The Day The Music Died

So I come home after a hard weekend night on the tiles and decide to look at the charts before passing out on the lounge to the soothing sounds of Kelly Llorenna only to be confronted by an ABOMINATION. The evil troll from Girls Aloud somehow squirmed her way into our national top 10 with "3 Words". My faith in humanity has been shaken to the core. Are people mistakenly downloading this anal wart of a song because they usually associate will.i.am with good music or did the Chk Chk Boom Girl start a grass roots campaign to launch her hero's antipodean career? I'm shocked and appalled by this travesty of taste and justice. We have talentless fame whores a plenty in Australia without needing to import them. Hell, Shakaya has more urban credibility than this skank and will.i.am put together! What's next? Jade Ewen climbing to #1 with "My Man"? Jesus take the wheel and steer us towards real talent. Like this.

What Soraya Did Next!

Spain’s undisputed Queen of pop has been busy since coming a respectable second last in Eurovision last year. She re-released her amazing flop album, scored a top 30 hit in Sweden (on the virtually obsolete physical singles chart) and completed her sold out tour (of free shows at radio stations). Unlike desperate Edurne, who is now appearing on the Spanish version of Dancing With the Stars – Soraya continues to go from strength to strength while retaining her class and dignity! A case in point is Soraya’s latest endeavour as the nude cover girl of Must! Magazine’s "Sex Issue". As you can see from the clip above, the stunning diva is in fine form. Her beauty is almost as flawless as her voice and totally non-Botoxed forehead. More importantly, I'm told the song playing in the background is Soraya’s next single – a sure to be #77 smash hit collaboration with French DJ Antoine Clamaran. It goes without saying "Live Your Dreams" is already the best track of 2010 and I haven't even heard it! For more info check out this glamorous post.

Cum Inside Erika's Kingdom

Erika Heynatz has finally released her debut single! The former Australia's Next Top Model host and Farscape actress has been threatening to unleash an album since late 2006. I was played a couple of demos way back in 2008 but assumed EMI had scrapped the project when the stunning triple threat dropped off the radar. After listening to "Kingdom", it's pretty clear Erika spent that time overhauling her sound. The demos I heard were all uptempo numbers, while her debut is a gentle guitar driven pop song. As much as I would have loved another mutton-dressed-as-lamb dance diva to add to my stable of favourites, I really like "Kingdom". The lyrics are surprisingly sweet and the subtle production makes the track something of an oddity given the current trend for overproduced pop. Admittedly, Erika still sounds like she's been sucking on Kylie's helium balloon and the song could easily slot into any album Natalie Imbruglia has released since 1997 but it works. My only gripe is the hideous cover. Can EMI please make sure the diva still has a pulse before her next photoshoot? She looks like an extra from Six Feet Under. Thankfully, the video (below) is a much classier affair. In fact, I think "Kingdom" has higher production values than Erika's last movie! It's simple, suitably moody and vaguely reminds me of Kylie's lovely "Some Kind Of Bliss". Colour me impressed.

Sour 7 - Disappreciation Thread

Mutya gives her verdict on "Sweet 7"

It's a sad day for pop music when the new Sugababes' album is only twice as good as the last Girls Aloud offering. Once upon a time you could bank on The Babes making their rivals look even more tragic than usual. While the racist and her talentless friends churned out the same old shit year after year, Keisha & co continued to mix up their sound and brought some much needed class and dignity to the charts - regardless of the seemingly endless line up changes. The ship really should have sunk with Mutya's departure but the group somehow managed to survive without the realest girl in pop. "Catfights and Spotlights" was disappointing but eventually grew on me and I thought "Get Sexy" was a good omen for their 7th album. The ladies seemed back on track until Keisha was shown the door and it became blindingly obvious that she was the glue keeping the group together all these years. As far as I'm concerned the Sugababes officially died when Jade Ewen signed on. I could deal with horsey Heidi and crazy Amelle as replacements but a floptastic Eurovision failure with the charisma of a burst colostomy bag? Was Mel Blatt too busy?

Despite my disillusion with the brand, I was still genuinely excited about "Sweet 7". The line up of producers is mouth watering. RedOne, Stargate, Fernando Garibay and Toby Gad have created some of the best songs of all time. The Sugababes might be a complete farce but it's impossible to get the music wrong with all these heavyweights, right? Apparently not. I'm a huge fan of American pop but this album represents everything wrong with it - recycled beats, generic lyrics and soulless mid-tempo ballads. There is an obvious hierachy when it comes to working with the A List and the Sugababes got Beyoncé and Rihanna's hand me downs. Hell, I think they got the shit Jordin Sparks rejected! It's easy to point the finger at the producers or the record company for ruthlessly pursuing the US market but other British acts have effortlessly jumped on board the American pop bandwagon (see my recent posts on Livvi Franc and Tania Foster for starters), so the blame has to lie with Heidi, Amelle and Jade. They simply simply don't click as a group and are completely out of touch with their fanbase. The girls need to change their name or pull the plug. "Sweet 7" is the final nail in the Sugababes' rotting coffin.

I'm not going to give the album a proper track by track review because I find it too depressing. However, here is my cheat sheet to "Sweet 7":

Get Sexy

A decent lead single that sounds infinitely better when you're off your face in a club. The song will always hold a special place in my heart due to the band's surprise appearance on Pop Trash Addicts to promote it. Their hints on getting sexy (below) have been a constant source of amusement to me.

Wear My Kiss

"Wear My Kiss" is the best track on the album by a very wide margin. Fernando Garibay has been on a tear recently - delivering killer tracks for Lady GaGa and Whitney - and he continues to impress. I have a feeling this is going to be a massive flop but it's the only song on the album that Version 2.0 would have touched with a ten foot pole. Make sure you download the glorious WAWA remix from iTunes. It's one of my favourite tunes of 2010. Brilliant.

About A Girl

Keisha's version > Jade's version. But they're both RedOne on autopilot.

Wait For You

This doesn't quite scale the same heights as "Wear My Kiss" but it's a decent slice of uptempo dance-pop with a surprisingly cute chorus. It just sounds suspiciously similar to Lady GaGa's vastly superior "No Way" - a song Fernando previously submitted for "The Fame Monster".

Thank You For The Heartbreak

The Sugababes go electro with a little help from Stargate. Sounds amazing? It isn't.

Miss Everything (Featuring Sean Kingston)

A three and a half minute lesson in how to be a gold digging skank. Siobhán is lying in the foetal position somewhere clutching her copy of The Female Eunuch begging Jesus for forgiveness.

She's A Mess

This unveiled attack on Mutya is completely unnecessary. It's not her fault "she's sweating bullets" and "her heels are broke". You try dragging those butt implants around the club! Mut Mut will have her revenge!

Give It To Me Now

The clown behind Cheryl Cole's "Parachute" was responsible for this mess. Enough said.

Crash & Burn

OK, I like this. Toby Gad's ballads have a way of sucking me in - particularly Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" and Bey's "If I Were A Boy". "Crash & Burn" isn't in the same league as those stunning anthems but it is lovely and one of the few songs on "Sweet 7" that showcases the fact that these women can actually sing. Unlike Girls Aloud.

No More You

Stargate's ability to recycle beats should be acknowledged by the Guinness Book Of World Records. I swear I've heard this song 500 times before and I'm pretty sure that almost all of them have been just as shit.

Sweet & Amazing

When I saw the title I expected a much deserved tribute to Keisha but it's just another mid-tempo ballad - albeit an unexpectedly cute one. This is worth a listen.

Little Miss Perfect

Trite, lame and embarrassing. A fitting conclusion to a diabolical album.

RATING: 3/10

R.I.P Sugababes - thanks for the memories!

Ami Suzuki's Kylie Cover & Australian Tour!

Today is quite possibly the most important date in the history of popular music. My favourite Japanese diva - the heavenly Ami Suzuki - has just leaked a thirty second preview of her long awaited version of Kylie's "Can't Get You Out Of My Head" AND finally confirmed her first Australian tour (of Queensland nightclubs). I don't know where to start! I'm literally lost for words after hearing Ami's stunning cover, so I guess I'll begin with her tour. First and foremost - why is this living legend confining herself to the Sunshine State? Ami's tens of fans would fill venues right across Australia. I know my local Sushi Train would be packed to the rafters! It's frustrating but I won't let 730 measly kilometres come between me and the pride of Japan. The prospect of hearing the Queen of Avex mime to a bunch of her top 35 smash "hits" is just too tempting. Queensland, here I come! At the moment the diva's Australian tour consists of the following dates:

- The 14th of March at Bedroom Nightclub on the Gold Coast (link)
- The 18th of March at Church Nightclub in Brisbane (link)

I'm not familiar with either venue, so if anyone has any suggestions - please let me know. I just hope Ami belts out a couple of early classics like "Be Together" and "Love The Island" as well as her trashtastic Avex masterpieces "Free Free", "One" and "Can't Stop The Disco". Speaking of that last smash, you might remember my post about the song's video clip. It's basically a frame by frame copy of Kylie's "In My Arms", so I find it only fitting that Ami pay tribute to Australia's own Queen of pop by covering her biggest hit. Needless to say, the Japanese icon does Kylie proud. Changing the lyrics to "I just can't get you out of my hair" was a masterstroke! Ami's breathtaking anthem will feature on this upcoming compilation but until then, enjoy the 30 second preview (below). Ayumi and Utada could never...

Marina & The Diamonds - Remixed

I'm the first to admit that I'm very wary of "hip" new pop acts. As a general rule, they're overhyped (La Roux) or just plain shit (Little Boots) but occasionally someone actually has the talent to match the praise that's been lavished upon them. Marina & The Diamonds definitely falls into the latter category. The Welsh diva's wit, insight and devastating honesty make for a heady mix - particularly when you throw in her quirky vocals and knack for writing a catchy chorus. You didn't need to be a NME journalist to know Marina was destined for big things and I'm genuinely proud to have interviewed the singer before her recent commercial breakthrough with "Hollywood". I'm so excited Marina now has a top 20 hit to her credit but I'm convinced she'd be celebrating a top 5 smash if the Ground Control remix was released as the official single edit. Her record company probably thought it was too fun and fluffy for a rising indie pop star but I think the song's electro-makeover is a work of poptastic genius. "I Am Not A Robot" will always be my favourite Marina track but this gayed up version of "Hollywood" is now a close second. Expect a review of her soon to be released debut album in the next couple of weeks. In the meantime, enjoy one of 2010's best remixes (below).

Happy Fucking Valentine's!

To all of my dear readers in healthy, loving relationships - happy Valentine's Day. Now, fuck off because this post is dedicated to all the single ladies out there! I was originally going to make an anti-Valentine's Day playlist and spent hours listening to lesbian singer-songwriters moan about broken hearts and their impending spinsterhood but it all got a bit depressing. I thought I'd lighten the mood by blasting some Eurotrash and stumbled across a song so accurate in its depiction of modern day romance that I just had to post it. Elin Lanto's "Love Made Me Stupid" speaks the truth. Like for realz. It perfectly captures love's ability to chew you up and spit you out, while still keeping things light and fluffy thanks to its Hi-NRG production and catchy, if devastating, chorus. The Swedish diva has been on my radar since 2008's poptastic "Speak N Spell" and I'm yet to be disappointed. I'd love to get my hands on her debut album ("One") but that fucker is harder to find than Heidi Montag's dignity. Anyway, check out these lyrics:

Love made me stupid
Why does it do this?
Before I met you everything was just fine
And now I am falling apart
It's killing my heart
Again and again and again

I think Elin and I have been dating the same guys! The film clip is an equally classy affair. How do these Swedish nobodies manage to throw together videos that put most American and English divas to shame? I love the part where she wears a fish bowl on her head and fondles the statue. Now that's what I call art!