All I See Is Red

You're looking at the cover of "All I See", to be released digitally on the 11th of March as the first American single from "X". Overlooking the lazy artwork (that picture has already been used twice!), it's a relief to finally have some concrete details. "All I See" is my favourite cut from "X" and surely the best choice to spearhead an American campaign. However, I'm appalled by the decision to pollute the song with a completely unnecessary rap interlude courtesy of Mims. I guess Baby Bash was busy.

The beauty of "All I See" is its ability to evoke memories of American pop before it succumbed to rent-a-rappers and soulless grooves. The rap doesn't destroy what is otherwise a perfect pop song but it leaves a sour taste in my mouth. In my opinion, Kylie's distinctly un-American pop sound is her biggest asset for a US campaign. It makes her stand out from the crowd, while Americanized Kylie just sounds like any other ho on the radio. What's next? "Wow" featuring T-Pain for US audiences? If this is just a ploy to get Kylie some US airplay, then so be it. I take some heart from the fact that the digital release appears to be the fantastic album version of "All I See". Hopefully sanity will prevail and we'll get the original version for the inevitable international release!

Oh, one last piece of Kylie news. According to my contacts, "In My Arms" will be the 3rd single in the UK and Australia - not "The One". I know some fans will be disappointed but I hope it's true. It would be a shame to waste "In My Arms" and they can always save "The One" for a later single. It just leaves the burning question - when is the hugely underrated "Stars" gonna get some loving?

Born This Way - Pall Oskar

In keeping with my Mardi Gras theme, today's subject is the reigning queen of the European gay pop scene. If Iceland's Pall Oskar were any more out of the closet, he'd be in outer space! Loud, outspoken and extremely camp - Pall has been winning fans around the world since first coming to fame as a Eurovision contestant in 1997. He might have only placed 20th in his heat but his outrageous performance (accompanied by a group of PVC clad sluts) left a lasting impression. Over the past decade, Pall has become a national hero in Iceland and a familiar face at Pride events across Europe.

As much as I enjoy Pall's latest album (check out this camp delight!), I find the language barrier too overwhelming. I'm sure I'd appreciate the music a lot more if I had some idea what he was singing about. I guess that's the reason why I'm still so enamoured by Pall's 1999 English language debut, "Deep Inside". The album is a brash portrait of gay life, from the bitter ( the touching "No One To Love") to the sweet. My favourite cut is the bright and shiny pop explosion, "Born This Way". This strikes me as the ultimate Mardi Gras anthem - an unapologetic declaration of self-acceptance. Be warned, this tune is gayer than Kylie and Dannii rollerskating past a Streisand concert!

If you think "Born This Way" is the pinnacle of fabulousness, check out Pall's amazing Dionne Warwick drag act (below)! I was stunned by the physical transformation and the uncanny performance. I'm completely mesmerised by his faithful rendition of "I Say A Little Prayer". I hope Pall brings out an entire album of swinging Bacharach & David covers. Check out Pall's Myspace for more information and order his music from here. Mardi Gras really needs to import this fabulous fag for next year's event!

The Delightful Donna Lynton

With Sydney's Mardi Gras season in full swing, I've decided to spend this week focusing on some of the campest anthems in my collection. Two of my favourite slices of poofter pop come to you courtesy of Holland's finest disco diva - the extremely fabulous Donna Lynton. I guess you could say that Donna is the Dutch Marcia Hines - an American expat who discovered fame in her adopted homeland courtesy of a brilliant voice and some extremely fabulous tunes.

Donna spent the early part of the 1970s touring with a late incarnation of the legendary girl group The Ronettes. In 1976 Donna married a Dutchman and moved to the Netherlands, where she quickly established herself as a local star, largely thanks to her discotastic Theme From Charlie's Angels. As fabulous as that song is, the best was yet to come. By 1982 disco was all but dead - everywhere it seems except groovy Holland. Donna's first Dutch album, the classily titled "Prima Donna", contains two of my favourite disco anthems. I haven't heard the whole album but I can only imagine how brilliant it is if "Bridge Of Love" and "Passion For Paris" are any indication.

"Bridge Of Love" is the ultimate camp delight. From the opening horns to the ridiculous lyrics about building "a bridge of love across the sea", this fabulous anthem makes me swoon. Donna's fierce vocals and the song's booming chorus are just two reasons why this is one of the underrated gems of the entire 1980s. Close your eyes and you can see the spinning disco balls! "Passion For Paris" is just as delicious. Donna's ode to French nightclubs not only contains the immortal line "I'm feeling Ooh la la for France!" but generally rips off "Lady Marmalade" in the most exquisite way. The "Paris is burning in my soul" refrain, in particular, is just divine. These two tunes are guaranteed to light up any dancefloor!

Like most disco queens, Donna's string of hits came to an abrupt halt in the mid-1980s. However, this diva soldiered on - singing at parties and on luxury cruises until making a comeback in 2004 thanks to a tv appearance. Donna has since formed a Supremes tribute act and currently has a role in the Dutch production of "Fame". If you're still not convinced about Donna's unparalleled fabulousness check out the amazing clip below. 55 year old Donna whips at least 20 fans into a frenzy with a stunning rendition of "I've Got The Music In Me" at a Dutch shopping centre. Lovely Donna works the crowd like the old pro that she is - dancing with the security guard is a particularly classy touch! I'm forever grateful to my friend Jeroen for bringing this magnificent diva to my attention.

Risk It For A Biscuit

The music industry could show the rest of the business world a thing or two about recycling. I'm not talking about the rampant sampling that goes on or the flood of cover versions but the popular practice of reviving old ideas. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Take the UK's fabulous new girlband Electrovamp - they strike me as the reincarnation of Shampoo with a touch of Daphne & Celeste thrown in for good measure. We've heard it all before but in comparison to their lacklustre pop contemporaries, Electrovamp sound positively groundbreaking. Despite a mixed response to their debut single in the UK, "I Don't Like The Vibe In The VIP" has been picked up for an Australian release - probably to cash in on the success of another electropop duo, The Veronicas. Yes, familiarity is a highly prized commodity in the pop world!

Electrovamp are two naughty teenage sisters from Cardiff. I can't find a lot of information about Tammy and Kally on the net but it appears they previously performed under the name Cookie and Kute - and suffered the indignity of supporting Sluts Aloud on their "Waking Up The Neighbours" tour. In fact, there is more than a touch of Xenomania about "I Don't Like The Vibe In The VIP". The formulaic beats, pounding bass and guitar are all on display. Thankfully, the song is saved from being another electro-bore by the fun lyrics and Electrovamp's cheeky attitude. The dirty dollies chirp "I'll be your schoolgirl dream" before promising "I'll make you scream like you ain't done it in ages!" This is exactly the kind of cheerfully tawdry filth Shampoo would be making if they were still around today. As much as I like the song, the video (below) sealed the deal for me. Girls flashing their tits, a lesbian orgy in the pool, coke snorting and simulated oral sex - for a while there I thought I was watching an episode of "Skins"!

"I Don't Like The Vibe In The VIP" is released in Australia on the 3rd of March. You can pre-order your copy here. I particularly like the Jack Rokka mix, which you can hear on Electrovamp's myspace.

Toy Toy's Trashy Duet

It's time for a trash flashback! With the release of "Thriller 25" and the impending arrival of Janet's latest porn soundtrack, I've got to thinking about my favourite Jackson - holy Toy Toy. People always think I'm being sarcastic when I declare my love for La Toya but I'd easily rank her as one of my 10 favourite divas - top 5 if the lazy bitch would hurry up and release something new. As a pop trash icon, Toy's fabulousness is unparalleled. While other divas have thrown in the towel, La Toya has weathered a 30 year career of flops and failures with the determination of a mule. None of Toy Toy's 10 stunning albums have produced any hits but she keeps on rolling with the punches. Today I'm going to focus on one of Toy's most outrageous career lows - her trashtastic duet with Tom Beser, "Don't Break My Heart".

By 1997 La Toya was at an all time low (even by her standards). She had finally escaped from an abusive husband only to discover that she was a virtual leper in the US. So La Toya turned to Europe, where she could still trade off her surname. Never one to take a lucky break, poor Toy Toy ended up on the books of Tom Beser - a German producer of some disrepute. Tom tried to drum up publicity by claiming he had sex with Toy and allegedly conned her into a German club tour on the pretext of carrying out charity work. La Toya eventually came to her senses and left the project. Most producers would have called it a day but Tom pressed ahead, releasing their duet in 1998. To cover the absence of his duet partner, Tom simply hired a La Toya impersonator for live appearances!

Amazingly, "Don't Break My Heart" isn't a complete disaster. In fact, far from it. I love the tacky Euro-pop production and La Toya's stunning vocals are always sweet music to my ears. The whole damn thing is actually pretty catchy. The chorus is great and Tom's mind boggling "rap" is more amusing than it is embarrassing. I can't help but feel "Don't Break My Heart" would have at least been a small hit without Tom's unusual approach to promotion. Fans of cheap and cheerful Euro-pop should find a lot to like about this trashy gem. Enjoy!

The Rhythm When You're Dancin'

Today marked the arrival of Kylie's 45th Australian single (46th if you include the 1999 re-release of "Better The Devil You Know"). I always get excited about adding to my Kylie collection but "Wow" makes a particularly fabulous addition. From the very first listen, "Wow" is quintessentially Kylie. Dannii's desperate and dateless sister doesn't have the best voice in pop and, lord knows, she isn't the greatest dancer but no other diva comes close to matching her ability to churn out three minutes of pure pop perfection. "Wow" is a great example of what Kylie does better than anyone else. Reminiscent of her finest SAW material in its charming simplicity, the only purpose of this fabulous piece of fluff is to put a smile on your face and get your feet moving.

"Wow" is not only Kylie's best single in many a year, the entire package is flawless. The Australian cover (above) is beautiful and the remixes are impressive. Better yet are the magnificent B-sides. "Carried Away" heralds the return of Trash Kylie, who has sadly been missing in action since "Light Years". This fabulous slice of Euro-dance boasts an exquisite chorus, cheerfully demented production and wonderfully dubious lyrics. The second B-side is just as good. "Do It Again" is Kylie's gayest offering since "Your Disco Needs You". I love the craptastic sound effects and the divine spoken interlude. Both tracks were written and produced by the team behind "Wow" and they all share the same joyous sensibility.

In addition to the physical single there are three digital bundles available on Australian iTunes. One bundle contains the "Wow" remixes, another bundle serves up an excellent mix of "2 Hearts", while a third collects the B-sides. That bundle includes the download only B-side "Cherry Bomb". I prefer "Carried Away" and "Do It Again" but "Cherry Bomb" is superior to the other Bloodshy & Avant produced tracks on "X" ("Speakerphone" and "Nu-Di-Ty"). Time to get downloading!

U-Turn (Burn Motherfucker Burn)

Valentine's Day is a cruel and unusual punishment for those getting over a bad relationship. Since kicking my ex-boyfriend to the curb, I've bounced from one loser to the next. I'm sure there are some decent men left in Sydney but I'm damned if I can find them among the fetishists, drug dealers and "straight acting" bi-guys littering the scene. Excuse my rant but it's hard to get excited about a day that celebrates romance when you know you're going to end up a barren, old spinster like Kylie! I can deal with the loved up couples and the knowledge that the only cock I'll be getting my hands on tonight is my own but hearing sappy love songs on the radio all day is more than I can stand. Thankfully there is a perfect antidote to the schmaltzy ballads in the form of Samantha Malmgren's stunning "U Turn".

"U Turn" was recommended to me by the lovely Poster Girl, who correctly assumed that Samantha's classy anthem would be right up my alley! As far as I'm concerned, the demure Ms Malmgren is the most fabulous diva to emerge from Sweden since my beloved Bionda. After crashing out of Swedish Idol, Sam followed the well worn road of many a tragic diva and got her kit off for a men's magazine (in her case, the charmingly titled "Slitz"). Samantha's raunchy image resulted in a record deal and she is currently shaking up the Swedish pop scene with her breathtaking debut single. "U Turn" is an attitude laden pop gem. I love the foulmouthed chorus ("burn, motherfucker, burn"!) and Sam's emotionless delivery. Apart from helping the bitter and disenchanted through Valentine's Day, "U Turn" also happens the best workout song I've heard in ages. That pumping dance beat makes me want to move! The video is particularly amusing - Sam discovers her boyfriend cheating on her so she takes up boxing, prances around in a leather bodysuit and heads to his house with a samurai sword. The big finale is ambiguous but I think she takes that cheating scumbag out!

I have no idea if "U-Turn" was a hit - or has even been officially released in Sweden - but apparently Samantha is promoting the song at erotic festivals held by "Slitz" magazine! This fierce bitch had better hurry up and release an album. I'm hooked! Many thanks to Poster Girl for sharing this musical triumph with me.