The Return Of Cheyne!

Cheyne Coates has been missing in action since the demise of Madison Avenue and the dismal failure of her own solo career. It's a shame because the world of pop is a less colourful place without her fabulous presence. Thankfully, the DJs behind Canada's Soundbluntz have taken pity on poor Cheyne and asked her to provide vocals for their excellent track, "(Maybe You'll Get) Lucky". If you close your eyes, you'd be forgiven for thinking it was 1999 all over again. "Lucky" could easily slip into Madison Avenue's "Polyester Embassy" album - Cheyne's stunning voice is as expressionless as ever, the beats are similar and the lyrics cover Cheyne's favourite theme of looking sexy in a nightclub. Fans of Australia's most successful dance act will no doubt happily devour "Lucky".

Cheyne's funky anthem was recently released in the UK after a successful Canadian release. To my knowledge it is yet to chart. I'm sure "Lucky" would garner significantly more attention in Australia. Central Station Records - what are you waiting for?! In the meantime, you can purchase "Lucky" from HMV UK or order an import copy from Chaos.

Kelly Llorenna's New Anthems

After the astonishing lack of success that greeted Kelly Llorenna's last single, it appeared that the orange goddess had finally run out of chances. Thankfully, England's greatest living musical talent has found herself a fabulous new day job as the new voice of dance outfit, Love To Infinity. According to Love To Infinity's myspace, Kelly Llorenna has been hired to help celebrate the group's 15th anniversary by re-recording their biggest hit - 1995's "Keep Love Together". I'm not familiar with the original but I'm sure it has nothing on Kelly's amazing interpretation. The queen of fake tan's powerful vocals are on full display and the track definitely has an anthemic quality. You can hear the track on the group's myspace. As much as I admire "Keep Love Together", I prefer Kelly's other collaboration with Love To Infinity. "Sweetest Day Of May" is a gorgeous slice of retro dance-pop, which is reminiscent of K Lo's brilliant "Heart Of Gold".

It warms my heart to think that Kelly Llorenna's stunning talent is finally being properly harnessed. The release date for "Keep Love Together" is yet to be announced but I'm sure it will return K Lo to her rightful place in the lower reaches of the top 100.

Konichiwa Bitches - Australian Release

Expect an outbreak of Robyn-mania when the Swedish pop diva releases her first Australian single since 2003 on the 15th of September. "Konichiwa Bitches" has been an internet phenomenon since its Swedish release, so it's a smart choice to kickstart Robyn's Australian campaign. The record company has wisely coupled the hip hop anthem with "Cobrastyle", a song which better reflects Robyn's underlying pop sensibility. The tracklisting has been announced and there is at least one exciting surprise:

1. Konichiwa Bitches
2. Cobrastyle
3. Konichiwa Bitches (Trentemellor Remix)
4. Cobrastyle (Muscles Remix)
5. Konichiwa Bitches (Clean)

All of the songs have previously appeared on international versions of the single, except track 4, "Cobrastyle (Muscles Remix)". Muscles is possibly Australia's hottest DJ at the moment, recently scoring a huge dance hit with "Ice Cream". I can't wait to hear his take on "Cobrastyle"!

You can order "Konichiwa Bitches/Cobrastyle" from Chaos. In the meantime, check out the amazing "Konichiwa Bitches" film clip here.

From A*Teen To Glamour Bitch?

I'm not a huge fan of Swedish pop music. I love Robyn and worship stunning Bionda but I can take or leave most of the other budget divas. Until recently, I would have lumped Sara Love in the same trash can as her hideous former A*Teens bandmate, Marie Serneholt. Sara's first solo release, a cheap and nasty remake of Olivia Newton-John's "Physical", was inoffensive but entirely forgettable. I expected more of the same but I almost fell off my seat when Tommie sent me Sara's upcoming single, "Glamour Bitch"! The former A*Teen has followed in the footsteps of Fergie and Gwen Stefani by embracing her inner ghetto diva. The result is one of the least credible urban tracks in the history of modern music and I can't get enough of it! If the rest of Sara's album is this wonderfully craptastic, I'll be the first to sing its praises.

You can learn more about this tragifabulous diva on Sara's Myspace and fan site.

Madonna Is An Old Thief!

Oh yes, I went there! Madonna is a thief and I have irrefutable proof! And I'm not talking about the uncanny similarity between Oldfrapp's shiteous "The Beat Goes On" and every second song on Nelly Furtado's "Loose" album. Rather, I'm referring to a truly craptastic Australian act called Bliss, who lovingly crafted a mind-boggling dance cover of "American Pie" in 1997 - three years before Madonna unleashed her own tragic rendition upon the world. I have no doubt that Madge has nothing better to do in her free time than listen to flops by unknown Australian dance acts and decided to steal the idea for herself.

While Madonna's version continues to feature on worst cover version countdowns, the Bliss version is a lost classic. As far as I'm concerned, if you're going to destroy a classic - you might as well totally fucking tear it apart and piss all over it. And believe me, Bliss leave no stone unturned in their destruction of Don McLean's anthem. The cheesy keyboards and atrocious rapping will warm the heart of any self-respecting pop trash addict!

So what became of Bliss? I suspect that Madge had them killed to hide her deceit. Or perhaps they just went back to working at McDonald's. It's impossible to tell because there is literally no information about Bliss anywhere on the internet. I can't even confirm if the song was ever officially released. I do know, however, that Bliss had some wicked style (check out their sublime outfits!) and knew how to cover a classic. If anyone knows more about this fabulously untalented duo, please let me know!

A big thank you to Steen for sending me this lost gem. Girlfriend, we are totally on the same wavelength!

Victoria's Scrapped Single

I love Victoria Beckham as a celebrity. Her "reality" TV show was pure bliss and I get a warm feeling inside every time I see her emaciated figure pinned into an unflattering designer gown on the red carpet. As a pop star, however, Skeletoria was as useless as an ashtray on a motorbike. Sticky Vicky's debut album showcased her lack of vocal talent to a terrifying extent, while her subsequent urban makeover still draws snickers of laughter. Despite her musical shortcomings, the recent leak of a new VB song still managed to trigger a ripple of excitement through the Spice Girls' amazingly loyal fanbase.

I'm no authority on Victoria's career, so I asked internationally renowned Spice expert Magical Froggy to provide some details on the story behind the Cathy Dennis penned track, "My Love Is For Real". Here's what he had to say:

"The single was supposed to be released in the summer of 2004 (after the Xmas success of Let Your Head Go/This Groove), but that was when the Rebecca Loos thing happened. Victoria was put under a lot of pressure by the media saying the affair was her fault as she was away all the time working on her failing music career. She then quit her music for the sake of her marriage. The most infuriating thing in my eyes! It's not Victoria's fault if David can't keep his dick under control!"

It's a shame that Victoria decided to pull the plug on her career after finally recording a decent song. "My Love Is For Real" is a lovely mid-tempo electro number that becomes more enjoyable with each listen. An album of this kind of material would have been most welcome but I guess it wasn't to be.

Thanks to everyone who sent me "My Love Is For Real". Magical Froggy deserves a special mention for his insight into Victoria's career and the fabulous mock cover. And no, I'm not sure what the fish is all about either!

Deni Hines - Album & Tour Details

I still can't believe that Deni Hines resides in glamorous Manly Vale (not to be confused with beach side Manly). Girlfriend must really be down on her luck to live in a suburb best known for its nursing homes and Liquorland. One benefit of living in the arsehole of Sydney is the constant attention Deni receives from the Manly Daily. Friday's edition was a veritable cornucopia of Deni goodness with an appearance on the front cover, a full page picture and an interview about her new jazz album. The project sounds fantastic and Deni's latest image transformation is absolutely stunning. I'm going to see Deni perform songs from the album at The Vanguard next week, so expect to read more about delicious Deni shortly!