The E.N.D. - Pop Trash Review

Halfway through "The E.N.D." I was ready to declare it the best pop album of 2009, such is the brilliance of tracks like "I Gotta Feeling", "Alive" and "Rock That Body". Unfortunately, the albums loses a bit of momentum and the second half is something of a letdown in comparison. That doesn't change the fact that "The E.N.D." is an extraordinarily fun album. This is one of those rare discs that you could spin at a party and be guaranteed to please the vast majority of people in the room. The move towards electro and dance is inspired and no act in modern music bridges the gap between hip hop and pop better than the Black Eyed Peas.

Given their usually obtuse lyrics about Fergie's humps and endless sex appeal, it comes as something of a surprise that the band has a theme this time around. I guess you could even call "The E.N.D." a concept album of sorts. In the liner notes will.i.am writes eloquently about the death of record stores and the demise of music in a physical form - and this collection of tunes deals with what comes next. It's all about the future of music and that's reflected in the robotic beats, computerised voice effects and fearless blending of genres. There's even a song about Facebook and Myspace! The result is a fresh and exciting album that sometimes buckles under the weight of its own epic scale. Coming in at 25 tracks (if you buy the Deluxe Edition and I highly recommend you do), "The E.N.D." is almost overwhelming. However, in the days of individual track downloading and homemade playlists, it's easy to come up with a version to suit almost everyone and, to be honest, I think that's the whole point of "The E.N.D." - to celebrate the digital world and all the new opportunities it brings.

Here's my track by track review:


Boom Boom Pow - 8/10

This sets the tone of the album perfectly with its robotic voice effects and futuristic beats. However, it's not representative of the rest of the songs at all. "Boom Boom Pow" is the only track that has been deconstructed to such a devastating extent. I know a lot of people despise "Boom Boom Pow" but I think it's clever, post modern and ridiculously catchy despite (or perhaps because of) its minimalist approach. That being said, I couldn't cope with a whole album of this shit without falling into some kind of hypnotic trance. Thankfully the Peas realise this and are smart enough not to use the same trick twice.

Rock That Body - 8.5/10

French DJ David Guetta joins will.i.am for production duties on this epic dance track and the result is surprisingly brilliant. In fact, you could be forgiven for mistaking "Rock That Body" for a Daft Punk song. That's not to say it's a rip off. The mash of electronic and trance elements has been done before but not within the context of urban music. I particularly love the sample of Lynn Collins' disco classic "Think (About It)" and can see this being a club smash.

Meet Me Halfway - 10/10

This is my equal favourite song on "The E.N.D." and I'm incredibly bitter that it's been wasted as one of three pre-album promotional singles along with "Imma Be" and "Alive". It's such a relief to have Fergie take over vocal duties after remaining very much in the background for the first two tracks. In fact, the holy Queen of urban pop takes a backseat for most of the album. You can still hear old methhead's stunning vocals on almost every track but she doesn't rule the microphone to the extent she has on past albums - a clear ploy to distinguish "The E.N.D." from "The Dutchess", which (let's face it) featured almost exactly the same line-up of producers and songwriters. It works in places but there's no denying the album lifts every time we hear that fergalicious voice and "Meet Me Halfway" is a perfect example. This glorious synth drenched, pure pop anthem channels Madonna and Stacey Q at the height of their mid-80s fabulousness. I really hope Fergie's next solo album sounds a little something like this.


Imma Be - 3/10

I can appreciate the skill displayed on this track. The production is slick and the rhymes are tight but I'm too gay, too old and way too white to sing along to lyrics like "Y'all niggers wanna talk shit"!

I Gotta Feeling - 10/10

David Guetta has been one of the world's hottest DJs for years but if "I Gotta Feeling" is anywhere near as huge as I think it's going to be, it's only a matter of time before he's an A-list producer as well. The second single from "The E.N.D." is quite simply the year's best party anthem. This is the perfect soundtrack for a big night out. "I Gotta Feeling" captures the moment of standing in front of the mirror on a Saturday night, flattening your asymmetrical haircut or undertaking some last minute manscaping. It's about the excitement of what's to come and the potential the night holds. This is uplifting, catchy and utterly joyous.


Alive - 9/10

This is another fantastic song that was rudely wasted as a promotional single. Will.i.am returns to the production desk for this gorgeous disco-soul-hip hop hybrid. As sunny and relaxed as a Sunday afternoon, "Alive" is an unexpected treat among all the club bangers and party anthems. This loses one point for a bit of vocoder overkill. Other than that, this breezy little gem is almost perfect.

Missing You - 8.5/10

Fergie pushes the pretenders aside to belt out the chorus on this winner. Produced by Printz Board (the man who crafted "Differently" for Cassie Davis), "Missing You" is a poptastic chorus wedged between electro verses and rap interludes. Like "Differently", it sounds like three different songs rolled into one but in this case it works.

Ring-A-Ling - 5/10

Despite being catchy in an incredibly annoying kind of way, "Ring-A-Ling" is a song in search of a melody. Think of this as an uptempo version of "Boom Boom Pow" without the killer rhymes. The production (courtesy of Keith Harris) is dazzling but as mum always says, you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. However, this is perfectly acceptable as an album track.



Party All The Time - 8/10

Yet another effortlessly uplifting and catchy party anthem. And again it's Fergie's vocal that lifts this track to the next level. The almost industrial electro beats are sometimes overwhelming but I defy you not to move your feet. I love the trashy lyrics and Fergie sings the hell out of the chorus. This just makes you want to down a beer and throw your hands in the air. My favourite lyric is "I want to party like Ibiza, we don't need a visa" and when Fergie begs "take me to the club so we can dance". This distills every fun weekend you've every had and rolls them all into one song.

Out Of My Head - 8/10

Fergie's only real lead vocal is on a track about being pissed in a club. Classy! It took me a couple of listens to warm to the deep funk of "Out Of My Head" but I like it more every time I hear it. The brass is a nice surprise and the line where Fergie demands vodka and Red Bull is seriously fabulous. This sounds a little like Jamiroquai - if he were a cheap, drunken whore on the prowl for penis.

Electric City - 5/10

A slightly monotonous rap track with migraine inducing sound effects. I swear Fergie sings "pictures of my dick, no my dildo". If that's the case, I take it all back and give this 10/10.

Showdown - 6.5/10

Band member apl.de.ap is given production duties on "Showdown" and he does a good job. It's nice to actually hear a couple of real instruments and the dance-hip hop blend works well, particularly in the chorus. I just think this is missing the hook to take it to the next level but it's decent filler.


Now Generation - 6/10

This is the song I mentioned earlier about social networking sites. It's fun and suits the album's theme but the lyrics are pretty embarrassing given that Fergie & co are all staring down the barrel of middle age. "Now Generation" has potential but the production is underdone and again, it lacks a hook. Even Fergie's wicked chorus can't save it.

One Tribe - 7/10

After a string of uninspiring electro-rap numbers, the Peas redeem themselves on this world music flavoured call for peace. I love the "woahs" and the simple lyrics are inspiring without being preachy. Think of this as the upbeat cousin of their breakthrough smash "Where Is The Love". C'mon, let's catch amnesia!

Rockin' To The Beat - 6.5/10

This disco meets electro floorfiller is a blatant excuse to play around with different production techniques and technologies. It's fun but there's no meaning to or emotion behind it and the song ultimately brings nothing new to "The E.N.D.". That said it's a perfectly harmless conclusion to an otherwise fun album.

Bonus Disc

Where You Wanna Go - 8.5/10

I can't believe this catchy little tune didn't make the final cut! "Where You Wanna Go" has hit written all over it! Will.i.am's short bursts of rap cradle a remarkable pop-rock chorus that allows Fergie to show off her powerful pipes. This is definitely worth hunting down.

Simple Little Melody - 9/10

Boys Noize are a relatively unknown German production outfit but I wish the Peas had hired them to produce more than this solitary track. "Simple Little Melody" is a wicked cross between Eiffel 65 and Royksopp that wouldn't sound out of place on a 90s trance compilation. Well, the bits without the futuristic effects anyway! This delivers exactly what the title promises - a simple little melody that gets stuck in your head and refuses to budge. It's worth buying the Deluxe Edition of "The E.N.D." for this gem alone. As Fergie sings, this "equals BEP, bitch"!

Mare - 4/10

Unfortunately, this isn't about a horse. It's just another rape of an old A R Rahman song. Can the Indian craze please be over soon? I'm yet to hear anything decent come from it and that includes PCD's abysmal "Jai Ho".

Don't Bring Me Down - 7/10

Slightly reminiscent of "Pump It", this joyous little number borrows elements from 70s rock and soul. The rap verses are slightly boring but the feel good chorus is another winner. It's just not quite as polished as the other party anthems on the album.

That's The Joint - 2/10

An unnecessary jazz improv session that feels extremely out of place. "That's The Joint" really should be collecting dust on a studio shelf somewhere.

Another Weekend - 4.5/10

This boring and anonymous hip hop jam will only appeal to urban fans. Fergie's vocal is slinky and sexy but this goes nowhere fast.

Bonus Remixes - 7/10

The bonus disc also includes the following remixes of previous BEP hits. They're all fun but none of them improve on the original. That being said, they're nice to have in the collection and it's nice to get some value for money for a change.

Pump It Harder (a remix of "Pump It")
Let's Get Re-Started (a remix of "Let's Get Retarded")
Shut The Phunk Up (a remix of "Shut Up")
Don't Phunk Around (a remix of "Don't Phunk With My Heart")

A Grower Not A Shower

No, I'm not talking about my cock - rather the latest single from emerging Aussie pop star Cassie Davis. "Differently" is one of those annoying songs I want to hate but can't. It completely rubs me the wrong way but I still find myself humming the lyrics every time it comes on the radio, which seems like every five minutes. After a month of saturation airplay, I think I'm finally ready to come out of the closet and begrudgingly admit that I quite like "Differently", making it the year's most persistent grower.

Even when I was in denial I had to admit that "Differently" has one major asset: a killer chorus that grabs you by the balls and refuses to let go. Seriously, this shit is more infectious than HIV at a bareback party! Unfortunately, the rest of the song leaves a lot to be desired. The intro is stilted, the verses are disjointed and the rap interlude (courtesy of Katy Perry's boyfriend) is the height of desperation. But despite all its flaws, the song still works thanks to that amazing chorus and the relentlessly upbeat lyrics about being true to yourself. Printz Board's catchy production doesn't hurt either.

"Differently" may have won me over but the jury is still out on Cassie Davis. I don't know why I'm so underwhelmed by her. Her debut "Like It Loud" did absolutely nothing for me but I did enjoy the B-side (a cover of The Cure's "Boys Don't Cry"). My biggest problem with Cassie is her image. She just comes across as the girl next door doing her best P!nk impersonation. There's nothing wrong that but it does irritate me when she boasts about her individuality despite being the obvious product of Sony's marketing machine. That being said, "Differently" shows real potential and I am excited to hear her album.

In the meantime, check out the video clip. There's a reason for all that green screen. Fans were invited to design the background through a competition on Cassie's website. I can't wait to see what they come up with. Hopefully there's an adults only entrant!

Liza With A Z

Last night I went to the Australian premiere of "Liza With A Z" at the Sydney Film Festival. I already own the DVD (it was released in America a couple of years ago) but I couldn't resist the opportunity to hear Liza's comments in the highly publicised, live-via-satellite Q&A session. Unfortunately, in true diva style, Liza cancelled at the last minute. A representative cited exhaustion in the wake of her recent Tony Award win but I'm guessing that's just code for "passed out in a bowl of coke". I was disappointed for about 30 seconds but then the film started and all was forgiven.

Everything about "Liza With A Z" is extraordinary. Bob Fosse's direction is as sharp and precise as his dazzling choreography, while the music - most of which was written specifically for the show by Kander & Ebb - lifts the concert from a mere performance into the realm of modern art. And then, there's Liza. Fresh from the success of Cabaret, at the very height of her formidable powers. Liza's vocal performance is staggering but I'm even more impressed with her dancing and comedic timing. She was the original triple threat! The result is 51 minutes of unmissable pop culture that won 4 Emmys and delivered Liza's only US top 20 album.

It's impossible to pick a favourite performance. The soundtrack hasn't really left my stereo since I was teenager, so I know each and every song back to front. There simply isn't a dud in the show. I love all the cover versions. "My Mammy", "Son Of A Preacher Man" and "God Bless The Child" are all vocally impeccable, while the staging of "I Gotcha" and "Bye Bye Blackbird" revolutionised pop concerts. Madonna, or more precisely her choreographer, ruthlessly ripped off the latter in both her Blond Ambition and Girlie Show tours. As great as the covers are, the real gems for me are the Kander & Ebb numbers. The Cabaret medley makes a fittingly brilliant finale but the songs written for the show are just as good. "Yes" is wonderfully upbeat, while the title track is as gay as it gets. However, if I had to choose a highlight it would be "Ring Them Bells". I've always loved this song. The witty lyrics never fail to crack me up and it's hard not to identify with the desperate adventures of Shirley Davore. Unfortunately all I got in Dubrovnik was a bad case of diarrhoea! Make sure you check out Liza's stunning performance below.

As far as I know, there are no plans to release "Liza With A Z" in Australia but I think that might change with her upcoming tour. If you can't wait (and I don't blame you), it's easy and relatively inexpensive to order the DVD from Amazon.

Pop Panel - Week 4

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The Modern Homosexual's Guide To Barbra Streisand Vol. 1 - The 1960s

I was invited to a dinner party recently, which was held by a lovely couple in their 60s. I had a great time chatting with the EOGs (Extremely Old Gays) about musicals, showtunes and Liza's upcoming Australian tour. As the night wore on, a slightly inebriated gentleman with a rather large nose put a fruit bowl on his head and burst into an impromptu rendition of "Hello Dolly" - which went down a storm with everyone except my friend who sat there with a blank look on his face. He wasn't being rude. He just didn't get the Streisand reference at all. When I explained it, he just said "who gives a shit about that old bag anyway?" Well, I was completely outraged. Call me a stereotype if you will but I think there should be a law requiring all gays to own at least one Babsi "Best Of"! Barbra Streisand is not only one of the greatest vocalists of all time, she's also one of our most enduring gay icons. Like her or lump her, it's hard to deny that Barbra is a part of our gay cultural heritage.

The thing is, I totally understand why younger gays find Barbra such a monumental bore. I would feel exactly the same if the only exposure I'd had to her music was dirge like "A Love Like Ours" and mind numbing collaborations with Celine Dion and Bryan Adams. Happily, there's so much more to Babs than boring ballads and dire duets. In her halcyon days, Barbra changed image more frequently than Madonna and experimented with every genre I can think of apart from death metal and rap. My favourite period is the 1970s when she dabbled in disco, soul, pop, soft rock, folk and classical music. I was going to focus on that decade to highlight her versatility but I wanted to give a brief overview of Barbra's career from the very beginning. However, I'm not going to spend a lot of time on the 1960s because most of her output from that decade simply doesn't connect with modern pop fans. I just know that sentence sent some aging tranny into cardiac arrest but as much as I personally love it, something like "Je m'appelle Barbra" is about as relevant to people who grew up listening to Britney and Christina as "The Best Of Bing Crosby". There are, however, more than enough highlights from the swinging 60s that resonate with gays of all ages.

Barbra started her career singing in nightclubs way back in 1960, making her the original Queen of clubs - sorry, Dannii! The struggling 18 year old gained enough notoriety to be invited to perform on a plethora of television shows and made a name for herself interpreting classics like "A Sleepin' Bee", "Nobody's Heart (Belongs To Me)" and "Moon River". The diva's first big break came in the 1962 Broadway production "I Can Get It For You Wholesale", where she played the hapless secretary Miss Marmelstein. That role led to a contract with Columbia Records and they released her debut album in 1963. As magnificent as her early recordings are (I particularly love "The Second Barbra Streisand Album"), I can't see them winning over too many new fans. This kind of music simply isn't made anymore. However, one performance from this era that everyone needs to see is Babsi's appearance on The Judy Garland Show. Talk about a clash of the titans! Imagine Kylie & Madonna - if they had really good voices - sitting down to chat and belt out a few of their favourite tunes. Their medley of "Get Happy" and "Happy Days Are Here Again" (below) is pure bliss and required viewing for everyone.

The next essential career milestone for Barbra was winning the role of Fanny Brice in the Broadway musical "Funny Girl", which ran for more than 1000 shows from March 1964. Babs reprised her character in the film adaptation and won an Academy Award for her scintillating portrayal in 1969. The movie is an absolute treat and very highly recommended. I've almost worn out my DVD! The title track is glorious, "People" never loses its shine but the undisputed highlight for me is "Don't Rain On My Parade", which has become part of popular culture and the subject of many a drag act. 1964 also saw the release of what could be described as Barbra's first pop album. "People" is very easy listening by today's standard but fans of beautifully performed ballads that haven't been overproduced to the point of being ridiculous should dig this out of their mother's record collection.

The rest of the 1960s was filled with television specials (check out the amazing "My Name Is Barbra" and the trippy "Colour Me Barbra") and movies - most notably the camp classic "Hello Dolly" and the Vincente Minnelli directed "On A Clear Day You Can See Forever". Both are considered sub par by critics. Even Barbra has expressed her distaste for "Hello Dolly" but I find it utterly joyous (particularly if you watch it after smoking a bong), While "On A Clear Day" is one of the most beautifully staged musicals I've ever seen. The score is lovely and the costumes are divine. Sure the storyline is complete rubbish but you can't have everything! By the close of the decade, Barbra was already Hollywood royalty but by the end of the 1970s she would be an icon. Stay tuned for that next week.

Now this shit is GAY!

Soraya - The Deluxe Edition!

There was an amazing surprise waiting for me in the letterbox this afternoon. Hiding beneath all the bills and junk mail was a package from my lovely Spanish gays, Pablo and Fernando. They were kind enough to send me a copy of "Sin Miedo - The Deluxe Edition" in addition to a film that culminates in a woman biting off a man's cock. As much as I enjoyed my introduction to the wonderful world of Spanish cinema, I'm even more ecstatic about the Soraya album. I'm just so proud that she's decided to follow in the fabulous footsteps of Dannii by re-releasing an album that no one bought in the first place!

Despite being a rather desperate ploy to cash in on Soraya's stunning Eurovision "success", the deluxe edition of "Sin Miedo" is actually rather classy. Sure, there are only two bonus tracks - the previously released "Hasta El Final" and a remix of "La Noche Es Para Mi" that could well have been whipped up on Soraya's home computer - but the real treat is the bonus DVD and photo gallery. Who needs gay porn when you can watch all 8 of Soraya's trashtastic video clips in a row? It's fascinating to see how the Spanish diva's sound and image has evolved. The early clips are hilarious, particularly the kung fu dance moves in "Mi Mundo Sin Ti" and the karaoke themed "Call Me".

It's hard to pick a favourite video from all these classy gems but, if pushed, I would have to go with "La Dolce Vita" (below). Not only is it a fantastic cover of a classic song, the clip is the trashiest thing I've seen since Suzy Ray revolutionised the visual medium as we know it with "Disco In My Car". Everything about "La Dolce Vita" is perfect. The costumes are glamorous, the choreography is fun and Soraya looks breathtakingly gorgeous. I really think my future wife should choose the best songs from her two English albums and try her luck outside Spain. Who could resist such a fabulous goddess? Anyway, the re-release seems to be working for her at home. "Sin Miedo" sits at #33 in the Spanish charts this week. Now that's what I call Dannii-esque $ucce$$!

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Heidi?

I know my writing can be distinctly tongue in cheek, so let me clarify in advance that this post is not intended to be ironic or sarcastic in any way. I honestly believe that Heidi Montag is one of the leading lights of modern pop music. There, I said it! Since her first recording leaked in 2007, the reality TV star has unleashed pop gems at an alarming rate. Songs like "Fashion", "Overdosin" and "Your Love Found Me" rival anything in the charts and yet Heidi is still staging fake weddings in Mexico to drum up publicity. Despite hooking up with some of the world's hottest producers, the poor bitch is no closer to a scoring a hit record than Tila Tequila and the reason is blindingly obvious - Team Montag doesn't have a clue.

Camping it up for "Overdosin" - my favourite Heidi track

Heidi Montag the pop star was always going to be a hard sell. This is a woman who is primarily famous for having the world's biggest douche as a boyfriend and sunbaking in skimpy bikinis. In other words, she's a typical Gen Y celebrity. Unfortunately, a degree of notoriety isn't a free ticket to chart success. People need to believe that Heidi is taking music seriously - not just using it as a means to fund her next breast augmentation. On that front, I think she's done pretty well by working with some of the hottest songwriters and producers (David Foster, Red One, Cathy Dennis etc) in the game. Heidi's problem lies in what comes next. Premiering your music on Perez Hilton and then dumping the songs on iTunes is not a well thought out marketing campaign! Either is spending a fortune on hot tracks only to release them with a cheesy home made video clip filmed by your drunk boyfriend. Heidi needs to settle on a single and give it a proper push - learn a dance routine, ask Britney for miming hints and do some traditional promotion in clubs and on television. I dread to think how she plans to promote her upcoming album. Simply being on The Hills isn't enough.

More fabulousness from "Overdosin"

Proof in point is the media whore's latest single. Penned by the amazing Cathy Dennis, "Blackout" is a top notch pop tune tailor made for the American market. I love everything about it - from the sweet chorus to the hook laden verses (those "woahs" get lodged in your head and simply refuse to leave). There's nothing particularly original or cutting edge about the track, it's just an old fashioned dose of well crafted pop music. I still think "Overdosin" is Heidi's masterpiece but this comes pretty close. What a shame then that it has to suffer the indignity of a poorly promoted iTunes release and possibly the year's most tragic video (below). The trash addict in me aches for this kind of shit but the song deserves better. You can download "Blackout" from Australian iTunes now.