The Ultimate Dannii Promo

This is quite simply THE most amazing thing I've ever seen in my entire life. It captures the essence of Dannii, her stunning artistry and undeniable genius perfectly. Watch this and weep tears of pure joy.

Amanda Lear - Brief Encounters Review

Now this is a bit confusing, so please bear with me. Way back in January I wrote a post announcing Amanda Lear's comeback album and even provided a tentative tracklist. The good news is that "Brief Encounters" has finally been released. Albeit only in Italy. Now, here's where things get a little complicated. The album will be released in France on the 23rd of November (and subsequently in the rest of the world) as "Brand New Love Affair" - with a completely different tracklisting! The albums also have distinctly different themes. The Italian release is a double CD comprised of an acoustic disc and a dance/remix disc, while the French version is a disco concept album. I haven't heard "Brand New Love Affair" in full yet but it appears that most of the best tracks have ended up on that album. However, that's not to say that the Italian version is a write off. "Brief Encounters" is a great listen and contains several Lear-tastic pop gems. If this is the reject album (so to speak) - the real deal should be amazing!

Disc 1

Despite mainly featuring acoustic/pared back covers, disc 1 kicks off with the album's mid-tempo lead single "Someone Else's Eyes" - an appealing duet with the album's main producer Deadstar. I like the song but I prefer the airbrushed to the point of being animated video clip. Watch a preview above. The next song is more reflective of this half of the album. Amanda shows Amy Winehouse a thing or two about being a real diva on her surprisingly fabulous cover of "Back To Black". The jazzy sound suits Ms Lear perfectly and she was born to sing the line "he left no time to regret, kept his dick wet"! "Cupidon", a pretty ballad performed in French, is followed by a sax-tastic version of the Lenny Kravitz hit "I Belong To You". Amanda sounds great but I don't like the musical arrangement. It sounds like elevator music from the 80s. The same could be said for "I Don't Wanna Lose You", which is similarly sleep inducing. Happily, "Fallin' In Love Again" is more lively and stands out as the album's only contemporary pop-rock track.

"Je m'appelle Amanda" is poignant for the clearly autobiographical lyrics, while the jaunty accordion wouldn't sound out of place in a Parisian cafe. Unfortunately, "Let's Love" is another snail paced ballad that sounds like it was stolen from Kenny G circa 1984 but Amanda's smokey cover of Lou Reed's "Perfect Day" is touching despite being marred by excessive lashings of saxophone. The covers continue unabated with a cute version of Françoise Hardy's "Comment Te Dire Adieu", which has more than a touch of Austin Powers about it. The Queen of Chinatown's take on David Bowie's "Sorrow" is a real highlight. The arrangement is relatively faithful to the original and the song choice is sentimental given that the great diva appeared in the original video clip (below). I was really concerned about the next song but "Suicide Is Painless" (better known as the MASH theme song) is a minor triumph. Amanda brings real gravitas to the proceedings and the result is tender and real. Disc 1 finishes on a rather insipid note with "Secret Lover" but there is a lot to enjoy on the first half of "Brief Encounters".

Disc 2

I suspect that most fans will be far more interested in the trashtastic second disc, which returns Amanda to dancefloor. The disc opens with an unexpected cover of Peter Wilson's "Doin' Fine". Peter is a friend of mine - so I'm probably a bit biased - but I prefer his version. The production on this is just lazy. It's exactly the same backing track as Peter's version! Rather more appealing is the dance remix of "Someone Else's Eyes", which is pure Hi-NRG cheese. I love the floaty Euro beats and really think this should have been the single version. Next up is the first of three versions of "This Is Not America" (not a David Bowie cover as first reported). The song is a surprisingly dark dance anthem with political lyrics and it works quite well. However, I think three remixes is a bit of overkill. Disco fans will be more interested in Amanda's interpretation of Giorgio Moroder's "Let The Music Play". I love this. The production is a bit kooky at times but a talented DJ could work wonders with it. However, the album's best cover version is yet to come. As far as I'm concerned "Brief Encounters" is worth tracking down for Ms Lear's stunning cover of "Always On My Mind" alone. This is the only T1 production (Peter Wilson and Chris Richards) on the Italian release and it's a winner. Think the Pet Shop Boys meet Kate Ryan (if she could sing) and you have some idea of what this achingly pretty, synth drenched treat sounds like. The boys also deliver a fantastic club mix. The last notable track on Disc 2 is "For What I Am". Amusingly, the song comes with an R'n'B remix but it's pretty dull by Amanda's lofty standards and brings down what is a highly enjoyable collection of dance tunes and remixes.

"Brief Encounters" is available to order from FNAC Italy but they don't ship to Australia (or America by the look of it), so your best bet is Ebay. Amanda's Italian opus is a lot of fun and essential for fans of disco's most fabulous diva but it's very uneven. There are some great moments but the album has clearly been padded with filler and unnecessary remixes - probably because most of the quality tracks ended up on the French release if the buzz on Myspace and Facebook is any indication. Speaking of which, check out a preview of the title track and lead single from "Brand New Love Affair" (below). I'll post more details about that release very soon.

Dannii - The 95 Sessions

You know it's November when Dannii releases her annual batch of X Factor cash-in albums. This time around the Queen of Clubs is unveiling deluxe editions of her stunning debut "Love & Kisses" as well as her 1993 #52 UK smash hit "Get Into You". However, the real gem is "The 95 Sessions" - possibly Dannii's most exciting fan release ever! I don't usually have a lot of nice things to say about Nafensays but I think he's done a great job on this. I just hope it doesn't sell out on iTunes like "The Early Years" because Dannii's lost 1995 album is the holy grail of pop music as far as I'm concerned!

After the phenomenal worldwide success of "Get Into You", the prettier Minogue swiftly started work on her third album for MCA Records. Dannii mentioned in interviews that she was experimenting with club beats after revolutionising urban music on her previous two masterpieces and rumours began circulating that she was working with hot 90s dance producers Love To Infinity, Soul II Soul and Motiv 8. Promotion for the album was underway by mid-1995 and the Empress of X Factor even performed the original version of "Everlasting Night" and another new song called "Free Your Love" at various gay pride events. Both of those songs appear on "The 95 Sessions" - along with "Don't Want To Leave You Now", which Dannii performed on her sold out (according to Droid statisticians) 1998 tour. I LOVE the original and vastly superior version of "Everlasting Night", so if the rest of the album even comes close to matching those heights I will be in 7th heaven! The official tracklist is below:

Free Your Love
Skin Deep
Love And Affection
I Got This Feeling
Let Love Into Your Life
Everlasting Night
Crazy For Your Love
Love In Me
Exclusively
Love Will Find A Way
Don't Wanna Leave You Now
Free Your Love (Remix)

This the first Dannii fan release that doesn't feel like a cheap X Factor cash-in and Nathan deserves a lot of credit for putting it together. I think I'm going to get a spray tan (setting - Kelly Llorenna orange) and wear a plunging V neck t-shit in his honour! "The 95 Sessions" is available to pre-order now from Play. I already know what I want for Christmas.

3 Words For Cheryl Cole: Go. Fuck. Yourself.

Listening to "3 Words" is only slightly more painful and humiliating than being punched in the face by a talentless media whore in a public toilet after being called a "jigaboo". Seriously, urban pop music hasn't sunk to these depraved depths since Damon Dash single-handedly destroyed Victoria Beckham's music career by convincing her to go street. I can't think of anything positive to say about "3 Words" - well, apart from the fact that it probably sets a new world record for the most copious use of autotune on a single recording. The racist from Girls Aloud proves once and for all that she is a delusional idiot suffering from a stunning lack of vocal ability and charisma. Cheryl has crafted what is possibly the worst album of all time (and that includes Cameron Daddo's country album) and I found the process of reviewing it to be a cruel and unusual punishment. Anyway, here are my brief thoughts on 2009's biggest turd:

3 Words (Featuring will.i.am) - 0/10

Who the fuck does this cunt think she is? Fergie? This dreary, mid-tempo urban pop duet sounds like something The Dutchess recorded when she was still on Meth and talking to washing machines. "3 Words" - a clear reference to the 'Ku Klux Klan' if ever I heard it - is utterly appalling. There's no chorus and no melody to speak of. All that's left is Cheryl's mercifully autotuned voice and some weak beats that were obviously too shit for "The E.N.D."

Parachute - 0/10

Oh lord. The world's worst singer has decided to rip off "Umbrella". I can't believe this hateful troll thinks she's in the same league as Rihanna. Where's Chris Brown when you need him to smack a bitch up? Honestly, this is just abysmal. Faux urban pop at its most derivative and dire.

Heaven (Featuring will.i.am) - 0/10

"I don't gotta die to get up to heaven. My heaven's wit choo!" Someone really needs to tell Cheryl that assaulting a black woman doesn't make her one. Bitch is from Newcastle not New York! This bland dirge is utterly pointless and more than a little embarrassing. What the hell has gotten into will.i.am? I think he's just decided to sabotage the racist's career by giving her all his worst tunes. When was this recorded? 2002?

Fight For This Love (AKA Fight For This Race) - 0/10

I've already said enough about 2009's most disturbing and appalling piece of propaganda for the White Supremacy movement. Bad lyrics, bad vocals and production recycled from Brandy circa 1997 equals putrid pop at its most empty and vile.

Rain On Me - 0/10

Seriously, I can't believe this tragic bitch ever got a record deal. Her voice is thinner than an extra sheer condom and leaves an even worse taste in your mouth. This mid-tempo misstep (produced by the usually reliable Wayne Wilkins) has absolutely nothing going for it. Even Shontelle would draw the line at this sad pile of wank.

Make Me Cry - 0/10

I'd love to see this racist bitch cry. It shouldn't be too hard. I'm sure she throws a tantrum every time Barack Obama comes on the telly and makes Ashley get extra nasty with his mobile phone before putting on "Birth Of A Nation" to calm her nerves. This is one of the few bouncy pop tunes on the album but it's completely destroyed by Cheryl's voice. It's also two minutes too long.

Happy Hour - 0/10

Is she referring to the moment this shit ends? Fantastic - more recycled urban beats and a migraine inducing sample. Who is this album's intended audience? Those tens of VB fans living in hope that her urban masterpiece will eventually leak in full? Or just deluded Girls Aloud fans who have regularly proven their willingness to buy any old shit? At least "Happy Hour" boasts some so bad they're almost amusing lyrics. "I realise some days I can be sweet and some I'm sour but I can't help but drink you up 'cause you're my happy hour" - I mean, really.

Stand Up - 0.5/10

Finally a cheap and cheerful dance number that wouldn't sound out of place on a Girls Aloud album. Co-written and produced by Taio Cruz (who is no stranger to polishing a turd), this is the album's best track but it's still sounds like an Agnes B-side. Forgettable but relatively inoffensive.

Don't Talk About This Love - 0/10

Oh hell, I'm really scared. This one note wonder is trying to sing a ballad. Jesus take the wheel and steer me clear of this crime against humanity. Computer says 'fuck no', deletes its hard drive and explodes in protest.

Boy Like You (Featuring will.i.am) - 0/10

How dare this cunt sample one of my favourite Fleetwood Mac songs? Stevie would never approve! Unfortunately that sample is the only good thing about "Boy Like You". Plodding beats pollute something that could have been remotely interesting. This sounds like an insipid attempt at mimicking the RedOne sound. I have officially lost all respect for will.i.am. This is just gross.

Heartbreaker (Featuring will.i.am) - 0/10

Oh great. It's the musical masterpiece that launched Cheryl's solo career. It was shit in 2008 and it's still shit now.

In conclusion, I would prefer to be slowly castrated by Jewel's crooked teeth and forced to read Ayn Rand for the rest of eternity than ever hear this musical abortion ever again.

The Lady GaGa Effect - Ke$ha + Lolene

Say what you like about Lady GaGa and her publicity whoring ways but it's impossible to deny the impact her success has had on the music scene. Since attaining the fame little over a year ago, the stunning beauty has turned electro-pop into a highly sought after commodity - opening the door for a whole new wave of dance divas. While some are happy to imitate (see Cascada's line for line remake of "Just Dance" otherwise known as "Evacuate The Dancefloor"), others (Eva Simons for example) have managed to put their own spin on the GaGa sound. The two ladies featured in this post definitely fall into the latter category. Ke$ha has been on my radar since actually making a Flo Rida song sound good. While her vocal on "Round Round" helped raise her profile, the 22 year old (in GaGa years?) looks set to hit the big time courtesy of the insanely catchy "Tik Tok". Ke$ha's anthem and video clip explore very similar territory to "Just Dance" and the track boasts some of the best/most dubious lyrics since "Poker Face" but it still sounds fresh and relatively original. "Tik Tok" is a winner largely due to Ke$ha's larger than life personality, the chunky beats and its universal theme. Who doesn't like alcohol and dancing? Given the quality of the songs on her Myspace, I'd say Ke$ha is here to stay. At least until the dance-pop revival runs out of steam or she stops sucking Diddy's cock.

The next beneficiary of Lady GaGa's success is the slightly demented Lolene. I love this crazy bitch but I seriously doubt she would currently be signed to Capitol Records if the fame monster hadn't paved the way first. In the past Lolene would have simply been too risqué for the masses but now her super sleazy image is a selling point. While the shy and retiring English diva shares some common ground with Lady GaGa, I don't think "Sexy People" will trouble "Bad Romance" on the charts. Lolene is quick to point out that this is just preview and not her official debut single but the video (below) is getting a lot of attention for all the wrong reasons. I love the fact that the film clip takes place inside Lolene's vagina and features a couple of drag queens who accidentally left their wigs and dresses at home but I seem to be in the minority. The song itself is a pretty standard dance anthem. It's catchy enough but lacks the bite of Ke$ha's hit. "Sexy People" is apparently not indicative of the rest of her album, which raises the question of why she bothered releasing it in the first place. Anyway, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. Anyone who calls their blog Lolene's Disco Vagina is alright by me!

Ness Ness At Number 1!

My copy of Vanessa's #1 smash hit

Bow down to Australia's new Queen of Pop! Tonight Vanessa Amorosi is celebrating the first #1 hit of her decade long career. It's hard to believe that modern classics like "Absolutely Everybody" and "Have A Look" stalled outside the top 5, so this is long overdue. The achievement is all the more impressive when you consider Vanessa's competition. "This Is Who I Am" had to outsell new releases from Britney and Robbie Williams - making it a rare triumph for good taste and talent! I'm so happy for Ness Ness. She's gone from strength to strength since staging her comeback and this cements her spot in the upper echelon of Australian pop. I've already written about my love for "This Is Who I Am" but I still can't get enough of it. There's just something ruthlessly catchy and uplifting about this tune. The lyrics are a raised middle finger to her haters (Ness don't care if she's fat or if you think her clothes are bad), Machopsycho's production steals every trick in Max Martin's book and she looks all kinds of sexy on the single cover! Shame about the tragic video (below) though. At least the scene where she's flying on a cloud is good for comedy value and I guess it's not her fault if CGI hasn't quite made its way to Australia. Anyway, congratulations Vanessa. You've come a long way from dancing around Liverpool Plaza!

Shakira's She Wolf - Album Review

As you can probably tell from some of my previous posts, I'm slightly obsessed with Shakira. "Laundry Service" remains one of my favourite albums of all time and I seem to be the only person who genuinely liked "Oral Fixation Vol. 2" - even though it failed to live up to the genius of Volume 1 (the sublime Spanish version). I was expecting huge things from her third English language album and Shakira delivers. Kind of. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE "She Wolf". It's one of the best pop albums you will hear all year (definitely in my top 5 for 2009 thus far) and it contains a handful of songs that rank right up there with "Día Especial", "Fool", "Las de la Intuición", "Underneath Your Clothes", "Te Dejo Madrid" and "Don't Bother" as Shakira classics. However, there is one major blight on this otherwise gorgeous set of pop tunes - the involvement of The Neptunes.

Pharrell seriously needs to back the fuck off before he drags any more divas into his web of urban mediocrity. At their best The Neptunes create fresh and interesting soundscapes that clearly inspire the people they work with (see Gwen's "Hollaback Girl" and Shakira's "Did It Again") but more often than not I hear the same old recycled beats and tired hooks (ie. Madonna's entire "Hard candy" album). The four (six if you count the Spanish versions) Neptunes produced tracks are not bad by any means. They just could have been recorded by any old skank. It's almost like Shakira has been lost in the process of making something American radio will play. Worse still, the songs don't sit very well with the rest of the album, which is adventurous, brave and eclectic - everything we've come to know and expect from Colombia's greatest export. Here's my review:

She Wolf - A+

I'm starting to feel just a little abused like a coffee machine in an office

I don't think anyone was expecting Shakira to return with a disco-tinged electro-pop anthem about lycanthropy and office furniture! It really shouldn't work (and sometimes I think it doesn't quite gel) but I love the track's eccentricity and fearlessness. Shakira isn't afraid to try new things and experiment with her sound. And her bravery is rewarded on this. John Hill's production carries the sometimes clumsy phrasing along perfectly and Shakira's lyrics and camp howls are an endless source of joy. Don't even get me started on the video, which is disturbs and amuses me in equal measure!

Did It Again - A+

Did it again
Damn, I got it all wrong
But it felt so right
I can't believe it

This song hits a little too close to home for me at the moment, which probably explains why I've played it about thirty times in the past 48 hours. Of all the Neptunes produced tracks, this is the clear stand out. "Did It Again" perfectly balances the electronic elements with small urban flourishes. The layering of beats and samples is dazzling and there are a million and one little hooks to draw you in. Best of all, this is still very much a Shakira song. Her confessional lyrics are perfectly showcased and her unique brand of melancholy is unmistakable. "Did It Again" reminds me of a slightly more upbeat version of Nelly Furtado's "Say It Right", which is a huge compliment.

Long Time - B-

Hold me, show me all the talent God has given you

I think I'm being overly generous giving this a B- (C+ would be more accurate) but it's inoffensive filler that happily bounces along like everything else The Neptunes have ever produced and I have a soft (hard?) spot for songs about frenzied fucking. I don't want to sound like a broken record but my problem with this is that it could have been recorded by anyone. There's not a reference to unshaved legs or a bad metaphor to be heard. Shakira is completely MIA.

Why Wait - B

Why wait for later?
I'm not a waiter

Everything that I said about "Long Time" basically applies to "Why Wait". The only reason I've given it a slightly higher rating is for the subtle Eastern elements that litter the track and for the chunkier beats. It's nice. It's just not Shakira.

Good Stuff - B+

I'm not gonna miss out on the good stuff
The grass is much greener with us on it

The last Neptunes production (phew!) is mercifully one of their best. "Good Stuff" is another club banger (in the American sense of the term) but what separates this from "Long Time" and "Why Wait" is the genuinely catchy chorus. I also love the quirky splashes of accordion and, if I'm not mistaken, I can even hear some tinkering on a xylophone! There's something wonderfully Latin about this track that should endear it to old school fans. Breezy and beautiful.

Men In This Town - A+

Where are all the men in this town?
What's a girl supposed to do?

Shakira, you're preaching to the choir. I've been asking myself the same question for years! Amazing and highly accurate lyrics aside, the great thing about "Men In This Town" is the fact that it represents the only truly electro track on the album. I can only imagine how brilliant "She Wolf" would have turned out if Shakira had pursued this sound further. It suits her perfectly and brilliantly showcases her quirky sensibility. John Hill's production is a revelation and I've decided that Kylie needs to hire him to helm "XI". By the way, am I hallucinating or does she really say "I never dreamed that I'd come here to be the next (Angelina) Jolie"?

Gypsy - A+

I'm a gypsy, are you coming with me?
I might steal your clothes and wear them if they fit me

Now this is an unexpected delight. Hiding among all the urban pop tunes and dance anthems is this sweet little guitar pop gem that wouldn't sound out of place on "Laundry Service" or "Oral Fixation Vol. 2". Co-written and co-produced by Amanda Ghost (who wrote "Disappear", "Ave Maria" and "Satellites" for Beyoncé's amazing "Sasha Fierce" album), "Gypsy" captures the essence of Shakira better than any other track on the album - perhaps with the exception of "Mon Amour". It's floaty, pretty, slightly weird and always engaging. I doubt this will ever be released as a single but it's already rocking the Shakira playlist on my Ipod.

Spy (Featuring Wyclef Jean) - B+

Blinds are see through
Let your mind go and imagine that I kiss you

Unfortunately, this is no "Hips Don't Lie". Instead of the upbeat party anthem I was expecting, "Spy" is a slinky urban groove about Shakira flirting with a stalker/peeping tom! It took a couple of listens but now I think it's great. The melody is gorgeous and I love the demented chorus. There's also a touch of old school R'n'B about this track, which makes it stand out from the rest of the album. Ba ba ba ba!

Mon Amour - A+

And I every night I pray that you don't knock her up
Cause I still want to be the mother of your child

What can you say about a song that opens with that couplet? Well, other than declare it a work of lyrical genius! "Mon Amour" reminds me a little of the hugely underrated "Hey You" from "Oral Fixation Vol. 2". It's bursting with crunchy guitars, drenched in ska and contains some of the best/worst lyrics ever recorded. The song even ends with Shakira welcoming passengers on a flight to hell! I love everything about "Mon Amour" and it makes me miss the slightly more varied sound palette of her old material. Again, it would be commercial suicide to release this as a single but I think it's essential Shakira.

Give It Up To Me (Featuring Lil Wayne and Timbaland) - F

You can go up my crane, girl
And imma go down that drain, girl

I should start by pointing out that this is mercifully not on the Australian or European versions of the album. It's a last minute addition to the delayed American release and according to reports will be the second single in America. This is a pathetic attempt to score a US hit and I can barely listen to the track without gagging on the stench of desperation. "Give It Up To Me" is little more than a rehash of Timbaland's "Give It To Me" with Shakira filling in for Nelly Furtado. The song is catchy as hell but Shakira is not a disposable urban nobody like Ciara or Keri Hilson. This is just demeaning.

Lo Hecho Está Hecho - A+

The Spanish version of "Did It Again".

Años Luz - B

The Spanish version of "Why Wait".

Loba - A+

"She Wolf" sounds even better in Spanish. Fact.

So where does that leave us? "She Wolf" is a fantastic album but it's not the triumph I was hoping for. It's definitely marked improvement on "Oral Fixation Vol. 2", I just wish Shakira had worked with John Hill on more tracks and left The Neptunes to aging has-beens like Madonna. My other concern is the lack of standout singles. There are at least half a dozen great songs but nothing I can imagine burning up the charts - perhaps with the exception of "Did It Again" and "Men In This Town" (at least in Australia and the UK). That has to be a worry for an album that was clearly constructed with the aim of being played on American radio. I still think "She Wolf" puts recent albums by Mariah, Britney and P!nk to shame - cementing Shakira's place near the top of the pop ladder. I just hope she's more true to herself next time around.