Hard Candy - The Pop Trash Review

"Hard Candy" is the musical equivalent of being fisted by a thick wristed dwarf - a potentially amusing experiment that turns out to be nothing more than a monumentally embarrassing pain in the arse. Somebody wake me when Madonna's mid-life crisis is over. 1.5/10

Kylie - In My Arms

With the hugely anticipated release of Dannii's "Club Disco" next week (for details check out Dannii's Dirty Box!), it's easy to forget that Kylie's latest Australian single hit shelves yesterday. "In My Arms" hasn't generated a lot of interest in Australia, which is a shame because it's a cracking pop tune. Calvin Harris has created something fresh and original, yet quintessentially Kylie. I love the spoken bits - "How do you describe a feeling?" is already iconic among fans - and the hands in the air chorus is still divine more than a year after the song's initial leak. I put the lukewarm response down to the complete absence of promotion and the delay in announcing concert dates. What the hell is going on, Warner Australia?

On a brighter note, the single tracklist and digital bundles are a lot of fun. There has been some whinging about the lack of B-sides but I find that a bit rich after the multitude we received with "Wow" and "2 Hearts". This time around, the focus is on remixes and, happily, they include some of the best Kylie has done in years. The tracklistings are as follows:

The Physical Single
1. In My Arms
2. In My Arms (Death Metal Disco Scene Remix)
3. In My Arms (Sebastien Leger Remix)
4. Can't Get You Out Of My Head (Greg Kurstin Remix)

iTunes Download Bundle 1
1. In My Arms
2. In My Arms (Death Metal Disco Scene Remix)
3. In My Arms (Sebastien Leger Remix)
4. Can't Get You Out Of My Head (Greg Kurstin Remix)

iTunes Download Bundle 2
1. In My Arms
2. In My Arms (Chris Lake Vocal Mix)
3. In My Arms (Sebastien leger Remix)
4. In My Arms (Steve Pitron & Max Sanna Mix)
5. In My Arms (Spitzer Remix)
6. In My Arms (Death Metal Disco Scene Remix)

I particularly recommend the fantastic Steve Pitron & Max Sanna Mix of "In My Arms" and Greg Kurstin's phenomenal electro reinvention of "Can't Get You Out Of My Head". You can download the bundles from iTunes or order a physical copy from Chaos. I'm sure you've all seen the amazing "In My Arms" video but check out the fabulous 'making of' documentary below. I love Kylie's cake slicing skills - for a minute there you get an amusing glimpse of the suburban Melbourne housewife Kylie most likely would have become if she didn't get lucky, lucky, lucky. Bless.

CC Martini - Double Dutch

Australia's first lady of hip-hop infused pop is back! Regular readers will remember CC Martini from last year, when her brilliant "Champagne Taste" caused quite a stir. The follow up has been 6 months in the making but "Double Dutch" is well worth the wait. Another eclectic mix of hip hop, pop and rock, "Double Dutch" sounds like the retarded bastard child of Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" and Toni Basil's "Mickey" - and I mean that as a massive compliment! CC's amusing rap verses bookend a catchy chanted chorus against a backdrop of roaring guitars and electro beats. The result is a demented burst of killer pop music with some truly memorable lyrics. After rapping about her stint as a pot dealer on "Champagne Taste", CC turns her attention to the schoolyard for this opus and dishes out some helpful hints - including this gem:

You got dry skin
Rub some lotion in
You know the secret, girls
It's your man's potion

If I'm not mistaken, Ms Martini is advising school girls to moisturise with cum! The video is another simple but effective adventure brimming with colour and bad dancing. Check it out below. "Double Dutch" is available to download from iTunes now. It's worth picking up the dance remixes while you're at it. CC's debut album, "All The Way", is scheduled for release on the 10th of May. Check her Myspace for more details.

I'm Migrating To Camp Mariah!

I've never been a huge Mariah Carey fan. Her first few albums were far too ballad heavy for my liking and her eventual move towards hip hop didn't really appeal to me either. That said, I have loved a lot of Mimi's singles over the years ("Fantasy", "Loverboy", "It's Like That", "Always Be My Baby" and "Emotions" all come rushing to mind) and I do enjoy her crazy diva antics. I've just had trouble stomaching a whole album - up until now. Mariah is the first big diva to deliver a consistently entertaining pop album in 2008. "E=MC²" is wildly uneven but it still manages to deliver a killer batch of soulful grooves, pretty ballads and mid-tempo jams. The album took me a couple of listens to get into but now I'm hooked. That's not to say "E=MC²" is perfect by any means. It's often repetitive, overly clinical, lacks any kind of emotional depth and stays a little too true to "The Emancipation Of Mimi" blueprint. However, as an enjoyable slice of expertly produced urban pop, "E=MC²" is hard to beat. Here is my track by track review:

Migrate Ft. T-Pain - 9/10

This insanely catchy party anthem makes me want to get crunk in the club and I don't even know what the hell that means! "Migrate" is a four minute demonstration of why Danja is currently the hottest producer in urban music. Unusual hooks (I love the quirky panpipes) blend with hypnotic beats and layered vocals to create an epic sound palette. Once you add Mariah's formidable voice and T-Pain's rap into the mix, you're left with a most irresistible concoction. That's not mentioning the fabulous lyrics that will no doubt have a lasting impact on pop culture. I've been wowing my friends all week by suggesting we migrate to McDonalds. Just don't make the mistake of declaring that you need to migrate to the toilet because that just drew blank looks...

Touch My Body - 8/10

I hated "Touch My Body" the first twenty or so times I heard it but the chorus eventually became lodged in my brain and I now consider it one of Mariah's better singles. The appeal of "Touch My Body" lies in its simplicity. The sexy lyrics and uncluttered, almost sparse production (courtesy of The Dream) make this breezy mid-tempo groove a memorable piece of pop fluff. Make sure you track down the awesome Seamus Haji remixes. Unfortunately, only one of them is available from Australian iTunes.

Cruise Control Ft. Damian Marley - 5.5/10

Mimi takes a brief reggae detour on "Cruise Control" with mixed results. I love the verse where she puts on a faux Jamaican accent only to sound like a crazy white woman who has just demolished a bucket bong but apart from that this effort is distinctly average. Damian Marley injects some life into the proceedings but even he can't revive Jermaine Dupri's sluggish production.


I Stay In Love - 7/10

Bryan Michael Cox has co-written some of Mariah's biggest hits over the past couple of years including the brilliant "Don't Forget About Us" and "Shake It Off". "I Stay In Love" isn't quite in the same league as those anthems but it does stand out as one of the few songs on "E=MC²" to showcase Mimi's fabulous voice to any great extent. Mariah has faced a lot of criticism for her vocal acrobatics in the past but I really think the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction. Restraint is a virtue but I'd like Mariah to drag out her dog whistle and really let loose every now and again. As it stands, "I Stay In Love" is a pleasant mid-tempo ballad. The song is actually quite sweet if you ignore the trashy lyrics about riding shotgun with the roof down!

Side Effects Ft. Young Jeezy - 7.5/10

"E=MC²" really does feature the who's who of urban pop producers. Scott Storch takes over the controls for "Side Effects" and delivers a hook laden anthem complete with electronic bleeps and beats. It's also one of the few songs to contain lyrics that venture outside the club or the bedroom. "Side Effects" is a none too subtle jab at ex-husband Tommy Mottola ("I was a girl you were The Man, I was too young to understand") and offers some interesting insights into their failed marriage. This isn't your usual urban pop by the numbers and it's all the better for it.

I'm That Chick - 9/10

This is probably what Madonna wanted "Hard Candy" to sound like before Timbaland turned her into an embarrassing Keri Hilson impersonator. "I'm That Chick" is an utterly infectious dancefloor anthem that can only be described as urban disco. Produced by Stargate, the Norwegian team behind Rihanna's "Don't Stop The Music", "I'm That Chick" is Mariah's most instantly appealing track since "Fantasy". With killer beats, lyrics that subtly reference smoking marijuana and a chorus more addictive than crack, this positively screams out to be a single! A hugely enjoyable dose of classic Mimi.

Love Story - 3.5/10

Jermaine Dupri needs to stop ruining albums with his coma inducing slow jams. If Mimi was smart she would have locked him out of the studio after hearing Janet's shiteous "Discipline" album. Instead she was left with this mammoth bore that stands out as one of the few truly rubbish tracks on the album. Skip this shit.


I'll Be Lovin' U Long Time - 9/10

Asian prostitutes finally have an anthem of their very own! Given the trashy title, I wasn't expecting much from "I'll Be Lovin' U Long Time" but it turns out to be one of the album's absolute highlights. A throwback to 70s soul music (someone please remind me which Debarge song it samples!) with a distinctly contemporary edge, this gem shows Mariah in a completely new light. Mimi really needs to explore this sound further in the future instead of simply treading water with mid-tempo grooves featuring rent-a-rappers. DJ Toomp deserves special credit for his fresh and inspired production.

Last Kiss - 5/10

"Last Kiss" immediately loses a point due to the unnecessary introduction by Janet's troll husband. The song itself is inoffensive enough but it could easily be slotted into any Mariah album since "Rainbow". If I want to listen to Mimi on auto-pilot, I'll just drag out my copy of "The Emancipation Of Mimi". "Last Kiss" is more filler than killer and really should be gathering dust on a recording studio shelf.

Thanx 4 Nothin' - 8/10

Yet another Jermaine Dupri production, "Thanx 4 Nothin'" stuns by not being completely shit. I hope Janet dildo whipped that troll after hearing this gem! "Thanx 4 Nothin'" follows Dupri's usual mid-tempo blueprint but it avoids his usual mediocrity with its universal lyrics and Mariah's heartfelt vocals. Everyone can identify with the subject matter and it's nice to hear Mimi finally let loose. The song is also jam packed with catchy vocal hooks and interesting production flourishes. "Thanx 4 Nothin'" isn't exactly groundbreaking but it is quality urban pop by the numbers.

O.O.C. - 7/10

After a duo of slow jams, Mariah raises the tempo with a typically bouncy Swizz Beatz production. "O.O.C." is an enjoyable mix of samples, unusual hooks and meaningless lyrics that never really goes anywhere. Not that it matters. The whole point of "O.O.C." is to make people move and it more than achieves that goal. Given the number of different producers who worked their magic on "E=MC²", it is a surprisingly cohesive album.


For The Record - 7/10

Mariah finally unleashes the dog whistle - better late than never! "For The Record" is another collaboration with Bryan Michael Cox and this is a more worthy successor to "Don't Forget About Us" than "I Stay In Love". In fairness, both songs are very similar but "For The Record" has an almost haunting quality that "I Stay In Love" is missing. I love the strings and Mimi's vocal delivery. I have a feeling this will grow on me more with each listen.

Bye Bye - 1/10

"Bye Bye" is one of the most cynical and shameless marketing exercises I can think of. An obvious attempt to corner the mourners previously exploited by "One Sweet Day", expect to hear this abomination blaring out of a funeral home near you. "Bye Bye" would be completely vomit inducing if it wasn't so fucking catchy thanks to the ingenious Stargate team. I hate the fact that this shit becomes stuck in your head after the second listen. Who really wants to be humming a disturbingly saccharine death anthem on the way to work? "Bye Bye" has already been selected as the second single in America but I hope Australia is spared this appalling exercise in false emotion.

I Wish You Well - 3/10

A boring piano ballad that feels completely out of place on "E=MC²". It's nice to hear a real instrument after 13 songs of bleeps and samples but this is completely underwhelming and sounds more like a demo than anything else.

Heat - 5.5/10

I gave this an extra point for the crazy way Will.i.am pronounces Mariah at the beginning of the song: "It's Maaa-Rye-Aaah"! I'm usually quite a fan of Will.i.am's productions but this song sounds like something Fergie rejected for "The Dutchess". No wonder it ended up as a bonus track.

Ricki-Lee's UK Makeover From Hell

Ricki-Lee's amazing "Can't Touch It" has been butchered, almost beyond recognition, for its UK release on the 9th of June. Not only has the song been given the dubious new title "U Wanna Little Of This", it's been remixed into an unremarkable dance bore. Don't get me wrong, this kind of shit usually has me salivating but "Can't Touch It" is such a perfect pop song that this kind of treatment feels completely sacrilegious. Everything I love about the original is gone. The fabulous rolling drum beats, the quirky pop production and the subtle R'n'B flavour have all been ditched in favour of thudding dance beats and a cut and paste chorus. I would probably be singing the praises of "U Wanna Little Of This" if it were a remix but as the version being promoted to UK radio, it just doesn't cut it. It's such a shame because the original version has huge hit potential. "Can't Touch It" is perfect pop. The song is fresh, original and utterly infectious. "U Wanna Little Of This", on the other hand, sounds like a Booty Luv B-side. That's not a bad thing as such but Ricki-Lee deserves better than this. Decide which version you prefer, the new and unimproved version above or the original version below.

Jackpot: The Best Bette

You're looking at the amazing cover of Bette Midler's soon to be released 'best of' album. Doesn't she just get more fabulous with each passing day? I worship the Divine Miss M, so I'll be adding this to my collection but I am slightly bewildered by the tracklist:

In The Mood
This Ole House
Beast Of Burden
Just My Imagination (Running Away With Me)
The Rose
When A Man Loves A Woman
I've Still Got My Health
Spring Can Really Hang You Up The Most
Hello In There
The Glory Of Love
Tenderly
Wind Beneath My Wings
Do You Want To Dance?
Baby Mine
From A Distance
Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy (Single Version)
Friends
Something Your Heart Has Been Telling Me (Previously Unreleased)
Cool Yule

Don't get me wrong, each song is an absolute gem (ok, maybe with the exception of "Cool Yule"!) - I just wish they included more hits and fewer album cuts from recent releases. The omission of classic anthems like "I Shall Be Released", "Shiver Me Timbers", "Hang On In There Baby", "In This Life", "My One True Friend", "Married Men", "I'm Beautiful", "My Mother's Eyes" and "To Deserve You" (to name just a few) is disappointing. On the bright side, it's nice that so many tracks from "Beaches" and "The Divine Miss M" were included. I'm particularly thrilled to see Bette's phenomenal cover of "Beast Of Burden", which is one of my all time favourite songs. Check out the amazing film clip below. It has to be one of the best video clips of the 80s - Bette's dance off with Mick Jagger has to be seen to be believed! There are no plans to release "Jackpot" in Australia as yet but you can pre-order the album from US Amazon. It's officially released in America on the 29th of April.

(How Does It Feel) In My Arse?

Well, I haven't had too many complaints but enough about my miserable sex life. The title of this post actually refers to Deirdre Halliwell's brilliant new anthem, which is dedicated to yours truly! This is one of the proudest moments of my life. I still can't believe an internationally renowned megastar like Deirdre wrote a song in my honour - and what an amazing song it is! I've been harassing the stunning Ms Halliwell to cover a Kylie track for her next smash hit EP (her last offering was certified plastic in at least 3 former Soviet states) for ages but I wasn't expecting anything as fabulous as this. "In My Arms" has been transformed into the ultimate gay sex anthem with classy lyrics like "the KY's open and it's up my bum, hurry up and get a condom"! The whole thing is sublime, from Deirdre's angelic but completely out of tune vocals right through to the hilarious clip. It's only a matter of time before Sony BMG comes knocking on this woman's door, mark my words! In the meantime, Deirdre is flogging her latest album on Ebay for the bargain price of 1 pound and has started an amazing new blog. A huge thanks to Deirdre for this amazing honour!