Hard Candy - The Pop Trash Review

"Hard Candy" is the musical equivalent of being fisted by a thick wristed dwarf - a potentially amusing experiment that turns out to be nothing more than a monumentally embarrassing pain in the arse. Somebody wake me when Madonna's mid-life crisis is over. 1.5/10

Kylie - In My Arms

With the hugely anticipated release of Dannii's "Club Disco" next week (for details check out Dannii's Dirty Box!), it's easy to forget that Kylie's latest Australian single hit shelves yesterday. "In My Arms" hasn't generated a lot of interest in Australia, which is a shame because it's a cracking pop tune. Calvin Harris has created something fresh and original, yet quintessentially Kylie. I love the spoken bits - "How do you describe a feeling?" is already iconic among fans - and the hands in the air chorus is still divine more than a year after the song's initial leak. I put the lukewarm response down to the complete absence of promotion and the delay in announcing concert dates. What the hell is going on, Warner Australia?

On a brighter note, the single tracklist and digital bundles are a lot of fun. There has been some whinging about the lack of B-sides but I find that a bit rich after the multitude we received with "Wow" and "2 Hearts". This time around, the focus is on remixes and, happily, they include some of the best Kylie has done in years. The tracklistings are as follows:

The Physical Single
1. In My Arms
2. In My Arms (Death Metal Disco Scene Remix)
3. In My Arms (Sebastien Leger Remix)
4. Can't Get You Out Of My Head (Greg Kurstin Remix)

iTunes Download Bundle 1
1. In My Arms
2. In My Arms (Death Metal Disco Scene Remix)
3. In My Arms (Sebastien Leger Remix)
4. Can't Get You Out Of My Head (Greg Kurstin Remix)

iTunes Download Bundle 2
1. In My Arms
2. In My Arms (Chris Lake Vocal Mix)
3. In My Arms (Sebastien leger Remix)
4. In My Arms (Steve Pitron & Max Sanna Mix)
5. In My Arms (Spitzer Remix)
6. In My Arms (Death Metal Disco Scene Remix)

I particularly recommend the fantastic Steve Pitron & Max Sanna Mix of "In My Arms" and Greg Kurstin's phenomenal electro reinvention of "Can't Get You Out Of My Head". You can download the bundles from iTunes or order a physical copy from Chaos. I'm sure you've all seen the amazing "In My Arms" video but check out the fabulous 'making of' documentary below. I love Kylie's cake slicing skills - for a minute there you get an amusing glimpse of the suburban Melbourne housewife Kylie most likely would have become if she didn't get lucky, lucky, lucky. Bless.

CC Martini - Double Dutch

Australia's first lady of hip-hop infused pop is back! Regular readers will remember CC Martini from last year, when her brilliant "Champagne Taste" caused quite a stir. The follow up has been 6 months in the making but "Double Dutch" is well worth the wait. Another eclectic mix of hip hop, pop and rock, "Double Dutch" sounds like the retarded bastard child of Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" and Toni Basil's "Mickey" - and I mean that as a massive compliment! CC's amusing rap verses bookend a catchy chanted chorus against a backdrop of roaring guitars and electro beats. The result is a demented burst of killer pop music with some truly memorable lyrics. After rapping about her stint as a pot dealer on "Champagne Taste", CC turns her attention to the schoolyard for this opus and dishes out some helpful hints - including this gem:

You got dry skin
Rub some lotion in
You know the secret, girls
It's your man's potion

If I'm not mistaken, Ms Martini is advising school girls to moisturise with cum! The video is another simple but effective adventure brimming with colour and bad dancing. Check it out below. "Double Dutch" is available to download from iTunes now. It's worth picking up the dance remixes while you're at it. CC's debut album, "All The Way", is scheduled for release on the 10th of May. Check her Myspace for more details.

I'm Migrating To Camp Mariah!

I've never been a huge Mariah Carey fan. Her first few albums were far too ballad heavy for my liking and her eventual move towards hip hop didn't really appeal to me either. That said, I have loved a lot of Mimi's singles over the years ("Fantasy", "Loverboy", "It's Like That", "Always Be My Baby" and "Emotions" all come rushing to mind) and I do enjoy her crazy diva antics. I've just had trouble stomaching a whole album - up until now. Mariah is the first big diva to deliver a consistently entertaining pop album in 2008. "E=MC²" is wildly uneven but it still manages to deliver a killer batch of soulful grooves, pretty ballads and mid-tempo jams. The album took me a couple of listens to get into but now I'm hooked. That's not to say "E=MC²" is perfect by any means. It's often repetitive, overly clinical, lacks any kind of emotional depth and stays a little too true to "The Emancipation Of Mimi" blueprint. However, as an enjoyable slice of expertly produced urban pop, "E=MC²" is hard to beat. Here is my track by track review:

Migrate Ft. T-Pain - 9/10

This insanely catchy party anthem makes me want to get crunk in the club and I don't even know what the hell that means! "Migrate" is a four minute demonstration of why Danja is currently the hottest producer in urban music. Unusual hooks (I love the quirky panpipes) blend with hypnotic beats and layered vocals to create an epic sound palette. Once you add Mariah's formidable voice and T-Pain's rap into the mix, you're left with a most irresistible concoction. That's not mentioning the fabulous lyrics that will no doubt have a lasting impact on pop culture. I've been wowing my friends all week by suggesting we migrate to McDonalds. Just don't make the mistake of declaring that you need to migrate to the toilet because that just drew blank looks...

Touch My Body - 8/10

I hated "Touch My Body" the first twenty or so times I heard it but the chorus eventually became lodged in my brain and I now consider it one of Mariah's better singles. The appeal of "Touch My Body" lies in its simplicity. The sexy lyrics and uncluttered, almost sparse production (courtesy of The Dream) make this breezy mid-tempo groove a memorable piece of pop fluff. Make sure you track down the awesome Seamus Haji remixes. Unfortunately, only one of them is available from Australian iTunes.

Cruise Control Ft. Damian Marley - 5.5/10

Mimi takes a brief reggae detour on "Cruise Control" with mixed results. I love the verse where she puts on a faux Jamaican accent only to sound like a crazy white woman who has just demolished a bucket bong but apart from that this effort is distinctly average. Damian Marley injects some life into the proceedings but even he can't revive Jermaine Dupri's sluggish production.


I Stay In Love - 7/10

Bryan Michael Cox has co-written some of Mariah's biggest hits over the past couple of years including the brilliant "Don't Forget About Us" and "Shake It Off". "I Stay In Love" isn't quite in the same league as those anthems but it does stand out as one of the few songs on "E=MC²" to showcase Mimi's fabulous voice to any great extent. Mariah has faced a lot of criticism for her vocal acrobatics in the past but I really think the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction. Restraint is a virtue but I'd like Mariah to drag out her dog whistle and really let loose every now and again. As it stands, "I Stay In Love" is a pleasant mid-tempo ballad. The song is actually quite sweet if you ignore the trashy lyrics about riding shotgun with the roof down!

Side Effects Ft. Young Jeezy - 7.5/10

"E=MC²" really does feature the who's who of urban pop producers. Scott Storch takes over the controls for "Side Effects" and delivers a hook laden anthem complete with electronic bleeps and beats. It's also one of the few songs to contain lyrics that venture outside the club or the bedroom. "Side Effects" is a none too subtle jab at ex-husband Tommy Mottola ("I was a girl you were The Man, I was too young to understand") and offers some interesting insights into their failed marriage. This isn't your usual urban pop by the numbers and it's all the better for it.

I'm That Chick - 9/10

This is probably what Madonna wanted "Hard Candy" to sound like before Timbaland turned her into an embarrassing Keri Hilson impersonator. "I'm That Chick" is an utterly infectious dancefloor anthem that can only be described as urban disco. Produced by Stargate, the Norwegian team behind Rihanna's "Don't Stop The Music", "I'm That Chick" is Mariah's most instantly appealing track since "Fantasy". With killer beats, lyrics that subtly reference smoking marijuana and a chorus more addictive than crack, this positively screams out to be a single! A hugely enjoyable dose of classic Mimi.

Love Story - 3.5/10

Jermaine Dupri needs to stop ruining albums with his coma inducing slow jams. If Mimi was smart she would have locked him out of the studio after hearing Janet's shiteous "Discipline" album. Instead she was left with this mammoth bore that stands out as one of the few truly rubbish tracks on the album. Skip this shit.


I'll Be Lovin' U Long Time - 9/10

Asian prostitutes finally have an anthem of their very own! Given the trashy title, I wasn't expecting much from "I'll Be Lovin' U Long Time" but it turns out to be one of the album's absolute highlights. A throwback to 70s soul music (someone please remind me which Debarge song it samples!) with a distinctly contemporary edge, this gem shows Mariah in a completely new light. Mimi really needs to explore this sound further in the future instead of simply treading water with mid-tempo grooves featuring rent-a-rappers. DJ Toomp deserves special credit for his fresh and inspired production.

Last Kiss - 5/10

"Last Kiss" immediately loses a point due to the unnecessary introduction by Janet's troll husband. The song itself is inoffensive enough but it could easily be slotted into any Mariah album since "Rainbow". If I want to listen to Mimi on auto-pilot, I'll just drag out my copy of "The Emancipation Of Mimi". "Last Kiss" is more filler than killer and really should be gathering dust on a recording studio shelf.

Thanx 4 Nothin' - 8/10

Yet another Jermaine Dupri production, "Thanx 4 Nothin'" stuns by not being completely shit. I hope Janet dildo whipped that troll after hearing this gem! "Thanx 4 Nothin'" follows Dupri's usual mid-tempo blueprint but it avoids his usual mediocrity with its universal lyrics and Mariah's heartfelt vocals. Everyone can identify with the subject matter and it's nice to hear Mimi finally let loose. The song is also jam packed with catchy vocal hooks and interesting production flourishes. "Thanx 4 Nothin'" isn't exactly groundbreaking but it is quality urban pop by the numbers.

O.O.C. - 7/10

After a duo of slow jams, Mariah raises the tempo with a typically bouncy Swizz Beatz production. "O.O.C." is an enjoyable mix of samples, unusual hooks and meaningless lyrics that never really goes anywhere. Not that it matters. The whole point of "O.O.C." is to make people move and it more than achieves that goal. Given the number of different producers who worked their magic on "E=MC²", it is a surprisingly cohesive album.


For The Record - 7/10

Mariah finally unleashes the dog whistle - better late than never! "For The Record" is another collaboration with Bryan Michael Cox and this is a more worthy successor to "Don't Forget About Us" than "I Stay In Love". In fairness, both songs are very similar but "For The Record" has an almost haunting quality that "I Stay In Love" is missing. I love the strings and Mimi's vocal delivery. I have a feeling this will grow on me more with each listen.

Bye Bye - 1/10

"Bye Bye" is one of the most cynical and shameless marketing exercises I can think of. An obvious attempt to corner the mourners previously exploited by "One Sweet Day", expect to hear this abomination blaring out of a funeral home near you. "Bye Bye" would be completely vomit inducing if it wasn't so fucking catchy thanks to the ingenious Stargate team. I hate the fact that this shit becomes stuck in your head after the second listen. Who really wants to be humming a disturbingly saccharine death anthem on the way to work? "Bye Bye" has already been selected as the second single in America but I hope Australia is spared this appalling exercise in false emotion.

I Wish You Well - 3/10

A boring piano ballad that feels completely out of place on "E=MC²". It's nice to hear a real instrument after 13 songs of bleeps and samples but this is completely underwhelming and sounds more like a demo than anything else.

Heat - 5.5/10

I gave this an extra point for the crazy way Will.i.am pronounces Mariah at the beginning of the song: "It's Maaa-Rye-Aaah"! I'm usually quite a fan of Will.i.am's productions but this song sounds like something Fergie rejected for "The Dutchess". No wonder it ended up as a bonus track.

Ricki-Lee's UK Makeover From Hell

Ricki-Lee's amazing "Can't Touch It" has been butchered, almost beyond recognition, for its UK release on the 9th of June. Not only has the song been given the dubious new title "U Wanna Little Of This", it's been remixed into an unremarkable dance bore. Don't get me wrong, this kind of shit usually has me salivating but "Can't Touch It" is such a perfect pop song that this kind of treatment feels completely sacrilegious. Everything I love about the original is gone. The fabulous rolling drum beats, the quirky pop production and the subtle R'n'B flavour have all been ditched in favour of thudding dance beats and a cut and paste chorus. I would probably be singing the praises of "U Wanna Little Of This" if it were a remix but as the version being promoted to UK radio, it just doesn't cut it. It's such a shame because the original version has huge hit potential. "Can't Touch It" is perfect pop. The song is fresh, original and utterly infectious. "U Wanna Little Of This", on the other hand, sounds like a Booty Luv B-side. That's not a bad thing as such but Ricki-Lee deserves better than this. Decide which version you prefer, the new and unimproved version above or the original version below.

Jackpot: The Best Bette

You're looking at the amazing cover of Bette Midler's soon to be released 'best of' album. Doesn't she just get more fabulous with each passing day? I worship the Divine Miss M, so I'll be adding this to my collection but I am slightly bewildered by the tracklist:

In The Mood
This Ole House
Beast Of Burden
Just My Imagination (Running Away With Me)
The Rose
When A Man Loves A Woman
I've Still Got My Health
Spring Can Really Hang You Up The Most
Hello In There
The Glory Of Love
Tenderly
Wind Beneath My Wings
Do You Want To Dance?
Baby Mine
From A Distance
Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy (Single Version)
Friends
Something Your Heart Has Been Telling Me (Previously Unreleased)
Cool Yule

Don't get me wrong, each song is an absolute gem (ok, maybe with the exception of "Cool Yule"!) - I just wish they included more hits and fewer album cuts from recent releases. The omission of classic anthems like "I Shall Be Released", "Shiver Me Timbers", "Hang On In There Baby", "In This Life", "My One True Friend", "Married Men", "I'm Beautiful", "My Mother's Eyes" and "To Deserve You" (to name just a few) is disappointing. On the bright side, it's nice that so many tracks from "Beaches" and "The Divine Miss M" were included. I'm particularly thrilled to see Bette's phenomenal cover of "Beast Of Burden", which is one of my all time favourite songs. Check out the amazing film clip below. It has to be one of the best video clips of the 80s - Bette's dance off with Mick Jagger has to be seen to be believed! There are no plans to release "Jackpot" in Australia as yet but you can pre-order the album from US Amazon. It's officially released in America on the 29th of April.

(How Does It Feel) In My Arse?

Well, I haven't had too many complaints but enough about my miserable sex life. The title of this post actually refers to Deirdre Halliwell's brilliant new anthem, which is dedicated to yours truly! This is one of the proudest moments of my life. I still can't believe an internationally renowned megastar like Deirdre wrote a song in my honour - and what an amazing song it is! I've been harassing the stunning Ms Halliwell to cover a Kylie track for her next smash hit EP (her last offering was certified plastic in at least 3 former Soviet states) for ages but I wasn't expecting anything as fabulous as this. "In My Arms" has been transformed into the ultimate gay sex anthem with classy lyrics like "the KY's open and it's up my bum, hurry up and get a condom"! The whole thing is sublime, from Deirdre's angelic but completely out of tune vocals right through to the hilarious clip. It's only a matter of time before Sony BMG comes knocking on this woman's door, mark my words! In the meantime, Deirdre is flogging her latest album on Ebay for the bargain price of 1 pound and has started an amazing new blog. A huge thanks to Deirdre for this amazing honour!

All I See - The Video

Forget Citizen Kane, Kylie's zero budget "All I See" film clip sets a new benchmark for cinematic excellence! Before I get too carried away, I should put the video in context. It's cheap. Let's get that out of the way first. I'm convinced Dannii threw this fabulous crap together on her laptop after finishing off her last Great Wall diary entry! It's also not an official clip but a "promo video". Splitting hairs, I know, but there is a small difference (basically, the video was concocted to promote "All I See" online). Lastly, it wasn't paid for by Kylie's record company - the copyright belongs to Darenote, the holding company managed by Kylie's dad. In other words, this is Kylie's lowest budget offering since the amazing "Your Disco Needs You" and in my opinion, is all the better for it. "All I See" is a trash lover's wet dream!

I really don't know where to start because I adore every second of this tat. I guess the costumes are as good a place as any. I love the fact that Kylie couldn't be fucked buying something new but simply dusts off her Dancing With The Stars outfits. That Village People inspired leather queen look is just too fabulous. Freddie Mercury is looking down from heaven and he has a boner! The sparkling mini-dress is gorgeous and I laughed out loud when the camera pans down to Kylie's hooker stilettos as she sings "had to make sure I'm lookin' hot". Then there's the very welcome presence of Kylie's insanely hot dancer Marco Da Silva, who mercifully spends the entire clip shirtless. Marco must have a pretty good sense of humour because I haven't seen dance moves like that since the glory days of C&C Music Factory!

The black and white photography is lovely and I approve of the multiple Kylies (obviously a homage to the previously mentioned "Your Disco Needs You" video clip) but the undisputed highlight for me is the star sequence. I've watched it about 30 times and I still can't stop laughing. Poor Kylie looks like she's hiding behind a curtain in an evil drag queen's lair! This is my favourite moment in a Kylie video since her slow motion slide down a fireman's pole in "Please Stay". "All I See" is still scheduled as an American only single but I'd love for it to be released worldwide, if only to spite Kylie's increasingly humourless fanbase. Enjoy!

Chloe Lattanzi Rocks The Cradle

I'm a huge fan of Olivia Newton-John's slightly demented daughter. I can't get enough of Chloe Lattanzi's crazy antics in the tabloids and I ache for the bizarre video blogs that occasionally pop up on her Myspace. Most of all, I love her music. Chloe's catchy anorexia anthem "Delicious" came in at number 11 on my best of 2007 countdown and it probably should have placed even higher, given that it's still burning up my Ipod all these months later. Chloe has been threatening to release her debut album for almost 5 years but the wait could finally be over thanks to an American talent show.


MTV's Rock The Cradle is kind of like American Idol for celebrity offspring. Basically, Chloe is battling the likes of MC Hammer's daughter and Bobby Brown's son for a recording contract. I wish the show was broadcast in Australia - this trash has my name written all over it! Unfortunately, Chloe's first performance was panned by all the judges except the lovely Belinda Carlisle and she placed second last in the phone poll. I was interested to see the clip for myself and I'm completely mystified by the negative reaction. Chloe's interpretation of the INXS classic "Never Tear Us Apart" is spectacular. I love her scary man voice, crazy eyes and theatrical phrasing. Sure, she's a little rough around the edges but there's no denying that Chloe has something very unique about her. Check out her stunning performance for yourself:

Never Tear Us Apart

After narrowly avoiding elimination, Chloe switched into rock chick mode for the "parent's choice" show in round two. I think Olivia must be really sick of sitting in the audience because she selected a complete stinker in an obvious attempt to get Chloe booted. The judges were relatively impressed but I agree with Belinda's comment that it was a poor song choice. The performance itself, however, is fucking fabulous and typically demented. I thought Chloe was going to burst an implant when she started writhing on the floor like Linda Blair in The Exorcist! I really hope she makes it through to the next round - I'm dying to see what this crazy broad comes up with next. Watch Chloe throw it down:

I Hate Everything About You

I'm not sure of the show's format but I hope the contestants are eventually allowed to perform original material. Chloe is yet to post a song on a her myspace that hasn't completely blown me away. I love her dark electro sound and the depressing yet strangely catchy lyrics. I didn't think Chloe would ever surpass the brilliance of "Delicious" but her latest offering does just that. "Make It Stop" is one of the best songs I've heard all year. The crashing synths and driving beats provide an epic backdrop for Chloe's pleading voice and bittersweet lyrics. Think of this exquisite anthem as the bleak and bitter sister of Robyn's "Be Mine". Chloe had better win Rock The Cradle so I can finally get my hands on her fucking album!

A low quality unmixed demo of "Make It Stop" was made available on Chloe's Myspace and I don't think anyone from her camp would mind me posting it. The sound is a bit rough but it gives you a good idea of the track's unlimited potential.

Tina Arena Goes Disco!

It's been a busy couple of weeks for Tina Arena. First came the surprise announcement that she will host the UK auditions of Australian Idol with Darren Hayes (I can't wait to see Tina back on Australian TV but can someone please explain why we need UK auditions?) and the news that her magnificent "Songs Of Love & Loss" album is being re-released on the 21st of April complete with a bonus disc of live performances. However, the most exciting Tina development as far as I'm concerned is her brilliant cover of the Bee Gees' "Night Fever" for a French film soundtrack.

"Night Fever" is perfect fodder for this woman's formidable pipes and she delivers a stunning interpretation. I love Tina's recent output but it's fantastic to see her in a less serious mood. Watching Tina perform the song on a French TV show (below) gave me flashbacks to the glory days of Young Talent Time! The camp sequined costumes, the obvious miming (Edit: I'm told this was actually performed live. All I can say is - WOW!!), the hilarious dance routine - the only thing missing is Johnny Young! As far as I'm aware there are no plans to release "Night Fever" as a French single but that shouldn't stop her Australian label snapping this disco delight up as fast as they can. Tina hasn't produced anything this fabulously entertaining since the trashy "Symphony Of Life" remixes and it should be made available to legally download by her legion of loyal fans!

Dannii's Dirty Box - Now Open!

Just a quick post to let you all know that I've re-opened Dannii's Dirty Box due to overwhelming public demand. No, really! I've even commissioned a stunning video clip commemorating Dannii's participation in Olivia Newton-John's charity walk along the Great Wall of China (above). The featured song is "Round The World" from Dannii's soon to be released "Club Dildo" compilation. Enjoy!

Kylie's #139 Smash Hit

Kylie's US Career - In The Toilet

In the week's least surprising news, Kylie's "X" debuts at #139 in America with 5,588 copies sold dragging the total to a miserable 11,732. That's what you get when you release an album 4 months after the rest of the world, push a lead single with no video clip and devote a massive 48 hours to promotion! The questions remains - why did they bother at all? The whole debacle was so half-hearted, it would have made a lot more sense for Kylie to spend the week promoting in Australia or better yet, putting her feet up before the tour. The US is clearly not interested, that ship sailed with "Fever". If she had performed on the Australian Dancing With The Stars instead, I have no doubt "X" would be sitting in the top 40 come Sunday. I hope this massive flop is the final nail in the coffin that is Kylie's US career. Please Min, stick to the markets that appreciate you and hurry up and release "The One"!!

A Club Dildo Exclusive!

I wrote a pretty scathing post about the Australian release of Dannii's "Club Disco" album last week, complaining about everything from the bonus disc to the glaring omission of the exquisite "Do You Believe Me Now". Well, it seems I opened my big mouth without knowing all the facts! Carl, the A&R Manager of Dannii's Australian label, was kind enough to contact me about my rant and explained the reasons behind the choices that were made. The visions I had of lazy record execs cynically cashing in on Dannii's devoted fanbase couldn't be further from the truth. Here's what Carl had to say:

In regards to the Roger Sanchez collaboration, we were only given rights by our overseas partner for the digital release of this track, so it’s very unfortunate but we could not include it on the physical release. A shame as it’s my favourite too but it will be an exclusive addition to the iTunes release.

Initially we were only given the rights to release a single CD (the same as the UK release minus "Do You Believe Me Now") but as I felt this was very similar to her previous "Hits & Beyond" I wanted to add ‘something’ more to make it worthwhile. After some persuading, the remix disc was born although we were limited to what we could include on the disc. The final result is a collection of Dannii and her team’s favourite remixes so I hope you like them. In addition, both the UK and Australian release of "Touch Me Like That" had an error on the listed ‘Space Cowboy Remix’ so this is the first time it’s been made physically available in this country. We’ve also included the original of "Touch Me Like That" which was not on the UK release

In a perfect world I would have loved to include all the rare, unreleased tracks that Dannii has recorded over the years but we just didn’t have access to all of them. There were certain restrictions that we couldn’t get around within the timeframe we had to work with. Although due to the overwhelming response, it’s something we will consider putting together down the line.

After clearing all that up, I took the opportunity to shamelessly dig for further details!

When is "Club Disco" being released?
The 3rd of May.

Will the Australian version have the same cover as the UK release?
It will have a similar cover to the UK release (with a bit of added ‘sparkle’) and the booklet will contain lyrics as well as some hot pics from her recent photo shoots.

Will there be a single - be it digital or radio? "I Will Come To You" or "Xanadu" would be amazing choices!
There will not be a new single, digital or physical at this stage although if the overseas label or a punter (hint, hint) sends us a good remix of one of the tracks, we’d definitely consider a single release down the line.

Will Dannii bother to promote "Club Disco" now that she's back in Australia for Australia's Got Talent?
Dannii will be performing on a couple of TV shows whilst she is here as well as some radio spots and an array of press interviews - so there will be no shortage of all things ‘Dannii’ over the coming months. (Dannii is rumoured to be performing "Xanadu") on the It Takes Two Finale on the 22nd of April - Mike).

Can you please change the title to "Club Dildo"?
As for your suggestions regarding the title…I’m sure we’d sell more copies and get more media attention that way…if Dannii notices we could put it down to an embarrassing typo. I’ll put it forward in the production meeting!

An Evening With Melissa Tkautz!

Pop goddess Melissa Tkautz celebrated the release of her fabulous comeback single "I Want Your Love" on Friday night - and invited 50 of her biggest fans to join the party! Industry showcases are usually as appealing as an unairbrushed photo of Madonna but I was never going to miss the opportunity to spend an evening in the presence of a legendary diva like Melissa. I didn't know what to expect when I arrived at Trademark but I was pleasantly surprised to discover a fun mix of industry types and diehard gay fans. After an hour and a half of boozing and schmoozing (emphasis on the boozing!) the crowd settled around the stage in eager anticipation of Mel's arrival. I somehow found myself standing next to the lovely Cosima De Vito, which kept me well amused until the lights were dimmed.

I've seen Melissa perform many times over the past decade but Friday's showcase was the first occasion I've had the pleasure of hearing this national treasure perform with a full band - although admittedly for only two songs! Mel kicked off the show with a sultry acoustic rendition of her breathtaking #87 hit "Easily Affected". I've made no secret of my love for this anthem. I honestly believe it's one of the best slices of Aus-pop released this decade and its failure to set the charts on fire still irks me. The song sounded brilliant in its pared back form but I was having trouble concentrating on the music, such was spectacle of Melissa's ravishing beauty in her stunning sequined gown! The next tune to receive the acoustic treatment was "True Love", an album track from her hugely underrated "Lost & Found" opus. I suspect "True Love" might be recycled for Melissa's forthcoming album because she has been performing it at all her recent shows.

Opening the show with a duo of acoustic treats was a great ploy to showcase Melissa's heavenly vocal ability but I think most fans breathed a silent sigh of relief when she announced she would use a backing tape for the next few songs. The acoustic set was wonderful but as Mel said herself, she is the kind of performer who usually "rocks up to a nightclub at 2am to belt out a number" and for that we thank her! I was ecstatic when Melissa launched into a killer rendition of "Lies". It's one of my favourite tracks from "Lost & Found" and the revised version of the song on her unreleased 3rd album is even better. "Lies" was followed by an adorable interpretation of "The Glamorous Life".

The best was definitely yet to come. As I mentioned earlier, I had never seen the Tkautz perform with a full band in all my years of devoted fandom - so I was intrigued when Melissa called a group of musicians (including Nick Skitz) to the stage to assist her on "I Want Your Love". I was completely blown away by the results. The band sounded amazing and Melissa really fed off their energy. The live version of "I Want Your Love" has a much harder rock edge than the single and it's all the better for it. Melissa really needs to explore this sound in the future. I'm not suggesting she channel Pat Benatar but a move towards electropop could be her calling! The band stuck around for the big finale - a rousing and completely unexpected rendition of Joan Jett's "I Love Rock & Roll". Mel unleashed her inner rock chick and had the crowd eating out of the palm of her pretty hand. The showcase was over after only 6 songs but this was definitely a case of quality over quantity. Melissa displayed her usual vocal prowess as well as an unexpected versatility. No wonder she's still so well loved by her army of gay fans. "I Want Your Love" was released on Saturday. Support this local icon by downloading the song from iTunes or buying a physical copy from Chaos.

Dannii's Baps - Unleashed On America!

I'm sorry for the Minogue onslaught but I just couldn't resist posting this stunning image of Dannii trawling the Dancing With The Stars backlot for hot lesbian action! Honestly, is there a more fabulous woman on God's green earth? While most pop divas busily work on new material and actively promote their own career, Dannii is happy to tag along on her sister's US promotional visit and somehow manages to upstage her by walking around the carpark with her baps hanging out! It's good to see that Dannii has been hitting the minibar in Kylie's hotel (I imagine she's sleeping on a foldout in the bathroom surrounded by Min's discarded wigs). The poor bitch looks a drink away from dropping her knickers and belting out an impromptu version of "Vibe On"! Words can not describe how much I love this woman - it's almost enough to make me re-open Dannii's Dirty Box. In another exciting Dannii development, it appears she's rooting a Formula 1 driver called Lewis Hamilton, who just happens to be 14 years her junior. Read all about the brewing scandal here. The Sun comments:

Lewis clearly knows his way around shiny bodywork and Dannii is in pole position. I reckon this pair could burn some serious rubber together.

Now that's what I call journalism!!

Kylie Rocks The USA!

I can't think of a better way to celebrate my 300th post than writing a quick review of Kylie's first American performance in almost 5 years. Last night over 20 million viewers tuned in to watch Dancing With The Stars and were treated to a double dose of Kylie. Ms Minogue kicked off the show with "All I See" before returning to give "Can't Get You Out Of My Head" yet another spin. Despite some severe audio problems, I vastly preferred "All I See". The music was too quiet and someone clearly fucked up with the backing vocals (ie. you couldn't hear them at all - which is a problem when they constitute half the song!) but Kylie looked stunning in her red sequined gown and drag queens across America will be scurrying to get their hands on Kylie's glorious hooker wig! I loved the way she moved around the stage and interacted with the dancers. Kylie looked like she was having a great time and the audience were in a Minogue induced frenzy! Check out "All I See" below.

Kylie returned at the end of the program to perform "Can't Get You Out Of My Head" and her vocals were pitch perfect. The same, however, can not be said for her fagtacular costume change:

Dear Kylie, the cop from the Village People called and he wants his uniform back! It's not Min's finest fashion moment but her face looks amazing and I kind of love the fact that Kylie has the nerve to appear on US television wearing Dannii's lesbian pride outfit from 1997. Represent! If I'm honest, I could do without hearing "Can't Get You Out Of My Head" ever again but Kylie gets this rendition just right (below). It would have been nice to hear another song from "X" but I believe she was contractually obliged to dust off an old hit. I have no idea what American audiences made of our holy icon and I couldn't care less. The US will probably never fully appreciate the Kylie phenomenon and that's ok. I just can't wait for the Aussie Queen of pop to drag her trunk of trannytastic gowns back home and deliver another dose of Minogue magic! "X" was released in America yesterday - top 150 here we come!