. The heavy bass mixes surprisingly well with the crisp synths and the sexy lyrics give the song an unexpected edge. "This Bed" wouldn't sound out of place on an early Prince record, which is high praise indeed. Another winning album track.

Distance And Time

The musical experimentation is momentarily put on hold for another piano ballad. "Distance And Time" sounds a lot like "Doesn't Mean Anything" - only better. They both share the same stripped back production and their themes aren't dissimilar. I tend to gravitate towards these sentimental ballads, so I'm not complaining. The reason I prefer this to "Doesn't Mean Anything" is the beautiful splash of gospel towards the end of the song and the sweetness of the lyrics. Warning - this will give you the urge to sway your lighter in the air and send someone a text that you will most probably later regret. I speak from experience.

How It Feels To Fly

Alicia Keys knows how to sing a restrained piano ballad better than anyone in the business but she doesn't do overblown power ballads very often. Which is probably why "How It Feels To Fly" is such a standout. This is the kind of tits out balladry that Mariah mastered in the 90s before her career was sabotaged by The-Dream. I like the fact that it isn't so much about love and relationships as taking chances and following your heart. It's about as subtle as a sledge hammer but a bit of melodrama never hurt anybody.

Empire State Of Mind (Part II)

I could and probably should devote an entire post to how much I love "Empire State Of Mind". I'm still pretty obssessed with the Jay Z original (currently at #1 for the 4th week in America) but I think Alicia's sequel surpasses it. There's something incredibly uplifting about this song. It perfectly captures the energy and inspiration you get from living in a big city - not to mention the hopes and dreams of its inhabitants. Alicia's version more so than Jay Z's because it has so much soul. I get goosebumps every time I hear "Empire State Of Mind (Part II)". A modern classic.

BONUS TRACKS

Through It All

Bonus tracks are usually pretty hit and miss but "The Element Of Freedom" boasts two absolute winners. "Through It All" is kind of like an Alicia Keys piano ballad on steroids. The sound is still very organic but the song is so upbeat and uplifting. I love the strings, the ruthless optimism of the lyrics and the breezy chorus. Alicia also delivers one of her best vocals. Send this to someone you love.

Prayer For Forgiveness

"Prayer For Forgiveness" is like the musical flipside of "Through It All". It's probably the album's darkest, most introspective moment but it gives me chills. The quasi-orchestral arrangement is lush and beautiful and it's refreshing to hear Alicia explore deeper issues than love and heartache. Lyrics like "I feel like my mind is haunting me, I think of every little mistake that has been made" lead me to believe that this was written about the diva's battle with depression. Interestingly the song was co-written by super songwriter for hire Linda Perry.

Stolen Moments

This is the album's iTunes bonus track. Unlike the other bonus tracks, I understand why this was left off the album. In a nutshell - it's a bit rubbish. Alicia teams up with an uncredited male vocalist (someone tell me who it is, it's driving me crazy) for a sleepy duet. It's nice enough but desperately in need of a chorus. Only for the AK faithful.

Stargate Poison Beyoncé

I've spent most of the week obsessing over Beyoncé's amazing "I Am... Yours: An Intimate Performance at Wynn Las Vegas" CD/DVD set and will eventually get around to writing a proper review but in the meantime I can't resist mentioning one of the (not so) new tracks on the 97th re-release of "Sasha Fierce". And I'm not referring to the much hyped Lady GaGa remix of "Videophone" - even though that trash has grown on me to a ridiculous extent. I'm actually way more excited about having a proper studio version of "Poison". The Stargate produced track has been doing the rounds for a while now but I'm still crazy about it. Taking the piss out of Stargate's unprecedented ability to recycle beats is one of my favourite hobbies but this is exactly the kind of bouncy, synth drenched mid-tempo pop jam that made them so hot in the first place. Think Jennifer Hudson's "Spotlight" crossed with Whitney's "A Song For You" and you get the idea. I crave Beyoncé's pure pop detours and this is one of her best. However, as much as I love the song, I kind of understand why it was left off the album. It's too upbeat for the ballad disc and a little too cute and breezy for Ms Fierce. Anyway, strike this up as the equal best bonus track of the "I Am" era alongside the stunning "Why Don't You Love Me".

Battle Of The Has Beens - Janet Vs J Lo

The close of 2009 finds two ex-superstars hitting the comeback trail in the desperate hope of reclaiming some of their rapidly fading former glory. In case you missed their not so spectacular performances at the recent American Music Awards, I'm talking about Jenny from the block and the ugly Jackson sister. It's been a lean decade for both divas. J Lo hasn't had a top 10 hit (as the featured artist) since 2002, while Janet has been a permanent resident of flop city since "Someone To Call My Lover" snuck into the top 5 way back in 2001. As far as falls from grace go, both have been pretty spectacular and it will be interesting to see if either one can claw their way back to any kind of relevance. It's a close call. La Toya's less talented sister is currently riding a wave of Jackson nostalgia in the wake of Michael's death but if the quality of their new songs is any indication - my money's on Jennifer. Just ignore that SHITEOUS "Fresh Out The Oven" taster single at all costs.

Before I get to J Lo, I have to give Janet some credit for finally releasing a semi-decent single. "Make Me" is basically a shoddy remake of the vastly superior "Rock With U" and pales in comparison to La Toya's genre defining masterpiece "Home" but it's an enjoyable burst of upbeat fun and avoids mentioning Jan's vagina for its entire three and a half minute running time. I'm sure hell just froze over. Moreover, Darkchild is suddenly very hot again and Manita's monthly liposuction really pays off in the video. "Make Me" could be her ticket back out of Toy Toy's shadow but I'm not convinced. The song lacks a killer hook and sounds a bit insipid next to Beyoncé and Rihanna's hot urban dance beats. Anyway, points for trying. As for La Lopez - I'm impressed. I have to admit I've always had a soft spot for Jennifer. The bitch can't sing for shit and speaks worse Spanish than I do but when she's given the right material ("Waiting For Tonight", "I'm Real" and "Get Right"), the results are usually pretty fabulous. Her hideous collaboration with Pitbull had me seriously worried but the official lead single from her new album is great. "Louboutins" (below) is a real grower. I hated the song at first but now it's lodged in my head. The Dream redeems himself somewhat for destroying Mariah's "Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel" with his hook filled production and the layers of crisp beats stand up to anything currently on the radio. Fingers crossed it's a hit 'cause those shoes are expensive!

The Fame Monster - Review

The past couple of weeks have been pretty crazy and I haven't had a lot of time to devote to music, which is frustrating because my bedroom is littered with CDs I've been meaning to write about. I'll try to cover the majority of them in a giant round up post but "The Fame Monster" deserves more than that. Other bloggers have already written about Lady GaGa's pop triumph with more insight than I can hope to muster (see Adem's review and Will W's musings for starters) but I can't resist throwing in my two cents. "The Fame Monster" is a revelation, and while I wouldn't go as far as calling it the pop album of the decade (like Chart Rigger), it has to be in the running for the best release of 2009. Lady GaGa has given birth to that rarest of creatures - a consistent and coherent collection of electro-dance anthems that not only entertain but occasionally stretch the boundaries of popular music. As much as I loved "The Fame", its follow up/re-release (depending on who you listen to) is darker, stronger and considerably more ambitious. The filler that occasionally weighed down Lady GaGa's debut has been culled and we're left with 7 brilliant songs and one piece of shit. 7 out of 8 ain't bad! It would have been nice to get a few more songs but this is most definitely a case of quality over quantity.

Bad Romance

Strangely, I absolutely hated the album's lead single when I first heard it. "Bad Romance" initially struck me as a rather lazy re-hash of "Poker Face" - only with really annoying chanting ("rah rah rah rah") and poorly pronounced French lyrics. Since then it's grown on me like a bad case of Athlete's Foot and I can't seem to get that epic chorus out of my head. I'm still not completely taken with the verses and I think RedOne has learned some tricks from the Stargate/Timbaland school of beat recycling but this is still an impressive piece of work, made even better by its brilliant video clip.

Alejandro

Unlike "Bad Romance", it was love at first listen with "Alejandro". I love the clear influence of 90s Eurodance and the sweetness of the chorus. Lady GaGa does dark and dirty dance better than just about anyone but this is a rare example of the diva encroaching on Kylie's joyous brand of soft and pretty pop. I'm slowly losing interest in RedOne as a producer but this proves he's more than just a one trick pony. The strings and elegantly arranged synths perfectly compliment the wacky spoken interludes and cute lyrics. As much as I love lyrics about riding disco sticks and bluffin' with muffins, it actually makes a nice change to hear Lady GaGa sing a relatively straightforward love song. This would make my short list of potential singles.

Monster

When talking about the album, Lady GaGa listed Eastern European discos as an inspiration and "Monster" kind of sounds like an extremely polished Romanian Eurovision entry and I mean that as a compliment! From the corny intro to the camp chorus and sublime middle eight, this little gem is a burst of pure pop. I love the juxtaposition of Lady GaGa's gory imagery with the insanely perky melody and RedOne brings his usual sheen to the proceedings. Having said all that, "Monster" is still probably one of the album's weaker tracks - making it pretty amazing filler.

Speechless

Lady GaGa channels Freddie Mercury and the result is one of the best tracks of her budding career. "Speechless" is an absolute triumph. It not only underlines GaGa's incredible versatility but also showcases the diva's most overlooked asset. Her pipes. The ease with which she slips into 70s rock star mode is astounding and Ron Fair's organic production gives her voice an unexpected warmth. I never thought I'd be interested in a Lady GaGa ballad but this is brilliant stuff. If I had one criticism it would be that "Speechless" sounds slightly out of place next to the electro-dance tracks but I'd love her to pursue this sound in the future.

Dance In The Dark

This gets my vote as the album's equal best track along with the Beyoncé duet. "Dance In The Dark" is dance-pop perfection. Fernando Garibay effortlessly blends modern electronic elements with an orchestra of synths that sound like they were stolen from Madonna circa 1985. Fernando is really on fire at the moment. "Nothin' But Love" is perhaps the best song on Whitney's amazing comeback album and he achieved the impossible by making U2 sound slightly interesting on "I'll Go Crazy, If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight". This is the perfect sound palette for Lady GaGa's attitude filled verses and anthemic chorus. A future gay classic.

Telephone (featuring Beyoncé)

I've already devoted a post to this amazing duet, so I'll keep this brief. In a nutshell, "Telephone" is probably the best superstar duet since Barbra Streisand joined forces with Donna Summer on "No More Tears (Enough Is Enough)". The song isn't particularly deep or original but it does put a new spin on the always popular genre of female empowerment anthems and allows both parties to shine. Lady GaGa displays her usual fierce attitude, while Beyoncé almost steals the show with her best crazy woman impersonation. Only fan fatigue (the two divas have released about 216 singles between them in 2009) will stop this being massive.

So Happy I Could Die

I'm slightly disturbed by the fact that two of my favourite songs at the moment are littered with masturbation references (this and Vanessa Amorosi's "Touch Me"). I think I need to get out more. Anyway, RedOne returns with another fairly standard production straight from his Swedish conveyor belt of catchy pop tunes. What saves this from being RedOne by the numbers is Lady GaGa's quirky lyrics about doing her hair and touching herself. "So Happy I Could Die" should be a load of rubbish but there are more hooks than a tackle shop and I have a soft spot for meaningless pop songs with dirty lyrics. Not exactly single material but still pretty damn good.

Teeth

It's a shame that "The Fame Monster" closes with its only stinker. That's probably a bit harsh but the Teddy Riley produced "Teeth" is the kind of over-sampled mess that was hot about five years ago. It's unlike Lady GaGa to be so off trend so I guess she was probably trying to be ironic or revive an old sound but this is an epic fail on every level. I hate the lyrics, the non-existent melody and busy production. It's a sad day when J Lo did it first and better.

Telephone Vs Videophone

As I'm sure everyone with an internet connection is already aware, the world's two biggest pop stars recently teamed up for not one but two duets. As an an ardent Lady GaGa supporter and Beyoncé's self-proclaimed number 1 Australian fan, the prospect of these fierce bitches joining forces got me more than a little hot under the collar. It's not just that I love their music. I genuinely believe Beyoncé and Lady GaGa are pop circa 2009. Lady GaGa did the impossible by making Madonna redundant in the space of a year and continues to take dance-pop to dizzying new heights, while Beyoncé staked her claim as the undisputed Queen of the urban scene and revolutionised the way albums are marketed in the process with her dual singles and Sasha Fierce alter ego. That's not even touching on the impact of their iconic styling and music videos.

Well, both duets finally leaked and my expectations have not only been met but well and truly exceeded. Admittedly, that wasn't particularly hard when it came to "Videophone". I'm still fuming about that trash being selected as the 8th single from "Sasha Fierce". Beyoncé's album is bursting with songs that most divas would kill for ("Radio", "Smash Into You" and "Disappear" come to mind) and she goes with the stinker about leaving a filthy video message on someone's iPhone. Smart thinking. There's not a lot Lady GaGa could do to improve this apart from press the delete button in the studio but I like the new verses and GaGa's rap isn't as embarrassing as it could have been. I'm pretty sure "Videophone" was only chosen as a single to link in with "Telephone", so I guess it does what it's supposed to and all Beyoncé tracks are eventually rescued by a fagtastic dance remix - so I'll happily make do with this until then.

Listen here

The real triumph, however, is Lady GaGa's "Telephone". I've spent the entire afternoon listening to "The Fame Monster" and I vastly prefer it to "The Fame". Each track is brilliant and this duet is no exception. According to rumours, GaGa actually wrote "Telephone" for Britney's "Circus" album and the world's favourite mime artist must be kicking herself for turning it down. This song is the shit. I'm probably the only person who loves (the unremixed version of) "Beautiful Liar" but unlike that superstar duet, "Telephone" delivers what fans want from their two favourite pop divas - an insanely catchy club anthem with quotable lyrics and almost endless remix potential. Funnily enough, even though this is most definitely a Lady GaGa track, Beyoncé's verse steals the show. I love it when B unleashes her inner angry black woman (see the underrated but amazing "Ring The Alarm") and I get tingles when she yells "cause this is a disaster!" Darkchild deserves a lot of credit. I used to think he was a spent force but this is his best production in years. Bring on the video clip/s!!

Listen here

Beyoncé Does It Better

So Beyoncé cleaned up at this year's MTV Europe Music Awards in Berlin winning Best Song ("Halo"), Best Female Singer and Best Video Clip ("Single Ladies"). 2009 has been a banner year for the rich man's Kelly Rowland but I think she officially planted her flag at the summit of pop superstardom in Germany last night. And I'm not talking about her swag of prizes. Few award show performances make any kind of real impact on popular culture (Britney's "Gimme More" debacle at the 2007 MTV Music Awards did for all the wrong reasons) and even fewer are regarded as genuinely iconic (Kylie's legendary "Can't Get Blue Monday Out Of My Head" at the 2002 Brits comes to mind) but that's the only description that fits Beyoncé stunning performance of "Sweet Dreams".

Speaking of Kylie, Beyoncé reminds me a lot of Dannii's slightly more successful sibling circa 2001-2002. She's at the height of her physical beauty, comes across as sexy rather than sordid despite wearing outfits that a PCD stripper would reject and is currently riding a once in a career wave of momentum. The "Sweet Dreams" live extravaganza demonstrates this perfectly. Most of the press has concentrated on Beyoncé's eye popping red lingerie (which The Prophet amusingly describes as a cross between Vanity 6 and the star of Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers - one of my all time favourite movies!) but this performance is about so much more than an incredibly sexy outfit. There's the beautiful nursery rhyme intro performed inside a red satin heart, pounding militaristic drums, a catwalk strut at approximately 1:50 mins that would make Miss Jay cry tears of joy, pitch perfect vocals and the some of the fiercest choreography I've seen in years (see 2:50 minutes for proof). Say what you like about Beyoncé - she is the complete package and currently makes the rest of the pop world look second rate. All hail the new Queen.

Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel - Review

I've always thought that casual Mariah fans generally fall into two distinct camps - those who love her 90s power ballads and those who lap up her trashy pop tunes. If that's true, "Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel" will disappoint just about everyone as the album is almost exclusively comprised of R'n'B tinged slow jams. I really don't know what Mimi what thinking. What would "Daydream" be without the pure pop of "Fantasy" or the overblown balladry of "One Sweet Day"? How insipid would "Music Box" sound if "Dreamlover" and "Hero" had been left on the shelf? It's like Mariah has turned her back on what she's really great at in a feeble attempt to please everyone. The result is one of the diva's least appealing albums despite the fact that it contains a handful of excellent tracks. Say what you like about the much maligned "E=MC2" but nothing on "Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel" even comes close to matching the insanely catchy groove of "Migrate" or the disco-pop explosion of "I'm That Chick".

However, it's not all bad. Despite never really getting out of second gear musically, Mimi's 12th opus is something of a concept album and as such, is curiously riveting (if you've just swallowed a mouthful of Valium). The title says it all. Each song plays like a diary entry. There are tracks about the beginning of relationships, make ups, break ups and everything in between. I've always thought that Mariah is a hugely underrated lyricist and I love entering her Hello Kitty decorated world of shameless schmaltz and so bad they're amazing metaphors. As someone who has spent more than their fair share of time on the dating rollercoaster, I found myself identifying with the lyrics more often than I'd like to admit. I just wish Mimi had mixed it up more instead of compiling what is basically 13 versions of the same song with different words. Nevertheless, I'll be importing four or five songs into my Mariah playlist and I'm sure the inevitable remixes will help polish the rest of the turds. Here is my track by track review:

Betcha Gon Know (B+)
The album's opening track sets the tone for the rest of the proceedings. It's a fairly average slow jam covered in The-Dream and Tricky Stewart's grubby fingerprints. I used to think The-Dream was one of urban music's most interesting producers but this album has left me thinking he's almost as artistically barren as Stargate. Thankfully, the song is saved by Mimi's emotionally charged lyrics. I love songs with a storyline and listening to Mariah discover her man in bed with another woman is strangely voyeuristic. I also love bit where she declares the story "Oprah Winfrey whole segment for real (for real), 20/20 Barbra Walters for real (for real)". I want to know how Mimi sorted this punk out!

Obsessed (A)
I think I'm the only blogger who loves "Obsessed". There's something hypnotic about the beats and the lyrics never fail to put a smile on my face. The song should be re-named "How Mimi Got Her Swagger Back" because this is Mariah at her most egotistical and fierce. After all, she is a corporation/press conference! A lot of fans moaned about the autotune but it comes as a sweet relief among the rest of the bogus mid-tempo grooves. I have a feeling this will sound terribly dated in a couple of years but for now it's one of the album's few fun, semi-upbeat tunes and deserves to be appreciated. It goes without saying that the remixes (particularly the Cahill Club Mix) are fabulous.

H.A.T.E.U. (A+)
The title had me worried. I was expecting a text speak urban opus but was surprised to hear one of Mariah's prettiest mid-tempo ballads. This is one of the few examples of The-Dream getting the production just right. The track is crisp and clean with a multitude of little hooks and flourishes. Best of all, the focus is squarely on Mariah's vocal performance, which probably ranks as her best on the album. I love the lyrics. Who hasn't experienced the emotion of trying but failing to hate someone at the end of a relationship? "H.A.T.E.U." is effortlessly pretty and should be high on the list for the album's third single.

Candy Bling (C-)
After starting off promisingly with three relatively strong tracks, "Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel" starts its slide into R'n'B mediocrity with the tuneless trainwreck that is "Candy Bling". If the prospect of hearing Mariah whisper over a generic urban beat floats your boat, then knock yourself out. Personally, I'd rather watch "Glitter" on repeat. Oh who I am kidding! "Glitter" is one of my favourite movies but this song is shit. The only interesting thing about it is the sample of Ahmad's 1994 hit "Back In The Day".

Ribbon (B)
I hope the rumours of this being a future single are false. There's nothing amazing (or awful for that matter) about "Ribbon" - it's just so bland and disposable. The production is straight from The-Dream's recycled ideas basket and the lyrics are completely meaningless. I do like the layered vocals and any song that uses the word "Boo" gets my seal of approval but with the exception of Mariah's dog whistle at the end, "Ribbon" is pretty mediocre.

Inseparable (C+)
Like all the songs that come before and after it, "Inseparable" is a pleasant enough mid-tempo urban jam but you know the song is a write off when the most interesting thing about it is the fact that it rips of Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time". The beats plod along aimless and the vocal is quite irritating. I love Mariah's weird whistles and vocal gymnastics but when she gets stuck in the high register I just want to turn the volume down and take an aspirin.

Standing O (A+)
Thank fuck! Just when I starting to fall into a boredom induced coma, Mariah delivers one of the album's best tracks. There's something truly universal about a good break-up song and "Standing O" is surprisingly bitter and cutting - which just makes it all the better. I love the staccato beats and the bitchy lyrics ("round of applause to the biggest fool in the world, give 'em all you got and they still ride out into the sunset with the next girl"). Best of all is the genuinely catchy chorus. This should be a future single. "Standing O" has a rawness that the rest of the album is missing.

It's A Wrap (D-)
You know a song is fucked when the most interesting thing about it is the sound of champagne being poured in the intro. On the bright side, I'm guessing this is a bona fide cure for insomnia.

Up Out My Face (A+)
Hell, yes! This is more like it. Think of "Up Out My Face" as the flip side of "Standing O". Instead of Mariah being the dumpee, this time she's kicking her useless man to the curb and using some of the best lyrics of 2009 to do it. Mimi deserves a Grammy for the line "if we were two Lego blocks even a Harvard University graduate in class of 2010 couldn't put us back together again" alone. That shit gives me the giggles every time! It's a treat to hear a semi-uptempo track, particularly one with a bit of venom and attitude. With a decent remix this could be burning up gay clubs across the globe in the not too distant future.

Up Out My Face (The Reprise)
Hasn't Janet Jackson proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that interludes are always a bad idea?

More Than Just Friends (B-)
Another nice, if totally forgettable slow jam. I like the sample of Biggie's "One More Try" (which in turn samples DeBarge's "Stay With Me") but the track is still DOA. I think The-Dream and Tricky Stewart deserve a lot of the blame. I hate it when producers try to suffocate an artist in their sound (see Timbaland/Madonna on "Hard Candy") instead of tailoring the beats to an artist's existing style (see Timbaland/Nelly Furtado on "Loose"). This just sounds like every other record The-Dream has ever produced and Mariah deserves better than a Christina Milian B-side.

The Impossible (C-)
Yawn. This is just lazy. An incredibly annoying guitar loop and stupid lyrics about loving someone "like free money" do not a good song make. Who exactly is this song aimed at? Old Lambs suffering from marijuana psychosis? This could have easily been a big ballad but Mimi all but whispers the words until the last verse. It's nice that she's trying to show restraint but this is ridiculous.

The Impossible (The Reprise)
Next!

Angel (Prelude)
These interludes are seriously annoying.

Angels Cry (A+)
I know it's pure schmaltz and completely ridiculous but I love this cheesy shit. It's the closest thing to an old school ballad and stands out like a sore thumb on the album. The lyrics are completely over the top but they appeal to the hopeless romantic in me. "Angels Cry" is the kind of even too cliched for Hallmark rubbish that would make me cry if I someone sent it to me. It's nice to hear Mariah finally sing for a change instead of whispering. This is probably the only song (with the exception of the Foreigner cover) that will appeal to Mimi's army of housewife fans. Perhaps dusting it off as a Christmas single would be wise.

Languishing (The Interlude)
Now this is just getting vindictive.

I Want To Know What Love Is (B-)
I want to love this. On paper it sounds like a great idea. Mariah + choir + 80s classic should equal worldwide #1 smash. Instead it comes off as completely stale and boring. Where is the emotion? Where is the huge vocal delivery that fans have come to know and love? Why does she sound so utterly fucking bored? On the bright side, this is the only song on the album where you can actually hear musical instruments so I guess that's something. A disappointing end to a disappointing album.