One Inna Million

Brace yourself. Romania's leading dance diva is one hit away from kicking Cascada's Natalie Horler to the curb as the Queen of AATW. Sultry Inna is already a superstar in her homeland and has been on something of a roll in the rest of Europe, topping the charts in 9 countries with "Hot" - her appropriately titled debut single. She now has her sights set on the UK and only time will tell if her success continues or she joins September on the stinking scrapheap of pop. At first, I didn't understand the fuss but by the second listen you'll be humming along to this trash if you want to or not. "Hot" is just one of those incredibly annoying catchy dance anthems that gets stuck in your head and refuses to leave. Produced by Play & Win, the outfit behind Akcent (you might remember their fabulously dirty ode to Kylie) and Alessia, the song is a refreshing jolt of high energy Eurotrash. I just wish AATW went with the original version or the freshly commissioned Cahill remix. The UK radio edit (below) leaves a lot to be desired and the missing minute has rendered the video clip almost unwatchable. Instead of the stripper with a heart of gold subplot, we're left with Inna perving on some bitch in a club. Classy. Anyway, I hope it takes off because I like the diva's follow up singles and think it's about time we had an Eastern European pop star. And no, Ruslana doesn't count.

The Tragifabulous Return Of Cascada

After years of releasing mechanical cover versions and soulless trance anthems, Cascada has finally decided to switch things up by ripping off Lady GaGa. The lead single from the German dance outfit's third album dropped this week and it's a virtual line by line re-make of "Just Dance" - down to the rap interlude! I'm usually pretty brutal about Cascada but "Evacuate The Dancefloor" (the puns I could make!) is a step in the right direction. Sure, it's a woeful exercise in plagiarism but at least they're paying homage to a great song. I think the staccato electro beats suit Natalie's robotic vocals surprisingly well and the rap isn't as unfortunate as it could have been. Admittedly, the production is more Berman Brothers than Red One but they deserve some points for trying! Put on your Poker Face and check out the video (below). "Evacuate The Dancefloor" is a true guilty pleasure.

The Return Of K Lo!

Bow down, bitches. According to industry whispers, the orange goddess is currently bathing in a vat of golden glow in preparation for her magnificent comeback! The pop world just isn't the same without Kelly Llorenna's stunning pipes and luminescent fake tan. She is British pop music and I, for one, can't wait for her return to the lower reaches of the UK top 75. Despite her absence, sultry K Lo has been a busy girl since her last flop single, "I Will Love Again", peaked at a lofty #105. She has recorded a HI-NRG cover of a James Bond theme song for Klone Records, been hired as the vocalist du jour for legendary dance outfit Love To Infinity and most excitingly, re-joined forces with N-Trance - the group that rocketed her to international superstardom all those years ago.

The new N-Trance record, "Nothing Lasts Forever", is a glorious return to form. The beats come hard and heavy, while Kelly's exquisite vocals waft above the track like a gift from sweet baby Jesus. Seriously, listening to this you would be forgiven for thinking it was 1997 all over again and I mean that as a huge compliment. I hope the song is a smash hit for Kelly and the boys but given AATW's (her record company) recent track record, I wouldn't be surprised if this brilliant anthem never sees the light of day. So make sure you listen to it here. It really is quite fabulous. While we wait with baited breath for K Lo's glorious return, why not check out her last opus - a trashtastic cover of Donna Summer's "Hot Stuff". I finally worked out how to stream music (thanks Jennifer!), so you can bask in Ms Llorenna's magnificence below. This stunning masterpiece appears on the classily titled "Gay Days 5" compilation and is available to download from Australian iTunes. Welcome back, Kelly. You have been sorely missed!

Hot Stuff

Listening To This Hurts The Most

Even the most casual reader of Pop Trash Addicts has surely realised by now that I don’t give a fuck about musical credibility, originality or artistic integrity. Disco dykes? Yes, please! Poptastic grannies? Gimme more! Foul mouthed trannies? Even better! And yet, as much as I revel in the trashy side of pop, I remain strangely immune to the dubious charms of Cascada – the massively successful Eurotrance outfit fronted by a horse faced German diva called Natalie. A collection of trance cover versions cheesier than a piss pig's cock, their debut album seemed destined for an AATW clearance sale but stunned everyone by becoming a global chart smash despite sounding like it had been dragged kicking and screaming from 1996. Don’t get me wrong – I like Cascada’s music but I fully expected them to slide into oblivion with the grace of 2 Unlimited or the Real McCoy. Their continued success seems, well, completely unnecessary.

Cascada returned to the UK top 10 in December with another craptastic cover version, “What Hurts The Most” and it’s now Australia’s turn to experience the wonder of their latest Euro-turd. Surprisingly, I’m finding it hard to muster a lot of enthusiasm. “What Hurst The Most” is shiny slice of commercial trance that will no doubt compel trashbags across the nation to grab the nearest glow stick but I can’t get past the grimly manufactured sound, the almost clinical lack of emotion and the lazy song selection. “What Hurts The Most” has been covered several times, first by Jo O’Meara (of S Club 7 “fame”) before more recently being given the country treatment by Rascal Flatts. I like both versions but Jo’s lovely rendition is proof that pop and emotion are not mutually exclusive. Shame she turned out to be a suicidal racist. It’s not all bad, I guess. D’Luv revealed his secret heterosexual yearnings by waxing lyrical about Caskanka’s breasts, while Jamie from Poplicious highlights the innate camp appeal of the video clip (below), which finds our beloved Teutonic automaton singing heartbreaking lyrics with a beaming smile while being tattooed –no less!

As rubbish as the song is, I'm still rather taken by Yanou's obligatory Candlelight Mix. Stripped of its cheap trance trappings, this version actually sounds like it was sung by a human being instead of an emotionless robot. If “What Hurts The Most” rings your bell, take heart. Cascada’s new album, “Perfect Day”, serves up more of the same. I could only listen to it a couple of times before putting it to better use as a beer coaster but their version of Avril Lavigne’s “Sk8ter Boi” is a rather delicious concoction. “What Hurts The Most” is released in Australia on the 18th of February. Order your copy here.

Requiem For An Orange Goddess

Kelly Llorenna cuts a striking figure on the stage. Her lean, orange body glows like a Renaissance sculpture dipped in a barrel of fake tan, her ever-present sunglasses create an air of alluring mystery and her measured strut announces the presence of a true diva. The mere sight of Kelly is enough to throw her core audience of unwed teenage mothers and derelict homosexuals into an uncontrollable frenzy, which only abates when Ms Llorenna deigns to open her gorgeous trout pout and unleash those golden pipes. Make no mistake. Kelly Llorenna, or K. Lo to her army of devoted fans, is pop trash royalty and this tribute has been long overdue. As Kelly's star plummets faster than Halley's comet in the wake of her recent chart disaster, take a moment to reflect on the musical gifts that Kelly Llorenna has enriched our lives with over the past 15 years.

In 1992 a tremor of genius shook the pop world when Kelly provided vocals for the N-Trance anthem, "Set You Free". The song flopped twice before finally becoming a massive hit in 1995. The success of the song resulted in Kelly signing a solo deal. Her first single, the divine "Brighter Day" made the top 40 but AATW Records quickly decided that Kelly would be more suited to collaborating with N-Trance. However, before returning to the band, Kelly recorded two of the most fabulous unreleased singles of the 1990s. Kelly's cover of the classic "One Day I'll Fly Away" represented a huge change of pace. The choice of song was a stroke of genius and the remixes were excellent. Strangely, the song was scrapped just after promos were released. Unfortunately, Kelly's equally fabulous "All I Wanna Do" (not a Dannii cover!) suffered a similar fate. I first heard the song on Deirdre Halliwell's criminally under-appreciated music blog, Cheesy Pop Music. "All I Wanna Do" really is something of a lost dance classic. This stunning anthem was another hit in waiting but sadly, was also scrapped.

Given Kelly's seeming inability to actually get a solo single released, she returned to the N-Trance fold and scored a multitude of hits over the next 5 years. However, Kelly was still desperate to establish her solo career. So, she released a cover of Taylor Dayne's "Tell It To My Heart" in order to re-launch herself as solo star and scored a deserved #9 hit on the UK charts in 2002. The follow up, a re-worked version of her earlier flop, "Heart Of Gold", made the top 20 and remains one of my all time favourite K. Lo anthems. In true diva style, Kelly's debut album was also a greatest hits compilation. "All Clubbed Up" rocketed to #62, announcing Kelly as a pop princess to be reckoned with!

Kelly returned to charts in a blaze of glory with the release of her craptastic cover of Donna Summer's "This Time I Know It's For Real" in 2004. While not in the same league of pop fabulousness as the Young Divas' recent version, Kelly's cover is a true guilty pleasure and the staple of many an aerobics class. The tragic video is a trash classic, with Kelly camping it up with some of the worst dancers Great Britain has to offer. "This Time I Know It's For Real" was intended to be followed by the release of "Nobody Like You" last year. I personally think "Nobody Like You" is one of the most poptastic dance singles of recent years. It's instantly catchy and more importantly, is slightly more pop orientated than Kelly's usual club sound. The song spent over a year in limbo before being scrapped. If it had been released, I can't help but think Kelly's career would not be in its current shambles.

Instead of twiddling her thumbs while AATW debated whether to release "Nobody Like You" or not, Kelly re-applied her fake tan and recorded a couple of tragic songs for Klone Records, including a fabulously awful cover of Rita Coolidge's Bond anthem "All Time High". Early this year, AATW decided to proceed with a new Kelly Llorenna single and they settled on a dance version of Lara Fabian's hit ballad "I Will Love Again". The song is far from terrible. In fact, I love the chilled Twilight Mix. The problem lies with the fact that the song plays right into all the negative stereotypes surrounding K. Lo - that she specialises in cheap dance covers and never releases anything original. Given the limited promotion and difficulty fans experienced finding a copy of the single in stores, it came as little surprise when "I Will Love Again" stalled at #105. Hopefully, this is not the last we hear of K. Lo. She may be slightly tragic bitch and have the fashion sense of a blind prostitute but Kelly is one of the few interesting personalities to emerge from the English pop scene over the past decade or so. If this is the end, let us remember Kelly in all her orange glory.

You can buy "All Clubbed Up" and "I Will Love Again" from Amazon and HMV. Purchase a copy today and help keep K. Lo in fake tan. A big thank you to Jamie for helping me out with the sexy Kelly pictures and mixes.