Heidi Montag's Pop Masterpiece

In breaking news Madonna just ripped out her chicken cutlets and bought a time share in Florida. Reports also confirm that Kylie has just accepted a job as Dannii's new nanny, while Beyoncé is currently on the phone to Solange getting emergency counselling on how it feels to be a nobody. In yet another shocking development, music lovers are mourning the news that La Toya won't be startin' over for at least another 9 years. What could possibly spook pop's leading ladies to such a devastating extent? The answer, my friends, is an album so magnificent it makes "Thriller" sound like "3 Words". From the moment Heidi Montag unleashed her stunning debut single upon the world, it was immediately apparent that pop music had a new saviour. The reality TV superstar followed that anthem with gem after gem but nothing can prepare you for the genius of "Superficial". Heidi's much delayed debut album raises the bar to such an extent that it automatically makes every other diva in the business redundant. Never before has one reed thin voice belted out so many unforgettable anthems about topical issues like clubbing, shopping and looking hot. Heidi's music will not only make you dance - it will widen the horizons of your mind and help put you on the path to righteousness. Here is my track by track review of 2010's first masterpiece:

Look How I'm Doing

I showed you a kiss that they do in France

Like many of the amazing anthems on "Superficial", the opening number isn't exactly new. In fact, slightly different versions previously appeared on both "Wherever I Am" and "Here She Is" - the two EPs Ms Montag released in 2009. I totally understand why "Look How I'm Doing" has been recycled more often than your average Stargate beat. The Cathy Dennis penned, Steve Morales produced track is one of the album's catchiest tunes. I love the chorus, vocal hooks ("ha ha ha ha") and insightful lyrics about looking sexy. Heidi's breathy voice effortlessly floats above the urban dance beats like an angel in heaven making this a memorable opener.

Turn Ya Head

If you're hungry for pleasure, I'll serve you a measure

Heidi's attempt to revolutionise urban pop as we know it also appeared on both her previous EPs. I'm slightly disappointed that "Turn Ya Head" made the cut while vastly superior tracks like "Overdosin", "Fashion" and "Body Language" were left off. There's nothing wrong with the song itself. It just sounds like an outtake from Britney's "Blackout" album - only with better vocals and classier lyrics. However, a major talent like Heidi deserves more challenging material. I think Cathy Dennis was taking the piss on this one.

Fanatic

Boy, you got me checking that I've got a temperature

Apparently this is going to be the album's second single. I was worried when I read that the producer's previous credits include Z grade losers like Anastacia and Delta Goodrem but "Fanatic" is something of a surprise packet. It's a funktastic mid-tempo pop tune drenched in 80s influences - particularly vintage Prince. That could be the reason it reminds me of Kylie's "Still Standing" so strongly. The song works and I like that Heidi has found the time to experiment with her sound between plastic surgeries but it's not really single material. There are better tracks on the album and the level of autotune on "Fanatic" should come with a safety warning.

Superficial

They say I'm superficial, some call me a bitch
They're just mad 'cause I'm sexy, famous and I'm rich

The album's title track and lead single is a stunning indictment of popular culture and the value judgements made against innocent publicity whores like Heidi. Just because the diva underwent 10 plastic surgeries in one day doesn't make her superficial. It just reflects favourably on her time management skills! Think of this stinging swipe at Heidi's critics as her personal theme song. Furthermore, classy lyrics like "hoppin' out the Maserati, all I see is paparazzi" ensure the track's status as a future trash classic.

More Is More

It's fucking chaos in here

"More Is More" is generally regarded as Heidi's most commercial track, which is reflected by the fact that it is her only hit - reaching a lofty #27 on the US dance chart. Steve Morales really knows how to bring the best out of The Hills icon. She tears up the vocal and injects some real passion into the song. I guess getting wasted in a club is an issue close to Heidi's heart. All jokes aside, "More Is More" would have been a huge hit for anyone else and just proves that evil haters are conspiring to ruin the diva's music career. Have strength, Heidi!

One More Drink

I'm getting lost in this liquid high,
I'm elevated to some new heights

Beer goggles don't get a lot of recognition in popular music but this stunning ode to intoxication rigorously explores the benefits of hooking up while pissed. Legislation should be introduced requiring this song be blasted out of every bar and club on a Saturday night. Heidi is now the patron saint of drunk sex! Inspiring lyrics aside, I actually think "One More Drink" is a brilliant pop tune. The Runners are best known for producing rap acts like Rick Ross and Lil Wayne but unlike some of Heidi's collaborators (I'm talking to you, Cathy Dennis!), these guys have taken the brief seriously and come up with a slinky little anthem that gets stuck in your head and refuses to leave. Worth checking out for camp value alone.

Twisted

You won't let me leave, you want to strangle me

I wanted to strangle Heidi too by the end of "Twisted". It's a pretty standard bad boyfriend song produced by Sebastian Jacome (the man behind hits for A Listers like the Cheetah Girls and Mexican goddess Anahí) but my problem is the grating vocal. I usually love the pop visionary's voice but she sounds like she's choking on Spencer's cock on this one.

Hey Boy

Don't act like you're payin' my bills,
When you know your broke ass can't even pay attention

Sebastian returns with a similarly themed tune on "Hey Boy". Happily, this is a vastly better effort and wouldn't sound out of place on Ashlee Simpson's hugely underrated "Bittersweet World" album. The production is perky - the combination of rock and dance elements works well - and the lyrics have some much needed bite. A lot of haters have dismissed "Superficial" as sounding like the one song repeated twelve times but "Hey Boy" is an example of Heidi switching things up and exploring different genres. I still think her calling is synthpop but this isn't horrible by any means.

My Parade

The main attraction if you're lookin' for some action

Don't be put off by the song's opening verse, which sounds like yet another cheerleading anthem in the vein of Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl". "My Parade" swiftly transforms into a straightforward pop track and is ultimately a fine addition to Heidi's growing library of party anthems. The production (courtesy of Fingazz) is Danja-lite but that's a compliment of sorts. The heavy beats will get your feet moving and mercilessly take the attention away from the inane lyrics.

Blackout

I'm over the stories that we'll never make it,
When I think of losing you, baby I hate it

There isn't a lot more I can say about "Blackout". I already devoted a post to its brilliance and featured it in my best of 2009 countdown. I guess I'd just like to reiterate that this is the sound I think Heidi should be pursuing. Her voice tends to get swallowed by heavy beats, which rules out the vast majority of Britney/Robyn rip-offs she is given. The more subtle synthpop of "Overdosin'", "Body Language" and "Blackout" is where she comes into her own. In all seriousness, I'd love Kylie or Dannii to have a song this good on either of their next albums.

I'll Do It

I fuck to get attention,
I brought some treats,
I know that you're gonna love 'em
Eat my panties off of me

And the award for the best song of "Superficial" goes to "I'll Do It" in a landslide. Yet another Steve Morales production, this sleazy jam is absolutely outrageous. Heidi displays her formidable intellect by dissecting gender roles with probing lyrics like "I'll be your hot mess, school girl with curls - whatever you like, I'll do it". Apart from exploring sexual politics and popular culture's dark underbelly of misogyny, the song also boasts a wicked chorus and dizzying middle eight. I can't get enough of this filth.

Love It Or Leave It

I'm an important lady,
When I show up they pay me

Appropriately, the album ends with another fuck you to Heidi's critics. Unlike the title track, "Love It Or Leave It" actually has a bit of bite and works surprisingly well. The production and autotune overload smoothers her voice but this is the closest you're going to get to the real Heidi. All in all, "Superficial" is a remarkably enjoyable collection of pop tunes that deserved to sell more than a mere 658 copies in its first week! Chalk this up as 2010's first great album.

Rating - 10/10

"I'll Do It" - my favourite track on "Superficial"

Pop Panel - Week 16

A lot of people are going to think the Panel has well and truly jumped the shark this week but I prefer to think of it as quality finally winning out over mediocrity. The latest champ is clearly our classiest Single Of The Week yet. It's good to see true talent and artistry finally being rewarded! Unfortunately, I can't say much about the rest of the entries. I think there are a couple of worthy tunes but it's fair to say the pickings were fairly slim - particularly after last week's bumper crop of pop gems. It seems the only thing we could all agree on is the fact that the majority of the songs are pretty shit. This week's Panel is comprised of the following usual suspects:

D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog.
Paul (UK) writer of Fizzy Pop
Tommie (Sweden) writer of Donna Martin Graduates

Also joining us this week are:

Blake (Aus) writer of Dark Cafe Daze
Nasty G (Canada) writer of The Isle Of Deserted Pop Stars

Nasty G's blog remains the place to visit for rare and out of print guilty pleasures and has already graced us with his presence in the past. Blake, on the other hand, is a newcomer to the Panel. His quirky blog focuses on depressing singer-songwriters but he also has a passion for pure pop and works in the music industry. Maybe he can help get our winner a local record deal!

As usual, the results are ranked from lowest to highest.

BWO ft. Velvet - Right Here Right Now (Video)

Scandipop's cheesiest performers join forces on this collaboration.

Blake: A little too smooth for Eurovision, a little too shite for radio. I think I am a little too sober to appreciate the finery of this track. Give me a few hours and I might up the score. 2/5
D'Luv: Every time I jack off into the sink, it starts off decent enough, but ultimately ends in a lackluster climax that never really reaches its full potential. That's how I feel about BWO. 3/5
Mike: Like every other single BWO has ever released, this is complete and utter shit. Poor Velvet, she's not only hit the bottom of the barrel but crashed right through it. 0/5
Nasty G: OK, so I may have to surrender my gay card, but I have tried in vain to get into this group (and their truly abysmal precursor Vacuum *shudders*). THIS is the phoenix that arose from the flagrant flames of Army Of Lovers? They're like Alcazar without the primordial pussy. Oh wait, I'm wrong, Velvet is in this too. Barely. Left there left later. 2/5
Paul: Love, love, love BWO. One of the best pop groups of the past 5 years, up there with McFly and Girls Aloud (and Same Difference). The addition of Velvet and a gentle remix probably makes it more radio friendly for the UK than the album version and it doesn't lose any of the charm. Brillo. 4/5
Tommie: Oh look - Sweden's most dire group returns to flop yet again and this time they're taking Velvet down with them! I'm sure Alexander Bard will continue to lie his ass off in Swedish media about how big they are in the UK when they get their third #69 "hit". 0/5
Total: 11/30

The Saturdays - Forever Is Over (Video)

The Saturdays unveil the lead single from their second album.

Blake: I've heard a lot about these lasses without ever being compelled to listen to them. This track doesn't really change that, but their voices are strong and chorus suitably climatic. I wish it made my brain explode just a tiny bit more though. I also can't quite shake the feeling it is an inferior "When Love Takes Over". 3/5
D'Luv: Lametards shot glitter out of their panties over Jordin Sparks' "Battlefield" when they should have saved the enthusiasm for this dark jam. Forever has only just begun for these five broads! 4/5
Mike: Did Nasty G just imply that Girls Aloud have charisma? Computer says hell no! As for The Saturdays - when did they become so... dull and boring? This makes their stripper anthem "Work" sound like a Grammy award winning masterpiece. 0/5
Nasty G: Hooray, they're back! Um, when did they go away exactly? Nice enough tune, though somewhat reminiscent of something Jordin Sparks would reject, on account of her apparent aversion to shaking her fat ass. But I do fancy these jailbait-Girls-Aloud-minus-charisma. 3/5
Paul: I am so beyond disappointed with this single. It's not even that it's bad, it's just what has been threatening the Sats career from day one - a distinct lack of definition and personality. Part "Battlefield", part Anastacia, wholly disappointing. And I absolutely did and still do want to love this but to use the vastly over used saying, epic fail all round 1.5/5
Tommie: The ShaTURDays are back with a Kelly Clarkson reject! Yawn. I guess they are better than Girls'R'Foul though. 1/5
Total: 12.5/30

Linda Teodosiu - Reprogram My Heart (Video)

This popular German diva has obviously been listening to "The Fame". A lot.

Blake: Fighting the urge to comment on that hideous purple hat, I'll instead just make mention that this track doesn't really... go anywhere. I do respect her sassy head movements in the clip, though. 1/5
D'Luv: There's only one reason Linda should be opening her mouth. And it ain't singing. 0/5
Mike: Poor Linda looks like she's been styled by a blind tranny with a passion for shopping at Supre but this Lady GaGa rip off is irritatingly catchy. More cheap and cheerful trash of this "calibre" and Linda could have a new australian fan. 3.5/5
Nasty G: In terms of German singers, Sarah Connor has her beat by a nose. Literally. Though it's fun pop, the title should be "Reprogram My Song", as we've heard this before, even from the handsome Ms. Connor. But compared to the rest of the drivel in this week's panel, this is a standout, much like Sarah Connor's proboscis. 3.5/5
Paul: God, I want to give her zero just for ripping off Lady Cuckoo. It's clearly the personality and annoyingness of the Cuckoo that puts me off "The Fame" as I've come to accept "Evacuate The Dancefloor" and "Silly Boy". This really isn't any different but not any better, so it gets a middling 2.5/5.
Tommie: And here I was thinking Lady GaGa looked like a tranny! The song is alright, but there's about a thousand other similar songs out there today that do the job better. 2/5
Total: 12.5/30

LMFAO - La La La (Video)

This super classy American electro outfit have "scored" a Paradiso Girl to star in their clip. How A-list!

Blake: Eh? I'm not entirely sure if I am supposed to dig this or not. I'll go with not. 1/5
D'Luv: Yeah, I know these two are uncle and nephew, but they need to just boink already. This songs has been getting considerable airplay in L.A. for the past few months. It's just okay. 2.5/5
Mike: Since when is it ok for straight men to team a pink t-shirt with leopard skin print leggings? I know trannies who would draw the line at that ensemble! Americans usually get electro all wrong but this is fun. 3/5
Nasty G: So, I hated this group on sight but inexplicably downloaded their album anyway. Don't hate me when I say I dig it. It's cheap and easy, but then, so am I. More importantly, lovely Chelsea from the Paradiso Girls is in the vid. Sister gets around more than Clay Aiken in a public restroom. I am so glad that she lost the Pussycat Dolls gig, or otherwise she wouldn't be available to dance feebly in bad clothes and do little else in high class vids such as this! Take that, Asia! 3/5
Paul: Dreadful. 0/5
Tommie: I loathe the name "LMFAO" - in fact, I think internet abbreviations should be banned from pop music. Period. But there's no denying that this is an annoyingly catchy tune and I can overlook their crap name for this song at least. 3/5
Total: 12.5/30

Agent X ft. Mutya & Ultra - Falling (Above)

The only Sugababe (past or present) worth mentioning returns to put Amelle in check!

Blake: Sadly, it appears she is still floundering without Siobhan. I appreciated her track with Groove Armada (mainly because it taught me how to pronounce her name) but this is terribly pedestrian. She needs to drive a little more erratic. 1/5
D'Luv: Mutya hasn't been good since Groove Armada rode her hard and threw her in a dumpster. 0/5
Mike: The realest girl in UK pop is back - albeit with a strange garage anthem straight outta 1997. I hated this the first time I heard it but "Falling" is strangely hypnotic. Mutya is probably using her crazy voodoo powers on us. A grower not a shower. 4/5
Nasty G: Ugh. Is UK garage seriously making a comeback? Why didn't anyone tell Misteeq's Su-Elise? Surely she would have added SOMETHING to this song (and could use the work). It's hard to make mutty Mutya boring, but Agent X and their gay little sidekick Ultra have managed. Watch out Ms. M. More of this and Amelle is definitely my number one. 2.5/5
Paul: I'm still waiting for Mutya to hit the world with the massive pop career I know she can have. Teaming up on a generic club banger really isn't the way to go, although she still looks entirely fierce and still gives the impression she could rip off your head and shit down your neck soon as look at you. So I'll add a point on to avoid her wrath. 2/5
Tommie: The UK Queen of Real is back and better than ever! I love that she's paying homage to when the Sugashits were good by sampling "One Foot In". 4/5
Total: 13.5/30

Kristinia DeBarge - Sabotage (Video)

James DeBarge's ho daughter follows her US top 20 hit "Goodbye" with this slut jam.

Blake: Good voice - some great rich tones. I dig that. The piano backing to this track is quite nifty too and I like how it kicks into the chorus. She is no Jessica Mauboy, but it is solid. 3/5
D'Luv: Kristinia takes boring to whole new levels. Hopefully she at least gives somewhat exciting head. 2/5
Mike: Yawn. I don't mind this, it's just been done before (and a lot better) by Jessica Mauboy. Kristinia should cover "Rhythm Of The Night". She wishes she was one tenth as fierce as her father. 2/5
Nasty G: All of the right elements are here – blandly pretty girl, minimal vocal talent, weak dance beat, bad dance moves and Sam Fox's "Touch Me" -era wardrobe. So why am I unmoved? I think it's because I know that her auntie, the severely underrated Bunny, had the same qualifications but would have rocked this so much harder. Look out Toy, cause Bunny's ready for a comeback. Mark my words, bitches! 2.5/5
Paul: While I love a good ho as much as the next red blooded male, this doesn't really stoke my fires. In fact I'm grossly disappointed that she has failed to get a rise out of me with this tune. I'm obviously not as trashtastic as I once thought I was. 2/5
Tommie: Dear Whoever-Is-In-Charge, can we please stop pretending that Kristinia can
a) dance or b) play the piano? Otherwise a decent pop tune. 3/5
Total: 14.5/30

The Temper Trap - Sweet Disposition (Video)

Despite flopping with this in Australia last year, The Temper Trap are currently celebrating an unexpected UK top 40 hit with their hyped debut single.

Blake: Aussie lads poised to take over the world? A lot of work (read: money) has gone into these boys, and I do like their smooth sounds. I wish this song had a bit more guts and a bit more to make it stand out from the standard post-indie-pop smattering that is currently throbbing worldwide. Maybe the next single will be the one. 2/5
D'Luv: If I did drugs, this would be astounding. Alas... 2/5
Mike: I've had "Sweet Disposition" on high rotation for the best part of a year and I still love it as much as the first time I head it. Dougy's voice is amazing, the lyrics cut straight through me and the atmospsheric soundscape is beautiful. The perfect soundtrack to semi-sexy times! 5/5
Nasty G: What have we here? An Asian singer in a non-Asian band? Is that legal? Well, I say brava! But that still doesn't make this any more than a subpar attempt at mimicking MGMT, like approximately 5,000 other bands at the moment. I should like it, but I say meh. 2/5
Paul: I sat for a couple of minutes twiddling my thumbs while I was waiting for this to start, and then I realised it had started and was actually quite good. I love it when someone sneaks up and takes you by surprise from behind. It's very pleasant indeed when that happens. So hurrah for the Temps. 3.5/5
Tommie: I actually like the backing track, but the vocals are quite jarring. 2/5
Total: 16.5/30

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Heidi Montag ft. Spencer Pratt - Body Language ("Live" at Miss Universe)

The Queen of American pop finally releases "Body Language" complete with a stunning rap courtesy of husband Spencer.

Blake: I liked this a lot more than I thought I would. Sure, part of me wished it was sung by Holly Valance - but this gal will do nicely in the interim. I'm not quite sure what the deal is with the white-boy rap, though? 4/5
D'Luv: I want to point out that The Saturdays already rocked this Yaz sample last year. And I want to rail against Heidi's thin warble. But... can't... stop... listening! The classiest jam in all of Heidi's stunning catalog thus far. 3/5
Mike: Fuck single of the week - this is in the running for single of the year! I've been ranting about Heidi's stunning musical ability for ages but everyone thinks I'm joking. She is media whoring filth of the lowest common denominator but her music is better than Britney, Robyn and Annie combined. Fact! 5/5
Nasty G: Oops, I just jizzed on my keyboard! Finally! Though I applaud that the song itself recycles Paris Hilton's unretouched vocals and a very tired Yaz sample, I must acknowledge her sensational Miss Universe performance of this, where she dutifully reused Britney’s old wardrobe, Lene Alexandra's stellar dance moves and a blow-up doll's hair. How apropos that she chose Miss Universe for her live debut, since that's what she'll be ruling with her obvious talents. 5/5
Paul: Apparently according to her fugly husband, she has inherited the spirit of Michael Jackson and is going to be the next massive worldwide popstar. Probably not, to be fair, but this isn't an entire disaster. It's a bit Kylie, a bit Cathy Dennis and a bit shit (the rap is dreadful and hilarious at the same time) so it goes from cheese meets cool pop to novelty record within about 2 mins. But always entertaining. 3.5/5
Tommie: Queen Montag über alles. 5/5
Total: 25.5/30

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Heidi?

I know my writing can be distinctly tongue in cheek, so let me clarify in advance that this post is not intended to be ironic or sarcastic in any way. I honestly believe that Heidi Montag is one of the leading lights of modern pop music. There, I said it! Since her first recording leaked in 2007, the reality TV star has unleashed pop gems at an alarming rate. Songs like "Fashion", "Overdosin" and "Your Love Found Me" rival anything in the charts and yet Heidi is still staging fake weddings in Mexico to drum up publicity. Despite hooking up with some of the world's hottest producers, the poor bitch is no closer to a scoring a hit record than Tila Tequila and the reason is blindingly obvious - Team Montag doesn't have a clue.

Camping it up for "Overdosin" - my favourite Heidi track

Heidi Montag the pop star was always going to be a hard sell. This is a woman who is primarily famous for having the world's biggest douche as a boyfriend and sunbaking in skimpy bikinis. In other words, she's a typical Gen Y celebrity. Unfortunately, a degree of notoriety isn't a free ticket to chart success. People need to believe that Heidi is taking music seriously - not just using it as a means to fund her next breast augmentation. On that front, I think she's done pretty well by working with some of the hottest songwriters and producers (David Foster, Red One, Cathy Dennis etc) in the game. Heidi's problem lies in what comes next. Premiering your music on Perez Hilton and then dumping the songs on iTunes is not a well thought out marketing campaign! Either is spending a fortune on hot tracks only to release them with a cheesy home made video clip filmed by your drunk boyfriend. Heidi needs to settle on a single and give it a proper push - learn a dance routine, ask Britney for miming hints and do some traditional promotion in clubs and on television. I dread to think how she plans to promote her upcoming album. Simply being on The Hills isn't enough.

More fabulousness from "Overdosin"

Proof in point is the media whore's latest single. Penned by the amazing Cathy Dennis, "Blackout" is a top notch pop tune tailor made for the American market. I love everything about it - from the sweet chorus to the hook laden verses (those "woahs" get lodged in your head and simply refuse to leave). There's nothing particularly original or cutting edge about the track, it's just an old fashioned dose of well crafted pop music. I still think "Overdosin" is Heidi's masterpiece but this comes pretty close. What a shame then that it has to suffer the indignity of a poorly promoted iTunes release and possibly the year's most tragic video (below). The trash addict in me aches for this kind of shit but the song deserves better. You can download "Blackout" from Australian iTunes now.

I'm Not Dead

I can't believe it's been 6 weeks since my last post! It's a bit of an understatement to say that my operation was a complete disaster. Basically, everything that could go wrong did go wrong - from a brief coma to a rather unpleasant bout of internal bleeding. It was really tough but hopefully the worst is behind me. Thanks a bunch for the kind comments, texts and e-mails. They cheered me up no end!

As far as blogging is concerned, I kind of don't know where to start. There are a couple of major changes on the horizon but for the time being it's business as usual. I wanted to return with a bang but I thought I'd keep things simple by just writing a quick post about the songs that have kept me company over the past few weeks. In my defence, I have been heavily sedated for most of that time - which could explain some of my choices!

Here are my top ten tracks from March/April 2009:

The gorgeous Lisa Mitchell

1. Coin Laundry - Lisa Mitchell

I hated Lisa Mitchell on Australian Idol and rudely wrote her off as a dull Sarah Blasko wannabe. I take it all back. Lisa brings something unique and lovely to the local music scene. My opinion changed when I heard her song "Neopolitan Dreams" on a UK television advert for soap powder and finally started to get her quirky appeal. Now I'm completely besotted. "Coin Laundry" is one of the best Australian pop songs released this year. It's so simple and pretty. I love the pared back beats and Lisa's romantic lyrics. Hopefully, she'll make an equally appealing video to accompany the song. In the meantime you can hear it on her Myspace.

2. El Camino - Sol Rojo

Sol is clearly the sexiest woman in Spain or the rest of the world for that matter. Her stunning features and incredibly broad child-bearing hips are almost enough to turn me straight! Happily, her music is just as fabulous as her image. I've been loving "El Camino" since last year but it really clicked over the past few weeks. It's so bright and sunny - the perfect antidote for a foul mood or a pesky coma. Make sure you check out the HOT video. Sol was made to be an FHM covergirl!

3. Zero - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

This is such a potent piece of pop music. Every time "Zero" comes on the radio, I have to pump up the volume and sing along. I've never been a fan of the band but "Zero" ticks all of my boxes from the electric production to the anthemic chorus. There's just something shiny and uplifting about the track, which is a surprise given their cooler than cool image. I'm really shocked this wasn't a bigger hit but I guess the Yeah Yeah Yeahs are more of an albums act. Speaking of which, I really should check out "It's Blitz!".

4. Siren Song - Bat For Lashes

I haven't shut up about Bat For Lashes this year. "Daniel" still has me completely and utterly under its spell but I initially found the album quite disappointing. "Two Suns" is finally starting to click with me - largely due to the brilliance of "Siren Song", which has to be the most gorgeous ballad released thus far in 2009. Natasha's lyrics are so raw and beautiful. This reminds me of something from Tori Amos' "Little Earthquakes" album with a bit of old school Fleetwood Mac thrown in for good measure. I hope "Siren Song" is a single but I guess it's not very commercial. Definitely download this one from iTunes.

5. Sleepyhead - Passion Pit

You know a song is quality when it puts a smile on your face even while you're bent over in pain in hospital. I stumbled across "Sleepyhead" on Rage at about 4am on a particularly bleak Saturday morning and it instantly lifted my mood. The quirky electro lullaby is a three minute dose of pure happiness. I don't know much about the group but I plan to fix that. Make sure you check out the cute video (below).

6. Your Love Found Me - Heidi Montag

Don't judge me! I don't care what anyone says, Heidi Montag is an AMAZING pop star. I've loved everything she has released and her recent EP "Wherever I Am" is no exception. I'll write more about that pop masterpiece another time but the highlight for me is the trashtastic "Your Love Found Me". This is pure cheese - think Ashlee Simpson produced by Stock Aitken Waterman - but still incredibly fabulous. I love the tragic chorus and Heidi's stunning vocals are just as... breathtaking as ever!


7. When Love Takes Over - David Guetta Ft. Kelly Rowland

Poor Kelly Rowland. She's had more flops than Beyoncé's had hits. On the bright side, Kelly can take heart in the fact that she's not Michelle Williams. But I digress. Miss Kelly's latest endeavour is seriously fabulous. French DJ David Guetta knows his way around a killer dance track and roping in a has-been from Destiny's Child turns out to be a masterstroke. "When Love Takes Over" is a hands in the air gay anthem of the highest order. Hopefully, Kelly will take note and focus on the dancefloor for her next flop album.

8. Boom Boom Pow - Black Eyed Peas

And the award for the song that I initially hated, then found annoying but catchy and ultimately fell in love with goes to "Boom Boom Pow". The Black Eyed Peas took a risk by going with this for their big comeback but it really paid off. The production is so unusual but the minimal beats and multitude of quirky hooks get stuck in your head and refuse to leave. It's also a treat to see Fergie's stunning meth face back in the media spotlight. Long live the Queen of urban pop!

9. LoveGame - Lady GaGa

I don't care if she is the biggest publicity whore in modern history, Lady GaGa is still ok by me as long as she keeps on churning out tunes as catchy and fierce as "LoveGame". Strangely, I didn't really get the track until it was released as a single. I still think there are far better tracks on the album but all that talk about disco sticks finally won me over.

10. Through With Love - Zuleyka

"Through With Love" is the best Cher track that Cher never recorded. Zuleyka is a fabulous tranny who first appeared on UK's Big Brother before deciding to launch a music career. I can't believe the hateful comments on youtube. Zuleyka has a better voice that Leona Lewis and Alexandra Burke put together, not to mention better looks and more personality. "Through With Love" is simply amazing and I can't wait to hear what s/he comes up with next!