Whispers, News + What's Hot & What's Not!

I thought I would take a short break from my usual mix of tragic divas and no hit wonders to comment on (ie. bitch about) some recent events in the glorious world of pop music. I think I'll start with the dramas surrounding Dannii's sister.

My Kylie Rant

Poor Kylie wasn't blessed with Dannii's stunning good looks or natural talent but I love her all the same. In fact, with the exception of her glorious sibling, Kylie is my favourite singer. And like the rest of Al Kylieda, I've been obsessing over the progress of her upcoming album to an unhealthy extent. It truly pains me to speak ill of a Minogue but I'm beginning to suspect a "Body Language" sized disappointment. Alarm bells started ringing when Kylie selected "Sensitized" for the album over several vastly superior tunes. Brilliant anthems like "Lose Control" and Mylo's delicious "In The Mood For Love" were passed over for a song that plays like a cheap "Cowboy Style" rip-off, complete with an annoying hooting sound courtesy of sampling this trash. If that wasn't bad enough, I fear that "2 Hearts" could be Kylie's worst single ever. The Kish Mauve demo sounds like Goldfrapp for the over 50 crowd and leaked clips of Kylie's version suggest she stays worryingly true to the demo. And yes, I know I'm being a drama queen. On a happier note, the single cover is AMAZING. In other Kylie news, the great one has covered Grace Jones/Roxy Music's "Love Is The Drug" for this Radio 1 compilation and her version is absolutely stunning!

Dannii Update

While Kylie appears to have momentarily lost the plot, divine Dannii is flying the Minogue flag in great style with 4 soon to be released albums, a new DVD and a brand new single scheduled for an early December release to cash in on X Factor. Rumours abound that Dannii is re-working a Jason Nevins produced club smash that heavily samples "Mighty Real". I smell Dannii's 12th #1 hit on the UK dance charts. Long live the Queen of Clubs!

Whispers

I'm excited to hear that Scotland's legendary Mary Kiani is hoping to release new material in Australia. I really hope things work out. Mary's "Sydney Sessions" album was one of the pop highlights of 2006 and I've been going through Kiani withdrawals ever since. Speaking of legendary dance divas, the orange goddess - Kelly Llorenna - looks set to release her first Australian single in years with news that Love To Infinity's "Keep Love Together" could be getting a local release! In other (old) news, lovely Jessica Mauboy has definitely been chosen to replace Ricki-Lee in the Young Divas. The world's most fabulous girlband is busy recording their second album of cover versions. I can't wait to hear the fagtastic crap the girls serve up this time! Speaking of Young Divas, "Love Is All Around" is the second single from Ricki-Lee's great "Brand New Day" album. The song is pure dynamite and the remixes are excellent.

What's Hot

I'm loving Jade Macrae's new single, "In The Basement". Jade has always been one of Australia's biggest talents but she finally has a song worthy of her talent. Expect to see a full post about Jade very soon. Another local act, The Potbelleez, appear to have a smash hit on their hands with "Don't Hold Back". The dance anthem is currently #1 on the club chart and ranks as one of the most added songs to radio this week. Don't tell anyone but I quite like Cosima's latest single, "Movin' On". Shame about the video clip. Moving on to international divas, I seem to be the only person who likes J Lo's new gangster anthem "Do It Well". I've had a listen to Jenny's new album and it is, somewhat surprisingly, very good! Robyn is always hot but I thought I might as well plug the Australian release of her brilliant album.

What's Not Hot

There's nothing hot about the publicity spree that accompanied the release of Dulta's latest shitfest, "In This Life". I guess a month of turning up to the opening of an envelope, TV advertisements and two CD single formats can still buy you a #1 hit. Dulta's new album cover (above) is as boring as you would expect. Speaking of has-beens, that old cunt from the Rogue Traders is back. "Don't You Wanna Feel" is rubbish even by their low standards. Go back to Neighbours! I'm also not sold on The Veronicas' new single, "Hook Me Up". I appreciate their move towards a more electro sound but where is the chorus? Time to go back to the drawing board.

Music For Wankers

Well done, Roisin Murphy. You have officially come up with the most pretentious album cover in the history of music! Bjork must be positively suicidal.

Insomnia's Fabulous Hatchet Job

If you thought the Bliss cover of "American Pie" was rubbish, then hold on to your hair extensions for Insomnia! This sublimely tragic Australian duo launched their career with an astonishingly bad dance interpretation of "Fame" in the late 90s. Not surprisingly, it flopped and Insomnia were never heard of again. Well, one half of Insomnia at least. Pop fans may recognise Kellie Hoggart in the picture below. For the uninitiated, Kellie was a member of the 90s girlband, Teen Queens, and now performs to snotty nosed children around the globe as a member of Hi-5. I hope Kellie looks back on her days as the front woman of Insomnia with great pride. Their one and only flop, "Fame", is a four minute musical trainwreck of the highest order. "Fame" has all the ingredients of a pop trash classic - tacky beats, thin vocals and dated production. The cheesy record scratching and manic keyboards never fail to make me laugh. As much as I enjoy the music, the thing I love most about Insomnia's "Fame" is the fact that it's such a relic of its time. You just know that a small army of Chupa Chup munching disco dollies waved their glow sticks to this stunning anthem. Give "Fame" a spin and re-live your glory days. Just don't wear that shiteous lime green number you've been hiding in the back of your wardrobe. It was wrong - even then!

Many thanks to Steen for reminding me of this masterpiece and sending me a copy! How funny is the Star Wars inspired artwork!

Belgium's Golden Goose

Brace yourselves for something a bit more cutting edge than the fabulous rubbish I usually serve up! It's been a while since I had a guest contributor but it's definitely been worth the wait. When Jay first introduced me to Goose, I thought they sounded like every other electro act doing the rounds. It's funny how your opinions can change. After a few listens, the melody in their songs comes to the fore and Goose distinguish themselves by displaying an uncanny pop sensibility. Many thanks to Jay for this great article!

When you think of Belgium, you think of stuffy EU bureaucrats passing laws about bendy bananas and not much else. Yet they managed to produce one of the best electronic acts since the invention of the keyboard. Goose are a quartet hailing from somewhere in said country. Despite not having any commercial success in the UK to date, they have created a massive buzz in the UK Dance and indie scenes alike (and the lead singer has a massive following on myspace). Unlike most acts these days who rely on hype and TV talent shows to get established, Goose are doing things the hard way and have built up a solid fan base through sheer hard graft and a never ending world tour.

Apparently they are very popular with the Brighton crowd – which is where they filmed the video for their debut single, the rather excellent "Black Gloves". The sight of four grown men whizzing round Brighton in a bunch of old skool go-karts is rather funny, but very appropriate for the rather catchy (mostly) instrumental tune - its like the Wacky Races all over again!

Debut album "Bring It On" is a slice of fantastic electronic music, mostly dancey but with a few mellower tracks thrown in for good measure such as "Slow Down" and the sublime "Safari Beach".

The buzz around Goose isn’t limited to a few NME journalists though as the Scissor Sisters commissioned them to remix "She’s My Man", turning it from rather bland “safe” 3rd single to a heady electro pop anthem. The mix can be heard in full on their myspace page. Latest single "Bring It On" follows the trend of previous singles, and gets JFK from MSTRKRFT on board for a fabulous remix and a rather strange video.

"Bring It On" the album is available from some good music retailers, and a few bad ones as well as several digital stores. Though it is easier to find on ebay along with the promo singles. If you are lucky, you might find the deluxe edition in your local HMV which includes several remixes and the rather fabulous Masters On Top.

In a strange coincidence, Goose are currently touring Australia as part of the Parklife extravaganza. Sounds like a pretty hot ticket to me!

Victoria Beckham's Stunning New Low

A couple of weeks ago I posted "My Love Is For Real" from Victoria Beckham's scrapped 2004 album and was genuinely surprised by the quality of the track. I even expressed my regret that the project was abandoned. Well, I take it all back. "My Love Is For Real" was the exception to the general rule of everything Skeletoria touches turning to shit. The poor thing is not only completely lacking in talent, she's also utterly delusional if the freshly leaked "Let My Hair Down" is any indication.

Victoria clearly wasn't satisfied with her first spectacularly unsuccessful urban makeover at the hands of Damon Dash and decided to have another stab at relaunching her career as a ghetto diva. What was the crazy bitch thinking? Dannii's "Party Jam" has more street cred than "Let My Hair Down". In fact, this sorry excuse for an urban jam is even less convincing than the two bowling balls attached to Sticky Vicky's chest. I'm not sure what's worse, the cheap production or Victoria inviting her man to "bounce" with her in da club. Bitch, please! The most disturbing thing is the fact that I have listened to this three and a half minute slice of aural torture more than once. I really am a whore for a useless diva with no discernible talent!

A big thanks to Magical Froggy for his stunning cover art!

Chloe's Lattanzi = Delicious

As Olivia Newton-John's only child, Chloe Lattanzi has been in the media spotlight since birth. Initially held up as the epitome of well-adjusted celebrity offspring, Chloe is now the poster girl for anorexia. Following Olivia's daughter over the past few years has been like watching a car crash in slow motion. I want to stop looking but I can't help myself. I don't want to focus too heavily on Chloe's many issues. They get enough coverage. I'm more interested in her fabulous and increasingly disturbing musical output. Chloe really needs to get her shit together because she has almost unlimited potential as a pop star.

Chloe's problems first came to the surface when she announced that she was going to follow in Olivia's footsteps by releasing an album. She was snapped up by Warner Australia in 2003 and soon generated a lot of buzz with her debut album, tentatively titled "Lonely Nights In Paradise". The album was completed and even promoted before Chloe pulled the plug and bought herself out of the contract, claiming she wanted greater artistic control. Since then, Chloe has been in one long tailspin - garnering more attention for her battle with anorexia and her alleged plastic surgery addiction than for her music. I think Chloe has simply buckled under the weight of expectation. I feel sorry for her. She knows she will be compared with her mother and judged more severely than other fledgling pop divas.

The great irony is that all the tracks leaked from "Lonely Nights In Paradise" have been fantastic. I'm sure the album would have been well received. Chloe has a great voice and more importantly, has something to say. Thankfully, she has continued to work on the album and it is scheduled to be released later this year with the new title, "No Pain". The first taste of her new material has caused quite a stir in Australia. "Delicious" is dark, disturbing and insanely catchy. The lyrics are genuinely confronting. Chloe sings about wasting away and pleads for help to survive. It feels perverse to say it but "Delicious" is actually a hugely enjoyable listen. The beats are hypnotic and the chorus has been stuck in my head for days. If this is any indication, "No Pain" should be an absolute winner.

"Delicious" was put up on Chloe's Myspace and is obviously a work in progress. Make sure you check out her other songs - particularly, "Magic", which samples her mother's #1 hit of the same name. Get well, girlfriend.

Swedish Trash Kings - Sunblock

Sunblock is a dance group comprised of two Swedish DJs. Not that you would know it from looking at their videos and album covers, which generally depict three buxom ladies in various states of undress. As you have probably already guessed, there is nothing high brow about Sunblock. Their first single was a remix of the Baywatch theme song, they specialise in trashy dance covers and their videos often feature Swedish tarts flashing their tits. Basically, they are my idea of musical bliss!

I feel like I've indulged in too much culture lately. I've been ranting about Robyn for days and I'm still buzzing about Brielle's acoustic show. An acoustic show with a real guitar! It's time to get back to my trashy roots and you can't really get any deeper into the gutter than Sunblock. Well, actually you can - but I need to keep something up my sleeve! Sunblock first came to my attention with their remixed Baywatch theme, "I'll Be Ready". I loved their sleazy image but was not particularly overwhelmed by the song. Given the group's non-existent profile in Australia, their other European hits passed me by until my friend Jay insisted I pay Sunblock some serious attention. I'm glad I did because Sunblock's treasure trove of trashy dance/pop gems is positively overwhelming!

Sunblock's stunning "The First Time" Clip

This post will focus on my two favourite Sunblock anthems. "The First Time" will be instantly familiar to anyone old enough to remember the late 1980s. Robin Beck scored a worldwide smash hit with the original when it was picked up as the theme song for a Coke advertisement. I've always considered Robin to be one of the most underrated divas in pop, so it's nice to discover that Sunblock invited her back to perform the vocals on their version. The resulting song sounds like Kelly Llorenna on crack. Yes, it's that good! "The First Time" made the top 10 in the UK and much of Europe but has been shamefully ignored in Australia. The same goes for Sunblock's stunning debut album, "I'll Be Ready". Even the album tracks are brilliant. I particularly love, "Tune In (My Frequency)". I'm not sure which diva provides the vocals but she is seriously fabulous!

If you need any further proof of Sunblock's brilliance, check out their latest video for "Baby Baby" (a stunning cover of Corona's 90s classic)! It comes in three formats. The standard clip with busty bimbos, an adult's only version with an eyeful of boobies and just to prove that they're not complete misogynists, there's even a classy poofter edit with shirtless men riding mechanical bulls! Bless.

A big thanks to Jay for all his help with this post! If you live in Europe, you can buy "The First Time" maxi-single as well as Sunblock's album, "I'll Be Ready", from CDON. Otherwise, you can order a copy from HMV UK or Amazon UK. Chaos are also selling import copies locally for $30.

Robyn Conquers Sydney

Last night's Robyn showcase was one of the most electric live performances I've ever seen. As someone who has played her recent album on repeat since its Swedish release in 2005, the opportunity to see the great woman in the flesh was something akin to a spiritual experience! I was expecting Robyn to be brilliant after reading rave reviews of her recent UK shows but I didn't count on such an amazing atmosphere. Within 30 seconds of Robyn taking the stage, you could almost sense the dawning realisation that we were witnessing something extraordinary. I have no doubt that Robyn's next Australian tour will grace far bigger venues than the tiny Art Factory. The chance to see a superstar at the height of her game, in such intimate surrounds, was an honour.

Robyn’s reputation as the queen of cool was reflected by the attendance of Sydney’s hilarious “it” crowd. The usual mix of painful socialites, z-list celebrities, underwear models, musicians and ex-Australian Idol contestants were all accounted for. A special mention goes to the delightful Roxane LeBrasse, who threw a bit of a diva tantrum in the queue outside the venue. Admittedly, the door Nazi was incredibly rude – even by Sydney’s lofty standards. Once everyone had descended into the freshly graffitied bowels of the old Central Stations Records warehouse, the posing began in earnest. I often wonder if there's some kind of unspoken competition to see who can look the most disinterested. Thankfully, there were enough genuine Robyn fans and Scandinavian groupies to inject some life into the proceedings.

At 10pm Robyn finally appeared on stage wearing a t-shirt printed with lyrics from Muscles’ dance smash “Ice Cream”. I've often thought that Robyn looks like an extra from The Lord Of The Rings in her videos and album covers, so I was really quite taken aback by how pretty she is in person. It’s also hard to believe she’s almost 30. Robyn still looks like a teenager. The set kicked off with a ferocious version of “Cobrastyle”. Robyn seemed genuinely surprised by the huge audience response. Fans were singing along to every word and even the posers put their attitude aside long enough to look vaguely excited. The setlist could not have been any more perfect with most of the album being covered. “Who’s That Girl?” followed “Crash And Burn Girl”, while the audience went wild for “Be Mine” and “Konichiwa Bitches”. I was very excited that Robyn sang my two favourite songs from the album – “Handle Me” and “Bum Like You” – and I think I might have slightly ejaculated when I heard the opening strains of “Keep This Fire Burning”!

One of the biggest surprises was Robyn’s poptastic interpretation of “Dream On”, which is infinitely superior to the studio version. The set ended with an exquisite rendition of “With Every Heartbeat”. Robyn even made forgetting the lyrics seem artistic by doing a crazy little dance towards the end! The frenzied crowd were not going to let Robyn leave that easily and she dutifully returned for an encore. I was hoping for some old school Robyn and was utterly thrilled to hear her bizarre, pared back version of “Show Me Love”. Robyn claimed that the song had been around since before she was born, which I find somewhat bizarre – isn’t Robyn listed as one of the co-writers? The spectacular show reached it conclusion with a punk interpretation of “Jack U Off”. Robyn’s performance lasted for slightly less than an hour but its impact on her Australian campaign will be massive. Robyn is one of the very rare artists who not only matches but surpasses the hype.

PS. “Konichiwa Bitches” is in stores today! Order your copy online here.

Melinda Jackson's New Video

The video has finally arrived for one of my favourite Australian pop songs of the year. Melinda Jackson's "Magic" is not so much a cover of the Police's "Every Little Thing That She Does Is Magic" as a complete musical overhaul. The result is a dose of pure, unadulterated pop! The fun video finds Melinda rolling around in bed, looking gorgeous as usual. I particularly like the quirky special effects! "Magic" is released on Monday. The single contains 7 fabulous mixes (including the awesome Moustache Club Mix) and can be purchased here. Bring on Melinda's debut album!

Brielle Davis - Vanguard Showcase

An acoustic gig is an intimidating prospect for the most seasoned pop diva. Without the protective buffer of a backing track and choreography, the focus falls squarely on the raw talent of the performer - the strength of their voice and the quality of their songs. Brielle Davis, however, is no ordinary pop tart. From the moment Brielle took to the intimate Vanguard stage on Sunday night, she held the audience in the palm of her pretty hand with brilliant acoustic interpretations of her own fine material and an eclectic selection of cover versions. If there were any doubts about Brielle being anything but the real deal, they had well and truly vanished by the conclusion of this mesmerising performance.

While Mamacita warmed the crowd with their funky blend of Latin infused hip hop, Brielle made a low key entrance and immediately started greeting friends, fans and family members. It hardly seems possible but Brielle is even more strikingly beautiful in person. With her pretty face framed by a mane of fire red curls, Brielle looked every bit the rock goddess in a sexy corset top and killer heels. Most importantly, Brielle has the raw talent to match her stunning looks. I can't think of many divas who could carry off an acoustic set of pared back pop songs with only the backing of a guitarist and a microphone. Brielle not only pulled it off, she enthralled everyone with the pure quality of her voice and the power of her music. The versatile set showcased Brielle's new material, included fan favourites and threw in some surprising cover versions for good measure.

Despite being relegated to a B-side, Brielle's sublime "Oxygen" is an Australian pop classic. The sense of obsession and longing that makes the original version such an unusual dance anthem became even more apparent in Brielle's haunting live version. Stripped of its electronic palette, the song was transformed into a beautifully desperate plea for love. Ever the chameleon, Brielle effortlessly switched from forlorn to funky with a sexy interpretation of "Cybersexual". The first of several new tracks, "Cybersexual" is a very modern love song with some eyebrow raising lyrics about hitting Brielle's "virtual spot"! An edgy studio version of "Cybersexual" could well be the breakout hit Brielle has been waiting for. Speaking of hits, the evening's warmest reception was reserved for a rousing rendition of "Serial Thriller", which had the entire crowd singing along.

An acoustic performance of "Serial Thriller" from another gig

Other highlights included the promising batch of new tracks and a quirky selection of cover versions. An inspired rendition of the Scissor Sister's "Take Your Mama Out" tore up the venue, while Brielle displayed her ability to rock with the best of them by covering Queens Of The Stone Age - if I'm not mistaken! The last time I saw Brielle perform, she was camping it up with a fabulous dance set at Arq nightclub. It speaks volumes for Brielle's astonishing versatility that she's equally at home playing a metal anthem on an acoustic guitar. By the end of the gig Brielle had proven beyond any shadow of a doubt that she is the complete package.

On a personal note, one of the many things I love about Brielle is the way she interacts with fans. Instead of disappearing like a diva, Brielle climbed off stage and mingled with the crowd for almost an hour. I was lucky enough to be introduced to Brielle and she is one of the sweetest people I have ever met. In fact, The Vanguard was positively swarming with members of the Davis clan - and I think I managed to chat with just about all them by the end of the night. What a cool family!

Those of you who missed the show can still revel in Brielle's acoustic brilliance with the announcement of a brand spanking new acoustic EP, "Crossing The Line". I'm hugely excited about the EP. The tracklisting is a fine mix of new and previously released material, making it the perfect album sampler. I can't wait for my copy to arrive in the post, so I can listen to Brielle's stunning acoustic version of "Oxygen" on repeat! "Crossing The Line" is exclusively available from Brielle's website and costs a very reasonable $10. You can listen to clips of all 7 tracks and order your copy here.

Essential Links

Brielle's Myspace
Brielle's Website
Take It Off (Andy Caldwell Mix) on YouTube
Serial Thriller on YouTube

The Return Of Cheyne!

Cheyne Coates has been missing in action since the demise of Madison Avenue and the dismal failure of her own solo career. It's a shame because the world of pop is a less colourful place without her fabulous presence. Thankfully, the DJs behind Canada's Soundbluntz have taken pity on poor Cheyne and asked her to provide vocals for their excellent track, "(Maybe You'll Get) Lucky". If you close your eyes, you'd be forgiven for thinking it was 1999 all over again. "Lucky" could easily slip into Madison Avenue's "Polyester Embassy" album - Cheyne's stunning voice is as expressionless as ever, the beats are similar and the lyrics cover Cheyne's favourite theme of looking sexy in a nightclub. Fans of Australia's most successful dance act will no doubt happily devour "Lucky".

Cheyne's funky anthem was recently released in the UK after a successful Canadian release. To my knowledge it is yet to chart. I'm sure "Lucky" would garner significantly more attention in Australia. Central Station Records - what are you waiting for?! In the meantime, you can purchase "Lucky" from HMV UK or order an import copy from Chaos.

Kelly Llorenna's New Anthems

After the astonishing lack of success that greeted Kelly Llorenna's last single, it appeared that the orange goddess had finally run out of chances. Thankfully, England's greatest living musical talent has found herself a fabulous new day job as the new voice of dance outfit, Love To Infinity. According to Love To Infinity's myspace, Kelly Llorenna has been hired to help celebrate the group's 15th anniversary by re-recording their biggest hit - 1995's "Keep Love Together". I'm not familiar with the original but I'm sure it has nothing on Kelly's amazing interpretation. The queen of fake tan's powerful vocals are on full display and the track definitely has an anthemic quality. You can hear the track on the group's myspace. As much as I admire "Keep Love Together", I prefer Kelly's other collaboration with Love To Infinity. "Sweetest Day Of May" is a gorgeous slice of retro dance-pop, which is reminiscent of K Lo's brilliant "Heart Of Gold".

It warms my heart to think that Kelly Llorenna's stunning talent is finally being properly harnessed. The release date for "Keep Love Together" is yet to be announced but I'm sure it will return K Lo to her rightful place in the lower reaches of the top 100.

Konichiwa Bitches - Australian Release

Expect an outbreak of Robyn-mania when the Swedish pop diva releases her first Australian single since 2003 on the 15th of September. "Konichiwa Bitches" has been an internet phenomenon since its Swedish release, so it's a smart choice to kickstart Robyn's Australian campaign. The record company has wisely coupled the hip hop anthem with "Cobrastyle", a song which better reflects Robyn's underlying pop sensibility. The tracklisting has been announced and there is at least one exciting surprise:

1. Konichiwa Bitches
2. Cobrastyle
3. Konichiwa Bitches (Trentemellor Remix)
4. Cobrastyle (Muscles Remix)
5. Konichiwa Bitches (Clean)

All of the songs have previously appeared on international versions of the single, except track 4, "Cobrastyle (Muscles Remix)". Muscles is possibly Australia's hottest DJ at the moment, recently scoring a huge dance hit with "Ice Cream". I can't wait to hear his take on "Cobrastyle"!

You can order "Konichiwa Bitches/Cobrastyle" from Chaos. In the meantime, check out the amazing "Konichiwa Bitches" film clip here.

From A*Teen To Glamour Bitch?

I'm not a huge fan of Swedish pop music. I love Robyn and worship stunning Bionda but I can take or leave most of the other budget divas. Until recently, I would have lumped Sara Love in the same trash can as her hideous former A*Teens bandmate, Marie Serneholt. Sara's first solo release, a cheap and nasty remake of Olivia Newton-John's "Physical", was inoffensive but entirely forgettable. I expected more of the same but I almost fell off my seat when Tommie sent me Sara's upcoming single, "Glamour Bitch"! The former A*Teen has followed in the footsteps of Fergie and Gwen Stefani by embracing her inner ghetto diva. The result is one of the least credible urban tracks in the history of modern music and I can't get enough of it! If the rest of Sara's album is this wonderfully craptastic, I'll be the first to sing its praises.

You can learn more about this tragifabulous diva on Sara's Myspace and fan site.

Madonna Is An Old Thief!

Oh yes, I went there! Madonna is a thief and I have irrefutable proof! And I'm not talking about the uncanny similarity between Oldfrapp's shiteous "The Beat Goes On" and every second song on Nelly Furtado's "Loose" album. Rather, I'm referring to a truly craptastic Australian act called Bliss, who lovingly crafted a mind-boggling dance cover of "American Pie" in 1997 - three years before Madonna unleashed her own tragic rendition upon the world. I have no doubt that Madge has nothing better to do in her free time than listen to flops by unknown Australian dance acts and decided to steal the idea for herself.

While Madonna's version continues to feature on worst cover version countdowns, the Bliss version is a lost classic. As far as I'm concerned, if you're going to destroy a classic - you might as well totally fucking tear it apart and piss all over it. And believe me, Bliss leave no stone unturned in their destruction of Don McLean's anthem. The cheesy keyboards and atrocious rapping will warm the heart of any self-respecting pop trash addict!

So what became of Bliss? I suspect that Madge had them killed to hide her deceit. Or perhaps they just went back to working at McDonald's. It's impossible to tell because there is literally no information about Bliss anywhere on the internet. I can't even confirm if the song was ever officially released. I do know, however, that Bliss had some wicked style (check out their sublime outfits!) and knew how to cover a classic. If anyone knows more about this fabulously untalented duo, please let me know!

A big thank you to Steen for sending me this lost gem. Girlfriend, we are totally on the same wavelength!

Victoria's Scrapped Single

I love Victoria Beckham as a celebrity. Her "reality" TV show was pure bliss and I get a warm feeling inside every time I see her emaciated figure pinned into an unflattering designer gown on the red carpet. As a pop star, however, Skeletoria was as useless as an ashtray on a motorbike. Sticky Vicky's debut album showcased her lack of vocal talent to a terrifying extent, while her subsequent urban makeover still draws snickers of laughter. Despite her musical shortcomings, the recent leak of a new VB song still managed to trigger a ripple of excitement through the Spice Girls' amazingly loyal fanbase.

I'm no authority on Victoria's career, so I asked internationally renowned Spice expert Magical Froggy to provide some details on the story behind the Cathy Dennis penned track, "My Love Is For Real". Here's what he had to say:

"The single was supposed to be released in the summer of 2004 (after the Xmas success of Let Your Head Go/This Groove), but that was when the Rebecca Loos thing happened. Victoria was put under a lot of pressure by the media saying the affair was her fault as she was away all the time working on her failing music career. She then quit her music for the sake of her marriage. The most infuriating thing in my eyes! It's not Victoria's fault if David can't keep his dick under control!"

It's a shame that Victoria decided to pull the plug on her career after finally recording a decent song. "My Love Is For Real" is a lovely mid-tempo electro number that becomes more enjoyable with each listen. An album of this kind of material would have been most welcome but I guess it wasn't to be.

Thanks to everyone who sent me "My Love Is For Real". Magical Froggy deserves a special mention for his insight into Victoria's career and the fabulous mock cover. And no, I'm not sure what the fish is all about either!

Deni Hines - Album & Tour Details

I still can't believe that Deni Hines resides in glamorous Manly Vale (not to be confused with beach side Manly). Girlfriend must really be down on her luck to live in a suburb best known for its nursing homes and Liquorland. One benefit of living in the arsehole of Sydney is the constant attention Deni receives from the Manly Daily. Friday's edition was a veritable cornucopia of Deni goodness with an appearance on the front cover, a full page picture and an interview about her new jazz album. The project sounds fantastic and Deni's latest image transformation is absolutely stunning. I'm going to see Deni perform songs from the album at The Vanguard next week, so expect to read more about delicious Deni shortly!