The E.N.D. - Pop Trash Review

Halfway through "The E.N.D." I was ready to declare it the best pop album of 2009, such is the brilliance of tracks like "I Gotta Feeling", "Alive" and "Rock That Body". Unfortunately, the albums loses a bit of momentum and the second half is something of a letdown in comparison. That doesn't change the fact that "The E.N.D." is an extraordinarily fun album. This is one of those rare discs that you could spin at a party and be guaranteed to please the vast majority of people in the room. The move towards electro and dance is inspired and no act in modern music bridges the gap between hip hop and pop better than the Black Eyed Peas.

Given their usually obtuse lyrics about Fergie's humps and endless sex appeal, it comes as something of a surprise that the band has a theme this time around. I guess you could even call "The E.N.D." a concept album of sorts. In the liner notes will.i.am writes eloquently about the death of record stores and the demise of music in a physical form - and this collection of tunes deals with what comes next. It's all about the future of music and that's reflected in the robotic beats, computerised voice effects and fearless blending of genres. There's even a song about Facebook and Myspace! The result is a fresh and exciting album that sometimes buckles under the weight of its own epic scale. Coming in at 25 tracks (if you buy the Deluxe Edition and I highly recommend you do), "The E.N.D." is almost overwhelming. However, in the days of individual track downloading and homemade playlists, it's easy to come up with a version to suit almost everyone and, to be honest, I think that's the whole point of "The E.N.D." - to celebrate the digital world and all the new opportunities it brings.

Here's my track by track review:


Boom Boom Pow - 8/10

This sets the tone of the album perfectly with its robotic voice effects and futuristic beats. However, it's not representative of the rest of the songs at all. "Boom Boom Pow" is the only track that has been deconstructed to such a devastating extent. I know a lot of people despise "Boom Boom Pow" but I think it's clever, post modern and ridiculously catchy despite (or perhaps because of) its minimalist approach. That being said, I couldn't cope with a whole album of this shit without falling into some kind of hypnotic trance. Thankfully the Peas realise this and are smart enough not to use the same trick twice.

Rock That Body - 8.5/10

French DJ David Guetta joins will.i.am for production duties on this epic dance track and the result is surprisingly brilliant. In fact, you could be forgiven for mistaking "Rock That Body" for a Daft Punk song. That's not to say it's a rip off. The mash of electronic and trance elements has been done before but not within the context of urban music. I particularly love the sample of Lynn Collins' disco classic "Think (About It)" and can see this being a club smash.

Meet Me Halfway - 10/10

This is my equal favourite song on "The E.N.D." and I'm incredibly bitter that it's been wasted as one of three pre-album promotional singles along with "Imma Be" and "Alive". It's such a relief to have Fergie take over vocal duties after remaining very much in the background for the first two tracks. In fact, the holy Queen of urban pop takes a backseat for most of the album. You can still hear old methhead's stunning vocals on almost every track but she doesn't rule the microphone to the extent she has on past albums - a clear ploy to distinguish "The E.N.D." from "The Dutchess", which (let's face it) featured almost exactly the same line-up of producers and songwriters. It works in places but there's no denying the album lifts every time we hear that fergalicious voice and "Meet Me Halfway" is a perfect example. This glorious synth drenched, pure pop anthem channels Madonna and Stacey Q at the height of their mid-80s fabulousness. I really hope Fergie's next solo album sounds a little something like this.


Imma Be - 3/10

I can appreciate the skill displayed on this track. The production is slick and the rhymes are tight but I'm too gay, too old and way too white to sing along to lyrics like "Y'all niggers wanna talk shit"!

I Gotta Feeling - 10/10

David Guetta has been one of the world's hottest DJs for years but if "I Gotta Feeling" is anywhere near as huge as I think it's going to be, it's only a matter of time before he's an A-list producer as well. The second single from "The E.N.D." is quite simply the year's best party anthem. This is the perfect soundtrack for a big night out. "I Gotta Feeling" captures the moment of standing in front of the mirror on a Saturday night, flattening your asymmetrical haircut or undertaking some last minute manscaping. It's about the excitement of what's to come and the potential the night holds. This is uplifting, catchy and utterly joyous.


Alive - 9/10

This is another fantastic song that was rudely wasted as a promotional single. Will.i.am returns to the production desk for this gorgeous disco-soul-hip hop hybrid. As sunny and relaxed as a Sunday afternoon, "Alive" is an unexpected treat among all the club bangers and party anthems. This loses one point for a bit of vocoder overkill. Other than that, this breezy little gem is almost perfect.

Missing You - 8.5/10

Fergie pushes the pretenders aside to belt out the chorus on this winner. Produced by Printz Board (the man who crafted "Differently" for Cassie Davis), "Missing You" is a poptastic chorus wedged between electro verses and rap interludes. Like "Differently", it sounds like three different songs rolled into one but in this case it works.

Ring-A-Ling - 5/10

Despite being catchy in an incredibly annoying kind of way, "Ring-A-Ling" is a song in search of a melody. Think of this as an uptempo version of "Boom Boom Pow" without the killer rhymes. The production (courtesy of Keith Harris) is dazzling but as mum always says, you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. However, this is perfectly acceptable as an album track.



Party All The Time - 8/10

Yet another effortlessly uplifting and catchy party anthem. And again it's Fergie's vocal that lifts this track to the next level. The almost industrial electro beats are sometimes overwhelming but I defy you not to move your feet. I love the trashy lyrics and Fergie sings the hell out of the chorus. This just makes you want to down a beer and throw your hands in the air. My favourite lyric is "I want to party like Ibiza, we don't need a visa" and when Fergie begs "take me to the club so we can dance". This distills every fun weekend you've every had and rolls them all into one song.

Out Of My Head - 8/10

Fergie's only real lead vocal is on a track about being pissed in a club. Classy! It took me a couple of listens to warm to the deep funk of "Out Of My Head" but I like it more every time I hear it. The brass is a nice surprise and the line where Fergie demands vodka and Red Bull is seriously fabulous. This sounds a little like Jamiroquai - if he were a cheap, drunken whore on the prowl for penis.

Electric City - 5/10

A slightly monotonous rap track with migraine inducing sound effects. I swear Fergie sings "pictures of my dick, no my dildo". If that's the case, I take it all back and give this 10/10.

Showdown - 6.5/10

Band member apl.de.ap is given production duties on "Showdown" and he does a good job. It's nice to actually hear a couple of real instruments and the dance-hip hop blend works well, particularly in the chorus. I just think this is missing the hook to take it to the next level but it's decent filler.


Now Generation - 6/10

This is the song I mentioned earlier about social networking sites. It's fun and suits the album's theme but the lyrics are pretty embarrassing given that Fergie & co are all staring down the barrel of middle age. "Now Generation" has potential but the production is underdone and again, it lacks a hook. Even Fergie's wicked chorus can't save it.

One Tribe - 7/10

After a string of uninspiring electro-rap numbers, the Peas redeem themselves on this world music flavoured call for peace. I love the "woahs" and the simple lyrics are inspiring without being preachy. Think of this as the upbeat cousin of their breakthrough smash "Where Is The Love". C'mon, let's catch amnesia!

Rockin' To The Beat - 6.5/10

This disco meets electro floorfiller is a blatant excuse to play around with different production techniques and technologies. It's fun but there's no meaning to or emotion behind it and the song ultimately brings nothing new to "The E.N.D.". That said it's a perfectly harmless conclusion to an otherwise fun album.

Bonus Disc

Where You Wanna Go - 8.5/10

I can't believe this catchy little tune didn't make the final cut! "Where You Wanna Go" has hit written all over it! Will.i.am's short bursts of rap cradle a remarkable pop-rock chorus that allows Fergie to show off her powerful pipes. This is definitely worth hunting down.

Simple Little Melody - 9/10

Boys Noize are a relatively unknown German production outfit but I wish the Peas had hired them to produce more than this solitary track. "Simple Little Melody" is a wicked cross between Eiffel 65 and Royksopp that wouldn't sound out of place on a 90s trance compilation. Well, the bits without the futuristic effects anyway! This delivers exactly what the title promises - a simple little melody that gets stuck in your head and refuses to budge. It's worth buying the Deluxe Edition of "The E.N.D." for this gem alone. As Fergie sings, this "equals BEP, bitch"!

Mare - 4/10

Unfortunately, this isn't about a horse. It's just another rape of an old A R Rahman song. Can the Indian craze please be over soon? I'm yet to hear anything decent come from it and that includes PCD's abysmal "Jai Ho".

Don't Bring Me Down - 7/10

Slightly reminiscent of "Pump It", this joyous little number borrows elements from 70s rock and soul. The rap verses are slightly boring but the feel good chorus is another winner. It's just not quite as polished as the other party anthems on the album.

That's The Joint - 2/10

An unnecessary jazz improv session that feels extremely out of place. "That's The Joint" really should be collecting dust on a studio shelf somewhere.

Another Weekend - 4.5/10

This boring and anonymous hip hop jam will only appeal to urban fans. Fergie's vocal is slinky and sexy but this goes nowhere fast.

Bonus Remixes - 7/10

The bonus disc also includes the following remixes of previous BEP hits. They're all fun but none of them improve on the original. That being said, they're nice to have in the collection and it's nice to get some value for money for a change.

Pump It Harder (a remix of "Pump It")
Let's Get Re-Started (a remix of "Let's Get Retarded")
Shut The Phunk Up (a remix of "Shut Up")
Don't Phunk Around (a remix of "Don't Phunk With My Heart")

I'm Not Dead

I can't believe it's been 6 weeks since my last post! It's a bit of an understatement to say that my operation was a complete disaster. Basically, everything that could go wrong did go wrong - from a brief coma to a rather unpleasant bout of internal bleeding. It was really tough but hopefully the worst is behind me. Thanks a bunch for the kind comments, texts and e-mails. They cheered me up no end!

As far as blogging is concerned, I kind of don't know where to start. There are a couple of major changes on the horizon but for the time being it's business as usual. I wanted to return with a bang but I thought I'd keep things simple by just writing a quick post about the songs that have kept me company over the past few weeks. In my defence, I have been heavily sedated for most of that time - which could explain some of my choices!

Here are my top ten tracks from March/April 2009:

The gorgeous Lisa Mitchell

1. Coin Laundry - Lisa Mitchell

I hated Lisa Mitchell on Australian Idol and rudely wrote her off as a dull Sarah Blasko wannabe. I take it all back. Lisa brings something unique and lovely to the local music scene. My opinion changed when I heard her song "Neopolitan Dreams" on a UK television advert for soap powder and finally started to get her quirky appeal. Now I'm completely besotted. "Coin Laundry" is one of the best Australian pop songs released this year. It's so simple and pretty. I love the pared back beats and Lisa's romantic lyrics. Hopefully, she'll make an equally appealing video to accompany the song. In the meantime you can hear it on her Myspace.

2. El Camino - Sol Rojo

Sol is clearly the sexiest woman in Spain or the rest of the world for that matter. Her stunning features and incredibly broad child-bearing hips are almost enough to turn me straight! Happily, her music is just as fabulous as her image. I've been loving "El Camino" since last year but it really clicked over the past few weeks. It's so bright and sunny - the perfect antidote for a foul mood or a pesky coma. Make sure you check out the HOT video. Sol was made to be an FHM covergirl!

3. Zero - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

This is such a potent piece of pop music. Every time "Zero" comes on the radio, I have to pump up the volume and sing along. I've never been a fan of the band but "Zero" ticks all of my boxes from the electric production to the anthemic chorus. There's just something shiny and uplifting about the track, which is a surprise given their cooler than cool image. I'm really shocked this wasn't a bigger hit but I guess the Yeah Yeah Yeahs are more of an albums act. Speaking of which, I really should check out "It's Blitz!".

4. Siren Song - Bat For Lashes

I haven't shut up about Bat For Lashes this year. "Daniel" still has me completely and utterly under its spell but I initially found the album quite disappointing. "Two Suns" is finally starting to click with me - largely due to the brilliance of "Siren Song", which has to be the most gorgeous ballad released thus far in 2009. Natasha's lyrics are so raw and beautiful. This reminds me of something from Tori Amos' "Little Earthquakes" album with a bit of old school Fleetwood Mac thrown in for good measure. I hope "Siren Song" is a single but I guess it's not very commercial. Definitely download this one from iTunes.

5. Sleepyhead - Passion Pit

You know a song is quality when it puts a smile on your face even while you're bent over in pain in hospital. I stumbled across "Sleepyhead" on Rage at about 4am on a particularly bleak Saturday morning and it instantly lifted my mood. The quirky electro lullaby is a three minute dose of pure happiness. I don't know much about the group but I plan to fix that. Make sure you check out the cute video (below).

6. Your Love Found Me - Heidi Montag

Don't judge me! I don't care what anyone says, Heidi Montag is an AMAZING pop star. I've loved everything she has released and her recent EP "Wherever I Am" is no exception. I'll write more about that pop masterpiece another time but the highlight for me is the trashtastic "Your Love Found Me". This is pure cheese - think Ashlee Simpson produced by Stock Aitken Waterman - but still incredibly fabulous. I love the tragic chorus and Heidi's stunning vocals are just as... breathtaking as ever!


7. When Love Takes Over - David Guetta Ft. Kelly Rowland

Poor Kelly Rowland. She's had more flops than Beyoncé's had hits. On the bright side, Kelly can take heart in the fact that she's not Michelle Williams. But I digress. Miss Kelly's latest endeavour is seriously fabulous. French DJ David Guetta knows his way around a killer dance track and roping in a has-been from Destiny's Child turns out to be a masterstroke. "When Love Takes Over" is a hands in the air gay anthem of the highest order. Hopefully, Kelly will take note and focus on the dancefloor for her next flop album.

8. Boom Boom Pow - Black Eyed Peas

And the award for the song that I initially hated, then found annoying but catchy and ultimately fell in love with goes to "Boom Boom Pow". The Black Eyed Peas took a risk by going with this for their big comeback but it really paid off. The production is so unusual but the minimal beats and multitude of quirky hooks get stuck in your head and refuse to leave. It's also a treat to see Fergie's stunning meth face back in the media spotlight. Long live the Queen of urban pop!

9. LoveGame - Lady GaGa

I don't care if she is the biggest publicity whore in modern history, Lady GaGa is still ok by me as long as she keeps on churning out tunes as catchy and fierce as "LoveGame". Strangely, I didn't really get the track until it was released as a single. I still think there are far better tracks on the album but all that talk about disco sticks finally won me over.

10. Through With Love - Zuleyka

"Through With Love" is the best Cher track that Cher never recorded. Zuleyka is a fabulous tranny who first appeared on UK's Big Brother before deciding to launch a music career. I can't believe the hateful comments on youtube. Zuleyka has a better voice that Leona Lewis and Alexandra Burke put together, not to mention better looks and more personality. "Through With Love" is simply amazing and I can't wait to hear what s/he comes up with next!

Shit I Like - Vol. 1

The title of this post is kind of self-explanatory! Quite a few people have been asking me for new music recommendations, so I thought I'd share some of my current favourites. I've tried to stick with songs that are available or soon to be available on iTunes but I couldn't help throwing in a couple of tacky gems. The list doesn't include acts I've recently written about, so don't forget to hunt down the latest anthems by CC Martini, Billiam, Tila Tequila, Robyn Loau and the holy mutant princess, Solange! The first pick of my list is Kylie's magnificent "The One" - a timely reminder that there is nothing wrong with Ms Minogue. This is perfect pop and the Freemasons Club Mix is 9 minutes of pure bliss. Sadly, plans for "The One" to be released as the 4th single from "X" have been scrapped - so anyone lucky enough to get their hands on the dildotastic promo should consider themselves very lucky!

Anyone in the mood for a dose atmospheric dance music need look no further than the Deadmau5 Remix of Morgan Page's "The Longest Road". This track has a sparse, organic feel that I love. The Radio Edit comes highly recommended and is available on Aus iTunes.

The next track is dedicated to Tommie, who turned me on the mind blowing delights of Norway's MiMiracle. This stunning diva will amaze you with her unique vocals and inability to keep her clothes on. I admit, the first time I heard "Show Me", I prayed for a mimiracle that the song would hurry up and end before my ears started to bleed. I take it all back. MiMiracle shows Robyn up as the boring Swedish cunt she really is. Fans of Scandipop have a new icon to worship! Check out the breathtaking video clip if you're not convinced. Masked intruders and MiMiracle's pendulous breasts make for hypnotic viewing! Unfortunately, "Show Me" is yet to hit iTunes. Boo!

Speaking of busty Norwegians, Linni Meister (probably best known for her destruction of "Survivor") has a new ditty that I've been meaning to write about for months. "Where My Limo At?" is just as classy as the title would suggest and you can download this nugget of pop gold from Aus iTunes. When is this fabulous bitch going to release an album?

Time for a change of pace. Judith Owen is best known for her sweet blend of Jazz and folk music but she occasionally mixes in the slightest touch of pop and the results are inevitably fabulous. I just fell in love with "Creatures Of Habit", it's so simple and beautiful - and Judith is seriously rocking the naughty headmistress look on the cover! Hear this amazing talent perform the song live here. "Creatures Of Habit" is available from Aus iTunes.

There's a reason why everyone's jumping on the Lady GaGa bandwagon - "Just Dance" is seriously fucking awesome. I'm very pleased to see the song steadily climbing the iTunes hot 100. "Just Dance" is one of few tracks that lives up to its hype. Possibly the year's best electro floorfiller.

The holy Queen of American pop just keeps on getting better! Seriously, Fergie can do no wrong as far as I'm concerned and her "Sex & The City" theme song is another trash classic. "Labels Or Love" displays the full extent of Fergie's amazing talent: hilarious lyrics, bad sampling and random comments about her incomparable hotness. "Labels Or Love" is currently gracing in the Australian top 20. I am proud.

I take back all the nasty things I said about The Veronicas. The twins haven't put a foot wrong with their latest album. The singles have all been amazing and "This Love" is no exception. I love their new softer, pop sound. It suits them wonderfully. Another well deserved top 10 hit for the girls.

"Fashion" is a new highwater mark for American pop music. End of. Bow down to the poptastic genius that is Heidi Montag!

I can't believe Enrique is still flogging his shiteous "Insomniac" album. "Can You Hear Me" was added as a bonus track in Europe to coincide with the song being chosen as the official theme to Euro 2008. I rather like it. This is a return to the poptastic goodness of "Hero". Check out the extremely gay Moto Blanco remixes, all available on iTunes.

Speaking of gayness, when did urban music get so fagtastic? Chris Brown's "Forever" is an example of everything that is right with R'n'B in 2008. Cheesy lyrics, synths and a dance beat. Seriously, Cher would turn up her nose at this tacky shit! I love it.

Here's something different. I haven't written much about country music on this blog but I actually am quite a fan. Admittedly 90% of the country albums in my collection were recorded by Dolly Parton but that's beside the point! I don't mind the occasional twangy guitar and The McClymonts are quickly becoming a favourite of mine. I guess you would describe them as Australia's Dixie Chicks only prettier and with a slight pop twist. "Finally Over Blue" is a great little tune. Give it a go!

I know it's a couple of months old but I'm still loving Vanessa Amorosi's Perfect. It's heart warming to see Australia's favourite lesbian back in the top 5 after spending all those years mending fences in the outback. I'm not very keen on her new album but "Perfect" sits nicely along side "Shine" and "Absolutely Everybody" as modern Australian pop classics.

Speaking of Ness Ness, her touring partner Michael Paynter has released a fairly decent song of his own. "Closer" was released months ago without making any impact at all but it's starting to make waves since being used in TV advertisement. I think Michael looks and sounds like Anthony Callea (with even gayer hair) but I still can't hate him. "Closer" is cute, catchy and uplifting in an annoying kind of way. I hope it takes off for him.

Fergie has been slumming with Japanese nobody Kumi Koda. I'm not a big fan of Kumi (she's no Ami Suzuki!) but I love "That Ain't Cool", probably because of Fergie's fabulous presence. The song was a #2 hit in Japan. I hope Fergie deletes Kumi from the song and releases it in Australia as the 107th single from "The Dutchess"!

I was critical of Jennifer Hudson's vocal performance on the "Dreamgirls" Soundtrack (basically she's not a patch on Jennifer Holliday) but her debut single "Spotlight" has been a guilty pleasure of mine for weeks. It's a relief to hear a diva actually sing instead of talk her way through a song and the understated production is really quite lovely. I hope this takes off for her, anything would be better than Jordin fucking Sparks.

Ok, this is cheating. "Say Goodbye To La La Land" is an album not a single but it's fresh to Aus iTunes and I just can't get enough of it. Sirens is one of my all time favourite girlbands and their funky new urban sound is scorching hot. My favourites include "Dreams", "Own Thing" and "Little Girl". This is definitely one of 2008's best pop albums. Very highly recommended!

I feel for Kelly Rowland. The sad bitch has spent her career standing in Beyonce's shadow, releasing whatever shit B has already turned down. She's like the poor man's Solange! Happily, 2008 has been kind to Kelly. "Work" turned out to be one of the year's best club anthems and the follow up "Daylight" isn't completely shit either. A cover of the Bobby Womack's classic, Kelly's version is a lot of fun - if you ignore the god awful rent-a-rapper. I suggest checking out the trashy Hex Hector club mix instead.

There must be some kind of a revolt going on in the Destiny's Child camp. First Kelly Rowland actually scores a hit and now Michelle Williams has gone and recorded what is hands down one of the best tracks of 2008. "We Break The Dawn" is one of those rare songs that just makes me feel happy when I hear it. I love the subject matter, the electro infused urban pop sound and Michelle's crazy dance moves in the video clip. If the curse of Beyonce doesn't strike Michelle dead in her tracks, this should be HUGE. On the Romanian club chart. "We Break The Dawn" isn't available on Aus iTunes yet but keep an eye out for it. It really is fantastic.

Duet Of The Decade - Beat It

Twenty five years ago Michael Jackson released his second album for Epic Records and promptly revolutionised popular music. "Thriller" spent 37 weeks at #1 in the US, spawned 7 top ten hits, earned 8 Grammy awards and sold more than 100 million copies, becoming the highest selling album of all time. In order to commemorate (ie. cash in on) the anniversary of "Thriller", Michael has re-recorded the album with the who's who of urban music including such luminaries as Akon, Kanye West, will.i.am and the holy queen of American pop - Fergie!

As a massive fan of "Thriller", news of the album's ghetto makeover didn't exactly fill me with joy. Songs of this quality don't need polluting by the likes of Cunt-ye West but if that's what it takes for Michael to revive his career, so be it. The recently leaked tracks from "Thriller 25" haven't done much to allay my fears but the album promises at least one gem - Michael's stunning duet with Fergie! The unlikely duo have collaborated on a fabulous update of "Beat It". Once you get past the dawning realisation that Fergie is now part of the "Thriller" legacy, the new "Beat It" is pretty hard to resist. Staying closer to the original than most of the revised tracks, "Beat It" boasts a slightly rocky edge and a memorable vocal from old meth head. I really hope this is a single. "Beat It" still sounds unbelievably fresh and Fergie's presence should ensure a high chart placing. Just imagine the film clip - Michael groping Fergie's lovely lady humps with his discoloured, band-aid covered hands! HOT. Expect to read a lot more about "Thriller 25" as well as an upcoming retrospective on the original album and its amazing singles.

Fergie Puts Me On Rock, Rock!

I don't often censor myself on this blog but I have resisted mentioning my Fergie admiration out of fear of public ridicule. However, I think the time has come to out myself. Before you start sharpening your knives - hear me out. I used to be one of you poor, misguided Dutchess haters. In fact, I believe I nominated Fergie as the worst pop star of all time for an online poll and described her solo album as "repugnant filth" the first time I heard it in late 2006.

I simply wasn't ready to embrace Fergie's musical genius but that started to change in early 2007 when Alanis Morissette spoofed "My Humps". I was shocked by the blatant disrespect Alanis showed the track. It might be utter rubbish in her eyes but "My Humps" will be remembered 20 years from now - unlike anything that horse faced bitch has released this decade. As a sucker for unusual promotion, my sympathy for Fergie only grew when she revealed having conversations with a washing basket under the influence of crystal meth. With a newly formed, positive opinion of the great woman, I was finally able to listen to her music with objectivity and was amazed by the brilliance of "Glamorous" and "Big Girls Don't Cry". The time had come to give "The Dutchess" a second chance and it has been a guilty pleasure of mine all year. Uneven and often downright embarrassing, "The Dutchess" is a pop trash classic in waiting. However, that's not why I felt compelled to write this post. The more I listen to Fergie's album, the stronger my conviction becomes that Fergie is the voice of our generation. There have been many better albums released this year but none that captures the zeitgeist as eerily as "The Dutchess". Evidence is provided below:

Fergalicious

I be up in the gym just working on my fitness
He's my witness!
I put your boy on rock, rock
And they be lining down the block just to watch what I got

In 200 years time when historians research the social mores of the early 21st century, I hope they stumble upon a copy of "Fergalicious" in order to fully understand the current phenomenon of shameless self-promotion. Never before in recorded history have people shared so much of themselves publicly - be it on Myspace, Facebook, Youtube or Blogger. I see "Fergalicious" as the musical equivalent of a Gaydar profile. Fergie rambles on about her self-proclaimed hotness in barely comprehensible English all the while lying through her teeth. The truth of Fergie's boasts are irrelevant, what matters is the image she puts forward - just like all those "straight acting, athletic" guys on Gaydar. Deep down we know they are probably mordibly obese, limp wristed queens but we like to think there's a hunk sitting behind the computer. We all lie but Fergie has turned baseless self-promotion into an artform!

Clumsy

A girl like me don't stay single for long

The fifth single from "The Dutchess" is pure Fergie. A completely pointless yet insanely catchy groove built around a variety of samples. You could argue that "Clumsy" represents everything that's wrong with music today. It's not a song so much as a collection of sounds thrown together with clinical precision in a recording studio. From the spoken vocal to the static beats and crazed sampling, "Clumsy" is a product of its time - and I'm ok with that.

All That I Got (The Make Up Song)

Would you love me
If I didn't work out
Or I didn't change my natural hair

Just when you think "The Dutchess" couldn't get any more insightful, Fergie extends her lyrical genius to cover topics like hair care and make-up. "All That I Got" plays like the soundtrack to a trashy magazine with its exploration of body image and emotional insecurity. The song itself is a charming groove that is only slightly ruined by an unnecessary guest rapper. It's nice to actually hear Fergie use her powerful pipes and the production less excessive than usual. Fergie cops a lot of criticism for the perceived superficiality of her work. I disagree, Fergie's world view is limited to looking hot, finding a man and being successful but how does that differ from the rest of Generation Y?

London Bridge

I'm such a lady but I'm dancin' like a ho

The world could really do without Fergie's ode to her engorged clit - or so I thought until I was dragged to a suburban disco by a friend's 17 year old sister. As soon as "London Bridge" hit the turntable, flocks of hotpant wearing tarts descended on the dancefloor screaming "It's my song!" before making obscene hand gestures between their legs and dancing like cheap prostitutes. The point I'm trying to make is that you probably need to be a teenager to get "London Bridge" or at least an avid pole dancer. Since that spiritual experience, my love for Fergie's stunning debut single has grown in leaps and bounds. "London Bridge" is a hot mess complete with rubbish lyrics, bad sampling and more false advertising about Fergie's irresistible hotness. A work of demented genius.

Pedestal

I've paid my dues
I'm a seasoned dame
So why you gotta throw salt in my game?

"Pedestal" is a direct response to the constant shit Fergie cops in the media. For whatever reason, the Dutchess is the pop diva bloggers and music journalists love to hate - criticising her music, rumoured botox addiction and weak bladder. This song is one long "fuck you" to all her haters. As she states in the revealing lyrics, Fergie has put in the hard yards. First as a child star in America and then as a member of the forgotten girlband, Wild Orchid. Unlike many of her contemporaries Fergie wasn't served her career on a silver platter and I respect that. "Pedestal" is compelling listening, if only for the legendary rhyming couplet "I work around the clock, so fill your mouth up with a sock"!

Voodoo Doll

This body's a temple of doom

"The Dutchess" really is a remarkable portrait of 21st century life. With Amy Winehouse and Britney destructing before our very eyes, Fergie's revelation of having overcome a crystal meth habit seems almost quaint in comparison. "Voodoo Doll" tackles Fergie's drug habit, making it one of the most personal tracks on the record. I'm particularly impressed with the lyrics - usually not one of Fergie's strongest points. This is as thought provoking and intelligent as any song I've heard about drug addiction. The production is also first class. The horns that come in at the end are a fantastic touch.

Glamorous

I'm no queen, I'm no machine
I still go to Taco Bell
Drive-through raw as hell

"Glamorous" is undoubtedly one of the year's finest pop songs. I was captivated by Fergie's gorgeous mid-tempo groove from the first listen and I still love every second of it. A radical departure in style, "Glamorous" is more traditional in structure and sound than most of "The Dutchess". Even the obligatory rent-a-rapper can't diminish the brilliance of this pop gem. "Glamorous" reflects on Fergie's life in the fast lane and documents her stunning achievements and massive success. For all the jibes about Fergie's perceived superficiality, "The Dutchess" is a very personal album.

Here I Come

Money don't change me
So hate if you gotta gotta
Cause I got a lot-a, lot-a

Listen to this awe-inspiringly awful pseudo cover of The Temptations' "Get Ready" at your own risk! The lack of respect shown to the original is really quite impressive. Fergie takes a much loved Motown classic, tears it inside out and comes up with a fabulously awful anthem, complete with lyrics about her humps and a dodgy rap. This is utter crap but I can't get enough of it. A guilty pleasure in the truest sense!

Velvet

Sink into me, I feel so warm

This song is clearly about Fergie's pussy. I'd rather not think about her "crumblin' walls".

Big Girls Don't Cry

Fairytales don't always have a happy ending do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

The 4th single released from "The Dutchess" towers above everything else on the album, perhaps with the exception of "Glamorous". In my opinion "Big Girls Don't Cry" is the finest ballad of the year and the average music fan seems to agree as evidenced by the song's massive 9 week stretch at #1 in Australia. Reviews haven't been as kind, with many critics dismissing "Big Girls Don't Cry" as an empty exercise in false sentiment. A kind of "Self-Reflection For Dummies", if you will. Well, I'm not buying into that kind of cynicism. I totally identify with Fergie's mantra about growing up and finally taking responsibility and I admire the way "Big Girls Don't Cry" expertly explores the very modern phenomenon of "kidulthood" and the sense inertia that plagues Generation Y. The song also stands out as the most traditional offering on "The Dutchess". There are no samples, no guest rappers or quirky hooks. The emphasis is placed squarely on the lyrics and Fergie's hugely underrated voice. A modern classic.

Mary Jane Shoes

When I wear my Mary Jane Shoes
I can escape from the blues
The whole world seems a little bit brighter, brighter

When I think of reggae music, Bob Marley's famous protest songs come to mind. Fergie, on the other hand, uses the genre to extol the virtues of her favourite pair of shoes. That, my friends, is the difference between 1967 and 2007 in a nutshell. The amazing thing about "Mary Jane Shoes" isn't the questionable subject matter but the fact that the song works - incredibly well. This reggae jam would be really quite outstanding if it wasn't ruined by a completely unnecessary 30 second outro of guitar static. A missed opportunity for a very memorable single.

Losing My Ground

I woke up short of breath, but still I've got a long day ahead of me

"Losing My Ground" is a fairly forgettable album track that straddles the line between R'n'B and rock without committing to either genre. The lyrics explore the familiar theme of feeling lost and overwhelmed by life but it lacks the punch of Fergie's other reflective moments. Inoffensive but slightly boring.

Finally

Ever since I was a baby girl I had a dream
Cinderella theme, crazy as it seems

Fergie's collaboration with John Legend is a surprisingly sweet piano ballad. Think of this as the overwrought but strangely endearing sister of "Big Girls Don't Cry". The Dutchess puts in another fine vocal performance but the lyrics read like a badly written Hallmark card... or the random musings of a 21st century "it" girl. However, after the endless onslaught of samples and studio trickery, the pared back sound of "Finally" comes as something of a relief.


Get Your Hands Up (Bonus Track)

This song is credited to Fergie featuring The Black Eyed Peas. Surely that makes it a Black Eyed Peas track? In any case, it sure as hell sounds like one to me. If I wanted to hear will.i.am rap I'd fork out the cash for his shit solo album. No thanks.

Wake Up (Bonus Track)

The second bonus track finds Fergie in rock diva mode and the result is surprisingly convincing. "Wake Up" wouldn't sound out of place on a No Doubt album. This is a definitely a genre that Fergie needs to re-visit in the future. Worth a listen.

Maybe We Can Take A Ride (Hidden Track)

I hate these hidden tracks. It's annoying to listen to 30 seconds of dead air - particularly when you're greeted with a song as inane and pointless as "Maybe We Can Take A Ride". Fergie basically repeats the song title over an annoying saxophone line. Skip this shit.

"The Dutchess" is widely uneven dog's breakfast of an album. It dabbles in too many genres and, more often than not, is hampered by dodgy lyrics and excessive production. However, "The Dutchess" is so of its time that it almost defies criticism. If I had to pick one album to throw into a time capsule to represent the musical taste and social mores of 2007 this would be it. For better or worse.