The Return Of K Lo!

Bow down, bitches. According to industry whispers, the orange goddess is currently bathing in a vat of golden glow in preparation for her magnificent comeback! The pop world just isn't the same without Kelly Llorenna's stunning pipes and luminescent fake tan. She is British pop music and I, for one, can't wait for her return to the lower reaches of the UK top 75. Despite her absence, sultry K Lo has been a busy girl since her last flop single, "I Will Love Again", peaked at a lofty #105. She has recorded a HI-NRG cover of a James Bond theme song for Klone Records, been hired as the vocalist du jour for legendary dance outfit Love To Infinity and most excitingly, re-joined forces with N-Trance - the group that rocketed her to international superstardom all those years ago.

The new N-Trance record, "Nothing Lasts Forever", is a glorious return to form. The beats come hard and heavy, while Kelly's exquisite vocals waft above the track like a gift from sweet baby Jesus. Seriously, listening to this you would be forgiven for thinking it was 1997 all over again and I mean that as a huge compliment. I hope the song is a smash hit for Kelly and the boys but given AATW's (her record company) recent track record, I wouldn't be surprised if this brilliant anthem never sees the light of day. So make sure you listen to it here. It really is quite fabulous. While we wait with baited breath for K Lo's glorious return, why not check out her last opus - a trashtastic cover of Donna Summer's "Hot Stuff". I finally worked out how to stream music (thanks Jennifer!), so you can bask in Ms Llorenna's magnificence below. This stunning masterpiece appears on the classily titled "Gay Days 5" compilation and is available to download from Australian iTunes. Welcome back, Kelly. You have been sorely missed!

Hot Stuff

Whispers, News + What's Hot & What's Not!

I thought I would take a short break from my usual mix of tragic divas and no hit wonders to comment on (ie. bitch about) some recent events in the glorious world of pop music. I think I'll start with the dramas surrounding Dannii's sister.

My Kylie Rant

Poor Kylie wasn't blessed with Dannii's stunning good looks or natural talent but I love her all the same. In fact, with the exception of her glorious sibling, Kylie is my favourite singer. And like the rest of Al Kylieda, I've been obsessing over the progress of her upcoming album to an unhealthy extent. It truly pains me to speak ill of a Minogue but I'm beginning to suspect a "Body Language" sized disappointment. Alarm bells started ringing when Kylie selected "Sensitized" for the album over several vastly superior tunes. Brilliant anthems like "Lose Control" and Mylo's delicious "In The Mood For Love" were passed over for a song that plays like a cheap "Cowboy Style" rip-off, complete with an annoying hooting sound courtesy of sampling this trash. If that wasn't bad enough, I fear that "2 Hearts" could be Kylie's worst single ever. The Kish Mauve demo sounds like Goldfrapp for the over 50 crowd and leaked clips of Kylie's version suggest she stays worryingly true to the demo. And yes, I know I'm being a drama queen. On a happier note, the single cover is AMAZING. In other Kylie news, the great one has covered Grace Jones/Roxy Music's "Love Is The Drug" for this Radio 1 compilation and her version is absolutely stunning!

Dannii Update

While Kylie appears to have momentarily lost the plot, divine Dannii is flying the Minogue flag in great style with 4 soon to be released albums, a new DVD and a brand new single scheduled for an early December release to cash in on X Factor. Rumours abound that Dannii is re-working a Jason Nevins produced club smash that heavily samples "Mighty Real". I smell Dannii's 12th #1 hit on the UK dance charts. Long live the Queen of Clubs!

Whispers

I'm excited to hear that Scotland's legendary Mary Kiani is hoping to release new material in Australia. I really hope things work out. Mary's "Sydney Sessions" album was one of the pop highlights of 2006 and I've been going through Kiani withdrawals ever since. Speaking of legendary dance divas, the orange goddess - Kelly Llorenna - looks set to release her first Australian single in years with news that Love To Infinity's "Keep Love Together" could be getting a local release! In other (old) news, lovely Jessica Mauboy has definitely been chosen to replace Ricki-Lee in the Young Divas. The world's most fabulous girlband is busy recording their second album of cover versions. I can't wait to hear the fagtastic crap the girls serve up this time! Speaking of Young Divas, "Love Is All Around" is the second single from Ricki-Lee's great "Brand New Day" album. The song is pure dynamite and the remixes are excellent.

What's Hot

I'm loving Jade Macrae's new single, "In The Basement". Jade has always been one of Australia's biggest talents but she finally has a song worthy of her talent. Expect to see a full post about Jade very soon. Another local act, The Potbelleez, appear to have a smash hit on their hands with "Don't Hold Back". The dance anthem is currently #1 on the club chart and ranks as one of the most added songs to radio this week. Don't tell anyone but I quite like Cosima's latest single, "Movin' On". Shame about the video clip. Moving on to international divas, I seem to be the only person who likes J Lo's new gangster anthem "Do It Well". I've had a listen to Jenny's new album and it is, somewhat surprisingly, very good! Robyn is always hot but I thought I might as well plug the Australian release of her brilliant album.

What's Not Hot

There's nothing hot about the publicity spree that accompanied the release of Dulta's latest shitfest, "In This Life". I guess a month of turning up to the opening of an envelope, TV advertisements and two CD single formats can still buy you a #1 hit. Dulta's new album cover (above) is as boring as you would expect. Speaking of has-beens, that old cunt from the Rogue Traders is back. "Don't You Wanna Feel" is rubbish even by their low standards. Go back to Neighbours! I'm also not sold on The Veronicas' new single, "Hook Me Up". I appreciate their move towards a more electro sound but where is the chorus? Time to go back to the drawing board.

Music For Wankers

Well done, Roisin Murphy. You have officially come up with the most pretentious album cover in the history of music! Bjork must be positively suicidal.

Kelly Llorenna's New Anthems

After the astonishing lack of success that greeted Kelly Llorenna's last single, it appeared that the orange goddess had finally run out of chances. Thankfully, England's greatest living musical talent has found herself a fabulous new day job as the new voice of dance outfit, Love To Infinity. According to Love To Infinity's myspace, Kelly Llorenna has been hired to help celebrate the group's 15th anniversary by re-recording their biggest hit - 1995's "Keep Love Together". I'm not familiar with the original but I'm sure it has nothing on Kelly's amazing interpretation. The queen of fake tan's powerful vocals are on full display and the track definitely has an anthemic quality. You can hear the track on the group's myspace. As much as I admire "Keep Love Together", I prefer Kelly's other collaboration with Love To Infinity. "Sweetest Day Of May" is a gorgeous slice of retro dance-pop, which is reminiscent of K Lo's brilliant "Heart Of Gold".

It warms my heart to think that Kelly Llorenna's stunning talent is finally being properly harnessed. The release date for "Keep Love Together" is yet to be announced but I'm sure it will return K Lo to her rightful place in the lower reaches of the top 100.

Requiem For An Orange Goddess

Kelly Llorenna cuts a striking figure on the stage. Her lean, orange body glows like a Renaissance sculpture dipped in a barrel of fake tan, her ever-present sunglasses create an air of alluring mystery and her measured strut announces the presence of a true diva. The mere sight of Kelly is enough to throw her core audience of unwed teenage mothers and derelict homosexuals into an uncontrollable frenzy, which only abates when Ms Llorenna deigns to open her gorgeous trout pout and unleash those golden pipes. Make no mistake. Kelly Llorenna, or K. Lo to her army of devoted fans, is pop trash royalty and this tribute has been long overdue. As Kelly's star plummets faster than Halley's comet in the wake of her recent chart disaster, take a moment to reflect on the musical gifts that Kelly Llorenna has enriched our lives with over the past 15 years.

In 1992 a tremor of genius shook the pop world when Kelly provided vocals for the N-Trance anthem, "Set You Free". The song flopped twice before finally becoming a massive hit in 1995. The success of the song resulted in Kelly signing a solo deal. Her first single, the divine "Brighter Day" made the top 40 but AATW Records quickly decided that Kelly would be more suited to collaborating with N-Trance. However, before returning to the band, Kelly recorded two of the most fabulous unreleased singles of the 1990s. Kelly's cover of the classic "One Day I'll Fly Away" represented a huge change of pace. The choice of song was a stroke of genius and the remixes were excellent. Strangely, the song was scrapped just after promos were released. Unfortunately, Kelly's equally fabulous "All I Wanna Do" (not a Dannii cover!) suffered a similar fate. I first heard the song on Deirdre Halliwell's criminally under-appreciated music blog, Cheesy Pop Music. "All I Wanna Do" really is something of a lost dance classic. This stunning anthem was another hit in waiting but sadly, was also scrapped.

Given Kelly's seeming inability to actually get a solo single released, she returned to the N-Trance fold and scored a multitude of hits over the next 5 years. However, Kelly was still desperate to establish her solo career. So, she released a cover of Taylor Dayne's "Tell It To My Heart" in order to re-launch herself as solo star and scored a deserved #9 hit on the UK charts in 2002. The follow up, a re-worked version of her earlier flop, "Heart Of Gold", made the top 20 and remains one of my all time favourite K. Lo anthems. In true diva style, Kelly's debut album was also a greatest hits compilation. "All Clubbed Up" rocketed to #62, announcing Kelly as a pop princess to be reckoned with!

Kelly returned to charts in a blaze of glory with the release of her craptastic cover of Donna Summer's "This Time I Know It's For Real" in 2004. While not in the same league of pop fabulousness as the Young Divas' recent version, Kelly's cover is a true guilty pleasure and the staple of many an aerobics class. The tragic video is a trash classic, with Kelly camping it up with some of the worst dancers Great Britain has to offer. "This Time I Know It's For Real" was intended to be followed by the release of "Nobody Like You" last year. I personally think "Nobody Like You" is one of the most poptastic dance singles of recent years. It's instantly catchy and more importantly, is slightly more pop orientated than Kelly's usual club sound. The song spent over a year in limbo before being scrapped. If it had been released, I can't help but think Kelly's career would not be in its current shambles.

Instead of twiddling her thumbs while AATW debated whether to release "Nobody Like You" or not, Kelly re-applied her fake tan and recorded a couple of tragic songs for Klone Records, including a fabulously awful cover of Rita Coolidge's Bond anthem "All Time High". Early this year, AATW decided to proceed with a new Kelly Llorenna single and they settled on a dance version of Lara Fabian's hit ballad "I Will Love Again". The song is far from terrible. In fact, I love the chilled Twilight Mix. The problem lies with the fact that the song plays right into all the negative stereotypes surrounding K. Lo - that she specialises in cheap dance covers and never releases anything original. Given the limited promotion and difficulty fans experienced finding a copy of the single in stores, it came as little surprise when "I Will Love Again" stalled at #105. Hopefully, this is not the last we hear of K. Lo. She may be slightly tragic bitch and have the fashion sense of a blind prostitute but Kelly is one of the few interesting personalities to emerge from the English pop scene over the past decade or so. If this is the end, let us remember Kelly in all her orange glory.

You can buy "All Clubbed Up" and "I Will Love Again" from Amazon and HMV. Purchase a copy today and help keep K. Lo in fake tan. A big thank you to Jamie for helping me out with the sexy Kelly pictures and mixes.