Sometimes my mind works in mysterious ways. Last night I was lying in bed listening to a Freestyle playlist on my Ipod, which got me thinking about Brenda K. Starr. When I think of that legendary Freestyle icon, my mind always wanders to Mariah. As any Lamb worth their Hello Kitty screensaver and Jennifer Lopez voodoo doll will tell you, Brenda played a huge role in launching Mimi's career by slipping her demo tape to Tommy Mottola at a party in the late 80s. That put me in the mood for some vintage Mariah and I spent the rest of night re-visiting favourites from her self-titled debut all the way through to 1999's trashfest "Rainbow". I then had the brainwave of putting together a list of her ten best singles from the 90s, which would be an easy task for most fans but I'm a relatively late convert. In fact, I genuinely disliked Mariah at the peak of her popularity. Probably due to the fact that overblown ballads generally make me want to vomit and because my mum, like every other Australian housewife in the mid-90s, played "Music Box" on repeat for at least a year. I'm still haunted by visions of her driving me to school singing along to "Without You" at the top of her lungs! Anyway, I know everyone will have their own opinions on this but here are my 10 favourite Mimi anthems from the 90s.
10. I Still Believe (Video) (1999 - US #4, UK #16, AUS #54)
Speaking of Brenda K. Starr, Mariah paid tribute to her mentor by covering the diva's biggest hit on her "#1s" compilation album. I'm not a huge fan of Mimi's power ballads but this is definitely one of her best. "I Still Believe" is less overwrought than most of her earlier efforts, turning in one of the best vocal performances of her career. That said, Brenda's version is still better.
Not only is this the best song ever recorded about the sweet taste of cum, it also represented a turning point in Mariah's career - when she ditched the granny ballads, squeezed into the shortest skirt she could find and decided she was black. Basically, it was the moment I realised I loved her. The video was also a work of genius. Mimi camping it up on a jet ski before rolling around with that hunk on the beach was truly a sight to behold. A camp classic.
8. All I Want For Christmas Is You (Video) (1994 - US #86, UK #2, AUS #2)
Releasing a Christmas cash-in is a fairly stale marketing technique for desperate (and usually washed up) pop stars. Sure, they usually sell a few copies but how many stand the test of time? I can think of The Weather Girls' "Dear Santa" and Wham's "Last Christmas" from the 80s and "All I Want For Christmas Is You" from the 90s. That's all. It speaks volumes for the song's catchy chorus and camp appeal that Mariah's anthem still charts every December. Check out the trashtastic 2009 dance remix to celebrate the song's 15 year anniversary!
7. Heartbreaker (Feat. Jay Z) (Video) (1999 - US #1, UK #5, AUS #10)
"Rainbow" is generally accepted by fans as the era when Mimi musically jumped the shark but it has more than its fair share of guilty pleasures. I loved the album's lead single then and I still do. Mariah had dabbled in urban beats before but this was the beginning of her rent-a-rapper period and "Heartbreaker" worked surprisingly well. I love the bouncy production and the chorus is pretty irresistible. Furthermore, anything tragic enough to sample Stacy Lattisaw's ode to aliens "Attack Of The Name Game" and feature Jay Z's worst rap ("she wanna answer the phone, tattoo her arm, that's when I gotta send her back to her mom") is OK by me. By the way, was this the #1 hit that Columbia Records bought by selling the single for 50 cents or was that "Loverboy"? I get confused...
As much as I hated Mariah's mid-90s power balladry, it was impossible to refute the poptastic brilliance of "Fantasy". This was Mimi at her most upbeat and fabulous. Sure, the track shamelessly rips off Tom Tom Club's "Genius Of Love" but it's a killer beat that was begging to be sampled. I thought the diva had finally ditched the granny ballads and staked her claim as Paula Abdul's natural successor but "Daydream" turned out to be even more boring than "Music Box". At least this stunning disco throwback made the album a little more bearable.
5. Emotions (Video) (1991 - US #1, UK #17, AUS #11)
1991's "Emotions" is easily my favourite early Mariah album. It was much more fun than her debut and infinitely less formulaic than mega-sellers "Music Box" and "Daydream". A lot of the credit has to go to David Cole and Robert Clivillés, better known to 90s pop fans as C&C Music Factory. They produced most of the album's highlights ("You're So Cold" and "To Be Around You" come to mind) as well as the title track and another little gem that I'll come to later. I love the unexpected disco influence on this anthem and Mariah's dog whistle never sounded more fabulous. A 90s pop classic.
4. Always Be My Baby (Video) (1996 - US #1, UK #3, AUS #17)
I'm always surprised when fans pinpoint this as Mimi's first taste of hip hop because it strikes me as pure pop. Is it because the fat dwarf that married Janet Jackson produced it or because the song was nominated for a Best Female R&B Vocal Performance at the Grammys? Regardless of its genre, "Always Be My Baby" stood out as the shining gem on "Daydream" from the very first listen. I love the catchy vocal hooks ("do do do do dum") and cute chorus. Just don't pay too much attention to the delusional lyrics. He won't always be your baby. More likely he's moved on and can't even remember your name. Stop lying to us, Mariah!
3. Butterfly (Video) (1997 - US Did Not Chart, UK #22, Aus #27)
This is just beautiful. Well, apart from the horse porn video which puts Britney's "Radar" to shame and finds Mariah running around a field looking like Nell in bad lingerie. "Butterfly" wasn't a big hit for Mimi - it didn't even chart in America (although I think that was due to stupid chart rules as opposed to actual popularity) - but to this day it remains one of my favourite ballads. The pretty lyrics are perfectly balanced against her delicate vocal delivery and the song packs a genuine emotional punch. Probably because it was written during the breakdown of her first marriage. I know some people find this saccharine but I just think it's gorgeous.
2. Someday (Video) (1991 - US #1, UK #38, AUS #44)
Someone needs to build a time machine and bring back new jackswing Mariah. Bitch was fierce! "Someday" was apparently one of the five songs on the demo tape Brenda K. Starr slipped Tommy Mottola. He must have seen dollar signs flash in front of his eyes because this is one hell of a pop tune. I love the bad boyfriend lyrics and the jackswing beats are a nice touch. If only Mimi had followed this route instead of wasting all those years having massive hits with cures for insomnia like "Hero", "Without You" and "Open Arms". Sure, she'd probably be back singing back-up for Brenda but I have no doubt she'd be an even bigger Pop Trash Addicts icon than she is already!
1. Make It Happen (Video) (1992 - US #5, UK #17, AUS #35)
Dance beats and gospel music don't usually make the best bedfellows but C&C Music Factory and Mariah concocted the perfect formula on 1992's "Make It Happen". Rolling Stone dismissed it as an "obnoxious self-help dance track" but does all inspirational music have to be deathly boring? You could never accuse the song of being subtle but I love the message and Mimi's earthy vocal delivery. For pure comedy value, check out a very drunk looking Mariah destroy "Make It Happen" on American TV last year and compare it with this blissful performance (below) from the inaugural 1998 Divas concert. They are both fabulous... just for very different reasons.
I've always thought that casual Mariah fans generally fall into two distinct camps - those who love her 90s power ballads and those who lap up her trashy pop tunes. If that's true, "Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel" will disappoint just about everyone as the album is almost exclusively comprised of R'n'B tinged slow jams. I really don't know what Mimi what thinking. What would "Daydream" be without the pure pop of "Fantasy" or the overblown balladry of "One Sweet Day"? How insipid would "Music Box" sound if "Dreamlover" and "Hero" had been left on the shelf? It's like Mariah has turned her back on what she's really great at in a feeble attempt to please everyone. The result is one of the diva's least appealing albums despite the fact that it contains a handful of excellent tracks. Say what you like about the much maligned "E=MC2" but nothing on "Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel" even comes close to matching the insanely catchy groove of "Migrate" or the disco-pop explosion of "I'm That Chick".
However, it's not all bad. Despite never really getting out of second gear musically, Mimi's 12th opus is something of a concept album and as such, is curiously riveting (if you've just swallowed a mouthful of Valium). The title says it all. Each song plays like a diary entry. There are tracks about the beginning of relationships, make ups, break ups and everything in between. I've always thought that Mariah is a hugely underrated lyricist and I love entering her Hello Kitty decorated world of shameless schmaltz and so bad they're amazing metaphors. As someone who has spent more than their fair share of time on the dating rollercoaster, I found myself identifying with the lyrics more often than I'd like to admit. I just wish Mimi had mixed it up more instead of compiling what is basically 13 versions of the same song with different words. Nevertheless, I'll be importing four or five songs into my Mariah playlist and I'm sure the inevitable remixes will help polish the rest of the turds. Here is my track by track review:
Betcha Gon Know (B+) The album's opening track sets the tone for the rest of the proceedings. It's a fairly average slow jam covered in The-Dream and Tricky Stewart's grubby fingerprints. I used to think The-Dream was one of urban music's most interesting producers but this album has left me thinking he's almost as artistically barren as Stargate. Thankfully, the song is saved by Mimi's emotionally charged lyrics. I love songs with a storyline and listening to Mariah discover her man in bed with another woman is strangely voyeuristic. I also love bit where she declares the story "Oprah Winfrey whole segment for real (for real), 20/20 Barbra Walters for real (for real)". I want to know how Mimi sorted this punk out!
Obsessed (A) I think I'm the only blogger who loves "Obsessed". There's something hypnotic about the beats and the lyrics never fail to put a smile on my face. The song should be re-named "How Mimi Got Her Swagger Back" because this is Mariah at her most egotistical and fierce. After all, she is a corporation/press conference! A lot of fans moaned about the autotune but it comes as a sweet relief among the rest of the bogus mid-tempo grooves. I have a feeling this will sound terribly dated in a couple of years but for now it's one of the album's few fun, semi-upbeat tunes and deserves to be appreciated. It goes without saying that the remixes (particularly the Cahill Club Mix) are fabulous.
H.A.T.E.U. (A+) The title had me worried. I was expecting a text speak urban opus but was surprised to hear one of Mariah's prettiest mid-tempo ballads. This is one of the few examples of The-Dream getting the production just right. The track is crisp and clean with a multitude of little hooks and flourishes. Best of all, the focus is squarely on Mariah's vocal performance, which probably ranks as her best on the album. I love the lyrics. Who hasn't experienced the emotion of trying but failing to hate someone at the end of a relationship? "H.A.T.E.U." is effortlessly pretty and should be high on the list for the album's third single.
Candy Bling (C-) After starting off promisingly with three relatively strong tracks, "Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel" starts its slide into R'n'B mediocrity with the tuneless trainwreck that is "Candy Bling". If the prospect of hearing Mariah whisper over a generic urban beat floats your boat, then knock yourself out. Personally, I'd rather watch "Glitter" on repeat. Oh who I am kidding! "Glitter" is one of my favourite movies but this song is shit. The only interesting thing about it is the sample of Ahmad's 1994 hit "Back In The Day".
Ribbon (B) I hope the rumours of this being a future single are false. There's nothing amazing (or awful for that matter) about "Ribbon" - it's just so bland and disposable. The production is straight from The-Dream's recycled ideas basket and the lyrics are completely meaningless. I do like the layered vocals and any song that uses the word "Boo" gets my seal of approval but with the exception of Mariah's dog whistle at the end, "Ribbon" is pretty mediocre.
Inseparable (C+) Like all the songs that come before and after it, "Inseparable" is a pleasant enough mid-tempo urban jam but you know the song is a write off when the most interesting thing about it is the fact that it rips of Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time". The beats plod along aimless and the vocal is quite irritating. I love Mariah's weird whistles and vocal gymnastics but when she gets stuck in the high register I just want to turn the volume down and take an aspirin.
Standing O (A+) Thank fuck! Just when I starting to fall into a boredom induced coma, Mariah delivers one of the album's best tracks. There's something truly universal about a good break-up song and "Standing O" is surprisingly bitter and cutting - which just makes it all the better. I love the staccato beats and the bitchy lyrics ("round of applause to the biggest fool in the world, give 'em all you got and they still ride out into the sunset with the next girl"). Best of all is the genuinely catchy chorus. This should be a future single. "Standing O" has a rawness that the rest of the album is missing.
It's A Wrap (D-) You know a song is fucked when the most interesting thing about it is the sound of champagne being poured in the intro. On the bright side, I'm guessing this is a bona fide cure for insomnia.
Up Out My Face (A+) Hell, yes! This is more like it. Think of "Up Out My Face" as the flip side of "Standing O". Instead of Mariah being the dumpee, this time she's kicking her useless man to the curb and using some of the best lyrics of 2009 to do it. Mimi deserves a Grammy for the line "if we were two Lego blocks even a Harvard University graduate in class of 2010 couldn't put us back together again" alone. That shit gives me the giggles every time! It's a treat to hear a semi-uptempo track, particularly one with a bit of venom and attitude. With a decent remix this could be burning up gay clubs across the globe in the not too distant future.
Up Out My Face (The Reprise) Hasn't Janet Jackson proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that interludes are always a bad idea?
More Than Just Friends (B-) Another nice, if totally forgettable slow jam. I like the sample of Biggie's "One More Try" (which in turn samples DeBarge's "Stay With Me") but the track is still DOA. I think The-Dream and Tricky Stewart deserve a lot of the blame. I hate it when producers try to suffocate an artist in their sound (see Timbaland/Madonna on "Hard Candy") instead of tailoring the beats to an artist's existing style (see Timbaland/Nelly Furtado on "Loose"). This just sounds like every other record The-Dream has ever produced and Mariah deserves better than a Christina Milian B-side.
The Impossible (C-) Yawn. This is just lazy. An incredibly annoying guitar loop and stupid lyrics about loving someone "like free money" do not a good song make. Who exactly is this song aimed at? Old Lambs suffering from marijuana psychosis? This could have easily been a big ballad but Mimi all but whispers the words until the last verse. It's nice that she's trying to show restraint but this is ridiculous.
The Impossible (The Reprise) Next!
Angel (Prelude) These interludes are seriously annoying.
Angels Cry (A+) I know it's pure schmaltz and completely ridiculous but I love this cheesy shit. It's the closest thing to an old school ballad and stands out like a sore thumb on the album. The lyrics are completely over the top but they appeal to the hopeless romantic in me. "Angels Cry" is the kind of even too cliched for Hallmark rubbish that would make me cry if I someone sent it to me. It's nice to hear Mariah finally sing for a change instead of whispering. This is probably the only song (with the exception of the Foreigner cover) that will appeal to Mimi's army of housewife fans. Perhaps dusting it off as a Christmas single would be wise.
Languishing (The Interlude) Now this is just getting vindictive.
I Want To Know What Love Is (B-) I want to love this. On paper it sounds like a great idea. Mariah + choir + 80s classic should equal worldwide #1 smash. Instead it comes off as completely stale and boring. Where is the emotion? Where is the huge vocal delivery that fans have come to know and love? Why does she sound so utterly fucking bored? On the bright side, this is the only song on the album where you can actually hear musical instruments so I guess that's something. A disappointing end to a disappointing album.
I really can't believe this is the 20th Pop Panel. I'll do something a bit special to celebrate that semi-disturbing achievement next week but I'm still buzzing about actually having a great winner for a change. My faves don't usually win but they came in first and second this week, so I think I should go and buy a lottery ticket. As for the rest of the field, well it's pretty fucking boring. Particularly the disgusting excuse for a pop star that came in last. Seriously, I'll need to disinfect Pop Trash Addicts after featuring that SKANK WHORE on my blog! Ok, rant over. The following bloggers helped me determine our 20th single of the week:
Ken's blog is treasure trove of news, information and fabulous pop reviews. I highly recommend it to everyone! As usual, the results are ranked from lowest to highest.
The biggest CUNT in pop finally releases her long threatened KKK approved debut solo single.
D'Luv: Christ. I finally have to sit down and listen to this song? Oh, wait — she's wearing vinyl leopard print. Ah, well... Not bad. Somewhere between boring and brilliant. 3/5 Ken: Oh oh, Cheryl. I've been a solid fan of Girls Aloud from the beginning but I'm surely not sure about Cheryl going solo. As I've said before, the single doesn't give anything but a generic love pop song. It's definitely not something we'd be stunned or shocked about it being so unique and fresh. The video is good but it's still very uncertain of her eligibility for solo superstardom. 3/5 Mike: How many black toilet attendants had to be beaten in order to make this utterly vile piece of trash? I'm disgusted and appalled by each and every second of this monstrosity. -5/5 Paul: Well, she may well be my least favourite Girls Aloud but I really was expecting this to be a lot better than it is. I would have begrudgingly admitted that she had done quite well and probably secretly enjoyed the song. This though, well it's just so bleh. Just putters along as Cheryl tries ever so hard to sound a bit R'n'B and gruesomely fails. The lyrics might have connected a lot better with the public if she had released it 2 years ago when Ashley was wanging his knob around town. Dull, dull, dull - although an excellent choice of comeback song (along with "Beat Again") for Chris Brown... 1.5/5 Poster Girl: There's definitely something sweet about this American-sounding pop-R&B song, right down to the music box notes that creep in to join the synths, but joined with Cheryl's voice, it comes across as pretty blandness. Of course, if Jesse McCartney released it, I'd probably be raving about it. 2/5 Rob: I love this. It's clear Cheryl has realized what she can do and more crucially what she can't. This slice of urban-lite pop will go down well today but if you listen to the No Angels new album you'll realize this might be been one of their rejects. It's nothing unique, original or special but it's sweet and isn't as offensive as it could have been. 4/5 Tommie: Ugh, where did this talentless WHORE find this track? In Madonna's "wanna-sound-like-Rihanna" reject bin? WHOREribble. "Fight For KKK" has to be the worst track ever! -5/5 Total: 3.5/35
X Factor rejects follow up their #1 hit "Beat Again".
D'Luv: Abysmal. 0.5/5 Ken: I'm actually not surprised on how this one sounds. I unconditionally love 'Beat Again' before and I have to admit, I've already been a fan of them after just one single. The outcome of the song is actually very predictable, you know, the typical 'boy band' song that they should sing. This is the epitome of what a boy band should be nowadays if they want recognition. I so want JLS to succeed and I think 'Everybody In Love' is a brilliant choice. 4/5 Mike: And I thought "Beat Again" scraped the bottom of the barrel. 0/5 Paul: Ah, for me, the real winners of last years show. "Beat Again" wasn't anything outstanding but it was slickly produced and eminently likeable. And so is this although far more generic boyband than "Beat Again" was. There's nothing wrong with this track per se and I do like it a lot, but I can't help but feel they could have done something a bit more daring. Marvin's arms in the video though?! Humina humina humina! 3.5/5 Poster Girl: "Everybody In Love" sounds like a song I'll have forgotten or be mixing up with other songs in a couple of years, but I wouldn't rush to change the radio station if it came on. Still, is it so much to ask for a boy band whose music is exciting? 3/5 Rob: Another Level anyone. Boring. 0/5 Tommie: I'm sure the teenage girls will cream their panties over this, but it's really not for me. It does remind me a bit of that 90s boyband sound though... 2/5 Total: 13/35
The lead single from the Canadian crooner's latest offering.
D'Luv: Seriously, has Sara Bareilles sued him yet? I'd still bang Michael Buble sideways, even though his chin disappears a little more with each album. 2/5 Ken: Ohh. This is a cute one. Never paid attention to Michael's new material and I actually regret it. Anyways, it's a feel-good song that resembles his former hit "Everything". I love that Michael's sticking to his material. The outcome is great but not that special or anything. I love the way it is done, very uplifting and meaningful. 3.5/5 Mike: I have a disturbing Michael Buble fixation. I hate his music but I would eat him up with a spoon and ask for seconds. There's no denying that this song is utter shit though. 1/5 Paul: Love the Boob! Although he may never top the career pinacle of appearing on Kath and Kim, this is a surprisingly radio friendly that reminds me of Boyzone circa 1999. It's very singable, very catchy and as always he looks rather delicious. I think the more that I hear this the more I am going to like it... 4/5 Poster Girl: Look, if you 100% hate that Rat Pack swing style done by modern performers, you're not going to like this, but this is looking to be the first Michael Buble song I buy - it's a pretty good attempt at creating a song which sounds like an old, oft-covered song of that style. I know I'm spending most of my time this week complaining about a lack of excitement and edge, but sometimes, just sometimes, a strong enough song is enough. No Westlife cover, though, please. 3.5/5 Rob: Ever so cheesy. This really reminds me of Neo (of Sweden) and Mika (of UK). Is this a totally a bad thing? No, not at all. 4/5 Tommie: No. Am I still on Pop Trash Addicts or am I getting more cracked out than Whitney? 0/5 Total: 18/35
D'Luv: Talk about someone who's made a little go a long way. This broad's voice and same-y piano tinkling are so mediocre, grating and forgettable, I can't believe how people still buy into Clive Davis' trumped-up hype for her. Waste of time. 0/5 Ken: Sounds like a re-work of "No One". Having said that, it's still okay not in the sense that it gets boring. I love that it sounds like a ballad and has a wonderful meaning. But honestly speaking, I think it isn't time for her to have a comeback. Maybe next year would be a great idea. The final word - JUST OKAY. 2/5 Mike: I'm a huge fan of Alicia's. She's an old school soul singer and really knows how to strike a nerve with her amazing lyrics. Unfortunately, this falls well short of "No One" but it's still soft and lovely. 4/5 Paul: I guess we know which song will be all over next years X Factor auditions then! It's actually quite a lovely little song with a great chorus. Simple as that. 4/5 Poster Girl: I know people talk about Alicia Keys as a good songwriter - and that because of that and her voice she doesn't need gimmicks or flashy production - but everything I've heard from her last album up to now has gone in one ear and out the other. I feel the beginning of pulling on my heartstrings as she sings the title line, but that's it. 1.5/5 Rob: I always sigh with Alicia Keys. Only because she's musically very shy. It's always the same old story. That doesn't take away the magic of the song. It's a brilliant track. Has the potential to be absolutely epic at times. Thing is, her first album set such a standard and I just don't think she's actually moved beyond that. She's reproducing the same record with every release. Is this a bad thing? The record sales would suggest the record company would scream "hell no". But I just become indifferent and rather numb despite the fact that she's providing great material. 4/5 Tommie: I'm not sure if I've been brainwashed with her writing Whitney's latest smash hit single, but this is quite good and I say this as someone who never cared for her past singles. 3/5 Total: 18.5/35 Mariah – I Want To Know What Love Is (Above)
Mimi covers Foreigner. Enough said.
D'Luv: Now, I thought I was gonna like this. But after a few listens, it just sounds like karaoke by an ok singer. Plus, it's flopping harder than Glitter here in the States. Mimi's problem is she can't decide if she wants to be an urban artist or an adult contemporary balladeer. You can't have it both ways, alas, in this fickle market. I think in the end, she's alienated her fans on either side of those genres by flip-flopping too much. Maybe she should just record her tits smacking together and hit the whistle register one last time. Surefire hit! 2/5 Ken: I was absolutely shocked when I heard she'll be making a cover of that classic Foreigner single. It's surprising that it's very different from the painful sounding "Obsessed" and she somehow returned to her glorious era. I love the way it sounded but not sure about it's commercial success. Maybe if she'll be singing more kinds of this one, then maybe I'll get back my interest in her. 3/5 Mike: Everyone knows I love Mariah but this stillborn cover is a giant snooze. I'm still giving her 3/5 though 'cause I'm terrified of irrate lambs! Paul: It's like she has unslutted herself now she has bagged the America's Got Talent dude. She's back to the wavy hair and doing big ballads that fit nicely along older tracks such as "Without You" and "I'll Be There". This could have been really syrupy and awful (and maybe it is but i'm not seeing it), however it comes across beautifully - love the key change! 4/5 Poster Girl: When Nick Lachey covered Take That's "Patience," my first thought was "good job on the part of the person in charge of putting holds on possible songs for Nick, but just because it sounds like a song he'd sing doesn't mean he should have released an unnecessary, inferior-to-the-original cover in an attempt to get his album campaign to take off." Ditto all that for Mariah, though at least her cover isn't as awful as his. 3/5 Rob: A nice cover. I like it. She doesn't do too much embellishment. A weird choice for a single but it's not gonna move mountains. 3.5/5 Tommie: I love Mariah but what is her record company thinking with reverting her back to early 90s? "I Want To Know What Love Is" is nice enough, but Mimi can do better than a cover these days. Really. 2.5/5 Total: 21/35
Last year's X Factor winner unveils her debut single.
D'Luv: Someone (Cowell, Simon) wants this to be an American hit bad. Still, it's pretty good. Much more tuneful that Keri Hilson, who Alexandra reminds me of a tad in the vid. 3.5/5 Ken: I have to admit, this track has made me change my idea of her debut. It started very slow for me and I eventually now like the track. Although this isn't my idea of Alexandra's massive debut, I'd say it did a pretty good job when it comes to likability. But I'm scared about her being just sexy and not having songs of substance. Although it's early to say that, let's wait for her album. 3.5/5 Mike: Alexandra has even less personality than Leona Lewis (if that's humanly possible) but someone has dug out a genuinely catchy chorus for her. Shame about the shit verses and disjointed rap interlude. 3/5 Paul: I really expected not to like it when it first came out, and then the utter shock that Simon Cowell had allowed an X Factor winner to release an uptempo first single "proper" sort of overwhelmed me a bit and I initially thought it was very good indeed. Time and sanity returned and it's actually not bad but not really brilliant. The Bimbo Jones mix which edits out Flo Rida is much better than the single mix. 3/5 Poster Girl: I think it was Popjustice that made the "Some Girls" meets "Womanizer" comparison, and it's one I agree with, with the caveat that "Bad Boys" sheds any darkness either of those songs in favor of pure fun. I'm always going to have a big weakness for this type of song, but I haven't grown tired of "Bad Boys" at all - in fact, it's one of the songs on my personal A-list at the moment. 5/5 Rob: I really didn't like this at first only because I think the song doesn't test her voice. But it's a rather catchy little ditty. Quite like it now. It's a grower. 4/5 Tommie: Well, at least it's different from Leona. But not as amazing as Leona, sadly. 1/5 Total: 23/35
D'Luv: Seriously, has Cyndi Lauper sued them yet? Probably the best Black Eyed Peas single ever, though, as with most of the singles from The E.N.D., I start off liking them until about their 8th week at #1, then I want to put a nail gun to my forehead. 3.5/5 Ken: Ugh. It's ugly in every sense compared to "Boom Boom Pow" and "I Gotta Feeling". I was expecting something groovy like "Imma Be" or "Electric City". It's totally boring and I don't get why they have been #1 in the US for 6 months. What's up with that? Do people actually still like "Boom Boom Pow" and "I Gotta Feeling" at this point? 0/5 Mike: This is one of the best pop songs of 2009 and clearly the standout track on "The E.N.D." after "I Gotta Feeling". I love the 80s-tastic beats and the romantic sentiment. Fergie has never sounded lovelier. 5/5 Paul: Ugh. So, so, so bored of them. I didn't particularly love their current US number one song so I'm baffled by it's longevity. This will probably be the song to knock it off the top. "Girl I travelled round the world and even sailed the seven seas"! Which greeting card did they steal that from?! 2/5 Poster Girl: Fergie's '80s-tastic chorus carries the song, but it's so good that who cares? 4/5 Rob: Amazing. Usually I would love for the boys in the band to take a total backseat and just produce the records. Let Fergie take the spotlight. But this one of their rarer singles in which the collective actually works to boost the quality of the song. Here they sound like a group. I love it. 4.5/5 Tommie: If anyone haven't gotten the memo yet - the Black Eyed Peas are on fire. Listen to it three times and try to resist it. 4/5 Total: 23/35
The 3rd official lead single from Whitney's much hyped comeback album.
D'Luv: I've said before this song is ok, and my opinion hasn't really changed much. I'm more interested in trying to figure out if Whixxxey's had anything more done to her face than botox. Something's not right there. Can't quite put my finger on it, though. 3/5 Ken: I've been actually apathetic about Miss Whitney's comeback. It's the first song I've heard from her new album and I'm actually liking it. It's actually catchy and very contemporary, I just hope she gets the right praise for this because she kind of deserves a nice comeback and 'Million Dollar Bill' is a good answer to those people questioning her abilities of pulling it off. Kudos Whitney! 4/5 Mike: Alicia Keys writes new lyrics to an old Loleatta Holloway disco classic and the result is Whitney's best single in a decade. I love the production, the lyrics and Nippy's swagger. Sublime. 5/5 Paul: Love this. Love it, love it, love it. Yes Alicia may not have done as much of the writing as she claims, but it's a glorious upbeat tune that is both elegant and understated. Great chorus that fits well into the Whitney dance canon and the freemasons mix is just heaven on a stick. 4/5 Poster Girl: Not classic Whitney, but a respectable comeback song. 2.5/5 Rob: Wow, very retro. Love it! Very Randy Crawford. 4/5 Tommie: What? An upbeat track by a 40 plus woman that doesn't sound utterly desperate to be hip? Classic Whitney and genius sample. 5/5 Total: 27.5/35
This was a very unusual Pop Panel for the simple fact that I actually like all 8 songs and would have been happy for any of them to win, which is definitely a first. There is some real variety this week ranging from an 83 year old diva to a couple of pop superstars on the comeback trail as well as the return of a legendary 80s girlband. Is it just me or is the pop world suddenly churning out more treats than usual? Helping me choose our "Single Of The Week" are:
D'Luv couldn't make it again but he promises to be back next week. Taking his place is the glamorous Jennifer (US) writer of the incredibly brilliant Adventures Of An Audio Diva and my fellow trash connoisseur Bomitoni (US), writer of the amazing Milk Carton Pop Stars. Here are the results in order from least to most popular:
Bomitoni: Mariah Scarey indeed. I think Mimi's producers are obsessed with American Top 40 radio because this sounds like all the shit on the radio. Bitch you're not 21 anymore. Hell you're not 31 anymore. Stop trying to sound hip. Face it honey, you're never gonna match the fabulousness that was "Prisoner"! 0/5 Jennifer: This is what happens when Nick Cannon forgets to refill her crazy pills. What a STEAMING pile of rancid excrement. I'm at my Lamb chops end with Mariah as she nosedives into possibly the shittiest single of her career. 0/5 Mike: Leave Mimi alone! Somewhere a pink unicorn just lost its horn from all this hateration. "Obsessed" isn't Mariah's finest moment but it's a grower and the lyrics are unintentionally hilarious. Bring on the second single! 4/5 Pablo: I don't like Mariah. This song sounds like a Victoria Beckham demo. Really. 0/5 Paul: Had you asked me to review this a few weeks ago, I probably would have scored it a lot lower. I hated it at first. Which is tragic cos Mariah was one of my fave 5 90s female singers. However, it's grown on me quite a lot and I find myself humming it here and there. Plus her mentalloid fans are always amusing. So I guess it's quite catchy and she can be semi-witty so I give her a 3/5. Rob: I like it that Mariah is stepping outside the box. Its a pretty boring song though. 3/5 The Prophet: I was really against this song in the beginning, thinking that it was a desperate attempt at relevancy on Mariah's part, but after seeing the video I'm now in love. I feel like this is the first time that Mariah has had me laughing WITH her and not AT her. "He's all up in my George Forman" deserves line of the century! 4/5 Total: 14/35
Honor Blackman – The Star Who Fell From Grace (Video)
83 year old diva releases her first new single since the 1960s.
Bomitoni: Look Madonna without the botox! The trash lover in me wants to love this but I just can't. Can someone do a faggy remix please? Her dress is fabulous though! 2/5 Jennifer: Should I be kind to my elders? Fuck no. Cut the depressing shit, lady, and sing songs about playing bingo and spiking the prune juice bowl at Shady Pines Retirement Center. Now that's what I call a comeback. 2/5 Mike: If an 83 year old diva can't get some love on Pop Trash Addicts then I might as well shut it down! Honor is ten kinds of fabulous and I love her classy ballad. I know it's a musical dinosaur from a different era but that's part of its immense appeal. 4/5 Pablo: Mike, seriously... what's this? Even Madonna looks younger than this woman. 0/5 Paul: There's a joke in her name somewhere. She's probably not going to set the charts alight with this, and that's a bit of a tragedy really. While her best song ever remains the evergreen "Kinky Boots", this - well, it's a bit amazing. Love the orchestra too - makes it all pompous and grand. 3.5/5 Rob: Finally, a touch of extreme class. Utterly speechless. Personally, I feel this is the best song ever land on the table of the pop panel. "The Star Who Fell From Grace" is amazing. Honor release the album now. Please. 5/5 The Prophet: I love the lyrics and she looks great for age, but I'm not a fan of the vocal delivery or the tone of her voice. 3/5 Total: 19.5/35
A massive hit in their native Germany last year, the group are now trying their luck in the UK.
Bomitoni: I liked it for the first minute or so but then that fucking chanting got on my nerves! Can we have a chantless version? 2.5/5 Jennifer: *sticks big American honker in the air* I feel that I'm too American to truly appreciate this...not bad, just, eh… 3/5 Mike: "Allein Allein" featured in my best songs of 2008 countdown and I'm still obsessed with it 7 months later. Everything about this track is epic, from the chorus to the spectacular video. The Killers wish they had something this good on "Day & Age". 5/5 Pablo: I'm so sick of these bands that sound and look like Coldplay/the Killers/Keane. Seriously. And they are not even cute! 1/5 Paul: Oh! I was fully expecting not to like this. And I do. It's quite good indeed. The chorus is as catchy as all out doors and could quite easily be a football anthem (even drunken yobs can remember "allein allein" most of the time). Tip - there is a brillo mash up of this floating around where it has been seamlessly weaved into The Killers "Human". Tip top notch. 4/5 Rob: Its good to see Polarkreis 18 finally make their way in other countries. To be sure, they sound like a mish-mash of Rosenstolz and The Killers but that isn't actually a bad thing. 3.5/5 The Prophet: I know this is wrong to say but something about German voices makes me physically ill. I was getting ready to give this a 4.5 and then when I heard their thick accents on the chorus I almost heaved. I don't fucks wit Germany! 3/5 Total: 22/35
MSTRKRFT Ft John Legend – Heartbreaker (below)
John Legend gets a dance makeover in this club smash.
Bomitoni: It's a bit hectic but nothing über exciting. I just wish they could have gotten a real East LA chola to play the cashier in the video. Or better yet John Legend's schlong should have played the cashier. I would have paid to see that shit! 3/5 Jennifer: Been saying for years that soul artists need to ditch the rap shit and go into electro-pop mode… this is a fine example of seeing those two worlds colliding. Very good. 4.5/5 Mike: The standout track on "Fist Of God" is finally released as a single. I love the combination of John's soulful voice and MSTRKRFT's expertly arranged dance beats. The WAWA remix is completely fucking amazing. 4/5 Pablo: I don't get it. Too noisy, no rhythm and nonsense. And a video with a guy wearing Wayfarer sunglasses deserves the worst. 1/5 Paul: Like the Jocelyn single, John's silky smooth vocals lift this above your generic club fare. It's all very decent and quite good at the beginning, but by the end it's slightly boring and monotonous. It would be quite exciting though if John suddenly ditched his suits and turned up to perform in a skin tight tank top and skinny jeans though wouldn't it? (Er, no). 3/5 Rob: Very catchy. A nice try but I sense there's something missing in it? A bit of soul? A bit of emotional perhaps? 3/5 The Prophet: Legend has such a masculine and soulful voice and he sings and emotes perfectly over the dance beat. I love that it's two different genres coming together to create something new. Definitely one of my faves of the year. 5/5 Total: 23.5/35
Bomitoni: I heart the 'Nanas and I heart this song! I can just picture Sara and Keren in the video now as cougars in 'da club looking for young studs! 4/5 Jennifer: These bananas haven’t shriveled up and rotted yet? Shit, they must be sealing themselves in those green plastic fruit bags to keep fresh. Whatever, this is actually not bad, very catchy…but I'll stick to their '88 masterpiece "WOW!" 3.5/5 Mike: I feel like a bad gay for saying this but I found "Drama" slightly underwhelming, so I'm especially relieved that the world's greatest girlband has finally found material worthy of them. "Love Comes" is the best thing Sara and Keren have put their name to since 1995's amazing "Every Shade Of Blue". Stunning. 4.5/5 Pablo: OK, so... they're back again. With a sound that's S Club 09 but with women who are older than me. Something doesn't quite fit here. But the song is quite nice for a summer. Cruel summer. 4/5 Paul: Hurrah hurrah hurrah. Bananarama have returned. Love Comes! And so did I when I heard this slinky little dance number. Ian Masterson has done a great job with the girls on this track, and I'm loving the evolution of dance sound from their brilliant "Drama" album. I've everything crossed that come September this will be very huge indeed. 4/5 Rob: "Love Comes" is sticky, sweet and full of pop protein. This is a wonderful slice of irresistible pop music which is made for the summer. The only thing missing in "Love Comes" is a key change towards the end but it's a tight production which will leave you wanting the twelve inch. Ahem. 4/5 The Prophet: Lame, but I've heard worse before. 2.5/5 Total: 26.5/35
The Swedish diva is single-handedly bringing back Italo disco.
Bomitoni: Anyone who wants to revive Italo disco is A-ok in my book. However I was expecting something punchier and her voice was a bit too whispy for my tastes. Can someone mash it up with some Divine perhaps? 2.5/5 Jennifer: Wow. This song just wraps you up in all of its hypnotic spledor. Beautiful. 5/5 Mike: Sally is everything that Annie wants to be but doesn't have the talent to pull off. While not quite as brilliant as "Miracle", this dreamy little track still runs rings about the other electro divas with its pretty layers of beats and touches of Italo disco. 4/5 Pablo: Sorry, no offence but this is a "wannabe-Annie". Actually, Annie used the Italodisco sound in "Anthonio", so this is nothing new. The video is absolutly delicious! 2/5 Paul: Love her. She's quite Annie I suppose and I may not be the only one to say that, but this tune is rather lush and floats along plinkity plonk. Yes those are valid music review expressions! It's the return of italio-disco-house and I'm lapping it up. 4/5 Rob: Sally Shapiro can be too good sometimes. However, "Love In July" works just right. Not as good as Cloetta Paris though. 4/5 The Prophet: This is the most amazing and defining thing that I've ever seen or heard in my life! 5/5 Total: 26.5/35
Legendary dance diva Joceyln returns with another club smash.
Bomitoni: This song is so gay I can't stand it! It's almost gayer than the neon leotards worn in the video. The chorus reeks of the late 80s and that is why I adore it. Plus do I hear early 90s piano creeping its way back? Someone hand me a fruity cocktail and lead me to the stickiest dance floor! 5/5 Jennifer: Infectious. Electric. Jocelyn Brown. The main ingredients of a great club track. 4.5/5 Mike: Fabulous dance trash alert! Jocelyn is a goddess and this is wonderfully camp dancefloor fodder. Love the chorus and the nod to early 90s house. 4/5 Pablo: I love Jocelyn Brown since the 90s. Actually I haven't heard from her since then. Anyway, the song is quite summerish and very danceable. But these so-straight videos really bore me. 4/5 Paul: Oh lordy, I thought. Another dime a dozen club thumper that producers seem to shit out every other week or so. However, I love Jocelyn's voice and energy in most songs and it soars in this lifting it above your average boom boom thump thump. 3/5 Rob: This week is incredibly strong and "Love Alibi" is very good. The video lets its all down so I'll forget the tragic affair and focus solely on the song. Naturally it will be big in the charts however it could have done with some more synths. If your going to re-hash a classic with Joceyln on the vocals you've got to make it special. Epic. By the second chorus it seems to be going through the motions. Nice try though. 2.5/5 The Prophet: Is this video a Z-grade version of Eric Prydz "Call On Me" or Heidi Montags "Overdosin"? Whatever it is I love it! The song is great and the girls are beautiful. The only thing I could've done without were the occasional camel toe flashes. 4/5 Total: 27/35
SINGLE OF THE WEEK
Shakira – She Wolf
The Colombian superstar explores office equipment and disco in her latest hit!
Bomitoni: Reminds of "Ready For The Goodtimes" or "Timor" but I don't mind. I love me some Shakes. Just wish she'd go back to dark hair. I'm glad she didn't resort to a rent-a-rapper this time. It's got a catchy beat. I have high hopes for her new album. 4.5/5 Jennifer: Somewhere Donna Summer is ripping her hair out in clumps, as this song would've fit her better than that Melted Crayons album. Love that Shakira is trying some electro-disco, though. 4/5 Mike: As a crazy Shakira fan I'm pretty biased but I think "She Wolf" is an outstanding pop song. It's incredibly original, incorporates disco elements and has quirky lyrics about being abused "like a coffee machine in an office". What more could you want? 5/5 Pablo: Shakira... Shakira is this tiny woman who sings in Spanish and you think she is singing in English. Most of her lyrics are just noise. In Spain, we only like one thing from Colombia and it's not their singers. I must say I like "She Wolf" but I totally hate "Loba". And the "auuuuuuuuuuuu" sound is the stupidest thing I've heard since the "no lo sé" in Aleks Syntek's version of "In My Arms". 4/5 Paul: Mike totally got me back into Shakira by fully explaining how to merge her various oral fixations back into one super album. Personally I like my Shakira "Illegal" or "Underneath Your Clothes", but I'm happy to embrace the hip shimmying, disco humping diva back into my life. This should, nay, needs to be absolutely massive. 4/5 Rob: Hmmm. As with all Shakira songs it has taken some time for me to like this. Yeah, its not bad & the chorus is cute. Sounds like Fleetwood Mac meets Nelly's "Maneater". 3/5 The Prophet: Although I'm not finding this as brilliant as I did when it first leaked, I still love it and I have to applaud Shakira for trying something so different with her sound. Not only is it new for her, but there's also nothing like this in commercial music right now. Fierce! 4.5/5 Total: 29/35
A 20 second preview of the soon to be released "She Wolf" video
You know that Christmas is just around the corner when record companies start flooding the market with crappy greatest hits compilations and rushed priority releases. There are more big name divas than usual in the mix this year, with at least 8 vying for a place under your tree. Here are my two cents on some of the most hotly anticipated.
Keeps Gettin' Better (A Decade Of Hits) - Christina Aguilera
I had to start with this trash because I'm completely mesmerised by the artwork. Seriously, what was the inspiration for the photoshoot - ladyboys in space? I know drag queens who would draw the line at that much mascara! Fabulous cover art aside, this looks like a pretty decent compilation. It's Christina's first greatest hits package and all her best tracks are included from "Genie In A Bottle" to "Ain't No Other Man". She's even been kind enough to tack on a couple of new songs including her ironically titled recent single "Keeps Gettin' Better". The album is released on the 10th of November in the UK and on the 17th in Australia.
Verdict - Perfect for casual fans. Personally, I'm buying this shit for the cover!
Funhouse - Pink
Pink's 5th studio album has to be one of the hottest properties of 2008. With her last album going 9 times platinum in Australia during its mammoth 108 week chart run, the expectations for "Funhouse" are sky high. I couldn't resist having a sneaky listen when the album leaked last week and it's very much Pink by the numbers, staying true to her tried and tested formula of foul mouthed pop and soft rock. Fans of "I'm Not Dead" will love "Funhouse" but it doesn't serve up anything new. The only surprise is the number of pared back ballads and the lack of anything as instantly catchy as "So What". The album is released in Australia and the UK on the 27th of October.
Verdict - A respectable follow up to "I'm Not Dead". Buy it for your favourite lesbian.
I Am - Beyoncé
I have a strange love/hate relationship with Beyoncé. I love most of her singles and remixes but I generally hate her albums. "Dangerously In Love" and "B'Day" had their moments but both were bogged down by far too much mid-tempo filler. I hope she gets it right this time because I'm seriously impressed with dual lead singles from her upcoming 3rd album "I Am". The pop option, "If I Were A Boy", has been stuck in my head from the very first listen. It's raw, emotionally charged and beautifully performed. While the fabulously titled R'n'B alternative, "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)", is the kind of sassy urban jam that Beyoncé has built her career upon. The album will apparently be split along the musical styles of the first singles. Fingers crossed that Beyoncé finally gets it right this time. "I Am" is released worldwide on the 17th of November.
Verdict - Extremely promising but I'm prepared for disappointment.
Circus - Britney Spears
I never thought I'd say it but I miss breakdown Britney. Admittedly, she was certifiable but at least the trainwreck had an edge that is sorely missing from her incredibly bland and repetitive new single "Womanizer". It's basically a rehashed version of "Radar" with even less charm and originality. Hopefully, "Circus", her 6th studio album, contains better material. She has the who's who of the music world working on it, so there's really no excuse for more of this lazy bullshit. "Circus" is unveiled in Australia and the UK on the 1st of December.
Verdict - Unless the future singles are a significant improvement, I'll pass. Buy it for mentally unstable loved ones.
Heavy Rotation - Tranastacia
The title of Tranastacia's latest album is turning out to be slightly ironic given the complete and utter lack of interest in the rubbish first single, "I Can Feel You". Nevertheless, her last release sold 10 million copies worldwide, so I assume someone must be interested in this crap. I've never been a huge fan and I highly doubt "Heavy Rotation" will win me over despite all the A-list producers on board. I'll try to keep an open mind until the album's offical release on the 27th of October.
Verdict - Gift it to someone you really don't like.
The Ballads - Mariah Carey
And the award for the cheapest Christmas cash-in goes to Mariah Carey. Seriously, whose bright idea was this collection of vomit inducing tracks? Mimi already has two greatest hits compilations to her name (three if you count "The Remixes") and more to the point, she has a fabulous album of new material that she should be promoting instead. To be fair, "The Ballads" is being excreted by Sony (her old label) but only because Mariah's record company has already given up on "E=MC²" without tapping the album's two strongest potential singles, "Migrate" and "I'm That Chick". No wonder most labels are going out of business. At the very least they could have tacked on a couple of new tracks to make the package slightly more appealing. This tat is already in stores in the UK, Australians will have to wait until the 3rd of November.
Verdict - Only for the most delusional Lambs and Mariah completists.
My Love: Essential Collection - Celine Dion
Unlike Mariah's nasty compilation, some thought and effort has gone into Celine Dion's 2nd greatest hits package. The album includes two new songs and a handful of live tracks in addition to most of Celine's biggest hits. The ballad heavy tracklist is a bit of a turn off but I quite like the new Linda Perry penned single, "My Love". It's another slow number but the song is understated by Celine's standards (admittedly, that isn't saying much) and not quite as saccharine as her usual output. "My Love: Essential Collection" is released on the 27th of October in Australia and the UK.
Verdict - This is a fairly comprehensive package for casual fans. Buy it for your favourite middle aged homosexual.
Tina!: Her Greatest Hits - Tina Turner
I worship Tina Turner but this recently released compilation is a bit of piss take in the wake of 2004's "All The Best" and 2005's "All The Best: The Hits". I guess we should be grateful for the live tracks and the two new songs, "It Would Be A Crime" and "I'm Ready". The latter of which is actually pretty good in a middle of the road kind of way. The compilation is nicely packaged and perfectly timed for her world tour but is it too much to ask for something new from Tina? It's been 9 years since her last studio album and there's only so many times I can listen to "Private Dancer"! This is already available in both Australia and the UK.
I've never been a huge Mariah Carey fan. Her first few albums were far too ballad heavy for my liking and her eventual move towards hip hop didn't really appeal to me either. That said, I have loved a lot of Mimi's singles over the years ("Fantasy", "Loverboy", "It's Like That", "Always Be My Baby" and "Emotions" all come rushing to mind) and I do enjoy her crazy diva antics. I've just had trouble stomaching a whole album - up until now. Mariah is the first big diva to deliver a consistently entertaining pop album in 2008. "E=MC²" is wildly uneven but it still manages to deliver a killer batch of soulful grooves, pretty ballads and mid-tempo jams. The album took me a couple of listens to get into but now I'm hooked. That's not to say "E=MC²" is perfect by any means. It's often repetitive, overly clinical, lacks any kind of emotional depth and stays a little too true to "The Emancipation Of Mimi" blueprint. However, as an enjoyable slice of expertly produced urban pop, "E=MC²" is hard to beat. Here is my track by track review:
Migrate Ft. T-Pain - 9/10
This insanely catchy party anthem makes me want to get crunk in the club and I don't even know what the hell that means! "Migrate" is a four minute demonstration of why Danja is currently the hottest producer in urban music. Unusual hooks (I love the quirky panpipes) blend with hypnotic beats and layered vocals to create an epic sound palette. Once you add Mariah's formidable voice and T-Pain's rap into the mix, you're left with a most irresistible concoction. That's not mentioning the fabulous lyrics that will no doubt have a lasting impact on pop culture. I've been wowing my friends all week by suggesting we migrate to McDonalds. Just don't make the mistake of declaring that you need to migrate to the toilet because that just drew blank looks...
Touch My Body - 8/10
I hated "Touch My Body" the first twenty or so times I heard it but the chorus eventually became lodged in my brain and I now consider it one of Mariah's better singles. The appeal of "Touch My Body" lies in its simplicity. The sexy lyrics and uncluttered, almost sparse production (courtesy of The Dream) make this breezy mid-tempo groove a memorable piece of pop fluff. Make sure you track down the awesome Seamus Haji remixes. Unfortunately, only one of them is available from Australian iTunes.
Cruise Control Ft. Damian Marley - 5.5/10
Mimi takes a brief reggae detour on "Cruise Control" with mixed results. I love the verse where she puts on a faux Jamaican accent only to sound like a crazy white woman who has just demolished a bucket bong but apart from that this effort is distinctly average. Damian Marley injects some life into the proceedings but even he can't revive Jermaine Dupri's sluggish production.
I Stay In Love - 7/10
Bryan Michael Cox has co-written some of Mariah's biggest hits over the past couple of years including the brilliant "Don't Forget About Us" and "Shake It Off". "I Stay In Love" isn't quite in the same league as those anthems but it does stand out as one of the few songs on "E=MC²" to showcase Mimi's fabulous voice to any great extent. Mariah has faced a lot of criticism for her vocal acrobatics in the past but I really think the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction. Restraint is a virtue but I'd like Mariah to drag out her dog whistle and really let loose every now and again. As it stands, "I Stay In Love" is a pleasant mid-tempo ballad. The song is actually quite sweet if you ignore the trashy lyrics about riding shotgun with the roof down!
Side Effects Ft. Young Jeezy - 7.5/10
"E=MC²" really does feature the who's who of urban pop producers. Scott Storch takes over the controls for "Side Effects" and delivers a hook laden anthem complete with electronic bleeps and beats. It's also one of the few songs to contain lyrics that venture outside the club or the bedroom. "Side Effects" is a none too subtle jab at ex-husband Tommy Mottola ("I was a girl you were The Man, I was too young to understand") and offers some interesting insights into their failed marriage. This isn't your usual urban pop by the numbers and it's all the better for it.
I'm That Chick - 9/10
This is probably what Madonna wanted "Hard Candy" to sound like before Timbaland turned her into an embarrassing Keri Hilson impersonator. "I'm That Chick" is an utterly infectious dancefloor anthem that can only be described as urban disco. Produced by Stargate, the Norwegian team behind Rihanna's "Don't Stop The Music", "I'm That Chick" is Mariah's most instantly appealing track since "Fantasy". With killer beats, lyrics that subtly reference smoking marijuana and a chorus more addictive than crack, this positively screams out to be a single! A hugely enjoyable dose of classic Mimi.
Love Story - 3.5/10
Jermaine Dupri needs to stop ruining albums with his coma inducing slow jams. If Mimi was smart she would have locked him out of the studio after hearing Janet's shiteous "Discipline" album. Instead she was left with this mammoth bore that stands out as one of the few truly rubbish tracks on the album. Skip this shit.
I'll Be Lovin' U Long Time - 9/10
Asian prostitutes finally have an anthem of their very own! Given the trashy title, I wasn't expecting much from "I'll Be Lovin' U Long Time" but it turns out to be one of the album's absolute highlights. A throwback to 70s soul music (someone please remind me which Debarge song it samples!) with a distinctly contemporary edge, this gem shows Mariah in a completely new light. Mimi really needs to explore this sound further in the future instead of simply treading water with mid-tempo grooves featuring rent-a-rappers. DJ Toomp deserves special credit for his fresh and inspired production.
Last Kiss - 5/10
"Last Kiss" immediately loses a point due to the unnecessary introduction by Janet's troll husband. The song itself is inoffensive enough but it could easily be slotted into any Mariah album since "Rainbow". If I want to listen to Mimi on auto-pilot, I'll just drag out my copy of "The Emancipation Of Mimi". "Last Kiss" is more filler than killer and really should be gathering dust on a recording studio shelf.
Thanx 4 Nothin' - 8/10
Yet another Jermaine Dupri production, "Thanx 4 Nothin'" stuns by not being completely shit. I hope Janet dildo whipped that troll after hearing this gem! "Thanx 4 Nothin'" follows Dupri's usual mid-tempo blueprint but it avoids his usual mediocrity with its universal lyrics and Mariah's heartfelt vocals. Everyone can identify with the subject matter and it's nice to hear Mimi finally let loose. The song is also jam packed with catchy vocal hooks and interesting production flourishes. "Thanx 4 Nothin'" isn't exactly groundbreaking but it is quality urban pop by the numbers.
O.O.C. - 7/10
After a duo of slow jams, Mariah raises the tempo with a typically bouncy Swizz Beatz production. "O.O.C." is an enjoyable mix of samples, unusual hooks and meaningless lyrics that never really goes anywhere. Not that it matters. The whole point of "O.O.C." is to make people move and it more than achieves that goal. Given the number of different producers who worked their magic on "E=MC²", it is a surprisingly cohesive album.
For The Record - 7/10
Mariah finally unleashes the dog whistle - better late than never! "For The Record" is another collaboration with Bryan Michael Cox and this is a more worthy successor to "Don't Forget About Us" than "I Stay In Love". In fairness, both songs are very similar but "For The Record" has an almost haunting quality that "I Stay In Love" is missing. I love the strings and Mimi's vocal delivery. I have a feeling this will grow on me more with each listen.
Bye Bye - 1/10
"Bye Bye" is one of the most cynical and shameless marketing exercises I can think of. An obvious attempt to corner the mourners previously exploited by "One Sweet Day", expect to hear this abomination blaring out of a funeral home near you. "Bye Bye" would be completely vomit inducing if it wasn't so fucking catchy thanks to the ingenious Stargate team. I hate the fact that this shit becomes stuck in your head after the second listen. Who really wants to be humming a disturbingly saccharine death anthem on the way to work? "Bye Bye" has already been selected as the second single in America but I hope Australia is spared this appalling exercise in false emotion.
I Wish You Well - 3/10
A boring piano ballad that feels completely out of place on "E=MC²". It's nice to hear a real instrument after 13 songs of bleeps and samples but this is completely underwhelming and sounds more like a demo than anything else.
Heat - 5.5/10
I gave this an extra point for the crazy way Will.i.am pronounces Mariah at the beginning of the song: "It's Maaa-Rye-Aaah"! I'm usually quite a fan of Will.i.am's productions but this song sounds like something Fergie rejected for "The Dutchess". No wonder it ended up as a bonus track.
Sometimes my mind works in mysterious ways. Last night I was lying in bed listening to a Freestyle playlist on my Ipod, which got me thinking about Brenda K. Starr. When I think of that legendary Freestyle icon, my mind always wanders to Mariah. As any Lamb worth their Hello Kitty screensaver and Jennifer Lopez voodoo doll will tell you, Brenda played a huge role in launching Mimi's career by slipping her demo tape to Tommy Mottola at a party in the late 80s. That put me in the mood for some vintage Mariah and I spent the rest of night re-visiting favourites from her self-titled debut all the way through to 1999's trashfest "Rainbow". I then had the brainwave of putting together a list of her ten best singles from the 90s, which would be an easy task for most fans but I'm a relatively late convert. In fact, I genuinely disliked Mariah at the peak of her popularity. Probably due to the fact that overblown ballads generally make me want to vomit and because my mum, like every other Australian housewife in the mid-90s, played "Music Box" on repeat for at least a year. I'm still haunted by visions of her driving me to school singing along to "Without You" at the top of her lungs! Anyway, I know everyone will have their own opinions on this but here are my 10 favourite Mimi anthems from the 90s.
10. I Still Believe (Video)
9. Honey (Video)
8. All I Want For Christmas Is You (Video)
7. Heartbreaker (Feat. Jay Z) (Video)
6. Fantasy (Video)
5. Emotions (Video)
4. Always Be My Baby (Video)
3. Butterfly (Video)
2. Someday (Video)
1. Make It Happen (Video)
