The Worst Singles & Albums Of 2009

Worst Albums Of 2009

1. 3 Words - Cheryl Cole

The racist from Girls Aloud was a runaway winner in this category. In fact, "3 Words" is quite possibly the worst album ever recorded. Who really wants to listen to a talentless white woman pretend to be Rihanna on a Shontelle sized budget? I'd rather watch Nicola Roberts change a tampon. The production is horrible, Cheryl's "voice" defies belief and will.i.am's involvement serves as a constant reminder that Fergie did this shit first and immeasurably better. "3 Words" is as fake and shallow as Cheryl. Avoid at all costs.

2. Paint Your Face - Sliimy

When Sliimy was described to me as 'the French Mika' my blood ran cold and I felt the urge to run to the nearest church and douche with holy water. Surely one closet case with a grating voice and shit songs is more than enough for the music industry? The answer, it seems, is no. I tried to keep an open mind but "Paint Your Face" is an unusually painful listening experience. Sliimy desperately tries to be quirky and ironic but comes across as derivative and pretentious. Mika's music occasionally has a childlike charm - this is just childish. Check out Sliimy's retched cover of "Womanizer" as exhibit A.

3. Echo - Leona Lewis

Oh joy, a new album from Leona custom designed to appeal to heavily medicated housewives from San Diego to Sydney. If you thought Horsey's last album was generic, wait until you hear this hideous collection of uninspired ballads and urban-lite pop tunes. "Echo" is the most gutless record of 2009. Everything is so polished and polite. It sounds like it was put together by a committee of middle aged record executives desperately trying and failing to appeal to everyone. Has the equally shit Alexandra Burke already made Leona redundant?

4. 1000 Stars - Natalie Bassingthwaighte

Not satisfied with ruining the formerly glorious Rogue Traders with her bad vocals and mutton dressed as lamb fashion sense, Natalie decided to further pollute the local pop scene with a solo album in 2009. The media whore bravely declared herself 'the new Kylie' but 'the new Cheyne' would have been more appropriate. I'm being too kind - Cheyne actually released a couple of decent singles. "1000 Stars" isn't a complete write off. A lot of very talented people contributed material to this album but Natalie has an uncanny ability to make great songs sound rubbish. The Steve Anderson penned "Supersensual" is the pick of the bunch by far.

5. Don't Stop - Annie

Norway's (least) favourite daughter compiles all her massive flops and leaked tracks on the shiteous "Don't Stop". Can someone please explain why this bitch is still making music? Richard X and Xenomania can polish Annie's turds all they like but the public has spoken and they're just not that into her. It could have something to do with the fact that she can't sing and has all the charisma of an ATM machine. It's time this soulless robot was sent to the scrap yard. Next!

6. Speak Love - Hugh Sheridan

The hot actor from Australia's highest rating TV show releases an album full of Michael Buble-esque ballads and (extremely) soft rock anthems just in time for Christmas. There's only one problem. He can't sing and no one bought it. Whoops.

7. Hands - Little Boots

This cunt. I've already written about the overhyped and uninspiring "Hands" here. When "Remedy" blew up in the UK (it turned out to be a grower) I decided to give Little Boots another chance but I can't get past my first impression that she's basically the British Natalie Bassingthwaighte - the latest in a long line of Z grade divas desperately trying to be the new Kylie. You know you're fucked when you have Greg Kurstin, Pascal Gabriel and RedOne produce your album and it still sells less than Peter Andre.

8. Differently - Cassie Davis

Cassie Davis is just a bit shit, isn't she? Her voice is grating, she looks like a Supré shop assistant and she released the least cohesive album in recent memory. "Differently" isn't awful (I own up to liking the title track) but Cassie has no idea who she is. One minute it's P!nk-lite, the next she's channelling Fergie. I'm all for variation but this whole album just feels incredibly forced. Better luck next time.

9. Rated R - Rihanna

Oh shut up! I'm sick of people telling me that "Rated R" is a misunderstood masterpiece that will stand the test of time. It's a gloomy batch of depressing slow jams with the occasional uptempo number thrown in to remind you how much fun Rihanna used to be before she decided to become an artiste and sing incredibly insightful songs about weaponry. Sure, the artwork is stunning but it's an album not a coffee table book and the songs are generally dire. The only exception is "Te Amo", which is the best dancehall stomper about a lesbian stalker ever recorded. I'm guessing.

10. Lady Love - LeToya

I've been a huge fan of LeToya's since Destiny's Child and was very excited about "Lady Love" after hearing the amazing "She Ain't Got Shit On Me". Unfortunately, the rest of the album is a cure for insomnia. LeToya's fans are paranoid that Matthew Knowles is sabotaging her career but she's doing a pretty good job of it herself by releasing this kind of sub-standard rubbish.

Worst Singles Of 2009

1. Fight For This Love - Cheryl Cole

Every copy sold comes with a free ticket to fiery depths of hell. Bon voyage!

2. Bodies - Robbie Williams

This shit makes "Rudebox" sound like "Rock DJ". The lyrics are ridiculous and someone forgot to write a chorus. Embarrassing! Time for Robbie to pull the plug and go back to UFO spotting.

3. Untouchable - Girls Aloud

Proof that Xenomania are officially running on empty - Exhibit 187B.

4. Happy - Leona Lewis

And the award for the year's most misleading song title goes to Leona. This line by line rehash of "Bleeding Love" is so dreary and mediocre even her hardcore fans drew the line at buying it.

5. Just Can't Throw Us Away - Hugh Sheridan

Throw it away, burn it, run over it in your car - just don't make the mistake of listening to it.

6. I'm Just Here For The Music - Paula Abdul

Selecting a six year old Kylie reject for your big comeback = further proof that important decisions shouldn't be made under the influence of Vicodin.

7. Russian Roulette - Rihanna

Extended exposure to "Russian Roulette" could throw Doris Day into a suicidal rage. Such a monumentally disappointing lead single.

8. Anthonio - Annie

Oh look, Annie's back to talk sing about a holiday romance over a lazy backing track that Richard X shamelessly stole from The Flirts. How edgy! If you want to hear Italo disco done properly check out Sally Shapiro's latest album. I guarantee there will be no turning back to this second rate trash.

9. Chillin' - Wale ft. Lady GaGa

Everything Lady GaGa touched in 2009 turned to gold. Except for this.

10. Forever Is Over - The Saturdays

You know something has gone incredibly wrong when you not only record a song Kelly Clarkson rejected but actually release it as your lead single.

11. Celebration - Madonna

As tired as the Material Girl's vagina.

12. Broken - Sam Clark

The final nail in the coffin for using Neighbours as a launching pad to a pop career. It was fun while it lasted.

13. 1000 Stars - Natalie Bassingthwaighte

This saccharine ballad perfectly showcases (the shortcomings of) Natalie's voice.

14. 3 - Britney

When is Britney going to stop recycling beats from "Blackout" and release something as good as "Lucky" or "Toxic" again? Probably never.

15. Mama Do - Pixie Lott

Mama please don't.

Pop Trash Woman Of The Year

Scarily - this is only part of my 'Sasha Fierce' collection!

With end of year 'best and worst of' countdowns sweeping the net (make sure you check out Adem With An E, Chart Rigger and Melismatic for starters), I thought it was about time I joined in. I'm still compiling my lists but there's one award that's a complete no brainer. Under normal circumstances I'd give this prize to Dannii for just getting out of bed and doing her hair. However, a strange thing happened in 2009. I finally saw the light and discovered the holy power of Beyjesus. After years of being frustrated by great singles and patchy records, everything just clicked. "I Am... Sasha Fierce" will not only go down as one of the best pop albums of the decade but also as one of the most influential. The only diva that came close to leaving a similar mark on 2009 was Lady GaGa. They both sold millions, scored endless hits and changed popular culture forever with their video clips and iconic images but Beyoncé also had a number one hit at the box office (with the god awful Obsessed), cleaned up at every award ceremony and revolutionised the way albums are promoted with her dual singles and 'Sasha Fierce' alter ego. The pop pioneer also somehow found the time to release a remix album and a live album as well as two brilliant duets (with Lady GaGa and Alicia Keys). Like it or not - 2009 was the year of Queen B.

Aus #3, NZ #2, UK #1, US #3

Aus #5, NZ #2, UK #7, US #1

I've never cared about chart success or critical acclaim (it's not like Dannii or La Toya have ever experienced much of either) but I respect what Beyoncé has achieved in the past year. It's hard to knock ten Grammy nominations and few acts in the history of music can boast 8 hit singles from the one album. That's not even mentioning her latest accolade. Beyjesus was recently named Billboard's top female artist of the decade and 4th overall. If you take into consideration that Destiny's Child came in 9th - she has a legitimate claim to being the most successful artist of the noughties. But whatever. Any old ho can sell records - just look at numbers 8, 14 and 17 on that list. I'm way more impressed by Beyoncé's impact on popular culture and the music industry - particularly with regard to the way albums are marketed and promoted. Pre-"Sasha Fierce" it was rare to go with different singles in different territories let alone release dual lead singles. Now it's almost standard practice.

Aus #40, NZ #26, UK #72, US #19

Aus #3, NZ #2, UK #4, US #5

You only need to look at Beyoncé's army of imitators. Take Rihanna. Not only does her new Grace Jones on steroids image reek of Sasha Fierce, she's also going with dual lead singles - one ballad and one uptempo. Sound familiar? At least she brought something new to the concept with her horror movie styling unlike Ciara (her ultra lame 'Super CiCi' persona was as big a flop as "Fantasy Ride") and J Lo (admittedly 'Lola' was stillborn out the oven and quickly scrapped). That's not even mentioning my favourite Beyoncé clone. Australia's own Jessica Mauboy is getting in on the act. Sony Australia have also been taking notes by re-releasing Jessica's album every second week and squeezing out single after single. I know it annoys some fans but I like having shit to collect and it's a legitimate way of making a return with album sales plummeting. However, the real legacy of "Sasha Fierce" isn't the way it was marketed but rather the song "Single Ladies". The video clip is already iconic, the dance routine has captured the imagination of everyone from Barack Obama to this fierce queen and the song has now been immortalised in Alvin & The Chipmunks 2. This is either the best or most disturbing thing I've seen all year.

Japan #3, NZ #11, US #39

Aus #2, NZ #1, UK #5, US #10

None of this would mean very much if the quality of the music didn't match the top notch styling and innovative marketing. A little over a year ago I reviewed "I Am... Sasha Fierce" and rather embarrassingly declared that the concept didn't work. I loved the songs but had issues with Beyoncé's split personality. I wanted a mix of both discs - pretty ballads with a sprinkling of fierce urban pop thrown in to spice things up. Unfortunately, the problem with writing reviews is the fact that you only get to listen to the album a couple of times before waxing lyrical about its genius or shortcomings. More often than not I can make up my mind after ten minutes but sometimes they take a while to get under your skin and it wasn't until early 2009 that I realised how very wrong I was. "Sasha Fierce" has been the soundtrack to my year. I just change the tracklist according to my mood. When I landed in hospital I played "Halo" on repeat for weeks (I really don't know why), when I was loved up I preferred "Smash Into You" and "That's Why You're Beautiful", when I broke up I moved on to "Disappear" and when I occasionally unleash my inner man whore I give "Ego" a spin. There's literally a song for every occasion!

Aus #14, Ger #14, UK #27

Aus #31, NZ #32, US #65

The amazing thing about "I Am... Sasha Fierce" is that it has continued to sell despite the worst single choices since Kylie's "X" debacle. Things started well with "If I Were A Boy", "Single Ladies" and "Halo" but it's all been down hill since there with the exception of "Sweet Dreams". "Ego", "Diva", "Broken Hearted Girl" and "Videophone" were all terrible choices that were only saved by remarkably good remixes. I could understand if there wasn't much to choose from but "Sasha Fierce" is an embarrassment of riches. "Radio" (a top 20 hit in Holland oddly enough!) is the most commercial pop song on the album and has hit written all over it. "Hello" (or "Hellllooooowww" as I like to call it) should have been a single. Even the hardcore fans don't seem to like this one but I think it's more addictive than heroin. As far as ballads are concerned "Smash Into You" is one of the prettiest songs I've ever heard, while "Disappear" and "That's Why You're Beautiful" are further proof of Beyoncé's stunning versatility. Hell, even the bonus tracks were better than some of the singles. It's frustrating but I'm also kind of glad that my faves haven't been played to death on the radio. Now they're just there for me and the 6 million or so other people who bought the album. I was going to finish this post with a video clip but I've decided to go with the cinematic highlight of 2009 instead. Beyoncé's trashtastic fight scene in "Obsessed" is a future cult classic - and a potent reminder not to fuck with B (or to let her act in any more movies)!

Kylie - Live In New York

I used to think there were two kinds of live albums. A select few give you a whole new insight into the artist, while the vast majority are best thought of as souvenirs for hardcore fans. In the past Kylie has delivered one of each. As far as I'm concerned 1998's "Intimate & Live" is an essential milestone in the pop icon's career. It's a vibrant snapshot of the diva at her most brave and creative. When friends question Min's artistic credentials I play them "Take Me With You" or "Free" and watch their jaws drop. The same can't really be said for "Showgirl Homecoming Live" - regardless of how much I love it. Sure, there are some gems (the original and BEST version of "White Diamond" and the truly epic mash of "Light Years" and "Turn It Into Love") but most of the time I just watch the DVD. After all, the concert was created as a visual extravaganza and it definitely loses something in translation. So to which category does the recently released "Live In New York" belong? Well, neither. It doesn't really offer anything new but it's bursting with such a sense of joy and occasion that it's impossible to resist. Think of this as a celebration for the singer and her fans alike - and as a perfect end to the (in my opinion) highly underrated and intriguing "X" era.

"For You, For Me" is only the second Kylie tour I've missed in the past 20 years (the other being 1991's UK only "Let's Get To It" extravaganza), so I can't comment on the dancers, costumes or special effects but the setlist is a pleasing hybrid of "Showgirl Homecoming" and "X2008". The highlights of "X" are carefully sprinkled between the legend's greatest hits - with a medley and a couple of mash-ups thrown in for good measure. You've basically heard it all before if you attended either of Kylie's previous tours but it must have been a heady mix for the Minogue starved American gays! The quality is uniformly excellent, so it's hard to pick favourites but I particularly love the new arrangement of "Confide In Me", while joyous renditions of "The One" (the lo-fi guitar intro is a great touch), "In My Arms" and "Wow" are a testament to enduring appeal of "X". However, if I had to choose the highlight of "Live In New York" it would be the "Everything Taboo" medley. This is a wet dream for old school fans. Time has not wearied the brilliance of "Shocked" and "What Do I Have To Do?" one iota, while "Spinning Around" always sounds remarkably better live (it's one of the very few Kylie songs that I absolutely hate).

Criticisms? Well, it's a scandal they didn't drag Jazzi P out of retirement to rap on the aforementioned rendition of "Shocked" but apart from that there's not a lot wrong with the album. I am slightly annoyed that Kylie's stunning US smash hit "All I See" missed the cut and I feel the urge to point out that the "Red Blooded Woman/Where The Wild Roses Grow" mash didn't work that well to begin with (and still sounds shit). If I was going to be an extremely picky bitch I'd complain about the increasingly tired jazz interpretations of "I Should Be So Lucky" and "The Locomotion" and express my annoyance at the omission of the amazing new track "Better Than Today". I assume that means it will be appearing on the diva's next studio album but I'll be writing a strongly worded letter to KDB Pty Ltd if it's discarded like "Flower", "Ruffle My Feathers" and the original "White Diamond"! However, all this nitpicking seems incredibly petty, particularly when you consider the album's greatest achievement - documenting the sense of celebration that permeates every second of the concert. Kylie is clearly having the time of her life and it's almost impossible not to go along for the ride. "Live In New York" is available to download from iTunes now.

An edit of Kylie's fabulous retro "Everything Taboo" Medley

Who Is This Kcunt?

Seriously, what's the deal with this bitch? I've been receiving e-mails about Kcat (pronounced Cat) from various digital media agencies for months and never felt the urge to give her a closer look - that is until I saw the highly glamorous cover of her new single "Boys Don't Cry". Given that stunning ensemble, I was half expecting/hoping for a brutal Hi-NRG cover of The Cure's 80s classic in the holy tradition of Kelly Llorenna but it's actually a rather catchy electro-pop anthem. The song itself is pleasant enough. It's the kind of slick, overproduced shit that will get the Pop Justice crowd lubing up for a circle jerk but I'm not blown away. I'm even more wary of her image, which is equal parts Lady GaGa and Little Boots... if they had been dressed by a colour blind transvestite. What the fuck is going on with her sequined eyebrows and snazzy headgear? La Toya called and wants her cap back! I genuinely can't make up my mind about this ho. What do my fellow trash connoisseurs think? I need guidance! Check out "Boys Don't Cry" below. The video is on the way.

Ness Ness & Her Hazardous 2nd Single

I just received the follow up to Vanessa Amorosi's stunning #1 platinum selling smash hit "This Is Who I Am" in the post (above). The thing is - I had no idea it had even been released! I'm not trashing the song (which is amazing) but where is the video clip and promotion? Hell, Vanessa is still busy performing "This Is Who I Am" on radio and television shows. It just seems a little rushed and I'm worried "Hazardous" will get lost in the evil vortex that is Christmas. I hope that doesn't happen because the Machopsycho produced pop-rock anthem is seriously brilliant. Those Swedes really dragged the best out of Ness. I love the catchy chorus and everyone can identify with the lyrics about craving something or, more specifically, someone bad for you. Universal have also put together a rather lovely physical single. The artwork is heaven and the tracklist is interesting. I really don't like the unfortunate dance remix (someone call in Tommy Trash - his overhaul of "Kiss Your Mama" is still a personal fave) but the "string remix" is quite pretty. However, the highlight is definitely a dark and dirty acoustic version of "This Is Who I Am". Ness Ness recently performed the song with a very similar arrangement at the AFI Awards, which you can check out below. The performance is stunning and Vanessa looks amazing but what the fuck is she wearing? The train on that skirt looks like it was dragged straight outta Muriel's Wedding. "Hazardous" is out now. I'll post the video as soon as it drops.

Chris Sorbello - "So Lonely" Video Shoot

I was lucky enough to crash be invited to the set of Chris Sorbello's "So Lonely" video shoot on Monday night and thought I'd post a couple of happy snaps. After the recent digital release of her taster EP (Hint: I'm told the free download will be taken down at any moment), Australia's latest electro-pop sensation is busy putting the finishing touches to her official debut single. "So Lonely" will be released by Ministry of Sound in February/March and has been given a complete overhaul by the brilliant Sam La More. I love the dreamy new mix. The icy beats come thick and fast without strangling the fragility and vulnerability that made the original leaked version a Myspace favourite. Given the hot line-up of DJs contributing remixes (Van She and Hook N Sling), expect to hear "So Lonely" burning up a dancefloor near you in the not too distant future.

Rehearsals

Ok, back to the video clip. I think it's going to be amazing. The sparse, futuristic look suits the song perfectly and I'm glad the PVC clad backing dancers from the showcase are making a return appearance. Chris looked absolutely stunning and nailed the dance routine take after take. In fact, I saw it so many times I think I know all the moves by heart! The great thing about Chris is the fact that she's not scared of pushing the envelope and some of her outfits will give Roisin Murphy couture envy. I also haven't seen that many pairs of crazy stilettos (below) since The Drag Bag closed down - the gays truly have a new icon! In all seriousness, noone else is making this kind of music in Australia at the moment or paying this much attention to styling and image, so I really hope it all pays off. I can't wait to see the finished product.

I'm In Love With Patricia Manterola

Things have been a little too high brow around here lately. As much as I love Alicia, Sia and Queen B... I'm starting to have trash withdrawals. So I racked my brains to find the trashiest diva currently burning up my Ipod and it was hard to go past Mexico's glorious Patricia Manterola. I've said it before but I swear Mexico is the Sweden of Latin America. That country churns out a seemingly endless supply of fabulous, upbeat pop tunes - mostly performed by busty ex-models/actresses with a penchant for wearing as little clothing as possible. In other words, it's my spiritual homeland and I'm already planning my first pilgrimage. Patricia will undoubtedly by high on my list of trashtastic divas to stalk if "Ya Termine" is reflective of her high musical standards. I've been in love with this brilliant electro-pop anthem for weeks and it just gets catchier with each listen. The chorus is gold and I love the GaGa-lite production. However, the song's biggest selling point is Patricia's unparalleled fierceness and the porntastic video clip (below). Any video that begins with the singer rolling around in bed with a smokin' hot shirtless man is fine by me, while Patricia's stunning array of skimpy bikinis and corsets will make strippers cry with envy. Bow down to a true trash icon.