Today is quite possibly the most important date in the history of popular music. My favourite Japanese diva - the heavenly Ami Suzuki - has just leaked a thirty second preview of her long awaited version of Kylie's "Can't Get You Out Of My Head" AND finally confirmed her first Australian tour (of Queensland nightclubs). I don't know where to start! I'm literally lost for words after hearing Ami's stunning cover, so I guess I'll begin with her tour. First and foremost - why is this living legend confining herself to the Sunshine State? Ami's tens of fans would fill venues right across Australia. I know my local Sushi Train would be packed to the rafters! It's frustrating but I won't let 730 measly kilometres come between me and the pride of Japan. The prospect of hearing the Queen of Avex mime to a bunch of her top 35 smash "hits" is just too tempting. Queensland, here I come! At the moment the diva's Australian tour consists of the following dates:
- The 14th of March at Bedroom Nightclub on the Gold Coast (link) - The 18th of March at Church Nightclub in Brisbane (link)
I'm not familiar with either venue, so if anyone has any suggestions - please let me know. I just hope Ami belts out a couple of early classics like "Be Together" and "Love The Island" as well as her trashtastic Avex masterpieces "Free Free", "One" and "Can't Stop The Disco". Speaking of that last smash, you might remember my post about the song's video clip. It's basically a frame by frame copy of Kylie's "In My Arms", so I find it only fitting that Ami pay tribute to Australia's own Queen of pop by covering her biggest hit. Needless to say, the Japanese icon does Kylie proud. Changing the lyrics to "I just can't get you out of my hair" was a masterstroke! Ami's breathtaking anthem will feature on this upcoming compilation but until then, enjoy the 30 second preview (below). Ayumi and Utada could never...
In my own little universe Mini Viva's "I Wish", or more specifically the gorgeous Cahill radio edit (below), is a multi-platinum #1 smash hit. I love everything about the poptastic duo's second single. There's an unusual softness to the wistful lyrics, which are perfectly cradled by a lush symphony of synths before exploding into the kind of joyous chorus not heard since the disco era. Just when you thought Xenomania's creative well had run drier than Susan Boyle's ladybits, the producers serve up their best song since Kylie's "Made Of Glass" - only to see it stall at a floptastic #73 on the UK charts. What the fuck? The track is infinitely superior to "Left My Heart In Tokyo" and that landed safely in the top 10. I know "I Wish" was released during the hectic Christmas period but did everyone with taste flee Great Britain in its week of release? If nothing else, Mini Viva's stunning flop makes me less apprehensive about Kylie's rumoured collaboration with Xenomania on her next album. Something along the lines of "I Wish" would suit her perfectly - even if it is chart poison! Hopefully, the girls bounce back with single number three. They put The Saturdays and Girls Aloud to shame.
A belated congratulations to Dannii for breaking the Minogue curse and getting knocked up before her uterus rusts over. I wish her and Kris every happiness!
Welcome back for 2010! I know it's been ages since my last post but I was hoping to give the blog a much needed overhaul and desperately wanted to come back with a bang. Well, I failed miserably on the first count (if someone can help makeover this dive - please send me an email!) but I think I did considerably better on the second. Towards the end of last year I wrote a couple of nostalgic posts about much loved Young Talent Time alumni Natalie Miller. I shared one of my YTT favourite videos and reminisced about what I thought was Natalie's only single. As it turns out, the 80s icon read that post and kindly agreed to be probed about her YTT glory years, bad hair days, her friendship with Dannii, singing back up for Kylie and her (failed but) fabulous music career. I'm hugely excited to have Natalie on Pop Trash and hope you all enjoy this walk down memory lane as much as I did.
Thanks so much for agreeing to chat. Like many gays of a certain age (mid-20s... *cough*), I grew up watching you on Young Talent Time and have been a fan ever since. What are you up to these days? Are you still in music? Well, I did continue singing for many years, however these days I have stepped behind the scenes and am very busy doing a number of things. I manage a couple of young bands - Chicks Who Love Guns and The Vignettes - with my fiance. I also have a casting company called Citizen Jane which specialises in 'street casting' which is keeping me very busy. I also work in event production and work on a lot of fashion shows as well as parties, etc. I have always liked to keep busy and wear a few hats!
This much glamour should be illegal
YTT was such an iconic show but it also left a bit of a stigma, for want of a better word, on the cast members. In retrospect, do you think the show was a blessing or a curse? Did it help or hinder your career? I think I can only look at it in a positive light. If it hadn't have been for the show there is every chance I would not have done most of the things I have done in my life. Music is a very hard business to start out in as a complete unknown so the show definitely gave me a foot in the door. Having said that, I do think it gave people - mostly industry insiders such as record company execs - a pre-conceived idea of what to expect from me which was sometimes frustrating. In the long run though, I probably wouldn't even be doing what I do now without that entry into show business at such a young age.
Who were you closest with on the show? Dannii, Vince and Tim. We were a little foursome and used to laugh and have so much fun.
Do you have a favourite YTT performance? I love your cover of Sabrina's "Boys (Summertime Love)" and "Together In Electric Dreams". Oh my goodness! You seem to have a much better memory of it all than I do!! I think mine would probably be the medley (ha ha!!) of Janet Jackson hits "Nasty Girls/What Have You Done For Me Lately" that Dannii and I did. It was quite edgy at the time for the show and seeing that I always got the Mother Of The Week soppy ballads, was a great chance for me to show my cool side!! Dannii and I also choreographed that little number ourselves..... I think we ripped most of the moves directly off the Janet Jackson filmclips which we studied in Dannii's lounge room for hours!
Natalie & Dannii show Janet how it's done!
Can you tell us something we might not already know about Dannii. When was the last time you saw her? I haven't seen Dannii for years! I think I ran into her by chance in London about 9 years ago maybe? All I can tell you is that she was always very fun and had a great sense of humour. We were very close growing up on the show.
Speaking of the Minogues, I distinctly remember you singing back up for Kylie. How did that come about? What are your memories from the Intimate & Live tour? That was the start of Kylie's big comeback in Australia. Chong Lim who was the musical director for the tour actually called me re that gig, as it was primarily the Farnham Band however Kylie's producer wanted to bring in a couple of extra members. I had known Kylie since I was very young and had also been friends with her manager for some time so strange that it came about that way. I have the BEST memories of that tour! We had a total blast on stage and off. Kylie's popularity had dropped off a little at that point so the shows were in smaller theatre venues but the audiences just kept coming and more shows were being added all the time. The crowds had so much fun at those shows as well. I think it was also great to see Kylie in a 'band' situation like that and I am sure she would also have great memories of that tour. I was so lucky getting opportunities such as that. I also did backing vocals for some other great acts including INXS, Barbra Streisand and Deep Purple. Quite a mixed bag!!!
You also worked with another iconic Australian. Tell us about your stunning 1988 duet with Vinnie Del Tito. Was it a hit? Ha! Not so stunning I am afraid! We were pretty much fresh out of YTT and we did a tour together... RSL clubs and the like. Very cabaret! During that period we did record a single. I was very young then so I have no idea how it sold etc but I can safely confirm it wasn't a hit! I was kind of in the habit of doing what I was told at that point without questioning the long term advantages or disadvantages. Not that I was forced into it! I had just not thought about what I wanted to do with music as a career at that point. I was only 16.
In an old Smash Hits magazine you mentioned recording a Stock Aitken Waterman song called "When You Gonna". Do you remember anything about it? Hmm.... I don't remember this to be honest however it is possible I had been sent the song from a publishing company for consideration. You would be surprised how many songs are out there by big hit makers that have never been recorded .... but that is probably for a reason in most cases. A couple of weeks ago I found a copy of your classy Max22 collaboration in my box of trashy treasures and posted it on the blog. Who was Max22? What do you make of that song now? And most importantly, what the hell was going on with your hair? OMG! The hair!! Look, I am not excusing the hair however the issue on the cover is more to do with the artwork and the way they have cut around the image to place it on the white background. Still, bad hair but not my first bad hair moment! That whole song came about pretty much by accident. I used to help a friend out demoing vocals for 'pocket money' years ago back in Melb. He was writing with the Max 22 guy and I had done the original demo however I was never meant to be part of the act.... he had 2 other girls in Sydney for that job. Anyway, he ended up getting a record deal and when they recorded the single version in Sydney they flew me up to do some extra backing vocals. This then got sent to Germany to be mixed and came back with ONLY my vocals for the girl parts! So, I was then asked to appear as a guest vocalist which I agreed to. To be honest, I have never really been into that style of music but I was helping out some friends and thought I had nothing to lose if it went well. It has however now haunted me for years... especially in the aforementioned gay community! But better to be remembered than forgotten!
Brat - circa 2003
You disappeared for a while but re-emerged in 2003 with the band Brat. "He Said She Said" (below) was a very different sound for you. Was it a calculated step to distance yourself from your YTT image?(NB - I did some research and was genuinely surprised by the hype surrounding Brat. The praise the band receive in thisSydney Morning Herald articleis impressive). Definitely not calculated. That was actually the most honest representation of me and my musical tastes on record. For years I played with different styles of music but then I discovered a love for rock and indie music. Brat was definitely a lot more of a pop version of these styles however there is nothing wrong with pop music in my eyes. In hindsight, I wish I had of discovered that side of me a few years earlier but I certainly have no regrets.
The song had an amazing B-side "Everywhere You Go". Was that written for the same project? Was an album ever recorded? Again, a long time ago! I am having trouble remembering the exact timeline.... There was an album recorded which I am extremely proud of. It was however quite a bit different from both those tracks. I think when I recorded "He Said She Said" it was going to be a solo project initially but then I decided I wanted to put a band together. On that initial single I had the drummer from Howling Bells and Gary Beers from INXS on bass. I believe the producer - Barry Palmer from Hunters & Collectors - played guitar. I then put a more permanent band together who went on to record the album with me as well as collaborate on some of the writing. Nothing ever came of it unfortunately. I also moved to London and reformed the band over there as Citizen Jane. We did lots of gigs around London but again, nothing really came of it. I am still very proud of that album, however, so I think that made it easier for me to walk away from the limelight and step into a behind the scenes role.
LOL
You still have a lot of fans. Have you ever considered making a comeback? Not anymore. I am almost 36 years old... not the time to be starting afresh! I am getting married this year and am finding success in the areas I am now working which is extremely satisfying after years of being the 'on the verge'! You can only be a struggling/starving musician for so long. There is more to life!
Thanks for your time and all the wonderful YTT memories! Thanks to you and all the fans for enjoying the good and the bad!
Brat's one and only video clip - the brilliant "He Said She Said"
I used to think there were two kinds of live albums. A select few give you a whole new insight into the artist, while the vast majority are best thought of as souvenirs for hardcore fans. In the past Kylie has delivered one of each. As far as I'm concerned 1998's "Intimate & Live" is an essential milestone in the pop icon's career. It's a vibrant snapshot of the diva at her most brave and creative. When friends question Min's artistic credentials I play them "Take Me With You" or "Free" and watch their jaws drop. The same can't really be said for "Showgirl Homecoming Live" - regardless of how much I love it. Sure, there are some gems (the original and BEST version of "White Diamond" and the truly epic mash of "Light Years" and "Turn It Into Love") but most of the time I just watch the DVD. After all, the concert was created as a visual extravaganza and it definitely loses something in translation. So to which category does the recently released "Live In New York" belong? Well, neither. It doesn't really offer anything new but it's bursting with such a sense of joy and occasion that it's impossible to resist. Think of this as a celebration for the singer and her fans alike - and as a perfect end to the (in my opinion) highly underrated and intriguing "X" era.
"For You, For Me" is only the second Kylie tour I've missed in the past 20 years (the other being 1991's UK only "Let's Get To It" extravaganza), so I can't comment on the dancers, costumes or special effects but the setlist is a pleasing hybrid of "Showgirl Homecoming" and "X2008". The highlights of "X" are carefully sprinkled between the legend's greatest hits - with a medley and a couple of mash-ups thrown in for good measure. You've basically heard it all before if you attended either of Kylie's previous tours but it must have been a heady mix for the Minogue starved American gays! The quality is uniformly excellent, so it's hard to pick favourites but I particularly love the new arrangement of "Confide In Me", while joyous renditions of "The One" (the lo-fi guitar intro is a great touch), "In My Arms" and "Wow" are a testament to enduring appeal of "X". However, if I had to choose the highlight of "Live In New York" it would be the "Everything Taboo" medley. This is a wet dream for old school fans. Time has not wearied the brilliance of "Shocked" and "What Do I Have To Do?" one iota, while "Spinning Around" always sounds remarkably better live (it's one of the very few Kylie songs that I absolutely hate).
Criticisms? Well, it's a scandal they didn't drag Jazzi P out of retirement to rap on the aforementioned rendition of "Shocked" but apart from that there's not a lot wrong with the album. I am slightly annoyed that Kylie's stunning US smash hit "All I See" missed the cut and I feel the urge to point out that the "Red Blooded Woman/Where The Wild Roses Grow" mash didn't work that well to begin with (and still sounds shit). If I was going to be an extremely picky bitch I'd complain about the increasingly tired jazz interpretations of "I Should Be So Lucky" and "The Locomotion" and express my annoyance at the omission of the amazing new track "Better Than Today". I assume that means it will be appearing on the diva's next studio album but I'll be writing a strongly worded letter to KDB Pty Ltd if it's discarded like "Flower", "Ruffle My Feathers" and the original "White Diamond"! However, all this nitpicking seems incredibly petty, particularly when you consider the album's greatest achievement - documenting the sense of celebration that permeates every second of the concert. Kylie is clearly having the time of her life and it's almost impossible not to go along for the ride. "Live In New York" is available to download from iTunes now.
An edit of Kylie's fabulous retro "Everything Taboo" Medley
My future husband Andy Bull - Robbed of ARIA glory!
So this year's ARIA nominations (Australia's equivalent to the Grammies) have just been announced and all the usual suspects are heavily represented. Seriously, if you're the overhyped product of a major record label, specialise in indie rock or are simply a pretentious singer-songwriter with an alternative haircut then chances are you're going home with a swag of awards. Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to argue with The Temper Trap, Empire Of The Sun or even Kate Miller-Heidke snagging a bunch of nominations but Sarah Blasko, Eskimo Joe and AC/DC? Bitch, please. Why not just nominate Missy Higgins for whatever vomit inducing "masterpiece" she's currently working on/squeezing out of her arsehole? I guess pop music will never be recognised in this country so I've decided to come up with my own nominees. I know some of my choices are not eligible (due to release dates) but here goes:
ALBUM OF THE YEAR
AC/DC - Black Ice Sarah Blasko - As Day Follows Night Empire Of The Sun - Walking On A Dream Eskimo Joe - Inshalla The Temper Trap - Conditions
How depressing is this category? I have a sinking feeling that Sarah Blasko's cure for insomnia will win but I have my fingers crossed that Empire Of The Sun or The Temper Trap snatch it from her.
MY PICKS
Ladyhawke - Ladyhawke Shelley Harland - Red Leaf Sneaky Sound System - 2 Andy Bull - We're Too Young Lisa Mitchell - Wonder Jessica Mauboy - Been Waiting Empire Of The Sun - Empire Of The Sun Bertie Blackman - Secrets And Lies Dash & Will - Up In Something
NZ acts are clearly eligible, so where is Ladyhawke? People actually bought her album. Speaking of commercial success, why isn't Jessica Mauboy being rewarded for being the closest thing this country currently has to an authentic pop star? The lack of respect shown to Sneaky Sound System's stunning sophomore album is just rude, while Bertie Blackman has taken things to the next level with "Secrets And Lies". At least she snagged a best "Independent Album" nomination - poor Andy Bull's brilliant debut was completely ignored as was Shelley Harland's gorgeous "Red Leaf". That's not even touching on the injustice of Dash & Will's "Up In Something" being overlooked despite being the best teenage guitar-pop album released in recent memory.
SINGLE OF THE YEAR
Empire Of The Sun - Walking On A Dream Hilltop Hoods - Chase That Feeling Ladyhawke - My Delirium Kate Miller-Heidke - The Last Day On Earth The Tempter Trap - Sweet Disposition
This is one of the few categories I can't really criticise. "Walking On A Dream", "Sweet Disposition", "My Delirium" and "The Last Day On Earth" are all exquisite. "Chase That Feeling" isn't exactly my cup of tea but it's catchy as hell and perhaps the only example of local hip hop that broke through to the mainstream.
OTHER WORTHY CANDIDATES
Andy Bull - Small Town Girl Vanessa Amorosi - This Is Who I Am Zoë Badwi - Release Me Amy Pearson - Butterfingers Bertie Blackman - Byrds Of Prey Liena - Go Crazy Jessica Mauboy - Been Waiting Mandy Kane - 25 Seconds Ricki Lee - Don't Miss You Samantha Jade - Secret Lisa Mitchell - Coin Laundry @m8er - Kill That Bitch TV ROCK ft Rudy - In The Air Kylie - Chiggy Wiggy Evermore - Hey Boys And Girls (Truth Of The World) Lenka - The Show Natalie Imbruglia - Want Bluejuice - Broken Leg Bag Raiders - Shooting Stars Sneaky Sound System - I Will Be Here The Vanish - Heartbeat Nikki Webster - Devilicious
This is such a tough category. I think the ARIA voters actually did a pretty good job - with the obvious exception of forgetting "Small Town Girl", which is one of my favourite Australian singles of all time. I also think Jessica Mauboy was hard done by seeing as she is the only local artist regularly scoring top ten hits and has delivered a couple of top notch singles in the form of "Burn" and "Been Waiting". Zoë Badwi's massive club hit "Release Me" deserved some recognition, while Bag Raiders' breakthrough single is a true thing of a beauty. Another glaring omission is Lisa Mitchell's "Coin Laundry", which remains one of 2009's quirkiest pop songs. With any luck Vanessa's amazing pop anthem (currently #1 on iTunes!) will get a nod next year.
BEST FEMALE ARTIST
Sarah Blasko - As Day Follows Night Ladyhawke - Ladyhawke Jessica Mauboy - Been Waiting Kate Miller-Heidke - Curiouser Lisa Mitchell - Wonder
With the exception of Sarah Blasko, this is pretty spot on. I used to hate Kate Miller-Heidke but "The Last Day On Earth" has made me a late convert and Lisa Mitchell's album is as beautiful as it is odd. Both Ladyhawke and Jessica Mauboy both featured heavily in my best of 2008 countdown, so it's nice to see them getting some props.
There should be legislation in place to ensure Kylie is nominated every year even when she doesn't release anything. On a more serious note, I think Shelley Harland and Bertie Blackman were robbed and Lenka should get some sort of recognition for her international success. As should Samantha Jade, who continues to proudly fly the flag in LA (despite never having had a hit!) and even appears as a featured vocalist (on an iTunes bonus track) on David Guetta's smash hit album. $ucce$$!!!
BEST MALE ARTIST
Paul Dempsey - Everything Is True Bob Evans - Goodnight, Bull Creek Daniel Merriweather - Love And War Josh Pyke - Chimney's Afire CW Stoneking - Jungle Blue
Now this is completely fucking dire. I guess Daniel deserves some recognition for selling records in the UK but apart from being a hot piece he doesn't do much for me. No comment about the other nobodies.
OTHER SUGGESTIONS
Andy Bull Brecik Jason Singh
Poor Andy Bull. Are you cunts telling me he doesn't have more to offer than Josh Pyke, Bob Evans and Paul Dempsey? I don't even know who C.W. Stoneking is and I really don't want to! The pickings for this category are pretty slim but I would have thrown a nomination Brecik's way for shits and giggles, while Jason Singh sounded pretty good on Todd Watson's "World As You Know It". Where's John Farnham when you need him?
BEST GROUP
AC/DC The Drones Empire Of The Sun Eskimo Joe Hilltop Hoods
This line up represents everything wrong about the Australian music scene. Fingers crossed that sanity prevails and Empire Of The Sun win.
MY PICKS
Empire Of The Sun Bag Raiders The Temper Trap RAEN Dash & Will The Vanish
With Australian electro currently making waves around the globe, it seems appropriate that some of our best proponents of that genre (such as Bag Raiders and The Vanish) get some recognition. The Temper Trap should get a nod for the brilliance of "Sweet Disposition" alone. As for the other nominees, I think Dash & Will are the unsung heroes of 2009. They have released an amazing album and a string of great singles and noone seems to give a shit. I just hope they hurry up and release "Too Young Too Dumb" and finally achieve the commerical success they so richly deserve. Oh and RAEN should get something for carrying on in the face of constant failure.
BREAKTHROUGH ARTIST - SINGLE
Art Vs Science - Art Vs Science Bluejuice - Broken Leg Ladyhawke - My Delirium Jessica Mauboy - Running Back Feat. Flo Rida Lisa Mitchell - Coin Laundry
I love all these songs. Congratulations to the ARIA committee for getting it right.
OTHER WORTHY CONTENDERS
Zoë Badwi - Release Me Bag Raiders - Shooting Stars Liena - Go Crazy @m8er - Kill That Bitch
Dance music is always underappreciated but Australia's new Queen of dance should be applauded for spending 7 weeks at #1 on the club chart. Liena's "Go Crazy" is the closest an Australian will ever get to sounding like Rihanna and probably would have been a massive hit if it got any kind of promotion. The same goes for "Shooting Stars", which I'm pretty confident will get a much better reception in Europe than at home. As for @m8er, well I think she'll have the last laugh. Her album promises to be amazing.
BREAKTHROUGH ARTIST - ALBUM
Ladyhawke - Ladyhawke Jessica Mauboy - Been Waiting Lisa Mitchell - Wonder C.W. Stoneking - Jungle Blues The Temper Trap - Conditions
Who the hell is C.W. Stoneking and how can it be a breakthrough album if NOONE has ever heard of him? The rest of the choices are pretty spot on.
THESE POOR BITCHES WERE ROBBED
Andy Bull - We're Too Young Shelley Harland - Red Leaf Dash & Will - Up In Something
I know I sound like a broken record but these are three of my favourite albums of 2009. Andy captures the spirit of 70s soul in a way that Daniel Merriweather could only dream of and has pretty much come up with the soundtrack to (what remains of) my youth! Shelley's opus has provided me with so much comfort and joy this year. Her music is raw, honest and beautiful. "Panic To Control" is my new personal mantra, while I sent "Clouds Disappear" to a special someone because it said everything I was feeling but couldn't express in words. I've ranted enough about Dash & Will but it really is a great album. "Fighting Over Nothing", "Save Me" and "Some Like It Hot" are homegrown guitar pop at its finest.
I thought I'd finish up with a category of my own. I find it hard to define "pop trash" but all these amazing anthems convey the essence of this website. Amy because of her utter desperation and sleazy lyrics. Nikki because she's a child star turned FHM glamour model. @m8er because she doesn't give a shit. Kylie for having a sense of humour. And finally Samantha Jade for dressing like a porn star and spending her video clip (below) trying to turn an arrested homosexual. Respect ladies!
I feel like a bad Kylie fan. I didn't even know Parlophone was running a competition to find the best fan made "Speakerphone" video until I came across this brilliant animation on Trip The Switch. Seriously, who needs a professional clip when people can whip up shit like this on their home computer? Rudolph Pap (the animator) effortlessly captures the essence of "Speakerphone" and amusingly portrays Kylie as an evil mythological figure who (literally) draws hot men to their death with her beauty and sexual wiles. Andres Velencoso - run while you still can! All jokes aside, I honestly think this is a work of art. I love that animated Kylie spends most of the clip floating around naked and the big finale is wonderfully dark and twisted. Unfortunately, some of the more humourless members of Al Kylieda are up in arms over Rudolph's video but I hope common sense prevails. This is in a different league to the other entries and it deserves to be played before Kylie's Hollywood Bowl concert (which is the grand prize). If only the artist would turn his attention to Dannii!
I've been feeling so miserable today, dealing with various dramas but someone up above has obviously taken pity on me and decided to bring a little sunshine back into my life in the form of new music from Kylie and the first preview of Goddess Toy's stunning comeback "Home". I can't believe I'm being treated to new stuff from my two favourite divas in the one day. It feels like Christmas!
Moving on now to the Dutchess of Dance. Toy Toy has just unveiled a preview of her "Home" video clip and it looks suitably classy. I'm slightly disappointed that she's not at least holding a framed photo of Michael but the layers of vaseline on the camera lens more than make up for it. La Toya looks absolutely phenomenal. I can't believe she's older than Madonna - Toy could honestly pass for one of her adopted Malawi babies! My favourite part of the preview is when our queen walks along holding the candle. She looks like a supermodel and her diva strut puts Miss J to shame. I just wish she didn't look so damn happy. This is supposed to be a dedication to her dead brother not "Sexual Feeling - The Sequel"! Toy works in mysterious ways, so I guess all will be revealed when the clip debuts on the 1st of September. I can hardly wait.
I still remember the first time I heard "Body Language". My blood ran cold and I'm pretty sure a part of me died inside. In all my years as a Kylie fan, I don't think I've ever been so disappointed - and that includes the time I fell into a boredom induced coma listening to her first Deconstruction album. In retrospect, my expectations were ridiculously high. At the time I honestly thought Kylie could do no wrong. After a decade of hard knocks, she had somehow kicked and scratched her way to the top of the pop pile with "Fever" - even Jesus was jealous of her career resurrection! Kylie had seemingly found the winning formula and I naively hoped "Body Language" would deliver more of the same. It didn't. I was ready for just about anything apart from the eclectic mix of mid-tempo electronic jams, 80s funk and bizarre American-centric pop tunes. "Body Language" was the anti-"Fever" in just about every respect and it took me a long time to get into. Strangely, it now holds a special place in my heart. It's not the masterpiece that some deluded fans proclaim it to be but Kylie's 9th studio album is a daring and complex pop opus that houses some highly underrated gems.
A large part of my initial negative reaction to "Body Language" stemmed from the fact that it seemed to be a nasty case of false advertising. The lead single put off a lot of fans but I've always thought that "Slow" was the natural progression from "Fever". That track is so sleek, sophisticated and cool - while still being quintessentially Kylie. I love the minimalism. It's unbelievably low key, yet deceptively insistent and catchy. Team that up with the gay porn video clip and you have one of Kylie's finest singles and an exciting new musical direction. However, someone at Kylie HQ had other ideas. The Alexis Strum penned "Still Standing" is more reflective of the album's tone. Many fans consider this something of a diamond in the rough but I feel like there's something missing - like a chorus! The lyrics are great and suit Kylie perfectly but this should have been a hands in the air dance anthem, not a quirky mid-tempo electro number that goes nowhere faster than Dannii's career. "Secret (Take You Home)" is more like it. Often dismissed as a cringeworthy attempt to break America, I prefer to think of this catchy trash as one of Kylie's most fabulous guilty pleasures. I love the Lisa Lisa & The Cult Jam sample, while the rap is sheer camp genius - buckle up baby feel my speed, take you from zero to sixty!
So much was made of Kurtis Mantronik's involvement in the album that I was expecting something seriously brilliant. Instead, we got the stillborn "Promises" - a track that bores me as much today as it did 6 years ago. I will never understand why the gays on Say Hey were campaigning to get this released as a single, hell even "Nu-Di-Ty" has more commercial appeal! Speaking of hit potential, I think "Sweet Music" had plenty. It's perhaps the most straightforward pop tune on the album. I love the 80s references in the lyrics and the chorus is very catchy. Much like the sublime "Red Blooded Woman". I could write a thesis on the way this song divided fans but I loved it from the first listen. Bitches lamented the blatantly American sound - a criticism that seems ridiculous today when everyone with a recording contract is busily trying to jump on Rihanna's urban pop bandwagon. Then there were claims that Kylie was too old (at an ancient 35, mind you!) to sing lyrics about "freakin' around". Strangely many of the same people had no problem with 49 year old Madonna singing about her "sticky and sweet" candy shop. As far as I'm concerned, the song is a high camp triumph. I don't think anyone was buying the American makeover but I can't imagine my Kylie collection without this rubbish. The Whitey remix, in particular, is a trip to gay heaven. Happily, Kylie had the last laugh with this one. "Red Blooded Woman" is the only Kylie song apart from "Can't Get You Out Of My Head" that still gets played on Australian radio with any frequency (and that includes all the singles from "X") and the song has entered the national consciousness thanks to Kath & Kim. Who will ever forget Kim belting it out at Epponnee's wedding? Check it out below. The song starts at 1:20 mins. AMAZING!
The selection of "Chocolate" as the album's third and ultimately final single was a big mistake. I love the song - although I prefer the hilarious ghetto version with Ludacris that leaked a while ago - but fans were crying out for an upbeat dance track not a ballad, however dreamy and delicate it might be. The remixes were god awful and the promotion was non-existent, making the whole thing feel like some kind of contractual obligation. The only saving grace in my book is the kooky and extremely classy video that still pushes all my buttons. I was pretty harsh about "Promises" but Kurtis Mantronik redeems himself with "Obsession". This is 80s tinged electronica that actually works. The staccato beats are catchy, the lyrics are cute and I love the chorus. With a slightly beefier remix this could have been amazing. I feel exactly the same way about "I Feel For You". This track is so frustratingly close to being spectacular. The 90s piano is a surprising delight and the chorus is sublime but the verses don't quite work and that vocal sample annoys the hell out of me. It's almost like they tried a little too hard to make it cool and cutting edge. That being said, I always look forward to the pretentious thunder and rain in the last 30 seconds.
If I had to select a track from "Body Language" that deserves to be re-visited and re-evaluated by pop fans, it would have to be the big lump of sultry gorgeousness that is "Someday". I sometimes feel like the only card carrying Al Kylieda member that loves this but it's probably my favourite song on the whole album. Emiliana Torrini brings out a side of Kylie that I didn't know existed. The lyrics are so mature, the production is complex and eccentric (in a good way) and the cameo from Scritti Politti frontman Green Garside is a great touch. Whenever I find myself wishing "Body Language" had turned out differently, I just listen to "Someday" and get over it. That little gem is followed by the equally brilliant "Loving Days", which has to be in the running for Kylie's greatest ever ballad. Richard Stannard and Julian Gallagher create such a lush and dreamy canvas for one of Kylie's best vocal performances. Everything about this sublime gem just works. I wish I could say the same for the stinking turd that closes the album. "After Dark" is one of the worst songs of Kylie's entire career. Cathy Dennis should have been forced to sit on her Ivor Novello award as punishment for unloading this dire shit on poor, unsuspecting Kylie. What a disappointing way to end an uneven but extremely enjoyable album. At least the Australian edition finished with the lovely "Slo Motion", which is a favourite of mine despite sounding a little too similar to "Loving Days".
Half the problem with "Body Language" is knowing how different it could have been. Pascal Gabriel's "I'm Sorry" was an unexpected return to the introspectiveness of the Deconstruction era, while "Trippin' Me Up" is the dance anthem that "Body Language" was crying out for. When you throw "I'm Just Here For The Music" (recently raped by Paula Abdul), the trashtastic "My Image Unlimited" and the super catchy "On The Up" into the mix - you have the ingredients for one hell of a pop album. That's not even mentioning "BPM" and "Boombox", which were both originally recorded for "Body Language". However, even if I could wave my magic wand and completely overhaul the album, I don't think I would. Perhaps I'd ditch some of the tracks that needlessly pander to the American market (those decisions were clearly more corporate than artistic) but on the whole I'd leave it alone. Kylie has recorded enough killer dance-pop tunes for ten divas. Another dozen would have been nice but I'd miss the kooky shit on "Body Language". I respect that Kylie tried something different. A few of the risks came off and a lot of them didn't but that's what makes the album so frustrating and so fascinating.
You'd think ruining the Pet Shop Boys' career would have been enough for Xenomania but, if media reports are accurate, they are now looking to drag Kylie into their two man flop machine. Honestly, the thought of Brian and Miranda producing the majority of Kylie's next album makes my blood run cold. Isn't the hideousness of "Giving You Up" warning enough that Kylie shouldn't be allowed within 10 Kilometres of Xenomania? It's by far the worst single of her 20 year career - and she wants to make half the album with them? Someone please call Susan Powter because we need to STOP THE INSANITY!
I agree that Kylie's next offering needs a more cohesive sound. "X" is my second favourite Parlophone album after "Light Years" but it did suffer from too many cooks in the kitchen. Hiring one or two producers is a great idea but Xenomania isn't the answer. Kylie needs to push her boundaries and keep trying new things, while everything that Brian Higgins touches has that same boring old sound. I'll gladly put up with the occasional "Nu-Di-Ty" for the pristine pop of "The One", "In My Arms" and "2 Hearts". Xenomania is a spent force. Working with them would be two huge steps back. Artistic merit aside, it would also be commercial suicide. Their sound is so English. Exactly how many hits have the ugly trolls from Girls Aloud scored outside the UK? I think you'll find the answer is 0. Has poor Kylie finally given up on international chart success in order to score a few cheap hits in Britain?
If the Xenomania revelation wasn't bad enough, the same sources state that Kylie will work on the other half of the album with Nerina Pallot. Seriously, was Lisa Scott Lee busy? I'm lost for words. I quite liked the flop diva's last album (particularly her cover of "Confide In Me") but I sure as hell don't want Kylie to emulate her sound. Kylie has made such edgy choices in the past, working with the likes of Emiliana Torrini and Kish Mauve. Why is she bothering with this middle of the road has-been? While I run to church and pray that this is all a big hoax, check out Nerina's only "hit" (below). Can't you just imagine this as a Kylie anthem? No, me neither.
I'm a bottle of Sweet Darling away from being a fully paid up member of Al Kylieda. The pint sized diva could queef her way through the Delta Goodrem songbook and I'd still probably give it a positive write up. That gives you some indication of how much I hated "Sensitized" to only give it 1/10 when I reviewed "X" way back in November 2007. In fact, I believe I even coined the phrase "Senshitized"! Everything about the track just rubs me the wrong way. To my ears it's a shoddy rehash of the vastly superior "Cowboy Style" with an incredibly fucking annoying sample plastered over the top. If the song was written by anyone other than Cathy Dennis, I'm sure it would be currently gathering dust on the studio shelf next to "Sexual Gold" and "Acid Min".
"Sensitized" isn't the only Kylie connection on Christophe's album - Guy Chambers and Steve Anderson both contribute tracks. Unfortunately, there are no plans to release the song or the album outside the French speaking world, so I guess we'll all just have to import it. I ordered my copy from Amazon.
It's official. Hell has finally frozen over. Yes, pop fans - Kylie has announced her first American tour! The better late than never extravaganza will take in 5 American cities with one Canadian date thrown in for good measure. I'm so excited for Kylie's long suffering American fans. Apparently, all 23 of them have thrown a street party to celebrate. I actually think this will be a pretty hot ticket. Kylie is the ultimate live performer and I'm sure gays across the United States will make the pilgrimage to see her.
The set list should be very interesting. Kylie doesn't exactly have a lot of American hits to choose from, so I'm guessing she'll sing a lot of songs from her stunning #139 US monster hit "X". Watch the roof explode when Kylie belts out her massive radio smash "All I See"! I just hope she performs "It's No Secret", a top 40 hit for Kylie in America way back in 1988. The song is one of my all time favourites and it would be amazing to hear her sing it live. The fabulous video (below) is a true cinematic masterpiece. It was probably the last time we heard Kylie's real Australian accent and her acting skills are right up there with Meryl Streep's!
In all seriousness, nobody puts on a show like Kylie. Even if it's a scaled down version of X2008 it will still be light years ahead of the competition and I'd do just about anything to be there.
The Minogue sisters bring high fashion to Sound Relief
Sound Relief was a noble idea and raised A LOT of money for victims of the Victorian bushfires but did it really have to be so fucking boring? The only real highlight (well, apart from Olivia Newton-John teaming up with Barry Gibb for a lovely cover of "Islands In The Stream") was Kylie's homecoming for the Melbourne concert. For a while there it looked like the pint-sized diva wouldn't be able to make it, which would have been an absolute PR nightmare. Worse still, the organisers would have been forced to employ Dannii and there's no way she could have handled all that work! Not that Kylie actually performed as such. Rather, she signed on for hosting duties and did a pretty good job of keeping the crowd awake despite the mind numbing boredom and torrential rain. My favourite moment was her impromptu rendition of our unofficial national anthem - Peter Allen's "I Still Call Australia Home". I really, really hate that song but it was great to see Kylie just sing into a microphone without the distraction of backing dancers or an elaborate costume. She sounded great but those flood lights did not do her (or anyone else) any favours. Poor Kylie looked like an extra from Underworld 3: Rise Of The Lycans! Love the jacket though. Check out Kylie's patriotic performance below.
I have spent more than my fair share of time trawling the internet for pop news over the past few years and I'm constantly amused and entertained by the loopy fans I come across each and every day. Interacting with these delicate creatures can be confronting if you don't know what to expect, so I've put together a beginner's guide for newcomers. Here are my cheat notes for fruitful interaction with ten of the most bewildering and unique species of fan currently inhabiting cyberspace (in order of their level of delusion).
10. Mariah's Lambs
The first group of dedicated fans to be dragged under the Pop Trash microscope belong to Mariah. Their nickname originates from Mimi's habit of referring to friends, family and her small army of pharmacists as "lambs" - a label her fans now use as a badge of honour. These critters tend to be as warm and lovely as their animal namesake. Like Mariah, I suspect most Lambs are too high on Vicodin to chat about more than fairies and rainbows. Other happy topics include Mariah's record 18 US #1 hits and her titanic albums sales.
Delusion Factor: Moderate. According to The Lambs, Mariah was robbed of an Oscar for her work in "Glitter" and her albums never flop. They're just really HUGE in Japan.
Warning: Any mention Tommy Motola of Jennifer Lopez tends to throw these otherwise peaceful beings completely over the edge. They will start to cry and begin reciting chart statistics from the 90s, so tread carefully!
9. Toy Soldiers
As a loud and proud Toy Soldier, it's hard to be objective about this delightful species. Outsiders might have a completely different perspective but I find La Toya's long suffering fans to be both down to earth and downright hilarious. Our holy icon has never had a hit single in her 30 year career, so we're extra careful about throwing stones in our lovely glass house. Instead of bitching about other divas, we concentrate on loftier pursuits like making stunning fan art (above) and tracking down Toy collectibles from her major markets like Uganda and Romania.
Delusion Factor: Medium. Even the most ardent Toy Soldier is realistic about La Toya's shortcomings but we're still waiting with baited breath for her comeback album - 7 long years later.
Warning: Any mention of La Toya's much less talented sister Janet is like feeding red cordial to a child with ADHD. Avoid at all costs or face the consequences!
Leona has never, ever copied Mariah!
8. Leona's Loons
A relatively new but disturbing blight on internet fandom is the emergence of Leona's Loons. It's hard to imagine such a useless waste of space could actually warrant a fanbase but Leona's nausea inducing mediocrity is apparently some kind of inaudible siren's call to the mentally unbalanced. Popular activities include importing international editions of "Spirit" and bashing Alexandra Burke. Although it's hard to blame them for the second activity.
Delusion Factor: High. Leona's Loons deny all comparisons with Mariah, claim their horse faced leader has a better voice than any other diva in existence and rebuke insinuations that Simon Cowell played any role in their idol's success.
Warning: Excessive exposure to this bunch is enough to drive anyone to drink.
7. The Brit Bots
The average Brit Bot is a harmless homosexual with a soft spot for washing down a bag of Cheetos with a super-sized Diet Coke. While fairly innocuous as individuals, the Brit Bots are almost unbearably annoying when they come together as a collective. The level of denial on display would throw Dr Phil into a coma. The Bots steadfastly refuse to see Britney as anything other than a perennial victim of circumstance. The paparazzi are blamed for making her fat, crazy and constantly pregnant. At least they're usually too busy discussing Britney's brand of anti-depressants to bother other fan groups.
Delusion Factor: High. According to the Bots - Britney never mimes, she just sings over a backing track! Her photos are never airbrushed and she's still a great role model for girls.
Warning: Christina Aguilera fans are not exactly welcomed with open arms. You've been warned!
Janet - The picture of class and dignity
6. Janatics/Janazis
Janatics are the Tasmanian Tigers of the internet. After three flop albums, Janet's fans are a dying breed. Unfortunately, the leftovers tend to be humourless Jackson obsessives in their twilight years or truly deluded individuals who claim "Discipline" was a worldwide smash hit. Both groups are dull but generally inoffensive, unlike the nasty sub-species of Janet fandom known as the Janazis. These charmers spend their days sowing voodoo dolls in JT's image and get their kicks spamming other Jackson fansites.
Delusion Factor: Sky high. Common cries include - Janet is still at the top of her game. Her last 3 albums were all massive and if they weren't, then it's Jermaine Dupri's fault for giving all the best songs to Mariah. Janet is not and has never been fat. She's never had lipo or any other plastic surgery. Her songs are completely age appropriate and Nipple-gate was all Justin Timberlake's fault.
Warning: Prolonged exposure to this crowd can result in a complete break with reality. A general Jackson fansite is a better option for level headed Janet fans.
5. Al Kylieda
I don't know what happened to Kylie fans. We were such a fun, tight-knit bunch before "Fever" exploded and the dregs of society started flooding into Kylie fan sites across the internet. Appreciating the performer and her music has been replaced by constant bitching and an overwhelming sense of negativity. To combat this dire situation, many formerly balanced fans have become overly militant, resulting in the formation of Al Kylieda. These diehards live in a bubble (ie. Kylie.com) where any kind of criticism is completely taboo. As far as Al Kylieda is concerned, the elder Minogue farts liquid gold and rides a pink unicorn to and from the studio each day.
Delusion Factor: Extreme. Members of Al Kylieda have been known to throw themselves in front of Kylie's limo to get autographs (I think she should just keep driving) and spend hours comparing their Kylie tattoos. Strangely, none of them seem to believe in actually paying money for their idol's music.
Warning: If you want to sharpen your bitch claws, head over to your nearest Kylie fansite and start spewing bile. You'll never be lonely.
4. GA-yers
GA-yers, or cunts as I like to call them, are the sorry souls who worship at the altar of Girls Aloud. This sad species can be divided into two separate groups. The first is mainly comprised of teenage gays who simply don't know any better. They pollute forums across the internet with text speak conversations like:
The second group is far more insidious. Comprised mainly of aging homosexuals desperate to jump on any kind of pop bandwagon, this sub-species tries to justify their disingenuous actions by hailing Girls Aloud as the saviours of pop and throw around terms like "cutting edge innovators". I blame Pop Justice.
Delusion Factor: Frightening. Anyone who thinks these 5 slappers are anything but puppets of a once great production house needs medical attention.
Warning: GA-yers are becoming increasing unavoidable. I find posting this link tends to throw them off your scent.
Still the girl next door... to the plastic surgeon
3. Brainless Breltas (from the Cult of Dulta)
A Brelta is a highly disturbed individual who pledges allegiance not only to Dulta but also to her equally vile fiance, Brian McFadden. These poor creatures live in a world where your worth is judged by the number of photos you have with Dulta and how many copies of "Innocent Eyes" you own. Multiple purchases of each new release are not only looked upon favourably but expected. Outsiders are generally treated with complete mistrust and any criticism of Dulta or her porky Irishman will result in an instant fight.
Delusion Factor: Through the roof. A group of fans once got together to record a rendition of "Wind Beneath My Wings" for Dulta. Enough said.
Warning: Kerry Katona fans need not apply.
Madonna - a natural beauty according to her trolls
2. Madonna Trolls
Madonna Trolls are the great travellers of the internet. While most crazy fans are happy to remain among their own kind, Madge worshippers take great delight in rounding up new recruits and spend most of their time causing trouble on websites and forums dedicated to other divas. Interestingly, American Madonna trolls hold a special grudge against Mariah, while their English counterparts tend to focus their attention on Kylie. Camouflaged trolls can be distinguished by the speed with which they say "Madonna did it first".
Delusion Factor: Massive. They steadfastly believe that Madonna is the only diva capable of an original thought and deny all claims of plastic surgery. One Troll memorably put her new cheekbones down to pilates.
Warning: The Trolls have low standards. Anyone capable of listening to "Hard Candy" more than once will probably have a ball with them.
1. Dannii Droids
And the award for the most deluded fanbase on the internet goes to the Dannii Droids. The younger, more talented Minogue is clearly a diva worthy of some serious worship but the Dannii Board (the home of The Droids) is an alternate universe unto itself. This is a place where Dannii's next single is always a sure fire #1 hit and Nafensays is looked upon as a holy deity for drip feeding the occasional piece of useless information. I'm constantly amazed that such a lovely diva can appeal to so many deranged individuals.
Delusion Factor: Nuclear. Favourite conspiracy theories - Kylie has been sabotaging Dannii's career from the start. Kylie got cancer to ruin Dannii's career. Kylie returned from having cancer to ruin Dannii's career. Dannii is a bigger star than Madonna in Australia because Dannii's biggest flop charted higher than Madonna's biggest flop. For a full expose on the Droids, check out Jay's riveting post on Postcards From Puerto Rico.
Warning: If you have a shred of independent thought, steer well clear of the Droids and their playground for the mentally ill.
Kylie B-sides rank alongside sex and chocolate as one of life's great pleasures. In fact, they are probably the best of the lot. Listening to "Made Of Glass" on repeat won't make you fat or give you crabs. So what makes these rejects so intoxicating? Well, as any fan will tell you, many of Kylie's best songs have routinely (and quite inexplicably) missed the cut over the years. It's not uncommon for the B-side to be superior to the actual single. I gave up trying to understand the phenomenon long ago and just accept it now as a quirk of Kylie fandom. The other interesting thing about B-sides is the fascinating insight they provide into the evolution of an album. At least they did before we were drip fed every minor detail via the internet. The "Light Years" B-sides, for example, are mostly organic guitar driven songs - light years (excuse the bad pun) away from the album's upbeat disco-pop sound, while the "Body Language" B-sides show traces of a dance album that never eventuated. The situation would be unbearably frustrating if Kylie wasn't so generous with her bonus material. I count approximately 40 B-sides, not including leaked songs, bonus tracks or side projects. Here are my top twenty:
1. Ocean Blue (2000)
Making my mark on tomorrow, doing nothin' today
The amazing B-side to "On A Night Like This" has been one of my favourite songs since the first time I heard it and only seems to get more beautiful with each passing year. Written by Kylie and Steve Anderson, "Ocean Blue" is probably the most pared back track of Kylie's career. It's just her, a guitar and some strings toward the end. The result, however, is unexpectedly magical. I love Kylie's voice on this and the lyrics really touch a nerve with me. I've always interpreted it as a kind of mantra to chill out and live for the moment but it could just as easily be a straightforward love song or an ode to water sports. Ok, probably not the latter but whatever the case may be, "Ocean Blue" is exquisite and shows a very different side of Kylie.
2. Made In Heaven (1988)
When it calls me is it just like music and lights Or is that just a fairytale?
"Made In Heaven" was apparently going to be a double A-side with "Je Ne Sais Pas Pourquoi" but was relegated to B-side status at the last minute. An unfortunate decision given that "Made In Heaven" is arguably one of the best songs Stock/Aitken/Waterman ever wrote. The sense of wide-eyed innocence and wonderment captured on this track is palpable and the production is suitably joyous and sweet. SAW were notoriously stingy with B-sides, which makes this all the more special. The remix (which was amusingly re-titled "Maid In England", "Maid In Australia" and "Maid In Sweden" depending on the release territory - despite the fact that they are all exactly the same!) is also a fabulous 80s treat. Check out the amazingly cheap video clip below. What the hell is going on with Kylie's hair?!
3. Tightrope (2002)
These days I find, you're always on my mind
My friends are going to be pretty shocked to see "Tightrope" only come in at number three given the fact that I usually list it as my all time favourite Kylie track. Written by Pascal Gabriel, "Tightrope" is one of the most majestic pop songs of the decade. It's wistful, melancholic tone sets it apart from just about everything else in Kylie's amazing back catalogue. The reason for its relatively low placing on this countdown is the subtle but obvious difference between the version that features on the Australian edition of "Fever" and the inferior mix used as the B-side to "In Your Eyes". Given that I'm ranking B-sides, I have to focus on the latter. I don't think an explanation was ever given for the changes but they were definitely not an improvement. Some interesting production flourishes were lost and the backing vocals are much less prominent, robbing the song of it's unique gospel-pop sound. Nevertheless, this is still a magnificent track. It's just a shame someone decided to fuck with perfection. Fingers crossed that Kylie works with Pascal again in the future.
4. Glad To Be Alive (1987)
Life's so hard some days You need something new to wear Like a brand new hat
To paraphrase an earlier post, Kylie's output with Stock/Aitken/Waterman is rightly appreciated by pop fans around the globe but the Australian version of "Locomotion" and its fabulous B-side have been all but forgotten. It's a shame because the original 1987 "Locomotion" is superior to the hit factory produced "The Loco-Motion" and "Glad To Be Alive" remains one of my favourite Kylie songs to this very day. Written and produced by two members of Australian new wave band Kids In The Kitchen (another act signed to Mushroom at the time), the track is utterly joyful despite the dodgy lyrics about buying new headwear. It also offers an intriguing clue as to what Kylie's debut album would have sounded like if she hadn't jumped on that plane to England.
5. Love Takes Over Me (1998)
How did I fall prey to this?
I was floored the first time I heard "Love Takes Over Me". I couldn't understand why it wasn't the lead single from "Impossible Princess", let alone fathom how it could have been left off the album entirely. The B-side to "Cowboy Style" positively bubbles with urgency and foreboding. Kylie has never sounded so dark, sinister and irresistibly sexy - before or since. I particularly love the production on this, the electronic sound effects and intricate layering are dazzling. "Love Takes Over Me" still sounds as fresh and original as it did 11 years ago.
6. Good Like That (2002)
So take a chance and love me fast I give you all, all that I have
The "Fever" era produced some of Kylie's best B-sides and "Good Like That" has always been one of my absolute favourites. This is a pure pop delight with an instantly catchy chorus and memorably sweet, if not particularly deep, lyrics. The track is also notable for being Kylie's first collaboration with producer Cutfather, one half of the Danish duo behind "Like A Drug" and "All I See" on "X". As much as I love the song, it's hard to argue that it actually belonged on "Fever". The American pop sound would have been jarring among the more synth heavy tracks but it doesn't change the fact that "Good Like That" is as cute as a button.
7. We Know The Meaning Of Love (1990)
This is the perfect example of a B-side compensating for a relatively shit single. "Tears On My Pillow" has never been one of my favourite Kylie songs but I absolutely adore "We Know The Meaning Of Love". It's a fairly standard Stock/Aitken/Waterman produced ode to young love but the song lacks the cynicism that mars some of their lazier moments and the upbeat production nicely juxtaposes the bittersweet lyrics. Many fans insist that "We Know The Meaning Of Love" was a #1 hit in Sweden but I'm yet to see any proof, so I'll put that down to urban legend. The song's phantom Swedish chart success aside, this would have made a lovely contribution to "Enjoy Yourself". Particularly to the ballad heavy second half. Check out a wonderful fan video for the extended version below. It's great to see all that old footage!
8. Never Spoken (2002)
Those three little words Were they ready to be heard?
Another Collaboration between Kylie and Steve Anderson, "Never Spoken" is one of the four fantastic B-sides to emerge from the various releases of "In Your Eyes". This breezy slice of guitar pop isn't quite as majestic as "Tightrope" or as instantly catchy as "Good Like That" but I find myself coming back to it again and again. I love songs that capture an every day experience or emotion - like a brain fart that results in you telling someone you love them after a week. Not that I'm talking from experience anything. "Never Spoken" reminds me of a more upbeat version of "Ocean Blue" and I've often wondered if it evolved from those sessions. The track doesn't really fit the "Fever" sound at all, which might be why it stands out as such a fan favourite.
9. Soul On Fire (2003)
Forget all that I said Can't we go back to bed?
I still remember how excited I was when I first got hold of "Slow". That stunning electro jam pushed all my buttons and the B-sides ("Soul On Fire" and "Sweet Music") promised even better things from the album. Talk about false advertising. While "Body Language" didn't quite live up to my expectations, my love for "Soul On Fire" has only deepened over time. Written by Kylie, Dan Carey and alternative pop princess Emiliana Torrini (the exact same team behind "Slow"), this seductive little number is an unexpected gem. Everything about the track is subtle and understated, from the beats to the chorus. "Soul On Fire" would have sounded amazing next to "Someday" or "Loving Days" but was cut in favour of trash like "After Dark". Go figure.
10. Carried Away (2008)
The heat of the dancefloor's just too sexy
The fabulous "X" B-sides have been conspicuously absent from my countdown thus far but I've tried to give extra to wait to songs that have already stood the test of time. "Wow" is generally considered to have delivered the best B-Sides since "In Your Eyes" with the tasty trio of "Do It Again", "Carried Away" and "Cherry Bomb". I'm fond of all three but the former is a little too Eurovision for my liking, while the latter suffers from Bloodshy & Avant's amazing ability to overproduce. "Carried Away", on the other hand, is a perfect example of what Kylie does better than any other diva - sing bright, shiny pop songs about having fun at the disco. Greg Kurstin's production is pure Eurodance, making this the closest Kylie will probably ever come to sounding like Kelly Llorenna. Which I consider to be a very good thing.
11. All I Wanna Do Is Make You Mine (1988)
I all really wanna do is make you so, so happy All I wanna do is make you smile
As much as I love giving "Especially For You" the occasional spin, I've always preferred the B-side. "All I Wanna Do Is Make You Mine" is a rambling epic that borrows strongly from (ie. blatantly rips off) "You're The One That I Want". Little more than a demo, this cute duet with Jason Donovan sounds strangely underdone but it never fails to lift my spirits. Stock/Aitken/Waterman definitely had a patent on slightly inane but utterly joyous pop music.
12. Paper Dolls (2000)
There's nothing more I can do Than fall a little more in love with you
"Paper Dolls" is one of the most romantic songs Kylie has ever recorded. The lyrics are gorgeous and Kylie's voice has rarely sounded so beautiful and delicate. This lovely gem was the B-side to "Spinning Around" way back in 2000 and has held up considerably better than its iconic stablemate. Yet another Steven Anderson collaboration, I think "Paper Dolls" had the potential to be a hit - it would have sounded brilliant on radio - but it just didn't fit on "Light Years". Writing about (and listening to) all these stunning tracks, I can't help but hope someone puts together a "Hits+" type compilation for the Parlophone era. These songs deserve better.
13. B.P.M. (2004)
I wanna lose myself in your beats per minute
Everything I said about "Carried Away" equally applies to "B.P.M." - well, apart from the whole Kelly Llorenna thing. This is Kylie by numbers: A fun song with a great chorus that makes you want to move your feet. Written by Kylie, Richard Stanning and Julian Gallagher, "B.P.M." came to life during the "Body Language" sessions before finally appearing as the B-side to "I Believe In You". This would have brightened up "Body Language" no end but I guess it was too catchy and upbeat for that album. Interestingly, the song has already been covered - twice! Swedish diva Dani Evermore had some chart success with her lovely version in Poland, while according to the jokers at Wikipedia 70s folk icon Janis Ian apparently covered it in 2005! I'll believe that when I hear it.
14. Just Wanna Love You (1989)
I could make you happy If you'd take a chance on me
The Stock/Aitken/Waterman produced B-side to "Hand On Your Heart" boasts what could be the worst vocal performance of Kylie's career. Her voice comes across as dull and lifeless, while the whole thing sounds like it could have been recorded on someone's answering machine. The lyrics aren't much better. I can't help but laugh every time I hear Kylie sing "there's nothing fatal in attraction, I'm just looking for some action". And yet, I always get a cheap thrill when this pops up on my Ipod. I'm a sucker for SAW Kylie and "Just Wanna Love You" really is quite fabulous in a so bad it's great kind of way.
15. Made Of Glass (2005)
It's like a million beats in a Parisian heart
After producing Kylie's worst ever single ("Giving You Up"), Xenomania redeemed themselves somewhat by coming up with this spectacular B-side. "Made Of Glass" is everything that "Giving You Up" wasn't - fresh, original and edgy. The largely nonsensical lyrics are undeniably pretty, while the spoken word verses counterbalance the subtle but effective chorus. From memory, this was only leaked when Rachel Stevens expressed interest in butchering it. Sneaky! "Made Of Glass" was actually released as a double A-side in Australia and this received the majority of radio airplay, becoming a top 10 hit.
16. Do You Dare? (New Rave Mix) (1992)
Do you dare? Cause if you do I'll take you there
I used to think this was the coolest song ever released back in the 90s. Listening to it now, the trashtastic B-side to "Give Me Just A Little More Time" is little more than Kylie screaming the song's title over some incredibly dated beats - courtesy of Mike Stock and Pete Waterman. It doesn't matter, I still love every second of it. Put this on, grab some glowsticks and party like it's 1992!
17. If You Don't Love Me (1994)
You can tell me anything, I'll believe you
The most famous "Confide In Me" B-side is unquestionably Kylie's version of St. Etienne's "Nothing Can Stop Us" but I've always found that fan favourite strangely underwhelming. I much prefer the other B-side, Kylie's acoustic cover of Prefab Sprout's 1992 single "If You Don't Love Me". I would have loved to hear an electronic version along the lines of the original but the song sounds amazing stripped back to basics. Kylie's voice is gorgeous on this, those high notes still give me goosebumps. It's relatively low ranking is only due to the fact that the song reminds me so strongly of the superior "Hits+" track "Stay This Way".
18. King Or Queen (2007)
Dancefloor royalty, that's what you are to me I salute you!
Kylie, Karen Poole and Greg Kurstin apparently brainstormed "King Or Queen" in Ibiza and you can almost smell the Sangria and sweaty Spanish nightclubs. Another tale of disco shenanigans along the lines of "Carried Away" and "B.P.M.", the "2 Hearts" B-side stands out thanks to the overtly camp lyrics and the fabulous spoken interlude. I think this would have made a nice addition to "X" but it's not as glaring an omission as "Rippin' Up The Disco" or "Lose Control". Nevertheless, this is great fun and sorely underrated among Kylie fans.
19. Say The Word - I'll Be There (1991)
If you're deep in the jungle boy caught in a winter storm kidnapped by anyone I'll set you free
No this isn't a cover of the Jackson 5 classic but a bad lyric (see above) filled epic written by Kylie and two thirds of Stock/Aitken/Waterman. Objectively, I know the "Word Is Out" B-side is sentimental crap without a redeeming feature but I've always found its shortcomings hugely appealing. Maybe it's the trash lover in me but I've played "Say The Word - I'll Be There" more times over the years than I care to admit. At the very least this should hold some interest to fans due to it being so different from everything else recorded in the "Let's Get To It" era. Don't judge me!
20. Cherry Bomb (2008)
The more I think of you, the more I melt like ice cream
I mentioned earlier that I'm not a huge fan of Bloodshy & Avant's heavily produced sound but "Cherry Bomb" is superior to their other "X" contributions and the song continues to grow on me with every listen. It's hypnotic, edgy and sexy - in a robotic kind of way. The sound is very now but I wonder how it will hold up in ten years time. In the meantime I plan to play this jam. A lot.
Worst B-Sides:
I've listed my 20 favourite Kylie B-sides. Here are 5 stinkers to avoid at all costs.
1. Love At First Sight (Live) (2004)
Utterly pointless.
2. Almost A Lover (2004)
Possibly the single most vile thing Kylie has ever recorded - after "You Make Me Feel".
Today is quite possibly the most important date in the history of popular music. My favourite Japanese diva - the heavenly Ami Suzuki - has just leaked a thirty second preview of her long awaited version of Kylie's "Can't Get You Out Of My Head" AND finally confirmed her first Australian tour (of Queensland nightclubs). I don't know where to start! I'm literally lost for words after hearing Ami's stunning cover, so I guess I'll begin with her tour. First and foremost - why is this living legend confining herself to the Sunshine State? Ami's tens of fans would fill venues right across Australia. I know my local Sushi Train would be packed to the rafters! It's frustrating but I won't let 730 measly kilometres come between me and the pride of Japan. The prospect of hearing the Queen of Avex mime to a bunch of her top 35 smash "hits" is just too tempting. Queensland, here I come! At the moment the diva's Australian tour consists of the following dates:
